1 00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:03,197 - And I think we can both conclude 2 00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:05,756 that we finished q1 with better than expected results. 3 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,048 And I can promise that my performance will improve, 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,053 especially if you're a little more flexible on your end. 5 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,263 - I love it when you talk dirty to me. 6 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,182 I cannot wait to see you tonight. 7 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,476 - What are you going to wear? - To the museum gala? 8 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:19,353 Think slutty grace Kelly. 9 00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:22,105 - Oh, god bless you. I'm picturing it right now. 10 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:23,957 And the opposite of that just walked in. 11 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,235 - Tell Liz I said hi. - I will. 12 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,196 - Happy birthday, Jack. I got you a card. 13 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:33,116 It's one of those new ones where you can record a message. 14 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,928 Test, test, test. 15 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,787 This is a test for Jack's card. 16 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,289 ♪ Wonder woman ♪ 17 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:42,209 Excuse me, how do you re-record on these things? 18 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,061 Whatever. I'll definitely figure it out. 19 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,629 - Thank you, Lemon. 20 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,965 But my true present is that exquisite ensemble. 21 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,967 You look like a prison weed dealer. 22 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,387 - I'm coming back from a singles dodgeball match, okay? 23 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,556 - Good god. - The ymca near my apartment 24 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,367 offers a variety of singles activities, 25 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,768 and I am forcing myself to go to all of them. 26 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,300 - Well, I'm glad you're trying, 27 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:02,622 but I wish you didn't have to... 28 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:03,939 Lemon, are you wearing a cup? 29 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,775 - Oh, I forgot, only guys can get hurt there. 30 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,735 - I just wish it were easier for you. 31 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:12,781 You need an Avery... Simple, fun, uncomplicated. 32 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,175 As my good friend and fox-hunting partner 33 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,285 Mary J. Blige would say, "no more drama." 34 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,328 - Happy birthday! 35 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:19,246 - Nancy, what are you doing here? 36 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,539 - It's done, Jack. 37 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,791 I'm divorced! 38 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:26,044 Ruh-ro! 39 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:37,339 ♪ ♪ 40 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:48,150 - Hey, how did your dodgeball thing go? 41 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,442 Did you meet anyone? 42 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:50,484 - Not really. 43 00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,404 I mean, there was one okay guy. 44 00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,619 Eat it, bitch! 45 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:02,164 - What is wrong with you? He was flirting. 46 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,957 Did you ever even talk to him? 47 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,418 - I yelled at him about a rule violation. 48 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,670 - Oh... - His foot was over the line. 49 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,315 - How many more of these things are you going to? 50 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:11,798 - Line dancing this afternoon, 51 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,818 then tomorrow is the wine and cheese tasting. 52 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,219 Or, as I like to call it, singles fart suppression. 53 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,472 - Maybe I should go with you, be your wingman. 54 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,450 - Oh, thanks, Jenna, but you don't want to do that. 55 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,274 - No, it would be good acting research for me. 56 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,392 I'm up for a role 57 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,896 in national lampoon's Van Wilder's wingman, inc. 58 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:31,026 - I look forward to not watching that on an airplane. 59 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,696 - And this is our wardrobe department. 60 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,758 Uh, Nancy, this is the star of our show, Tracy Jordan. 61 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:38,262 Tracy, this is... - Not now, Jackie D. 62 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,485 I heard on the walkie-talkies 63 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:41,411 that there's a redheaded MILF walking around 64 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,581 with some executive. 65 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:48,669 - You know what, that felt really good. 66 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,588 So I'll see you at lunch. 67 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,090 - All right. 68 00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:54,984 - Kenneth, would you please show Mrs. Dougherty... 69 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,220 I'm sorry, um, Ms. Donovan, to the elevator? 70 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,933 - Have we met before? 71 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,352 - You shut your mouth! 72 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:08,230 - Now you're having lunch? Does Avery know about this? 73 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,147 - Lemon, the grown-up dating world 74 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,439 is like your haircut. 75 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,067 Sometimes awkward triangles occur. 76 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,999 - I feel like you've been saving that one. 77 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,821 - Obviously, this is unexpected. 78 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:18,174 I really didn't think that Nancy would ever get divorced. 79 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,033 - Why would a lady get divorced at 50? 80 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,325 Stick it out! 81 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,330 Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, 82 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:23,995 then you die. 83 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,790 - Yes, Nancy showing up is a game changer. 84 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,242 But if I blow this up now, all three of us will suffer. 85 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:30,794 - So what are you gonna do? 86 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:31,795 - I'm going to make the most 87 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,087 of this opportunity. 88 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,357 I'm going to pursue both relationships, 89 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,090 see how they develop, 90 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,217 and then make an informed decision. 91 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,302 - You're gonna juggle them? No. 92 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:40,971 Even you can't pull this off, Jack. 93 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:44,099 Mrs. Doubtfire shimself could not do this. 94 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,471 You are gonna blow it, and you're gonna end up alone, 95 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,162 and you're gonna have to go to singles dodgeball. 96 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,271 Put on these rec specs. 97 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,581 This is your future. Put 'em on. 98 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:51,148 - Lemon, no. Lemon... 99 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,317 Oh, god! The band is soaking! 100 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:58,405 Ugh... 101 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,993 - You will not believe what just happened to me. 102 00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,705 A guy on the subway just called me a biggledeeboo. 103 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:07,997 - What's a biggledeeboo? 104 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,458 - It's an 18th-century word 105 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:10,917 for "dark-skinned moor." 106 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,420 I've learned the word "black" in every language, 107 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,297 just so I'll know when to be offended. 108 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,259 Russian, chernyi. Korean, hoog-een. 109 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,553 Dolphin... Eeeeeeeeeeeee! 110 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,472 Eeeee-eeeee-ee-eee-eee-eee! 111 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,724 - Well, I'm sure it was just an isolated incident. 112 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,034 - Nuh-uh, I'm telling you, Dotcom, 113 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,060 old-school racism is back. 114 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,562 - How can racism be back 115 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,174 when we elected a black president? 116 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,399 - Barry Obams is the one who brought it back! 117 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,359 - So you're saying that racism is back 118 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,779 because white people no longer feel sorry for us? 119 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,190 - Hey, something's going on. 120 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,602 You know what I seen last night? 121 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:45,285 A slovin shield commercial with a black burglar! 122 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,373 - Aah! 123 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,459 Black man! 124 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:53,210 - That's not good. 125 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,504 - Come to think of it, I saw a white judge 126 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,130 on law & order last night. 127 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,840 - Oh, yeah, it's back on! 128 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,300 Get ready, son. 129 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:03,804 All you've ever known is your affirmative-action job 130 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:07,390 and queen latifah covergirl commercials. 131 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,392 - And one, two, and hip, four, 132 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:10,804 five, six, and seven, eight. 133 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,104 - I'm sorry, are we expecting more men? 134 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:16,358 - I'm Jerem! I collect posters. 135 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,194 - Look at me, Jerem. I know all the steps. 136 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:20,570 - Kind of. 137 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,948 ♪ ♪ 138 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:28,537 - So I know you're, like, the man who has everything. 139 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,456 You know, two of everything, in fact. 140 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:34,167 Right. Hilarious. 141 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,837 - But I, um... I got you a birthday present. 142 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:39,464 It's goofy. It's nothing. 143 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:44,553 Schwitzer's saltwater Taffy! 144 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,430 I haven't had this since that summer 145 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,391 we worked on cape bilge. 146 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,202 - I didn't have the heart to tell Mrs. Schwitzer 147 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,286 that you've moved to New York, 148 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,190 so I told her you were in jail for manslaughter. 149 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,021 - Oh... 150 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,913 - I even got them to make you that flavor 151 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:57,357 we invented. 152 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,089 - Peanut butter and Miller high life. 153 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,946 Oh, Nancy, thank you. 154 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,073 I love it. 155 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,492 - Mmm. 156 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,619 - So I'm, uh... 157 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,454 I'm only in town a couple of days. 158 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:15,000 Do you have to go to this black-tie thingy tonight? 159 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,544 Is it really better than me? 160 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,382 - It's not better. It's different. 161 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,885 There's no way of knowing at this point 162 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,344 which is better. 163 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:27,636 - What? 164 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,806 You're a wackadoo, Donaghy. 165 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,498 - Well, I want to spend as much time 166 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,143 with you as possible. 167 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,915 So why don't we meet for drinks after? 168 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:36,186 - You sure? 169 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,815 - Yes. Definitely. 170 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,750 - You always know you're at the right party 171 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,450 when it feels like the Riddler is about to attack. 172 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,910 Look at this guest list. 173 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:53,204 Harvey weinstein, Glenn Beck, Ashley Olsen. 174 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,207 - These are the people that make New York great. 175 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,977 - Come on, let's do the red carpet together. 176 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,711 The post will love it! 177 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,272 "Money bunny Avery Jessup steps out 178 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,672 with sexecutive Jack Donaghy." 179 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,233 - Well, no, I can't have my picture taken with you. 180 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,550 Someone might see it. 181 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:06,903 - What's that supposed to mean? 182 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:11,056 - Um, I'm just saying you're a business reporter, 183 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,366 and I'm trying to get fcc approval 184 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,684 for the Kabletown deal... It wouldn't look right. 185 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,312 Like Santa claus taking a shower. 186 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,023 - Okay, I think I get that. 187 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:21,475 - You go ahead. I'll meet you 188 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:22,192 on the other side with a drink. 189 00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:25,403 - Okay. 190 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,906 - Avery, over here! - I'm Jarem! 191 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:31,618 - Chelsea, hey, Chelsea handler, over here! 192 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,790 - Liz, I work here because I'm hilarious, right? 193 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:34,412 - Is this a trap? 194 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,706 - Earlier today, Tracy made the accusation 195 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:40,418 that I am the beneficiary of affirmative action. 196 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,171 - Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon. 197 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:48,510 - That is a 15th-century term for a black pirate! Racist! 198 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:52,263 - Is my presence on this staff tokenism? 199 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:56,059 - Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team. 200 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,621 - Then why are my paychecks a different color than Frank's? 201 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:02,315 - Because your salary does not come out 202 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:03,817 of our budget. 203 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,027 Look, Toof, you provide 204 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,029 a point of view that is essential 205 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:12,158 to keeping the diversity guy from bothering us. 206 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,369 - I do not want a job I did not earn. 207 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:18,331 I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says. 208 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,083 - "I'm cool"? No, I'm sorry. 209 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,252 You can't set me up like that. Don't quit. 210 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,421 - I quit! 211 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:31,678 - Wow, you look like Mr. Monopoly. 212 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,530 - And you look like you won second prize 213 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,473 in a beauty contest... Collect $10. 214 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:40,437 You sure you don't mind just having a drink up here? 215 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,369 I walked all the way to battery park today 216 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,274 in high-heeled boots, like a moron. 217 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:47,027 - No, I prefer it. Something from the minibar? 218 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,362 - Oh, no, are you kidding me? At those prices? 219 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:53,158 Left over from my amtrak ride. 220 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,159 - That's my Donovan. 221 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,202 - So listen, uh, 222 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,288 I know we've waited a long time 223 00:08:58,580 --> 00:08:59,289 for me to be single, 224 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,750 and I really want our first evening together 225 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,209 to be special and... 226 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,545 Oh, god, this is so queer. 227 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,298 I guess what I'm trying to say is 228 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,759 can we wait until the morning to fool around? 229 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,636 'Cause I'm exhausted, and I got the night bloats. 230 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:16,848 - Yes, the morning. I'm exhausted too. 231 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,767 Let's just watch TV. 232 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,186 - There's a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner classics. 233 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,521 - I thought you said this wasn't going to be sexual. 234 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:30,528 Oh, this is perfect. 235 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,870 I should take this. 236 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:39,788 Is everything okay? 237 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,915 - Is everything okay? 238 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,501 Here are the bullet points: Jeter's apartment. 239 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:45,793 We're playing beer pong. 240 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,921 It's New York Yankees versus former mayors. 241 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,673 I got 10 grand on the mayors. Get down here. 242 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,801 Oh, come on, dinkins! You're killin' me! 243 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,428 - Oh... - What's going on? 244 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,849 - It's work. I've gotta go. 245 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:05,105 Uh, no. I have to go. I'm sorry. 246 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,899 I'll call you. 247 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,068 - Don't work too hard. 248 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,283 - How's your episode of three's company going? 249 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,452 - Like three's company, it's titillating, 250 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,329 yet anxiety-producing. 251 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,206 I need your help, Janet. 252 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,875 - Aw, man, being Janet sucks! 253 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,487 - After the party last night, I went to Nancy's hotel room. 254 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,713 Then Avery called and made an offer I couldn't refuse. 255 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,424 - Ew, were you with both of them on one night? 256 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,261 You are officially a John Mayer-style garbage... 257 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,054 - I didn't have sex with anybody. 258 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,346 You were right, Lemon. I don't think I can do this. 259 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,559 Whichever one I'm with, I think she's the one. 260 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,931 How do you choose between Lee Marvin and Derek jeter? 261 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:46,396 - On looks, Lee Marvin. 262 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,481 - I feel like I'm being pulled apart, 263 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:49,774 and I need your help. 264 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,235 Today I'm going to the boat show with Nancy. 265 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:54,127 Tonight is my birthday dinner with Avery. 266 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,614 I hate the idea of Nancy having dinner alone 267 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:57,615 at the hotel tonight, 268 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,707 so I told her that you wanted to take her out. 269 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,995 - No, I have singles wine and cheese tonight. 270 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,663 - Then take Nancy with you. 271 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,057 - You know what, this whole thing is unfair. 272 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,624 You're juggling two beautiful women 273 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,519 while I have to pay to have kickballs whipped at me. 274 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:11,045 This is gender inequity out the Yang! 275 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,505 - This has nothing to do 276 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,464 with the slight difference in our genders. 277 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:14,756 - Yes, it does. 278 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,135 The older you get, the more distinguished you are. 279 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,387 Meanwhile, I'm reading a book called 280 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,431 hiding your arms, hiding your anger. Ff' 281 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,266 da ting over 35. 282 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:24,827 - Lemon, I am successful romantically 283 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,520 because I am confident, open, and positive. 284 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,012 You are negative, pessimistic, 285 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,827 and in danger of becoming permanently sour. 286 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,526 - Is this you asking me for a favor? 287 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,379 - Look, if I don't handle this situation right, 288 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,883 I'm going to lose both of these women. 289 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,366 And even worse, they're both going to lose me. 290 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,077 - Okay, fine. I'll do it. 291 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,122 Ugh... ow, my eyes are stuck. 292 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,166 Help me! 293 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,585 Okay. 294 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,629 - I can't believe Toofer quit! 295 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,356 Do you have any idea how much paperwork 296 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,608 I have to fill out because of this? 297 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:56,758 He left with his I.D. 298 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,050 Tracy! Tracy, Trey. 299 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,678 Buddy, will you call Toofer and talk some sense into him? 300 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,323 - Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy, 301 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,407 'cause we all know each other. 302 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,475 Pete, could you tell a bald eagle 303 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,645 to stop scaring me at zoos? 304 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:09,646 You know, I've been wanting to say this 305 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:10,938 for a few seconds now. 306 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,441 This workplace has become a hotbed 307 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,443 of old-school racism. 308 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,320 - Come on, Trey, no one here is racist. 309 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:18,923 - Oh, yeah? How come I'm always forced to play 310 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,407 ridicarus characters that don't enununcia tewell. 311 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,409 - Uh... 312 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,745 - So what? Look at Italians. 313 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,681 We're always portrayed either as goombahs or guidos, 314 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,875 but we don't care because we're successful members of society. 315 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,962 So maybe your problem is that you're finally being treated 316 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,254 like everybody else. 317 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:36,649 - Nah, you could play it off, 318 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,049 but I know you're all secretly mad 319 00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:41,511 'cause we finally have a black Disney Princess. 320 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,364 - You know, there actually hasn't been a white Princess 321 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:44,388 since 1991. 322 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,839 - Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine... wow, she's right! 323 00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,935 - There are little blonde girls in this country 324 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:50,496 who have no idea they can be beautiful. 325 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,647 That's why I started "Jenna's kids." 326 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,939 It's a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls 327 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,485 how to be mean. 328 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,154 - You, call Toofer. Beg him to come back. 329 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,573 - Absolutely not. - Of course not. 330 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,702 The Aryan hates and fears the African man, 331 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,079 as we so clearly saw in the blade movies. 332 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,971 - What? No, I didn't want Toofer to quit, 333 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,791 but I respect his decision. 334 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,283 As a woman in this business... 335 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,752 - Oh, stop that! - Shut up, Liz. 336 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,284 - In this world, I have never received special treatment, 337 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:18,923 at work or in love. 338 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,426 So why should anybody else? 339 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:22,885 Oh, Liz... 340 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,013 - I love coming here. You know, 341 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:25,930 this is one of the only restaurants in america 342 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,222 with a veal tank. 343 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,392 - It just tastes better when you pick your own. 344 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,437 - You know, Jack, 345 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,064 I think I know the real reason you were acting weird 346 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,709 about doing the red carpet with me. 347 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,359 - Okay. 348 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,571 - You're self-conscious about our age difference, 349 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,737 and you thought you'd look old standing next to me. 350 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:45,783 - I see. You're very perceptive. 351 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,275 - I get why it's on your mind, 352 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,412 what, with your birthday and my amazing skin. 353 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,664 And sure, people in this restaurant 354 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,076 might think you're my dad... 355 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:54,751 - Or that you're my prostitute. 356 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:58,004 - Exactly. But what does it matter? 357 00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:01,466 - Uh, maybe it does matter. 358 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,444 I mean, yeah, if I'd met you 20 years ago... 359 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,154 Well, not you, because you would have been 16, 360 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,680 which is, of course... Wrong. 361 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,099 I'm just saying, are we kidding ourselves with this? 362 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,893 I'm 51 years old. 363 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,936 Do you even know who Lee Marvin is? 364 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,064 - The sportscaster who bites ladies. 365 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,565 Who cares? 366 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,068 - Then again, if I were with someone my own age, 367 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,320 I'd miss out on a lot of things I want. 368 00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,238 I'd never have a family... - Jack? 369 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,032 Relax. 370 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:27,604 We've only been together a month. 371 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,504 We don't need to worry about this stuff now. 372 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:33,122 Especially not on your birthday. 373 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,624 - Are these the cufflinks... 374 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,625 - Reagan was buried in. 375 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:36,959 Don't ask how I got them. 376 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,755 But I do know the access code to his pyramid. 377 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,247 - Oh, Avery, this is too much. 378 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,258 - No, it's perfect, Jack. 379 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,803 Someday you'll be as a great a man as he was. 380 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:50,056 - I do like jelly beans. 381 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,743 - Look at me, I'm at a singles event in New York City. 382 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:53,935 La-di-dah. 383 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,907 I mean, sure, it's a little Bright in here, 384 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,248 and they could have rescheduled that youth karate class... 385 00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,315 All: Yes, sensei. 386 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:00,608 - But this is fun! 387 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,777 - Oh, come on, it's pathetic. 388 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,153 Why am I doing this? 389 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,406 - 'Cause you're living life. 390 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,075 Hey, how you doing? You see Avatar? 391 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,827 - Yeah. That new 3-D is amazing. 392 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,839 - Yeah, I don't know, I found myself rooting 393 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,581 for our boys in uniform, not those Blue hippies. 394 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:16,873 But full disclosure, 395 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:18,626 I had a couple of drinks prior to. 396 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,420 You know Liz? 397 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,272 - Yeah, I thought that marine robot thing... 398 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:22,922 - they weren't marines. 399 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,400 Some of them were former marines, 400 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:24,966 but they were mercenaries 401 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,527 working for a space mining company. 402 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,805 - All right. See you later. 403 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,097 - What are you doing? 404 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,300 I was warming him up for you, 405 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:35,393 and you start talking about space mining? 406 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,329 - What, do you just want to sit around and be wrong? 407 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,064 - Come on, Liz, every man in this room is single. 408 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,483 Who do you want to meet? 409 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:43,776 Nobody. 410 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,388 I mean, that guy has a beard. Who knows what's under there? 411 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,989 Tattoo guy, too promiscuous. 412 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,033 T-shirt tucked into jeans... Pbbbt! 413 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,137 Oh, that guy looks like he'd just be mean to me. 414 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,246 - God, Liz, you're so negative. 415 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,290 - Oh, now you just sound like Jack. 416 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:58,851 - Hey, I'm no relationship expert. 417 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,477 The last time I used a birth control device, 418 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,501 it was the '70s, and it looked like soap on a rope. 419 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,464 But every time you say what you don't want, 420 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,717 you sound like a cranky cow, and you're not that. 421 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,427 You're smart and you're fun. 422 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:12,096 So stop talking about what you don't want, 423 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,948 and start figuring out what you do want. 424 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,225 And then go get it. 425 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,644 Jerem, look how drunk I am, 426 00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,855 and how full of cheese my mouth is! 427 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,900 - That's not that much cheese. 428 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,698 - No, no, don't. 429 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,659 - No, it's okay. I don't want to hurt you. 430 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,828 But I'll tell you what I do want. 431 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,039 I want someone who will be monogamous 432 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,499 and nice to his mother. 433 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,376 And I want someone who likes musicals, 434 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,963 but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching lost. 435 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:50,468 And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, 436 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,428 and strip clubs are gross. 437 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,349 I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher 438 00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,893 instead of just taking out forks as needed, 439 00:16:59,185 --> 00:16:59,894 like I do. 440 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:03,481 I want someone with clean hands and feet, 441 00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:06,776 and beefy forearms, like a damn Disney prince. 442 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:10,321 And I want him to genuinely like me, 443 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,281 even when I'm old. 444 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,951 And that's what I want. 445 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,305 You making much English. 446 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:21,874 This is fun alcoholics meeting! 447 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,918 - Yeah. 448 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,550 - Well, well, well. 449 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:32,721 Never got a hand up... Is that right, Liz Lemon? 450 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,762 - What? Come on, Pete, I'm in a good mood. 451 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,138 - And it's over! 452 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,392 While trying to find Toofer's dental records in personnel, 453 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:43,104 down on the basement mezzanine, 454 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,899 I pulled your file. 455 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,191 "Elizabeth"... 456 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,878 I don't know how to pronounce your middle name... 457 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:50,902 "Lemon." 458 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,674 - You attended the university of Maryland 459 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:56,576 on a partial competitive jazz dance scholarship. 460 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,790 - So? 461 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,167 - So ncaa competitive jazz dance was created 462 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,459 as part of title ix. 463 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,213 You were able to pay for college because of a program 464 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,840 that favored women. 465 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,925 - Favored women to correct an imbalance. 466 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,386 - There's more. 467 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,155 You were only hired by the second city 468 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:18,865 because they needed someone who could remember 469 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:20,391 to feed the theater cat! 470 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:21,934 - Oh, no... Otis. 471 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:23,245 - And you're gonna hate this one. 472 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:25,896 The only reason NBC picked up the girlie show 473 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:28,188 is because of the flak they got from women's groups 474 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:32,320 after airing the action drama bitch hunter. 475 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,866 - Happy birthday, bitches! 476 00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:44,248 - Oh, my god! 477 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,083 I'm no better than Toofer... 478 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,337 Or Lutz, with his Bs inuit ancestry, 479 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,981 or you, whose dad was in the masons 480 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,005 with Dave Garroway. 481 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,382 I shouldn't be here. 482 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,384 - This is america. 483 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,036 None of us are supposed to be here. 484 00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,181 - I need to dance this out. 485 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:12,276 Jack, would TGS have gotten on TV if I was a dude? 486 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,737 - No, it was affirmative action. 487 00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,465 Why do you think your checks aren't the same color 488 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,449 as Howie mandel's? 489 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,370 Two amazing gifts from two amazing women. 490 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,539 - Each gift symbolic of the woman who gave it to you. 491 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,041 One, the past... 492 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,377 A connection to home and the man that you were. 493 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,921 - The other, the future... The promise... 494 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,756 - yes, Lemon, I get it. 495 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,011 I can't let this go on any longer. 496 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,055 I choose... Avery! 497 00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,350 Right? Yes. 498 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:45,184 - Okay, but are you sure it's not just because 499 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,476 you saw Avery last? 500 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,939 - No. Well... 501 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,650 - Hey, Liz, how'd it go with the guys at dodgeball? 502 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,193 You let one in? 503 00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,071 Into your heart, I mean. God. 504 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,240 - Oh. It actually went okay. 505 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,201 - I'm sorry you and I couldn't get together last night. 506 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:05,287 - Yeah, me too. But now I gotta run. 507 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,659 But what do you say I come back in a couple of weeks, 508 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,167 I cook you a pot roast, we drink too much wine, 509 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,378 and see how it goes? 510 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,675 - That sounds amazing. 511 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,533 - We'll be keeping an eye on this story as it develops, 512 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,226 but it's clearly a conflict of interests. 513 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:28,185 And at the risk of editorializing, 514 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,020 I am personally outraged. 515 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,990 - But you gotta count Princess Giselle from enchanted. 516 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,522 - Hey, what are you doing here? 517 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,536 - Liz has invited me back as a budgeted employee. 518 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,057 Apparently, I am the only one among us 519 00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,747 who can spell. 520 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:49,081 - Welcome back, James. 521 00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,373 - Hang on, who's James? 522 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,084 - As a condition of my re-employment, 523 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,456 I have requested that I no longer be called "Toofer." 524 00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:56,422 - Great! New nickname suggestions. Go! 525 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,507 - Victoria Q. Nerdballs. 526 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,134 - Kanye east. - Super virgin! 527 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,178 - Splock. Short for "black Spock." 528 00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:03,572 - Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay. 529 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,676 - Okay, fine, fine! Toofer. 530 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,056 I'll just go back to Toofer. 531 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:07,683 - Yay! Welcome back!