1
00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:04,254
- Hey.
2
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:07,508
Could I get your
lucretia mott on this?
3
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:08,509
- What is this?
4
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:09,176
- Budget approval
5
00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:11,094
for travel and
hotels for the moms.
6
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,471
- The moms? What moms?
7
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:13,763
- The staff moms
8
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:14,348
that are gonna be on
the mother's day show
9
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,350
that NBC is making us do
10
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:17,842
after their ill-fated decision
11
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:21,104
to re-air the pilot
of bitch hunter.
12
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,901
Put the mimosas down!
13
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:27,277
Bitch.
14
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,279
- Wait, it's mother's
day already?
15
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,406
- Did you forget?
Colleen is gonna kill you.
16
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,158
- There's still time. Jonathan.
17
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:36,078
Jonathan, call the florist,
and order a dozen... no.
18
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,622
- Necktie.
- Too late, Jackie.
19
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:48,674
♪ ♪
20
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,996
- Hey, why isn't my beautiful
Frank up on the wall?
21
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,498
- Ma, come on, that's
just for the actors.
22
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,315
- Oh, here's a
picture you can use.
23
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,818
It's little Frankie
in the bathtub,
24
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:11,113
getting ready for
the senior prom.
25
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,241
- Thank you.
26
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,077
Mom, what are you doing?
27
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,954
You don't have
to pay for the food.
28
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,706
- Honey, nothing is free.
29
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,082
You remember that
30
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:24,585
when a man buys
you an expensive meal.
31
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,020
- Yeah, that's happening a lot.
32
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,044
Hey, Verna.
33
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,256
Well, you must remember
my mom, Margaret.
34
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:30,828
- Oh, yes, we met
a few years ago
35
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,843
when the girls lived in Chicago.
36
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,762
- You must have me
confused with someone else.
37
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,599
I have never been to Chicago.
38
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:42,060
I sexually assaulted
Scottie Pippen in 1997.
39
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,352
There's my baby!
40
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,230
- Oh, mommy!
41
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,941
- Look, Tracy, this mother's
day show is tomorrow,
42
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,113
and we haven't been able
to track down your mom.
43
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,862
- I gave Kenneth
her information.
44
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:52,821
- "Her name might be Cheryl,
45
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,991
and she was wearing
a red shirt in 1984."
46
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,963
Look, I don't want you
to be alone up there
47
00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:58,744
with all the families,
48
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:01,997
so what if I hire an
actress to play your mom?
49
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,457
- Okay.
50
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:04,749
But whoever she is
51
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,710
needs to be someone
as amazing as I am.
52
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,046
I want to see a list of names.
53
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,840
Like when they was looking
for John McCain's running mate.
54
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:14,551
I'm kidding.
55
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,554
This needs to be
taken seriously.
56
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,131
- Happy mother's day, Colleen.
57
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,894
- I'm not here about
mother's day, John Francis.
58
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,521
You know who's in
my water aerobics class
59
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:27,813
down in Florida?
60
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:29,292
- Yes, mother, I've
memorized the names
61
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,984
of everyone in your
water aerobics class.
62
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:31,735
- Patricia Goodband,
63
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:35,530
whose sister runs the
Friday night bingo game
64
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,616
at our lady of
reluctant integration
65
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,201
in waltham.
66
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,869
Turns out last week
67
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,538
that the game was
won by Anne o'Connor,
68
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,541
who mentioned that her niece,
69
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,711
Nancy Donovan, got divorced
70
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,505
and was running around
71
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,548
with a hotshot in New York City
72
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,842
who pours scotch like a woman.
73
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:56,635
- If I don't always share
74
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:58,679
my personal life
with you, Colleen,
75
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,056
it's because you've never
approved of any woman
76
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,432
I've shown an interest in.
77
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,308
- Now, that's not true.
78
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,144
- I'm not having this
conversation with you right now.
79
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,122
I have work to do, and
I'll be joining you for lunch.
80
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,399
In the meantime, Kenneth
here will entertain you.
81
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,026
- Okay, Kenneth, entertain me.
82
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,445
- ♪ Oh, the fiddle's
in the creek ♪
83
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:16,363
♪ and the frog's
in the kitchen ♪
84
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,323
I apologize, ma'am.
That is not a song.
85
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,575
You make me very nervous.
- Oh, my god.
86
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,914
- Hey, Lutz, this
is my mom, Miho.
87
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,290
- Oh, hi.
88
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,460
I didn't know you were adopted.
89
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:31,461
- What?
90
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,463
- Thanks a lot, Lutz.
91
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,636
- Mom, this is Lee.
92
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,528
He's the head of our
wardrobe department.
93
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,515
- Well, hello, Lee.
94
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,100
- Wrong tree, mom.
- Gotcha.
95
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,412
- So Lee's gonna take care
of your clothes for the show.
96
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,855
- Oh, no, no, that
won't be necessary.
97
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,347
I brought some real cute duds.
98
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,360
I made us both rompers to wear.
99
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,236
- Excuse me.
100
00:03:56,528 --> 00:04:02,367
My... friend has to go
strangle her anxiety pillow.
101
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,453
- Lee, it's the
bridesmaid's dress.
102
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,996
I can't breathe.
103
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,497
I'm gonna die in here.
104
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:08,789
- Bridesmaid?
105
00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:11,418
It's bad luck for a married
woman to be a bridesmaid.
106
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,253
It brings fever and disease.
107
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,630
- Yeah, well, I'm not
actually married, so...
108
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:16,922
- Not even common law?
109
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:19,050
How do you get credit
at a mattress store?
110
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:21,261
- You know, my Johnny's single,
111
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,833
and he gives excellent backrubs,
112
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:23,555
I can assure you.
113
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,307
- Thank you, Mrs. Lutz,
114
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,868
and thank you,
moms, for your interest,
115
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,561
but I just haven't
met the one yet.
116
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,354
- Oh, for crying out loud, Liz.
117
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,440
You see? That's
what feminism does.
118
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,860
It makes smart girls
with nice birthing shapes
119
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,403
believe in fairytales.
120
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,989
Stop waiting for
your prince, Liz.
121
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,200
- I'm not waiting for a prince.
122
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:46,077
I'm waiting for
astronaut Mike Dexter.
123
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,496
- Oh, sweet lord in heaven.
124
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,207
- Who turns out to be
the secret King of Monaco.
125
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,917
- Liz, you're almost 40.
126
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,711
You're not gonna find
some new kind of man.
127
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,296
Whoever the one is,
128
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,965
you probably already met him.
129
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,509
- You're 40?
130
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,302
John is looking for a...
131
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,638
Greener banana, so...
132
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:12,895
- Hello, Verna.
133
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:13,563
Glad to see you're here,
134
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,175
upholding your
end of our bargain.
135
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,149
- Oh, yeah.
136
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,521
I'm being a great mother...
137
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,152
Listening, giving advice,
138
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,780
asking stupid
questions during movies.
139
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,534
But I need you to
hold up your end.
140
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,410
That money order you sent,
141
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,204
that was only for half.
142
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,723
- That was a down
payment, Verna.
143
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:31,873
You'll get the rest
144
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,045
after you've fulfilled
your mother's day duties.
145
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:34,584
- That's kind of
a problem for me,
146
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,128
'cause I already spent
that down payment
147
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,673
on the first half
of my boob job.
148
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,842
It's not an implant.
149
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,573
It's just a little
yank up, you know?
150
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,763
I mean, I got the meat, Jack.
151
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,615
Go ahead. Feel 'em.
Feel the difference.
152
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,559
- Very different indeed.
153
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,435
Like a cantaloupe
154
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:56,356
and a ziploc bag
of mushroom soup.
155
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,334
But you're not getting
the rest of that money
156
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,545
until you give Jenna all the
mother's day love she deserves.
157
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,028
- Whatever.
158
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,448
Narc.
159
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:06,740
- Good news, tray.
160
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,118
We found a great mom for you.
161
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,203
Her name is novella Nelson.
162
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:11,204
- Novella Nelson?
163
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,790
Oh, wait, is she
Aquaman's girlfriend?
164
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,209
- No. She's a great actress
who lives in Brooklyn.
165
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:17,210
She looks like you.
166
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,587
- That could be anyone!
167
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:19,959
We all look the same to me.
168
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,089
Is she famous?
169
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,441
- You'd probably know her best
170
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:23,745
from a commercial they air a lot
171
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,760
during the 3:30
A.M. sportscenter.
172
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,138
- Ugh, these
overalls are chafing.
173
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,099
I can't wear these
pajamas fishing!
174
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,493
Female announcer: Pajamaralls.
175
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,477
Pajamaralways.
176
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,038
- What about the
list I gave you?
177
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,606
Phylicia Rashad.
Serena Williams.
178
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,025
- They're too
recognizable, Tracy.
179
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,068
And Serena Williams
is younger than you.
180
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,571
- Who cares? She's
awesome, and so am I.
181
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,656
I want Serena Williams
to be my mother.
182
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,050
- We've already booked novella.
183
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,874
The woman's been in
the business for 40 years.
184
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:54,831
I think she's good enough
for the star of Sherlock homie.
185
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:57,687
- I know what you're
thinking, mother,
186
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,472
and we are not talking
about Nancy Donovan.
187
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,630
- I don't want to talk
about Nancy Donovan.
188
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,633
I want to talk about
the little blonde girl
189
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,134
that you are sleeping with.
190
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,469
- What?
191
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,638
- A mother knows, Jackie.
192
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,265
- Oh, hi. Are you going up?
193
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,557
- Down, actually.
194
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,726
- Ugh, I forgot my phone.
195
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:18,855
- Two women, Jack,
at the same time.
196
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,815
What are you, Italian?
197
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,867
- I didn't choose for
it to happen like this.
198
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,236
- Be a man and pick one.
199
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,328
- I can't. They both
give me different things.
200
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,907
One connects me
to the man I was.
201
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,367
The other...
202
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:32,118
Inspires.
203
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:33,954
- Just listen to yourself, Jack.
204
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,997
- I know it's gay, but
it's my gay problem,
205
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:39,042
and I'm handling it.
206
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,461
We're ready to order now.
207
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,505
- Just bring my son
one of everything.
208
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,840
That way, he doesn't
have to choose.
209
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:48,635
- Hey.
210
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:52,347
Um, why was I given
this to wear on the show?
211
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,932
- Well, I loved your idea
212
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,850
that we both wear
the same outfit.
213
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,436
I just thought this one
might be more... Tv friendly.
214
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,188
- You mean instead
of the rompers
215
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,190
that your mother slaved over.
216
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,484
- Mom, this isn't Florida.
217
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,795
- You're damn right it isn't.
218
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,530
In Florida, everybody's
always asking me,
219
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,199
"where did you get
that? You made it?
220
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,827
Holy crap! Where do
I commission one?"
221
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,497
- Oh. This is about you
making money selling junk.
222
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,333
- Verna, this is my job,
223
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:21,852
and I know you
don't understand that,
224
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,878
'cause you haven't
had a job in 15 years.
225
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,170
- Because of my back.
226
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:26,656
Because of the
trampoline accident.
227
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,508
- But I need to look
a certain way on TV.
228
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,720
- You are nothing
but a spoiled brat.
229
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:32,512
You know what?
230
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:33,844
Here's what I think of you
231
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,057
and your fancy clothes.
232
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:42,313
That is quality stitching.
233
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,151
Damn the tiny, Brown
hands that made this.
234
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,532
- Oh, there you are.
235
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,160
- Just thought I'd tidy up.
236
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:55,827
- That's my computer.
237
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,119
- Oh, no, honey.
238
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,956
A computer is a great big
thing with a green screen.
239
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:04,044
- Mom, do you think it's weird
240
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:05,462
that I'm still single?
241
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,798
- Well, your standards
are very high.
242
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:09,591
As they should be.
243
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,802
I remember someone
who got a three
244
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,138
on her history ap test.
245
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,510
- But do I expect too much?
246
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:17,807
Maybe the moms were right.
247
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,379
Maybe I should
have just settled.
248
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,352
- I can't tell you
what to do, Liz,
249
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,814
but I know from
experience that that guy,
250
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,442
that perfect guy, is out there.
251
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,944
'Cause I know I found mine.
252
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,446
- See, that's all I want.
253
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:32,405
What you and dad have.
254
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,908
- Oh, I'm not talking
about your father.
255
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,326
- What?
256
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,513
- What do you mean
you're not talking about dad?
257
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,723
You love dad.
- Of course I do,
258
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,583
but dick Lemon isn't ed.
259
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:44,875
- Ed? Who's ed?
260
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,712
- Ed was my true
love, sweetheart.
261
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,007
He was my steady
at montclair high.
262
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,426
The night before he
was shipped off to Korea,
263
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,304
I repeatedly lost
my virginity to him,
264
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,807
while Waldo, the town perv,
265
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,225
watched from the bushes.
266
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,184
- Wait, what?
267
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,520
- Nothing, younger
me. It's fine.
268
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,230
He wanted to get married,
269
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:06,981
but when he was
invited to Houston
270
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,433
for his astronaut training...
271
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,068
- he was an astronaut?
272
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,920
You could have been
an astronaut's wife?
273
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,947
- It wasn't that simple, Liz.
274
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:17,283
I had just graduated
from secretary school,
275
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,285
and I got a job at
sterling Cooper.
276
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,830
I couldn't just
pick up and move.
277
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,124
I was already 26, an old maid.
278
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,792
- Different times. Octomom.
279
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,419
- So I settled for
a wonderful man,
280
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,588
and I have never regretted it.
281
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,467
Not even when I watched
ed aldrin walk on the moon.
282
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:38,304
- Wait, your ed is buzz aldrin?
283
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,181
- Yeah, but I
always called him ed,
284
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,268
because our town
had, like, five buzzes.
285
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,395
- You could have
married buzz aldrin?
286
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,856
You should regret that, mom.
287
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,357
You should have followed him.
288
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,984
Laura linney could
have played you
289
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:54,571
in the HBO original
movie moon wives!
290
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,116
- Where are you going, Verna?
291
00:10:58,408 --> 00:10:59,576
- Oh, I quit.
292
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,661
I've been working my ass off
293
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,746
pretending to be a good mom,
294
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,582
but Jenna doesn't appreciate it.
295
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,041
- I see.
296
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,311
Well, then good luck
paying for that other implant.
297
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,087
- It's not an implant, Jack.
298
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,046
I mean, I got the meat.
299
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,882
- Of course. I apologize.
300
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,551
Verna, you have a very
simple decision to make...
301
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,052
Quit, don't get paid,
302
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,904
and drive around
with one headlight out,
303
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,264
or, swallow your pride,
304
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:25,602
and get the money
you need tomorrow.
305
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,605
- They said they were gonna
put a wig on me or something
306
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,315
so that nobody
would recognize me
307
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:31,274
as the pajamarall lady.
308
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,068
- Like anyone would
recognize you anyway.
309
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,570
- I'm sorry. What did you say?
310
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,114
- You are way
beneath me, novella.
311
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,575
I am a movie star,
a television actor,
312
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,702
and a guinness book
of world record holder
313
00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,121
for most car accidents
in a single year.
314
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,173
- Maybe you wanted
someone more high-profile,
315
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,458
but I am what you got,
316
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,710
so, Tracy, you
better watch yourself,
317
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,879
or you may wind up
with no mother at all.
318
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:56,633
- Fine. I'd rather be up
on that Stage all alone
319
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:57,925
than to be with someone
320
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:01,179
whose resume has "black
judge" on it nine times.
321
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,097
- And you think I
wanted a fake son
322
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,226
who recorded an anti-condom psa?
323
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,645
- I saved a lot of
kids from lame sex!
324
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,521
- Little ingrate.
325
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,610
- All right, start with taxes,
326
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,946
then insurance, and change
this to "Latin America."
327
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,074
I can't say Nicaragua.
328
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:22,492
Gah!
329
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:23,784
- You must be Avery.
330
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:24,826
- Yes?
331
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,038
- I am so sorry, miss Jessup.
332
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,210
Mrs. Donaghy keeps
tricking me and running away,
333
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:30,500
but not anymore.
334
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,961
- Carl, they need
you out in the hall.
335
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,712
- Yes, ma'am!
336
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,839
- Mrs. Donaghy.
337
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,383
You must be Jack's mother.
338
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:39,092
- Indeed, I am.
339
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,428
And Jack has told
me so much about you.
340
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,223
You're going to have
to work your backside,
341
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:46,808
because chest-wise
342
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,811
you have the
measurements of an altar boy.
343
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,783
- I wish Jack had told
me you were in town.
344
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,482
- Well, men have their
little secrets, don't they?
345
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,858
Especially Jack.
346
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,693
- Secrets?
347
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:58,003
- What I'm trying to say is,
348
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,904
if you're serious about Jackie,
349
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,698
let him know now.
350
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,784
A man like Jack has
other irons in the fire.
351
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:06,076
- I beg your pardon?
352
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,870
- Oh! Look at the time.
353
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:12,917
I've got to get back to
calling Kenneth "Carl"
354
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,461
to see if he ever corrects me.
355
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:16,879
Carl!
356
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,171
- Yes, ma'am?
357
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,167
- Lemon, have you seen Colleen?
358
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,864
Kenneth was supposed
to be watching her,
359
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,074
but I just saw him
with his eyes closed
360
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:27,682
counting to infinity.
361
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,851
- You want to talk
about moms, Jack?
362
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,143
Listen to this.
363
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,814
My mother could have
married buzz aldrin.
364
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:35,481
- Oh, really? I know buzz.
365
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:37,066
We met at a photo shoot
366
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:40,361
for vanity fair's annual
awesome gentleman issue.
367
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,654
- My mom blew it, Jack.
368
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,407
She had true love,
and she threw it away
369
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,117
just because it
was inconvenient.
370
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,369
- Well, Lemon, if your mom
had ended up with buzz,
371
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,037
you would have never been born.
372
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,415
- Or I would have
been born Peter aldrin.
373
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,584
And I'd wait for a
woman with the right stuff.
374
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,156
Now, remember, in this scenario,
375
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,812
I'm a man and my
father is an astronaut.
376
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:58,629
- Well, Lemon, if
you'd like to see
377
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,361
what your mom's
life would have been,
378
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:01,734
I can arrange for
you to meet buzz.
379
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:02,901
- Are you serious?
- He's in town.
380
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:05,085
I saw him last night at
Rupert Murdoch's twister party.
381
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:08,931
I mean, uh, regular party.
382
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,602
- Tracy, this mother's
day thing is a disaster.
383
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:13,894
- I hear you.
384
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,216
Because you're
talking in the ear
385
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,373
that I didn't lose a button in.
386
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:19,442
- I thought Verna and I
had made this breakthrough,
387
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:20,276
but now we're just back
388
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:21,968
to fighting about
money and clothes.
389
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,279
Thank god Terry's dead,
390
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,091
or we'd be fighting
over him again too.
391
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,909
- Boy, I thought I had it
bad with my fake mom.
392
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,201
- Are you kidding?
393
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,370
At least your fake mom
394
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,061
has to act like she
cares about you.
395
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,373
- Yeah, it's true.
396
00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:34,704
And she is a good actress.
397
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,959
I bought those pajamaralls.
398
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:37,960
- And you got to choose her.
399
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,839
- No, Jenna, no one gets
to choose their mom...
400
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,131
Even when they're fake.
401
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,592
For good or bad,
402
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,884
we're stuck with them.
403
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,261
And you know what?
404
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,764
They don't get to choose
who we are, either.
405
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,933
And god knows we're not perfect.
406
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,684
- It's true.
407
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:58,022
Sometimes I sing
too beautifully.
408
00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,440
- What a nice surpri...
409
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,900
- is there another woman?
410
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:02,985
- What? How did you...? Colleen.
411
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,557
- Don't blame your mother, Jack.
412
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:05,780
This is about us.
413
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,574
- Oh, my god. Look,
Avery, you know how I feel.
414
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,786
So I'm gonna skip the
part where I deny anything.
415
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,787
Then you skip the part
where you yell at me.
416
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:16,416
And then we both move
on to the, uh, make-up sex.
417
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:17,417
- Wow.
418
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:18,835
That is a swing.
419
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,171
Look, I assumed you
and I were exclusive,
420
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,881
but we never talked about it,
421
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,884
so maybe this
is partly my fault.
422
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,678
- And I forgive you. Come here.
423
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:30,430
I'm sorry.
424
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,307
But these tactics have
worked on stupider women.
425
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,934
- If we're going
to move forward,
426
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:38,312
you better figure out
what it is you want.
427
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,606
Soon.
428
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,862
- Excuse me, Dr. Aldrin.
429
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,840
I'm sorry. There
wasn't a door, so I just...
430
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,007
- I don't believe in barriers,
431
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,867
because I always break them.
432
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:52,159
You must be Liz.
433
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:52,910
- Yes, sir.
434
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,788
I actually came about my
mother, Margaret Lemon.
435
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,080
Well, you would have known
her as Margaret Freeman.
436
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,710
- Maggie Freeman? Of
course I remember her.
437
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:01,669
- Well, I'm sorry to bother you,
438
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,505
but I can't help but
wonder what my mom lost
439
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,257
by giving up on you,
440
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:07,842
her perfect man.
441
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,094
- Perfect? Sure, I'm
a famous astronaut,
442
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:14,724
decorated fighter
pilot, doctorate from mit,
443
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:16,726
but even I sometimes...
444
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,312
I see you. I see
what you're doing.
445
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:23,149
Return to the night.
You've no business here.
446
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,641
- Are you yelling at the moon?
447
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,652
- I'm sorry. She and I just...
448
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:29,238
I get mad sometimes.
449
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:30,239
- Sure.
450
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,533
- Look, you want to know
what your mother missed?
451
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,328
Years of drinking,
depression, cheating.
452
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,539
I flipped over a saab in
the San Fernando valley.
453
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,542
I once woke up in the
air and space museum
454
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,795
with a revolver in the
waistband of my Jean shorts.
455
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,672
- Oh, my god. But you're...
456
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:47,964
- a human being.
457
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,592
But I'm at peace now.
458
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,761
Sober almost 32 years.
459
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:56,307
But I would have put
Maggie Freeman through hell.
460
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,352
The moms were right.
461
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:03,272
There's no such thing
as astronaut Mike Dexter.
462
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,564
What am I doing?
463
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,651
- I'm sorry if I've
disappointed you.
464
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,737
Would you like to yell at
the moon with buzz aldrin?
465
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:13,074
- Yes, please.
466
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,367
- I own you!
467
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:15,659
- You dumb moon!
468
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,537
- I walked on your face!
469
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:18,868
- Don't you know it's day?
470
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,290
Idiot!
471
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,543
- Well, I'm ready for the show.
472
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:27,338
- Mom, you're wearing my outfit.
473
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,507
- Well, a mother
makes sacrifices.
474
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:32,552
Like those 16 hours
I spent in labor,
475
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,595
even though it was
Margarita Monday
476
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,181
at dockside Joe's.
477
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,475
- Daughters make sacrifices too.
478
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,478
- Why are you wearing
that? Who's paying you?
479
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:43,770
- No one.
480
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,441
I'm wearing it for the same
reason you're wearing mine.
481
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,527
Because I love you.
482
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,321
- I love you too, baby girl. Oh.
483
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,073
- Why does your
chest feel weird?
484
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,576
- Uh, because I
love you so much.
485
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:01,455
- ♪ Sincerely ♪
486
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:07,461
♪ oh yes sincerely ♪
487
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:13,009
♪ 'cause I love you so dearly ♪
488
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:15,386
- You look beautiful... Mom.
489
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,305
- Thank you.
490
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,390
Son.
491
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:24,061
- I think I'm ready
for the sex talk.
492
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:29,984
- ♪ Oh you know how I love you ♪
493
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,446
- Mom, you were right to settle.
494
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:34,989
I'm glad you married dad.
495
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,532
- So am I, dear.
496
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,368
Now, would you please
find yourself someone
497
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,870
and start a family
498
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:44,457
before my hereditary
dementia sets in?
499
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:45,458
- Wait, what?
500
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,044
- ♪ Please say ♪
501
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:54,383
♪ you'll be mine ♪
502
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,470
- You.
503
00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,221
What is wrong with you?
504
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,513
I am 51 years old.
505
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,003
Do you not think I can take care
506
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,184
of my own personal life?
507
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,560
- Think? I know you can't.
508
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,312
You do a lot of things well...
509
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:09,774
Make money, choose
wine, wear ties.
510
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,318
But you and women? Disaster.
511
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,195
Divorce. Broken engagements.
512
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,113
I assume herpes.
513
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:17,549
- And I wonder
why I'm like that.
514
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:18,933
Maybe it's because
you can't let go
515
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,284
of your precious Jackie,
516
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,161
so you undermine
me at every turn.
517
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:23,954
- I'm not gonna
be around forever.
518
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,486
- Don't pull that out, Colleen.
519
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:27,333
- And if I don't do something,
520
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,335
you will never make a decision.
521
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:33,464
You'll just froufrou around
with Nancy and Avery
522
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,216
until they're both gone.
523
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,926
And then where will I be?
524
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:40,179
I'll be circling the globe
in my coffin rocket.
525
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:42,264
Something I saw on TV.
526
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:43,556
It's very expensive.
527
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,435
I'm done disapproving, Jackie.
528
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,979
I'm just trying to help.
529
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:52,024
I need to know that someone
530
00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,276
is looking out
for my little boy.
531
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,362
- All right, Colleen.
532
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:59,990
Then I'm asking you,
for the first time in my life,
533
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,326
tell me what to do.
534
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,370
- And I'm going to tell you,
535
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:08,249
for the first time in my life,
536
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,876
I can't!
537
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:14,505
- I... I did not lose her, sir.
538
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,216
Carl would never let you down.
539
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,788
Carl, that does not sound right.
540
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,095
Kevin... no.
541
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:24,265
Who am I?
542
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,891
Is it Keith?
543
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:29,061
No, that's not...
yes, I'm Keith.
544
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,234
- That's our show.
Thanks for watching.
545
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,586
- But before you go to bed,
546
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,405
our moms are gonna tuck
you in with a special song.
547
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:43,242
- ♪ Don't go to sleep with
a frown in your pocket ♪
548
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:47,079
- ♪ take it to the yard
and tie it to a rocket ♪
549
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:48,414
- ♪ shoot it to the moon ♪
550
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,416
♪ you'll feel better soon ♪
551
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:54,378
- ♪ don't go to
bed with a frown ♪
552
00:20:54,670 --> 00:21:01,719
All: ♪ don't go to
bed with a frown ♪
553
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,011
- Good night.
554
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,022
Stay tuned for a special
mother's day edition
555
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,016
of bitch hunter.