1 00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:04,254 - A breakfast date? Who is this guy? 2 00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:05,714 - Uh, I met him on Kdate, 3 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,193 which is the personals section of the kraft foods website. 4 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,217 - And what was he like? 5 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,094 - He owns a cockatiel named arliss. 6 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,679 - Oh, god. 7 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,157 - But I'm not letting it get me down. 8 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,992 I'm just gonna keep putting positive energy out there, 9 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,768 and something good will come back to me. 10 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,140 - Good morning, miss Lemon. 11 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,022 A Mr. Debarber called. - Seriously? 12 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,859 A Mr. Debarber called. 13 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,320 - Floyd called. Oh, my god. 14 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:31,615 - That's amazing. What you said worked. 15 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743 - Okay, universe, 16 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,703 send me a white football player... 17 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,247 No kickers or linemen. 18 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:49,341 ♪ ♪ 19 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,935 - Hey, Danny, congratulations. 20 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,145 - Congratulations? For what? 21 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,106 - Danny was nominated for a juno, 22 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,024 which is like a Canadian grammy. 23 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,360 - Yeah, I recorded the psych up song that plays 24 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,820 during Ottawa senators games. 25 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,989 ♪ The crowd's getting loud ♪ 26 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,281 ♪ scotiabank place ♪ 27 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,158 ♪ make a hockey-loving face ♪ 28 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,743 ♪ at scotiabank place ♪ 29 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:19,871 I'm not gonna win, but it's an honor just to be nominated 30 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,873 in the same category as sir Dave Coulier. 31 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,845 - Well, it should be great exposure for ya. 32 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,836 - I know! And there's gonna be a profile of me 33 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,755 in The New York Times as filler because of dwindling ad sales. 34 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,675 Isn't that awesome? 35 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:34,886 - I am sick of that guy's positive energy. 36 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,471 We got to start messing with him. 37 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,741 - Yeah. Like, what if we trick him into kissing me? 38 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,809 It'd be so funny because I'm not gay. 39 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,438 - Or if the pranksmen write that times profile ourselves, 40 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,732 making Danny look like an idiot. 41 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,567 - And put it in the press packet 42 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,319 that everybody gets. 43 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:54,072 - This is the most friends I've ever had. 44 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,867 - Kenneth, I'm having a Tracy and Jenna problem. 45 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:57,743 - Gosh, Mr. Hornberger, 46 00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,244 you say that so often, 47 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,496 you should come up with a shortcut word for it, 48 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,499 like, "ivatrennapra." 49 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,352 - Well, Danny's interview with the New York times 50 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,086 comes out today, so "ivatrennapra." 51 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,421 - A what? 52 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:10,982 - If Tracy and Jenna hear about it, 53 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,108 they'll get jealous and act out, 54 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:12,674 and as much as I want to, 55 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,760 I can't slap the brat out of them. 56 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,387 So Tracy and Jenna will spend the day in the makeup room, 57 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,474 having full plaster impressions made of their faces. 58 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:24,019 So that should shut them up for, uh, let's say, 12 hours. 59 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,021 - Oh, my, that's a long time. 60 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,593 Maybe I should keep them company. 61 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,609 - Yes. Tell them your stories. 62 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,820 They'll hate that. 63 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,781 - Silly Mr. Hornberger. 64 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:39,576 Always saying hate when he means love. 65 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,790 - Hello, Floyd. It's Liz. 66 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,375 - Thank you for calling me back. 67 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,085 We have so much to catch up on. 68 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:51,338 - Yeah. So how are you? - Oh, my god. 69 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:53,630 You're not gonna ask me what's wrong with my voice? 70 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,175 - I was being polite. 71 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,803 Look, Liz, I'm sorry I haven't called 72 00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,572 in a while, but I'm in New York for a couple days, 73 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,598 and I, uh... I'd really like to see you. 74 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:02,933 - Wow. Great. Okay. 75 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,769 Um, just tell me now if you've grown a goatee. 76 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,229 - No, no, no goatee, 77 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,689 just chola eyebrows. 78 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,608 So are you free tonight? 79 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,027 - Uh, I have to work late. Can it be tomorrow night? 80 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,399 - Yeah. I mean, I'd love to see you sooner than that, 81 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:17,799 but, you know, whatever works. 82 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,616 - Okay, well, I'll call you tomorrow. 83 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,228 - Okay, perfect. Uh, I got to run. 84 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,619 Call me. - Ciao. 85 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:23,995 Uh. 86 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,415 - I don't know how this happened, Jack, 87 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,332 but it's bad. 88 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,167 I think I really screwed up. 89 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,603 - With a female page? Don't worry. 90 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,227 They disappear all the time. 91 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,023 - No, I did an interview for the New York times, 92 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,127 and they printed all of this stuff that I didn't say. 93 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,258 - Typical liberal media. 94 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,510 That's why I get all my news 95 00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,762 from dick Cheney's website... Dickviews.Com. 96 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,724 - I never said that Liz banged her way to the middle 97 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,976 or that Jenna kidnapped a Swedish au pair 98 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,394 to use as a hair farm, 99 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,648 and I never called Tracy clean and articulate. 100 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,483 Why would I? He's not. 101 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,215 This stuff is in the newspaper, Jack. 102 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,998 Everyone's gonna see it. - No, they're not. 103 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,488 It's a hoax. - What? 104 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,660 - The New York times doesn't have a staff writer 105 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,284 named Seymour nips. 106 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,035 You've been pranked by the nerds. 107 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:08,999 My guess is this is the work of Frank, the black one, 108 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,542 and... 109 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,043 Lutz. 110 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,135 - The writers... Why would they do that to me? 111 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:16,566 - Because they look at you, and you're everything they're not. 112 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,984 You're handsome. - So are you, Jack. 113 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:18,467 - I wasn't fishing, but thank you. 114 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,927 Danny, we will not let this stand. 115 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,488 - Well, then what are we gonna do? 116 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,765 - I'm no stranger to the art of Japery. 117 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,767 At Princeton, I was in a secret society. 118 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,435 I shouldn't tell you this, 119 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,207 but one time we snuck up to dartmouth, 120 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,396 put their mascot in a box, 121 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,732 and sent it to Mexico City. 122 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,358 We didn't know until the next day 123 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,611 that it was an actual Indian. 124 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,321 He didn't speak a word of English, 125 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,865 like all dartmouth men. 126 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,450 - All right, I'm game. 127 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,911 Let's team up. What should we call ourselves? 128 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,538 - What's the most handsome animal? 129 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,957 Both: The silver panther. 130 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,046 - Guess who called me? 131 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,965 - The boob job recall center? 132 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,842 - No. Floyd. 133 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,494 We're having dinner tomorrow night, 134 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,220 and I don't know what it means, 135 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,722 but I am allowing myself to be excited. 136 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:06,640 I mean, on the phone, it was like 137 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,267 we were just right back there, Liz and Floyd. 138 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,729 - Liz and who? - Come on. Floyd. 139 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,941 My ex-boyfriend, the only good boyfriend I've ever had... 140 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,568 Recovering alcoholic, he used to work in this building. 141 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,737 - Oh, you mean that guy? 142 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,673 - And, of course, this is our other finalist couple 143 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,242 for the today wedding contest, Floyd and Kaitlin. 144 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,955 - Whahk? 145 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,670 - And old Gus is the biggest catfish in the pond. 146 00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:39,339 Legend has it the only bait that'll catch old Gus 147 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:40,831 is a piece of old Gus himself. 148 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,551 So every time they catch him, 149 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,219 they cut off a little piece of him, 150 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,887 so they can catch him. 151 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,390 Now, how did the very first person catch old Gus? 152 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,518 Well, that's a story for another time... 153 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:52,435 Right now. 154 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,646 So if my grandfather hadn't gotten 155 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,314 on the wrong train that day, 156 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,567 he never would have met his wife's murderer. 157 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,112 I wonder what Hawaii's state quarter's gonna be? 158 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,113 Nobody knows. 159 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,282 But here are several hundred guesses... 160 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,367 A pineapple, a coconut... 161 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:14,624 ♪ ♪ 162 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,561 - Uh, Lemon, could I have your weakness files 163 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:17,665 on Frank, Toofer, and Lutz? 164 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,297 - Floyd's getting married, maybe on the today show. 165 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,382 ♪ ♪ 166 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,758 - Floyd never told you? 167 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,720 I mean, "b"s before "h"s, but that is low. 168 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,221 - This sucks, Jack. 169 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,223 I know that I'm a sour person, 170 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,892 and I don't like a lot of people, 171 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:32,809 but I liked Floyd. 172 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,461 And I guess in the back of my mind, 173 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,105 I thought we'd end up together someday, 174 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,458 that, you know, the whole thing would turn out like a movie 175 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,401 where Christopher cross sings a song like, 176 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:44,321 ♪ all my days, I've been waiting ♪ 177 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,364 ♪ for you to come back home ♪ 178 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,116 ♪ in the moonlight ♪ 179 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,828 ♪ of New York City ♪ 180 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,455 - Lemon, I'm sorry. 181 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,187 We all have our romantic pipe dreams. 182 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,143 I thought that Nancy would leave her husband for me, 183 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,376 and it's not going to happen. 184 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,708 They're Boston Irish catholic... They mate for life, 185 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:03,548 like swans, like drunk... 186 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:04,840 Angry swans. 187 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,694 Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin. 188 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,094 I love this woman. 189 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,386 - Oh, my god. 190 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:13,016 I can hear him on the Plaza. 191 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,353 Hey, keep it down out there! 192 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:20,398 This isn't Liz. 193 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,817 Okay, it's bad enough that he is getting married, 194 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,236 but does he have to do it right outside my window? 195 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,280 No. He cannot win this contest! 196 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,699 - Lemon, I know you're hurt, and I know that look, 197 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,409 but don't even think about revenge. 198 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,953 You are not a silver panther. 199 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,746 - What are you talking about? 200 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,238 - Just stick to the high road. 201 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:37,778 The low road is a slippery slope. 202 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:41,461 I know, Jack. Believe me. 203 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,273 I mean, it's like, on TV, it used to be 204 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,420 you couldn't say crap, and then they let that slide. 205 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,217 And now we can say whatever we want... 206 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:48,593 Douche bag, asswipe. 207 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,261 - Anal rot. - Exactly. 208 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,347 - So I'm simply gonna ask Floyd, 209 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,558 as a friend and former intercourse companion, 210 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,310 to do me the favor 211 00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,230 of not getting married right outside my window. 212 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,875 I'm gonna meet him tomorrow night at McShanley's for dinner. 213 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,979 - McShanley's? The place where you got food poisoning 214 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,361 from the fish three times? 215 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,029 - So? - So are you sure 216 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,948 you're not planning to get Floyd sick 217 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,592 and sabotage his chance of winning? 218 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,910 - What? No, Jack, that never even occurred to me. 219 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,496 - Then you'll never be a silver panther. 220 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:20,542 - I don't care. I'll start my own group. 221 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,128 Rejection from society is what created the X-Men. 222 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,797 - So to get there, you start on old barn road. 223 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,842 Then you take the first left, then the next left, 224 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,177 then the next left, and then another left. 225 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:32,780 That'll take you around the quarry, 226 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,764 which is real pretty. I just wanted you to see it. 227 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,808 That'll put you back on old barn road. 228 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,227 - What do you got there? - Have you guys seen this? 229 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,354 - We are getting a report from right here 230 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:44,482 at Rockefeller center that there is a toxic gas leak 231 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:45,483 in the building. 232 00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,255 - Whahk? - The type of gas is unknown, 233 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:50,071 but it is triggering the building's autolocks. 234 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,365 - What is happening? 235 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,242 - Oh, my god, what do we do? 236 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,854 What do we do? - I know a way out! 237 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,831 What's wrong? 238 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,123 - So much of my life 239 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,667 have I wasted putting things on hats! 240 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,319 - We are now getting reports that the toxic leak has created 241 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,465 what police are calling a Cloverfield type monster 242 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,383 in the building. 243 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:13,470 The monster cannot detect the smell of human skin. 244 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:17,182 Anyone still inside should disrobe immediately. 245 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,690 - I'm keeping my hat on. I don't care, man. 246 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,542 Get them off, Lutz. Get your shorts off. 247 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,362 - Gentlemen, I wanted some 248 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,032 of the TGS dancers to see this. 249 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,076 - Now we're even, guys. 250 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:40,288 As you were, nerds. 251 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:45,126 - Surculus et pruna. Surculus et pruna. 252 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,938 - Now, I don't have a lot of experience 253 00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,492 reading stuff out loud to people, 254 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,924 so I'm gonna do this the most normal way 255 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,509 I can think of. 256 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,594 Space, space, space, space, space, 257 00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,388 space, my autobiography, space, space, 258 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,557 space, space, space, by Kenneth Ellen Parcell. 259 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:03,103 Space, space, space, space, space. 260 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,732 - Thank you. 261 00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,025 - Good morning, ladies. 262 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,693 - Mm-hmm. Good morning. 263 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:15,490 Liz, last night I had a very graphic dream about Kenneth. 264 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,075 - What? Ugh! 265 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,407 - I know. It's disgusting. 266 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,304 But Tracy and I had to listen to Kenneth talk 267 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,371 for hours yesterday. 268 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,263 He must have gotten into my subconscious. 269 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,708 And then I dreamed that he and I... 270 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,520 - I don't want to hear it. La la la la! 271 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,337 ♪ Da da, no ♪ 272 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,023 - Good morning, Mr. Jordan. - Oh, good morning. 273 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,340 Lemaroni, 274 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,392 something horrible happened to me last night. 275 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,678 I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate 276 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:37,970 in a portable jacuzzi. 277 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,556 It was crazy. 278 00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,474 Glistening black and white skin... 279 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,269 It looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born. 280 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,271 - He got me too. It was horrifying. 281 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,148 Now I never want to go to sleep. 282 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:52,235 - Just like this amazing city that we live in. 283 00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:57,574 - I knew it. 284 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,118 Surculus et pruna is the motto 285 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,119 of the twig and plums. 286 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,329 - And your motto is, "above all, be boring." 287 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,622 - Listen to me. 288 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,208 Twig and plums is a Princeton secret society, 289 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,918 and Jack is clearly a member. 290 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,045 - So? - So they have all kinds 291 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,547 of weird rituals and rules, 292 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,549 like if someone says "twig and plums" 293 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,843 in front of a member, he has to find an excuse 294 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,895 to leave the room, no matter what he's doing. 295 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,388 - What? - But during the period 296 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,740 of the '90s... - Twig and plums! 297 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,932 - Thank you, folks. 298 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,518 Excuse me, I have tickets to a Harry connick Jr. concert. 299 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,813 - Jack messed with the wrong fat losers. 300 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,565 Yeah! 301 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,775 - This issue is time-sensitive, so hear me out 302 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,569 before the overseas markets... 303 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,821 Open for the day. 304 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,823 - Twig and plums. 305 00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:41,618 - Excuse me, gentlemen. 306 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:45,747 I have a, uh... Veterinary appointment. 307 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,669 - What's up? How you guys doing? 308 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,838 - Do you want to split some mozzarella sticks? 309 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,423 - I saw you on the today show. 310 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,715 - Damn it. 311 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,819 I could have sworn you watched the early show on CBS. 312 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,553 - The early show? What am I, in a hospital? 313 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,971 - I'm so sorry, Liz. 314 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,200 You know, I just wanted to tell you everything face-to-face. 315 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,160 I did not mean for you to find out about Kaitlin on TV. 316 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,536 Believe me, if I had a time machine, 317 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,771 I would go back and do it differently. 318 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,415 You want to split some mozzarella sticks? 319 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,759 Aagh! I didn't go back far enough. 320 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,028 Look, I-I want you to be happy, 321 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,405 and obviously you have a life to live, 322 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:22,242 but your getting married is a big deal to me. 323 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,911 So please, don't do it where I work. 324 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:28,081 And don't drag my best friend, TV, into it. 325 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:29,832 - No, I get it. I do. 326 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,404 But I'm sorry. I got to do this. 327 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,795 Look, Kaitlin is a yogaerobics instructor 328 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,087 and an ab model. 329 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,171 - I was in a reenactment 330 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,383 on america's most wanted once, 331 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:41,803 playing a lady strangled on the toilet. 332 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,280 - We're just hoping the exposure can help Kaitlin 333 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,544 get some jobs here in New York. 334 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,766 - Here in New York? Wow. 335 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,018 Let's just order. 336 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,437 - I'm sorry, Liz. - No. 337 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,940 Don't be. It's fine. High road. 338 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:56,442 - So are you seeing anyone? 339 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,027 - You should try the fish! 340 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:06,470 - What would you like for dinner, Mr. Jordan... 341 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:10,039 Barbecue or me? 342 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,209 - No! No! 343 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:14,520 - Are you all right, Tracy? 344 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,004 - I had another freaky Ken-mare. 345 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,923 - It's okay. We're gonna get through this... 346 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,926 Together. 347 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:25,305 No! 348 00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:30,310 I just had another Kenneth dream. 349 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,937 - Me too. But how do I know this isn't a dream? 350 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,355 Wait a minute. 351 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,899 All my teeth are loose, so we're good. 352 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:37,775 It's real. 353 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,507 - Tracy, my dreams are getting worse. 354 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,071 This one was so graphic. 355 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,867 Kenneth and I were married and living in Indianapolis. 356 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,159 We had kids. 357 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,245 - What kind of sick mind dreams that? 358 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,039 - It was disgusting! 359 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,766 We have to get him out of our dreams. 360 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,270 We have to go back to how things were. 361 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,002 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 362 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,574 Both: We have to Elm Street this. 363 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,465 We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams. 364 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,157 - I don't know who the hell told you 365 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,098 to say that, Rossitano, but you have no idea... 366 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,720 - twig and plums. 367 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,184 - I have to go to an intervention 368 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,102 for my... 369 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,355 Travel agent. 370 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,154 - So that's your second salmon. 371 00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:24,446 How are you feeling? 372 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:25,823 - Like a rock star. 373 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,326 Hey, excuse me, can I get another salmon, compadre? 374 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,036 Sauce on the side again, please? 375 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,968 Eating healthy, 'cause I'm marrying a lady 376 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,891 that keeps it fit... You know, nice and tight. 377 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,042 You know... Kapow! 378 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,334 Yeah. 379 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,461 - Are you okay? 380 00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,153 - Hmm? Hells, yeah. Yeah, I'm great. 381 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,923 - ♪ Shot through the heart ♪ - whoa-oa! 382 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,215 - ♪ And you're to blame ♪ 383 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,675 - This is my jam right here. 384 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,445 - ♪ You give love a bad name ♪ - ooh, my jam-a-I am. 385 00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:47,469 Mm-mm! 386 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:51,766 ♪ ♪ 387 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,178 - So another Jack-glazed salmon. And anything for you? 388 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,978 - Wait, what is Jack glaze? 389 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,270 - It's our special sauce that we put on the salmon. 390 00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,998 It's molasses and honey and Jack Daniels. 391 00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,194 - It has alcohol in it? No, no, he doesn't drink. 392 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,254 - Oh, don't worry. The alcohol cooks down with the fish. 393 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,839 - But what if you get the sauce on the side, 394 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,132 and it isn't cooked with the fish? 395 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,743 - That would explain why we have so many drunk kids here. 396 00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:14,539 - ♪ Angel's smile... ♪ - Oh, what have I done? 397 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:18,209 This is the slippery slope. 398 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,045 There's alcohol in that sauce. 399 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,880 You've been drinking alcohol. 400 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,298 - Trying to get me drunk? 401 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,801 Squeeze in one last ride at Six Floyds amusement park? 402 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,928 Well, we're closed. Sorry. 403 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,031 - No, Floyd, I just wanted you to get food poisoning 404 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,335 to mess up your today show thing. 405 00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,558 Look, you're drunk. 406 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,690 It's my fault. Let's get you back to the hotel. 407 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,353 - No, I would never do that to you... 408 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,357 Get you drunk on salmon or any fish! 409 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,484 I thought we cared about each other. 410 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:44,485 - Yeah, I did too. 411 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,612 I thought the only thing keeping us apart 412 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,215 was that you wanted to live in Cleveland, 413 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,866 but you'll move to New York for Kaitlin. 414 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,367 - Yeah, I will. You know why? 415 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,578 One, blonde. 416 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,164 Two, she's alive... 417 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,456 Like a deer. 418 00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,918 She runs and sniffs and jumps and stares. 419 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,753 She's not like the badger 420 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:06,632 with its glasses and its rules about weekday sex. 421 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:09,124 - Those are good rules. People have work in the morning. 422 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,928 - How are you still single, Liz? 423 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,847 There's so many guys out there 424 00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:16,601 that want to be poisoned and yelled at. 425 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,896 - Yeah, well, uh, have a good night. 426 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,522 Enjoy your salmon. 427 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,608 - Salmon for everyone... 428 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,069 On me. 429 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,324 - This is a dream. 430 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:35,036 You're in control. 431 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,964 - Why? I considered you a brother. 432 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,674 Aah! 433 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:49,966 - It's working. 434 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,844 We've joined forces in our dreamscape. 435 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,263 Now we fly. 436 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,557 - What the hell are you doing? 437 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,060 - Uh, controlling our dreams? 438 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,436 - We can explain, Pete. 439 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,368 We were just trying to Elm Street Kenneth. 440 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,899 - Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. 441 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,991 I haven't even had my first cup of wine today. 442 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,278 - Tracy, it's morning. 443 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,906 We slept all night, and we didn't dream about Kenneth. 444 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,908 We're cured. - It worked! 445 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,660 - It's a miracle. 446 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,249 - No, I got in a lot of writing... 447 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,838 Who's that from? 448 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,096 - That's my mom's room. 449 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,183 - Hello, Frank. 450 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,894 I think you know where I am. 451 00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,586 I just happened to run into your mom 452 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,022 at a T.J. Maxx in queens, 453 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,733 and we came back here for some cannoli and red wine. 454 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,319 She's a lovely woman. 455 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,905 I'll be leaving soon. I'm a gentleman... 456 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,197 As is Danny. 457 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,658 - Hey, Frank. 458 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,451 Your mom's a hugger. 459 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,786 - Don't push me, Frank. 460 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,872 You won't enjoy the next tape. Your mom might, though. 461 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,501 And I believe Toofer and Lutz also have mothers. 462 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,712 Do we understand each other? 463 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,214 - Pranksmen... 464 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,925 Stand down. 465 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,552 - You wanted to see me? 466 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,096 - Lemon, have you seen the today show this morning? 467 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,015 - Why? Floyd showed up, right? 468 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,076 - Funny you would ask that, but, yes, he showed up. 469 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,560 The problem is, he won't leave. 470 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,979 - In this hour, spring cleaning... 471 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,899 - Boring! Boring! - Floyd, come on. 472 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,736 - Hey, you guys wear so much makeup, you know that? 473 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,280 You do. - Floyd! Have you been drinking? 474 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,073 - Shut up, kit Kat! 475 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,825 Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin! 476 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:38,826 Yeah! 477 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:43,247 Right? - Oh, god. 478 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,957 - Mm. 479 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,584 Ah, false alarm! 480 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:47,876 Saved it. 481 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,002 - All right. 482 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,408 He got drunk with me last night, 483 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:51,504 but it was an accident. 484 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:52,715 And he was being a wang. 485 00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:54,484 I didn't think he would go on a bender. 486 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,188 - Lemon, you have to... - Fix this. I know. 487 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,863 - This is not... - The high road. I know. 488 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:58,929 Shut up. 489 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,058 Kaitlin, you have every right to be furious at me. 490 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,643 What I did was unconscionable. 491 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,478 And I-I didn't have a lot of time, 492 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,188 but to make it up to you, I hope 493 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,441 that you'll accept these TGS mouse pads 494 00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:14,153 and a man's wallet with the dateline logo on it. 495 00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,364 - I'm not mad, Liz. This is a relief. 496 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,574 I thought he'd gone off the wagon 'cause of me. 497 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,285 - No. Even drunk, he only had really nice things 498 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,371 to say about you and your butt. 499 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,539 - God, I don't remember any of that. 500 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,667 Did I fall down while I was with you? 501 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:32,963 'Cause my lower back is killing me. 502 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,342 - Oh, boy. Floyd, I am so sorry. 503 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,354 - No, Liz, there's a reason I quit drinking. 504 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,138 You know, I-I probably would have left me there too. 505 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,391 - I really just want you to be happy. 506 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,226 - You too, Liz Lemon. 507 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,770 - So go. 508 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:50,314 Get married. Love each other. 509 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,775 And if you go on a cruise for your honeymoon, 510 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,027 may it be free of pirates. 511 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,863 Outie 5000. 512 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,538 - Liz, look, well, maybe this is crazy, 513 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,665 but I don't have any female friends 514 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,543 because, you know, my body. 515 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:11,853 And I was just wondering... 516 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,754 - And now I have agreed to do a reading 517 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,881 from corinthians at Floyd's wedding. 518 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,969 - So instead of avoiding seeing Floyd getting married... 519 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,554 - I'm in the wedding party. 520 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:22,847 Yeah. 521 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,645 - I've had enough of both of you. 522 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:30,271 Your bad behavior stops now! 523 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,565 - Absolutely, sir. We promise. 524 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,860 - And we are never, never taking you for granted again. 525 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,155 In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank-you song. 526 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:49,248 - Thank you, Kenneth. 527 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,002 - Oh, I'll show you how to thank me. 528 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:59,258 ♪ ♪ 529 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,093 - Let's do this. 530 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,512 - Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. 531 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,599 Wake up.