1 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,755 - Jack. Got a minute? 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,173 - Avery, of course. 3 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:07,465 Are you okay? 4 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,508 - Oh, yeah, it's nothing. 5 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,219 I was a guest on mad money last night. 6 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,271 - What's happening? Is one of you Jim cramer? 7 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:13,805 Okay, stop it, stop it! 8 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:16,266 - I didn't realize we were still airing that. 9 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,227 Cramer's been dead for six months. 10 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354 - Look, I know I'm supposed to go with you 11 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,926 to Cerie's wedding this weekend, 12 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,064 but I can't make it. 13 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,942 - Okay, I know you and I are in a period 14 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:26,914 of detente right now because of my other... 15 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,152 - piece of tail? 16 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,040 - I was going to say romantic entanglements, 17 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,922 but you do not want to miss this wedding. 18 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,659 It's going to be New York royalty. 19 00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,111 The Astors, the rockefellers. 20 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:35,869 The sbarros. 21 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,161 - Yes, I know, Jack. 22 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,389 You think I don't want to know 23 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,053 what pizzarina Sbarro is gonna be wearing? 24 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:40,457 - Then come. 25 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,069 - We both know that is a bad idea. 26 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,062 Which is why I scheduled a conflict for this weekend 27 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:44,795 I can't get out of. 28 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:45,754 - What is it? 29 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,046 - Well, if you must know, 30 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,590 I'm on Dodecacil. 31 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,777 The pill where you only get your period once a year. 32 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:53,512 - Ugh! We're so close to beating that thing completely. 33 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,055 - Ah, well, my time has come. 34 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,473 I'm going to a spa. 35 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:57,885 Well, it's not really a spa. 36 00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,309 It's more of a fenced-in area 37 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,310 in the adirondacks. 38 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,396 - Fine. I'll go alone. 39 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,023 - And while I'm gone, 40 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,985 do some thinking about us. 41 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,921 - I promise you, this weekend will be filled 42 00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,781 with staring out windows while holding a glass of scotch. 43 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:16,285 - That means a lot to me. 44 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,205 - Have a, uh, good time at your fenced-in area. 45 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,915 And I'll see you in two weeks. 46 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,018 - What's that supposed to mean, you dumb douche? 47 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,294 Ooh, it's starting. 48 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,337 I should go. 49 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,176 - Aloha means hello and good-bye. 50 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:34,177 So aloha. 51 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,887 - What? - What? 52 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,848 - Hi, handsome. 53 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,860 - I didn't know you were coming to New York. 54 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,810 - I'm here to see my man. 55 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,854 You're not busy this weekend, are ya? 56 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:44,771 - Well, I am, actually. 57 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,143 I have some thinking to do. 58 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:47,250 - Well, you can do your thinkin'. 59 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,954 We'll just do it together on that tour boat 60 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,361 that's painted like a shark. 61 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,780 - Hey, Liz, I need to know the name of the date 62 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,133 you're bringing to my wedding. 63 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,199 - I'm coming alone, Cerie. 64 00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:57,771 But I would still like two meals. 65 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:58,619 - So is it okay if I sit you 66 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,871 next to my dad's mistress' cousin? 67 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,390 - Whatever makes it easier for you. 68 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:03,540 - Awesome. 69 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,584 - God, three weddings in one day. 70 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,586 I am gonna be in Spanx for 12 hours. 71 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,671 My elastic line is gonna get infected again. 72 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,203 - Are you really not bringing someone to Cerie's wedding? 73 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,068 I don't care about having a date. 74 00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,344 - What about Floyd's wedding? 75 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,116 - If I have to sit through that alone, 76 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,680 I will rent a car, set it on fire, 77 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,140 and drive it off a waterfall. 78 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,872 - I could set you up with my trainer. 79 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,518 He's gay, but not when he's drunk. 80 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,050 - No, I don't need help, Jenna. 81 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:26,813 I know where I'm gonna find my date, 82 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,690 because I have already met him. 83 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,142 - What are you talking about? 84 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,234 - Jack's mom said to me 85 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:33,326 that there's only a few different types of men 86 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,029 in the world. 87 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,198 And, at my age, I have met all of them. 88 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,617 So I'm gonna go back through my gentleman rolodex... 89 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,327 - sexual time travel. 90 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:41,870 Just like my cinemax soft core, 91 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,622 emmanuelle goes to dinosaur land. 92 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,332 - I've dated plenty of good guys. 93 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,459 My standards have just been too high. 94 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:48,751 - Yeah, they have. 95 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:53,131 Meet me in the handicapped stall in ten seconds. 96 00:02:55,967 --> 00:03:03,433 ♪ ♪ 97 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:18,699 - Liz Lemon. 98 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,385 I was just thinking about you the other day. 99 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:20,826 - Really? - Yeah. 100 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,245 I saw this gorgeous woman putting glasses 101 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,681 on her daughter's Mrs. Potato head. 102 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,623 - The "why" is not important. 103 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:27,582 Can we talk? 104 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,835 - Sure. 105 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,129 I was just doing some baking. 106 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,690 Uh, can I get you something to drink? 107 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,966 - What goes good with second chances? 108 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,592 Ugh, water. I'd like water. 109 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:38,593 So... 110 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:39,885 Are you seeing anyone? 111 00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:41,137 - Oh... 112 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:42,639 This conversation. 113 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,141 Uh, no, I'm still single. 114 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,977 No one serious since you, actually. 115 00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,389 - Well, that's good to hear. 116 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:49,725 You know, when we broke up, 117 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:52,149 it was because I felt like I was smarter than you. 118 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,818 But that's so judgmental and... and now I just... 119 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,737 Oh, my god. 120 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,530 - What? 121 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,949 Oh, my hooks, heh. 122 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,785 I'm just so comfortable with them that... that... 123 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,077 Ohh. 124 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,705 Whoops. 125 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,957 - Oh! Oh! 126 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,625 - Oh, not again. 127 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,254 That was my last ungashed painting. 128 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:15,630 - How did this happen? 129 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,341 - Uh, freak accident. 130 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,928 You know I work with doctors without borders. 131 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,473 Well, I was helicoptering into Zimbabwe 132 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,350 when I thought I saw somebody that I knew. 133 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:30,187 So I waved from the helicopter, 134 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,581 which, it turns out, is a big no-no, 135 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,232 and the rotor took my right hand clean off. 136 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,204 And it turns out the person I was waving to 137 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,685 was not my old football coach. 138 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,030 - Of course not. You were in Zimbabwe. 139 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,699 - Well, it looked just like a black version of him. 140 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,284 - What about the other hand? 141 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,416 - Oh, well, to celebrate my return from Africa, 142 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,455 my cousin and I bought a bunch of fireworks. 143 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,207 - You know what? This was a bad idea. 144 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,082 I should just go. 145 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,959 - What, you're too good for me 146 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,437 now that I have pirate hook hands? 147 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,379 - It is absolutely not because you are disabled. 148 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,882 I've been dumped by four different guys in wheelchairs. 149 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:00,443 - Look, I'll have you know, Liz, 150 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,260 that I am in line for a hand transplant. 151 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,305 There's this strangler who's about to be executed, 152 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,933 and, uh, I got my hooks crossed. 153 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:11,353 Oh, heh. 154 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,645 - Oh, my god, Drew, 155 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,854 it's not about the hooks. 156 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,020 It's how you got that way. 157 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,651 You're just too dumb. 158 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,820 - Wait, Liz. 159 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,571 Don't go. 160 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:22,864 Ow, it's hot! 161 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,236 - Yeah, of course it's hot. 162 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:25,282 It's been in the oven. 163 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,576 Now who's the dumb one? 164 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,121 Uh, so handsome. 165 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,625 - Entourage meeting. 166 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:37,128 I know which movie I'm doing this summer. 167 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,048 - Garfield 3.Ff' feline groovy? 168 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,926 - It's a pun, because cats' paws have grooves. 169 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,218 - And this is really what 170 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,613 you want to spend your summer doing? 171 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:46,637 - It's perfect! 172 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:47,721 I'm playing Garfield. 173 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,182 My whole part's being shot 174 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:50,809 on green screen in three days. 175 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,979 And they're paying me exactly one million teachers' salaries. 176 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,911 - Tray, I think it's time you take a risk. 177 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,148 Maybe do a dramatic role. 178 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,984 Go for the "o" in your "Egot." 179 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,276 - What's this? 180 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,361 - Hard to wa tch, 181 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:02,880 based on on the book stone cold bummer 182 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,072 by manipulate. 183 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,031 It's about growing up in our old neighborhood. 184 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,659 - And it's real Oscar bait, sir. 185 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,370 You say things like, "you don't know my pain," 186 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,581 and, "you watch your mouth, Tyrese." 187 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,958 And, in a less dramatic scene, 188 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,459 "I'll have hash browns." 189 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:18,962 - Interesting. 190 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,173 And I've got to win an Oscar somehow. 191 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:25,260 It's either this or I submit that animated film 192 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,632 I Drew about the holocaust. 193 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:30,390 - This. - We should definitely do this. 194 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:31,391 - Nancy and Avery 195 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,363 almost ran into each other at the elevator. 196 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,644 - Seriously? 197 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,314 You rode the shark boat? Was it scary? 198 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,649 - Oh. This whole thing... 199 00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:40,981 Is getting out of control. 200 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,069 - Yeah, you need to be honest with everyone. 201 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,655 It's only fair that you tell Nancy about Avery. 202 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:46,987 - That is terrible advice! 203 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,198 If I tell Nancy, 204 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,951 it'll just complicate things. 205 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,123 I need to keep her at arm's length this weekend. 206 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,955 I prepared a very unromantic evening. 207 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,433 First, we're going to see a documentary 208 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,541 about female circumcision, 209 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,519 and then we're going to eat too much Indian food. 210 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,303 - Okay, but you're just avoiding the problem. 211 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:03,006 Sometimes, the right thing and the hard thing 212 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,467 are the same thing. 213 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,760 I read that on a tea bag. 214 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,511 - If you want to be helpful, 215 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:09,822 just give me some more advice 216 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,046 on how to keep a date asexual. 217 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,658 You know what? Sometimes I think... 218 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:13,683 - that's great. 219 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:14,601 "You know what? Sometimes I think..." 220 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:15,893 That's really annoying. 221 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,419 I'm gonna use that. You're the best. 222 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,482 Honestly, though, sometimes I... 223 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,983 Okay, I hear it. 224 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,318 - I read the script. 225 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,611 - And? Did you like it? 226 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,154 - I hated it! 227 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,447 I couldn't relate. 228 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:28,739 - What? 229 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,665 It's about growing up poor in the south Bronx. 230 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:32,911 Moving from foster home to foster home. 231 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,579 Seeing a pigeon fight a baby. 232 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,289 All of that happened to you. 233 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,061 - I don't remember that kind of stuff. 234 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,377 I mean, I remember being born, of course. 235 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,337 I remember learning how to ride a bike. 236 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,630 But that was last year. 237 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,883 From '75 to '82 is just a blur. 238 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,575 - Then you're repressing some stuff. 239 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:49,844 - That can happen. 240 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:53,056 I remember the summer my Webelos group went camping, 241 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,058 and we were taken by the hill people. 242 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,936 Next thing I knew, summer was over, 243 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,188 and it was time for back-to-school shopping. 244 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,023 - Tray, this is an important film. 245 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,316 - Oh, brother. 246 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,276 If you want to get your "o," 247 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,088 you've got to reconnect with your roots. 248 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,112 - No, I don't. 249 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,615 I was on a yacht with the roots last week. 250 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,952 Dude! 251 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,245 - Hello, Dennis. 252 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:16,955 - Hey, dummy. 253 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,265 You know, as soon as my beeper went off, 254 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:18,957 I knew it was you. 255 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,917 I got a personalized vibration 256 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:21,918 for each chick I used to put it to. 257 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,420 - Hmm. 258 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:24,814 - Thanks for meeting me at my workplace. 259 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,440 - Yeah, what exactly are you building here? 260 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,258 - Hey, Liz, you want to be a millionaire? 261 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,926 Hmm? - Mr. Dennis. 262 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,696 - No, no, no, Jose. Only babies out here. 263 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:32,780 Don't you want to be a big boy? 264 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,180 - Ow. - Who's that kid? 265 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:34,973 - That's Jose. 266 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,933 I met him through this program 267 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,619 that places troubled adults with child mentors. 268 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,603 - Wait, are you planning to balloon boy him? 269 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:41,895 - Liz, listen to me. 270 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,357 What was the one mistake those people in Denver made? 271 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,649 - One mistake? 272 00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,335 - Yeah, there was no kid in the balloon. 273 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,654 When Jose jumps out of there, or whatever, 274 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:50,989 people are gonna go nuts! 275 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,992 - Oh, my god. 276 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,827 Go, run. 277 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,203 Unbelievable. 278 00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,955 These are the men in my life. 279 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,290 What did I do wrong? 280 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,022 - Well, the first thing you did wrong 281 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:02,834 was you touched the balloon. 282 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,836 This is a scientific facility, Liz. 283 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,964 - This is a public park named after Ron Artest. 284 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,634 - Yeah, and like Jose, Ron dreamed of glory. 285 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:12,927 Hey, Liz... 286 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,219 You'll be back! 287 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,764 Hey, what's goin' on, huh? 288 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,974 What's your deal? 289 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,266 Lesbian. 290 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,437 - How was your dinner? 291 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,481 - Mm, I'm stuffed. 292 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:25,773 That place is good. 293 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,985 Way better than the Indian joint I go to in Boston, 294 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,696 O'Doyle's. 295 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,114 Yeah. 296 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,867 Uh... you know what I like after too much Curry? 297 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,619 A warm glass of milk 298 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,996 and some John Philip sousa marches. 299 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:48,546 ♪ ♪ 300 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:51,966 - Okay, I'm gonna go to the restroom 301 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,385 before I head back to the hotel. 302 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:55,677 - Oh, okay. 303 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,013 I'll order you a car. 304 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,389 - Mm-hmm. 305 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:02,684 ♪ ♪ 306 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,355 - Hi, yes. I'd like to order a car, please. 307 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:08,108 Account number 541390. 308 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,488 I have to call you back. 309 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,408 - Oh! Jack! 310 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,537 - I've been through every guy. 311 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:21,829 There's no one left. 312 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,332 - Come on, you sound like me at the olympic village. 313 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,000 - Ugh, who cares? 314 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,572 So I go to Floyd's wedding alone. 315 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:28,956 Maybe I'll just lean into it 316 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,231 and bring a cat in a baby stroller. 317 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,132 - Come on, you still have tonight. 318 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,050 - Liz, I want you to meet the guy 319 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,694 that you're gonna be sitting next to tomorrow. 320 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,478 He's told me his name, like, a million times, 321 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,637 but I keep forgetting it. 322 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:39,681 - It's Wesley! 323 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,685 - No! 324 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:47,105 - I knew you'd be back. 325 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,857 - No, I'm not back, Wesley. 326 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,334 - Oh, of course, because you said 327 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,861 you could find someone better than me. 328 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,821 Well... where is he? 329 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,411 - Stop doing that! You look idiotic. 330 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:02,704 - Of course I do. 331 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,915 Excellent pantomime's supposed to look idiotic. 332 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,226 - Okay, I may be alone tonight, 333 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,251 but I'm not done looking. 334 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:09,543 - Liz, I'm gonna guess 335 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:10,920 that the last two months, 336 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,132 there's been a lot of singles events in gymnasia, 337 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,300 and, uh, oh, don't tell me. 338 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:19,053 You revisited old boyfriends, didn't you? 339 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,763 That's never worked. 340 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,183 - Oh, my god. I hate you. 341 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,976 - Yeah, but that's it, isn't it? 342 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,520 The only thing wrong with me... 343 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:28,812 Is that you hate me. 344 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,565 So with that as my only defect, 345 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,108 where do I rank 346 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,446 with all the other men that you've been with? 347 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,698 - Okay, I have another wedding tomorrow. 348 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,117 It's my ex-boyfriend Floyd. 349 00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,454 Will you come with me? 350 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:45,866 - And then there was Wesley. 351 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,624 - God, I hate you. 352 00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:53,296 - Well... 353 00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:57,634 Good mornin'. 354 00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,636 I'm glad we did this, Jack. 355 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,138 It was a huge step. 356 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:03,514 But it feels right. 357 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:06,184 - Huge seems like the wrong word. 358 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,353 I mean, sex is not that big a deal, right? 359 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,188 How could something that animals do 360 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,480 be a big deal? 361 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:15,193 Worms can do it with... Any other worm. 362 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,986 - Well, it was a big deal for me. 363 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:17,946 Besides my ex-husband, 364 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,878 you're the only other man I've slept with. 365 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,783 - Two men? 366 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,368 That can't be true. 367 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,660 - Well... 368 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:28,122 Uh, look, Jack... 369 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,500 There's something I have to tell ya. 370 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,002 I did somethin' bad. 371 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,837 After my divorce, 372 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,965 I went out with my girlfriends, 373 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,925 and I danced with a guy. 374 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:40,468 - That's it? 375 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,011 - Also... 376 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,703 It was after midnight on a Saturday, 377 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,085 so technically, it was a Sunday. 378 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:46,492 A man had his hands on my hips 379 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,184 on a day that was set aside for the lord! 380 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,103 There! I said it. 381 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,481 Man, catholic guilt. 382 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,941 Am I right? 383 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,026 Those nuns really messed me up. 384 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,905 - Not me! 385 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,958 - What are we doing here? 386 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,252 You told me we were going some place boring. 387 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,296 This is an awesome copy shop! 388 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,107 - Well, this copy shop is on the corner 389 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,508 of 157th street and lieutenant uhura Avenue. 390 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:21,884 - That's where I grew up. 391 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,845 - Obviously, your building is gone. 392 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,638 I guess someone didn't come up here 393 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,140 to scout the location first. 394 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,872 - 'Cause someone else didn't sign off 395 00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,226 on the transportation budget. 396 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:32,812 - I never check that earthlink account. 397 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,440 - God, nothing's changed at all. 398 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,012 - It's changed completely, tray. 399 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,233 What is wrong with you? 400 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:39,712 We brought you up here to jog your memory, 401 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,279 but I guess that was a waste of time. 402 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,072 - Because someone came up 403 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,075 with this stupid idea in the first place. 404 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,367 - Let's just go. 405 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,913 - Why do I recognize that stairwell? 406 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,544 It's all coming back to me. 407 00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,798 Oh, my god, I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! 408 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:04,469 I watched a prostitute stab a clown! 409 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:07,096 Our basketball hoop was a rib cage. 410 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,474 A rib cage! 411 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,309 Why did you bring me here? 412 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,686 I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! 413 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,980 Oh, lord! 414 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:19,359 Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! 415 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,695 - Tray, use this pain to get your Oscar. 416 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,614 - I hate pain! 417 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:26,282 I'm doing Garfield 3. 418 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,035 And as soon as I make some copies of my passport, 419 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,287 I'm never coming back here! 420 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,122 Move! 421 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,505 - Lemon, I don't have time to talk about 422 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:41,899 what you look like right now. 423 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,716 That's how urgent this is. 424 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,094 I need you to not put on your judgmental face 425 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,762 when I tell you the following. 426 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,014 I slept with Nancy. 427 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,974 Fight it off, Lemon. 428 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,893 - Gah! What were you thinking? 429 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,265 - I wasn't thinking at all. 430 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,646 She put on red underwear. 431 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,698 You would think it would clash with her hair. 432 00:14:58,856 --> 00:14:59,856 But it didn't. 433 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,526 - You have made this so much worse. 434 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,486 Sex always makes things worse. 435 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:04,821 This isn't fair to Nancy. 436 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,256 You have to tell her about Avery. 437 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,615 - I know, but Nancy's not Avery. 438 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,492 Avery is cool, collected, 439 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,285 descended from Swedish valley people. 440 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,121 Nancy is a fiery Irish nut job 441 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,664 descended from bog people. 442 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:15,623 - Well, I'm sorry, Jack, 443 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,059 but I have got to go give a reading 444 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:20,002 at the wedding of the only normal guy I've ever dated. 445 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,463 And I have to be at St. Paul's in 20 minutes! 446 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,525 - Wait... Floyd's wedding is at a catholic church? 447 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,592 Are they having a mass? - Yeah, Kaitlin's catholic. 448 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:27,884 He converted for her. 449 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,029 Meanwhile, when we were dating, 450 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,180 and I wanted to check out that unitarian church... 451 00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,472 - good talk, Lemon. 452 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,016 - Mm-hmm. 453 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,398 ♪ ♪ 454 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,316 - Thanks for holding my purse. 455 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,111 - Yeah. See how we help each other? 456 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,488 I accompany you to Floyd's wedding. 457 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,115 I hold your purse. 458 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,033 This was meant to be. 459 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:55,037 We're like Russ and Rebecca on chums. 460 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,706 - This is just a date, Wesley. 461 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,250 - You know that's not true. 462 00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:01,586 I wouldn't be here if there was anybody else. 463 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:02,878 I'm your best option. 464 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:04,547 And you're mine. 465 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,132 You see, I, uh... 466 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:07,884 I lost my job two days ago 467 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:11,679 and am now facing a little residency issue. 468 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,556 - What? 469 00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,184 - I don't want to go back to england. 470 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,703 I can't suffer through the London Olympics. 471 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,228 We're not prepared, Liz. 472 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,731 Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? 473 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:25,151 We don't have control over our people like that. 474 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:28,571 - I'm supposed to be up front for my reading. 475 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,615 This is just a date. 476 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,033 - Right, and maybe up there, 477 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,410 you'll fall in love with a handsome groomsman. 478 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,038 But until then, Rebecca... 479 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,373 ♪ I'll be here always ♪ 480 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,585 ♪ while the rains fall in wales ♪ 481 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,877 Chums. 482 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,086 - Oh. 483 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,553 - Garfield effects test, take one. 484 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,931 - And... act! 485 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,517 - Nermal! I hate you, Nermal! 486 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,936 Almost as much as I hate mondays! 487 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,854 This is my lasagne! 488 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,272 You hear me, Nermal? 489 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,899 My lasagne! 490 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,191 - Okay, let's cut. 491 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,985 Okay... 492 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:08,945 Maybe a little less intense, you know? 493 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:09,862 You're Garfield. 494 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,447 You're a cat 495 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,491 who likes sleeping and lasagne. 496 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,993 - Well, I'm sorry, Shawn... 497 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:18,621 And child actor whose name I can't remember. 498 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:21,082 You haven't walked in my shoes. 499 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,961 All my life, I tried to forget the things I've seen. 500 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:27,630 A crackhead breastfeeding a rat. 501 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:30,091 A homeless man cooking a hot pocket 502 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,718 on the third rail of the g-train. 503 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,346 The g-train, Nermal! 504 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,599 There's something inside of me that needs to come out. 505 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,143 And if Garfield 3.Ff' feline groovy 506 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,687 can't tell my story, 507 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,439 then I'll win my Oscar elsewhere. 508 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,858 Or I'll die tryin'. 509 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,531 - Okay, so are you not doing this movie? 510 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,783 'Cause that suit was made special! 511 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,410 For your weird body! 512 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,079 - Are you doing a reading too? 513 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:01,872 I'm Mike. I'm friends with Floyd. 514 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,165 - Hi. 515 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:11,507 Excuse me, do you have a job, 516 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,050 and are you here with someone? 517 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,052 - Uh, I'm a lawyer, 518 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:16,512 and I'm single. 519 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:17,346 - Okay, friend, here's the deal. 520 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,641 My name is Liz, I almost got 1,200 on my s.A.T.S, 521 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:21,952 and I need a date for this wedding 522 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:23,477 and I like your head shape. 523 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,187 What do you say? 524 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,148 - I'd love to be your date, Liz. 525 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,066 - Okay. 526 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,235 I like how forward you are. 527 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,862 Now may I tell you something? 528 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,154 I'm a plushie. 529 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,198 - Is that a fraternity? 530 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,116 - Kind of. 531 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,910 It means I belong to a group of like-minded people 532 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,482 who dress up in mascot costumes. 533 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,537 - Oh-Kay... 534 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,915 - And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks. 535 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:45,708 - There it is. 536 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,045 - Our term for intercourse is "yiffing." 537 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,089 - Would you excuse me, please? 538 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,010 - Okay, fine. Let's get married. 539 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,302 - Oh, yeah. 540 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,516 - And now a reading from corinthians. 541 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,226 "Love is patient. 542 00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,895 "Love is kind. 543 00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:07,313 "It is not jealous. 544 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,148 "It is not pompous. 545 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,150 "It does not envy. It does not boast. 546 00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:14,070 It is not proud. It is not rude..." 547 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,380 - Nothin' like being in church, 548 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,406 having spend the night doing a bunch of bad crap. 549 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,698 Am I right? 550 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,242 - Yes, uh... 551 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,534 Speaking of which, 552 00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:23,037 I'm seeing someone else, 553 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,456 and I think I'm in love with both of you. 554 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,918 You lying bastard. 555 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,210 After last night? 556 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,563 - Nancy, just let me explain. 557 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,672 - No, I'm out of here. 558 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:33,464 - You can't leave, Donovan. 559 00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,383 We're in the middle of mass. 560 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,845 You and I both know you have to stay 561 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,697 until the final blessing, so let's talk. 562 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,432 - No, I'm not saying a word to you. 563 00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,868 The second this mass is over, 564 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,203 I'm on the first train back to Boston. 565 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:47,561 And you'll never see me again. 566 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,272 - "Faith, hope, and love. 567 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:51,273 "And as for knowledge, 568 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:52,565 it will pass away." 569 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,031 Stall? 570 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,413 And now, an unscheduled reading 571 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,749 that I think is appropriate for this lovely 572 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,418 romantic occasion. 573 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,045 "But Onan knew that the offspring 574 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,337 "would not be his, 575 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:17,174 "so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, 576 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,469 he spilled his semen on the ground." 577 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:21,761 Sorry. 578 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,641 "Then Zipporah took a flint 579 00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,977 and cut off her son's foreskin." 580 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:31,939 Oh, come on, Bible. Help a lady out. 581 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:32,857 "For he has sold us, 582 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:36,610 and he has indeed devoured our money." 583 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:42,116 - I seen a blind guy bite a police horse! 584 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,786 A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! 585 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,580 I once bit into a burrito, 586 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:49,232 and there was a child's shoe in it! 587 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,333 I seen a hooker eat a tire. 588 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,669 A pack of wild dogs took over 589 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,629 and successfully ran a Wendy's! 590 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,424 The sewer people stole my skateboard! 591 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:01,677 The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Taylor, 592 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,095 generally considered to be 593 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,514 one of the worst presidents of all time! 594 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:08,851 I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! 595 00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,728 They were very drunk!