1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,120 - I'd like to welcome everyone 2 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,381 to this NBC employee town hall meeting. 3 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,913 And thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules. 4 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,136 - Yeah, I'm supposed to be drinking a soda right now. 5 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,473 - A special thanks to those joining us via simulcast, 6 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,605 particularly you gentlemen in the Tokyo office. 7 00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:17,434 I know it's late there. 8 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,771 I don't know why you're wearing girls' pajamas, 9 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,273 but I'm sure it's cultural. 10 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,685 I'm here to address concerns regarding the acquisition 11 00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:28,946 of our company by Kabletown. 12 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,572 With a k. 13 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,200 This is an exciting time for NBC. 14 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,327 Not Seinfeld, friends, E.R. exciting. 15 00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:38,163 More like 3D episodes of Merlin exciting. 16 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,082 But I believe this is a great opportunity 17 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,793 for all of us because Kabletown is a great company. 18 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,379 Even if it is from... 19 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:46,671 Philadelphia. 20 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,215 - Go eagles! 21 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:51,301 - How did you even get a snowball? 22 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,273 - Philly rules! Cheesesteaks! Bobby Clarke! 23 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,472 Will Smith! Your town sucks. 24 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:56,866 - You do not want this argument, Lemon. 25 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,725 Boston is the greatest city in the world. 26 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,185 - Boo. - Boston tea party. 27 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,646 Boston cream pie. Boston Rob Mariano. 28 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,731 Birthplace of Benjamin Franklin. 29 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,984 - Yeah, then he looked around, realized it sucked, 30 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,694 and moved to Philadelphia! 31 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,405 Oh, did you just whip a battery at me? 32 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,758 - Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry, can we get back to the meeting? 33 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,742 - Of course. My apologies to our friends 34 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,620 From the great city of Los Angeles. 35 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,041 - Hey. Stop laughing. L.A. rules. 36 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:26,295 Michael bay, freeways, Legoland. 37 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,689 - Before I take your questions, 38 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,631 I'd like to say a few words about Don Geiss. 39 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,175 The world has lost a giant. 40 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:33,051 He built G.E. 41 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,720 Into the greatest company on earth, 42 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,656 and the earth into one of the top three planets 43 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,680 in the universe. 44 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,350 For those of you wishing to pay your respects, 45 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,853 there will be an episcopal cryogenic freezing service 46 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,689 open to all Six Sigma black belts and higher. 47 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,581 - That's the craziest thing I ever heard. 48 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:48,775 Episcopal! 49 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,695 - Now the floor is open to questions. 50 00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,365 - I would be remiss if I didn't honor our fallen leader 51 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,409 with a song. 52 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:58,781 This is for you, Dan goose. 53 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:05,959 ♪ Amazing ♪ 54 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,420 ♪ gra... ♪ 55 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:19,673 ♪ ♪ 56 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,274 - So how was your second date with Wesley? 57 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,406 - Ah, well, you know that scene in notting hill 58 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,487 where they have the romantic date in the garden? 59 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,715 Well, I would have rather watched that terrible movie 60 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,449 five times than have hung out with Wesley. 61 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,061 - So he's not your future husband? 62 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,535 - He's not my future anything. 63 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,412 - You gave it a shot. Good riddance. 64 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,944 - Nope. I'm seeing him tonight. 65 00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:44,706 - You are? Why? 66 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,167 - Well, this morning I was buying an advanced ticket 67 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:48,659 for the Truffaut retrospective 68 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,837 at the anthology film archives... 69 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,923 One for the 8:00 hot tub time machine. 70 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:54,215 - Liz? 71 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,968 Are we both seeing hot tub time machine tonight? 72 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,845 - How does this keep happening? 73 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,515 - If there is a god, Liz, I think that she... 74 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:02,807 - Ugh. 75 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:04,338 - Is trying to tell us something. 76 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,601 - It's like the universe keeps pushing us together. 77 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,021 We can't shake each other. 78 00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,633 - I had a thing where I kept running in to Michael Douglas. 79 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,460 But then I realized it was just some old lady 80 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,484 who lives in my building. 81 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:16,738 - Lemon. A moment. 82 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,449 We have a Tracy problem. 83 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,118 - Okay. Escaped exotic animal 84 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,845 or did he swallow another firecracker? 85 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,912 - I wish. 86 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,748 Our old nanny wrote a tell-all book about me. 87 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,040 - Oh, no. - It's bad. 88 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,752 I just got the call from a friend at little Brown. 89 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,044 - The publishing house? 90 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,338 - No, the premier talent agency 91 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,549 for black dwarves. 92 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,985 - Tracy, we need to start doing damage control on this. 93 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:38,468 What does she reveal in the book? 94 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,180 - Everything. My addiction to prescription glasses. 95 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,308 The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor... 96 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,102 Jack, your shoes are shiny. 97 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,604 And worst of all, she revealed the fact 98 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,481 that I've never cheated on my wife. 99 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,191 - Okay, well, that's not true. 100 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,067 - Actually it is true. 101 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,486 Tracy shared that with me last year. 102 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,196 - What? What about the strip clubs 103 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,031 and the disgusting stories? 104 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,410 Your Ben & Jerry's flavor is called adulteraisin. 105 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,746 - That's all for show. 106 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,497 I love my wife and only her. 107 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,666 - Okay, and how is that a bad thing? 108 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,335 - My wild and sexually adventurous image 109 00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:15,505 is how I make my money, Liz Lemon. 110 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,567 I start losing my endorsements, Angie's gonna be madder 111 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,176 than a bat in a suitcase. 112 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,470 Uh-oh. Which reminds me. 113 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,306 Gordon. Gordon. 114 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,142 Gordon! - Oh! 115 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,495 I'm sorry. You have a problem 116 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,730 with the science of hot tub time machine? 117 00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,774 - Not the time travel. It's the hot tub. 118 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,359 You don't just turn one on, and it's immediately hot. 119 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,904 I should know. I've been in a hot tub two times. 120 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,281 - Well, I don't question everything. 121 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,009 - Except for the snacks I got for us. 122 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,410 - Yeah. Seltzer and Mike and ikes. 123 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,244 - What did you want? Popcorn? 124 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,080 - Yes. - Popcorn? At the cinema? 125 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,166 And, by the way, your food obsession 126 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,167 is not as endearing as you think it is. 127 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,170 It's like being in a ca thy cartoon 128 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:56,797 that just won't end. 129 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,648 - Oh, my god, I want to smash your face. 130 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,720 - I don't think we were meant to be together. 131 00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:06,640 - So why are you in my phone as future husband 132 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,184 and why am in in yours as future wife? 133 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,556 - I guess we'll never know. 134 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,772 At least we'll always have Dr. Kaplan's recovery room. 135 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,690 It was our Paris. 136 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,443 - Too bad we can't go back there. 137 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,157 - Look at all these books, sir. 138 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:25,569 Feel like I'm back at school 139 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,577 learning about the dangers of book reading. 140 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,955 - This is all research on Kabletown. 141 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,647 I'm trying to learn everything I can 142 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:32,582 about our future owners. 143 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:37,212 G.E. gave me the finest education known to man. 144 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,965 I learned how to develop new products, 145 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:41,297 innovate new technologies. 146 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,468 We brought good things to life 147 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,387 and bad things to Chinese rivers. 148 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,430 - G.E. is a great company, 149 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,767 second only to the company of great friends. 150 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,811 - I thought I would work at G.E. forever. 151 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,943 But my future opportunities at the company died 152 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,628 with Don Geiss, I have to accept that 153 00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,317 and move on to this exciting new challenge. 154 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,611 - A friend of mine has been worried 155 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,447 they'll be bringing in new page rules. 156 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,909 Like age limits and age verification. 157 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,328 - Truth be told, I haven't learned a lot 158 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:11,204 about Kabletown. 159 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,124 It's a whole different business model. 160 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,960 - My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. 161 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,212 She holds up staplers in catalogues. 162 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,440 - But later today, I'm meeting with an old colleague 163 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,092 who left G.E. for Kabletown five years ago. 164 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,761 I'm going to pick his brain and learn how Kabletown works, 165 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,264 so I can prove that I am the man 166 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,558 with the ambition, the talent, 167 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:35,103 and the looking-at-my-watch skills to run this company. 168 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:39,274 Terrific, sir! 169 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,984 - So all we need you to do 170 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,986 is to put us under anesthesia again. 171 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:44,297 Wesley brought his video camera. 172 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:45,721 - In england, we call it a film pod. 173 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:46,656 - No. 174 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,075 And that way, afterward, we can watch the tape 175 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,553 and figure out what our connection was. 176 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,817 - Would you ask a cardiologist to do something like this? 177 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,080 I am a real doctor. 178 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,707 - Yeah, but a cardiologist is... 179 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,268 - I know what a cardiologist is. 180 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,645 My brother is a cardiologist, and I'm just as good as he is. 181 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:00,712 We drive the same car. 182 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,839 So what if his wife is more attractive? 183 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,091 - But Dr. Kaplan, this is for love. 184 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,344 It's like that brilliant film, uh, notting hill. 185 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:10,221 I'm British and charming, and she's... 186 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:12,974 Got certain angles that work for her. 187 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,727 - Really? You think you found "the one" 188 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,187 in my recovery room. 189 00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:20,649 Let me show you what happens in there. 190 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,277 - We are gonna hang out so much after this. 191 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,738 - I want to take you to the big apple circus 192 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,658 'cause we're best friends. 193 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,539 - I don't think there was any connection. 194 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,042 - It was just the anesthesia. 195 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,544 - Well, Liz, I wish you all the best. 196 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,297 But future wife deleted. 197 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:45,840 - It's a good idea. 198 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:49,260 - And if my heart surgeon brother is so great, 199 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,232 how come so many of his patients have died, 200 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,474 but I've only killed one guy, huh? 201 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,234 - Say it ain't so, tray. 202 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,528 What about the Seattle seahawks cheerleader? 203 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,446 That one kind of thick rockette? 204 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:09,197 That blind woman 205 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,491 in the business class bathroom on the Acela? 206 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:12,826 Were those all lies too? 207 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,744 - But, Frank, I still party. 208 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,329 I'm still terrible at my job. 209 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:20,125 - I looked up to you. Now I hate you. 210 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,462 - Tracy, I know what you're going through. 211 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:25,463 I got a lot of flak 212 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,549 after I ate the pig that played babe. 213 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,481 I learned you have to go on the offensive. 214 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:30,927 Start denying this stuff. 215 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:32,219 - I did, J-Mo. 216 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,472 I held a press conference this morning. 217 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:37,851 I'm here to announce that I'm leaving show business 218 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,562 to spend more time with my stripper. 219 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,356 But it's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona. 220 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,066 Nobody's buying it. 221 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,585 - Well, we lost another one, tray. 222 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,169 I just got off the phone with the people 223 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,404 from horny goat weed. 224 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:50,405 They're dropping you as their spokesman. 225 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,949 - But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride 226 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,827 on their Cinco de Mayo float. 227 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,414 - Yet another black superstar 228 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,583 taken down by his personal life. 229 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,587 - Just like my favorite golfer OJ Simpson. 230 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:07,380 Remember how you tricked the owner 231 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,215 of that toaster company into thinking 232 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,176 you were his dead son? 233 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,261 And he sold you the factory for $1. 234 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,346 You are an animal. 235 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,265 Dave "the animal" hess. 236 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,975 - I was only as good as my mentor, 237 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,561 the man who taught me how to bait the enemy, 238 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,398 Jack "the master baiter" Donaghy. 239 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,275 - So, Dave, tell me all about Kabletown. 240 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,195 What's their business strategy, revenue streams? 241 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,630 Do they have a preferred side of the head 242 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,299 for parting your hair, because I've been continental 243 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,116 for years, but I'm willing to go western. 244 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,494 - Whoa, relax, buddy. Your job is secure. 245 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,180 - I just want to understand the operation 246 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,663 so I can contribute right away. 247 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,183 - Well, that's the beauty of it, Jack. 248 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,501 You don't have to. The cable's already laid... 249 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,873 - I don't understand. There's always room for growth, 250 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,728 for innovation. - No, there really isn't. 251 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:49,380 It's brilliant. 252 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,674 And this is the goose 253 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,134 that lays the golden eggs... 254 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,804 Channels 500 through 600. 255 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,723 - Oh, good god. Ass-a tar. 256 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,142 The lovely boners. The hind side. 257 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,479 Fresh-ass. ff' based on the novel "tush" by assfire. 258 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,148 It's all pay-per-view porn. 259 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,709 - Do you know how much of our profit 260 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,360 comes from men ordering adult movies? 261 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,695 91 %. 262 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,027 They churn this stuff out, 263 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,323 people at home push a button, 264 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,950 and we make money off it. 265 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,369 We don't do anything. 266 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,941 - Then what do you want with NBC? 267 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,121 Why do you even want me? 268 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:25,375 - Well, buying NBC counts as a charitable donation 269 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:26,709 for tax purposes. 270 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:27,710 And as for you, 271 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,754 you're the classic American executive. 272 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,673 You will look great 273 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,759 standing behind our CEO at press conferences. 274 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:35,677 - You are kidding me. 275 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,289 I went to Harvard business school. 276 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,305 I'm the reason the microwave tray rotates. 277 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:40,765 - Jack. - I make things. 278 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,497 I build companies, innovate products. 279 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,853 - Don't fight it, Jack. 280 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,230 It's the perfect business. 281 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,691 The war is over, and we won. 282 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,365 - "And Alexander wept 283 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:01,327 for there were no more worlds to conquer." 284 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,330 Hans Gruber, die hard. 285 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,291 - Hey, I know you're off-duty, 286 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,102 but is there any chance you would take me 287 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,126 to the upper West Side? 288 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,796 Okay. Oh, good catch. 289 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,465 Thank you so much. 290 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,218 Ow. 291 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,310 - Bloody hell! 292 00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,187 - No, no, no, not again. 293 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:30,273 That's not him, is it? 294 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,026 Okay. That was almost... 295 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,320 - gangway for footcycle! 296 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:42,410 - Come on! I said gangway for the... 297 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,870 You witch! 298 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,372 - No, no, I am walking away. 299 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,958 - Wait, Liz, wait. Look, I wasn't even supposed 300 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,530 to ride my footcycle home today. 301 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,669 - Stop calling it that. 302 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,761 - Yeah, fine, my velocipede, but I did ride it 303 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,966 because the universe wanted me to run into you again. 304 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,968 And I finally think I know why. 305 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,678 - Commencing eye-roll sequence. 306 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,765 - The universe wants us to settle for one another. 307 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,308 Well, there has to be a reason 308 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,267 this keeps happening to us, Liz. 309 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,145 I think fate is telling us 310 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,748 this is the best we're ever gonna get. 311 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,941 We're each other's settling soul mates. 312 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,693 - Settling soul mates? That is grim. 313 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,487 And I've played monopoly alone. 314 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:18,988 - Well, I know it's not ideal, 315 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,280 but we'd both benefit. 316 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,245 I mean, I could open jars and kill bugs for you, 317 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,036 and you could make me look less gay at work functions. 318 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,808 - Look, I happen to believe in roma... 319 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,290 - don't even say romantic love. 320 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,518 How many couples do you know that are actually in love, 321 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,170 that don't completely annoy one another? 322 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,462 - Okay, what about them? 323 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,732 - You wouldn't be complaining 324 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,174 if you wore the shoes I bought you. 325 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,343 - You're an old bitch. 326 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,973 - Why fight this? Grow old with me, Liz? 327 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,767 In separate bedrooms? - No way. 328 00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,227 Have a nice life. 329 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,519 - Think about it, Liz. 330 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,605 It's what the universe wants. 331 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:53,564 You'd have someone to tell you 332 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,608 when you're about to step in something. 333 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,194 - Ah, nerds! 334 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,494 - Okay, mentor time. I need a pep talk. 335 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,038 - Lemon, I'm not in the mood to solve your lady problems 336 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,291 or listen to a story about whatever escapee 337 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,960 from the island of misfit toys you're currently dating. 338 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:16,462 - No, this is a Liz relationship emergency. 339 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:17,839 It's a Liz-aster. 340 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,302 Okay, Lemon. What is it? 341 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,596 Okay. Ever since I was little... 342 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:28,141 - No, faster than that. - My whole adult life... 343 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,892 - No! - Oprah says... 344 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:33,146 - You have ten seconds. - Okay, this guy Wesley 345 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:34,558 thinks we should get married 346 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,442 because it's time for us to settle. 347 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:41,112 Now that's completely and totally wrong because... 348 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,404 - Is it? 349 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:43,613 Maybe you should settle. 350 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,326 Everybody settles. - What? 351 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:47,617 - Look at me. 352 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,464 At one point, my obituary was going to read, 353 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,749 "CEO of G.E. dies violently in a casino orgy." 354 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,500 Now what's it going to say? 355 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,210 "Middle Manager of a Philadelphia 356 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,212 pornography distributor never wakes up"? 357 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,840 - What are you talking about? - Kabletown. 358 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:02,508 It's a mousetrap company. 359 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,761 And you cannot build a better mousetrap. 360 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,096 - Wait... Kabletown makes mousetraps? 361 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,307 - Kabletown doesn't make anything. 362 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,225 Maybe it is the perfect business. 363 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:14,896 A perpetual motion machine endlessly satisfying 364 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,981 every human need. 365 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,033 Soon you won't even have to leave your house. 366 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,232 - That sounds pretty good. 367 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:21,485 - They don't need ideas, 368 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,945 they don't need innovation. 369 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:26,366 In other words, they don't need me. 370 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,361 - Wait, where are you going? 371 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,595 - I'm going to Bury Don Geiss, 372 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,747 america, and hope. 373 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,290 Hey. 374 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,417 I saw some women came forward to say 375 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:37,853 you didn't have sex with them. 376 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,503 - It's gotten worse. 377 00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:40,380 Somebody leaked my voicemails. 378 00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:43,091 Hey, baby, it's your husband. 379 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,801 So I'm at bed bath & beyond, 380 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:45,718 and I can't remember, 381 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,055 did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings? 382 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,557 Oh, you're calling me on the other line. 383 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:54,060 I can't wait to talk to you. I love you. 384 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,229 - How does Angie feel about this? Is she mad? 385 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:58,272 - She says I better have an affair and quick 386 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,191 before it tears our family apart. 387 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:01,523 - I wish I could help you, 388 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,236 but I can't sleep with a black guy. 389 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,154 I'd lose my endorsement deal with Nascar. 390 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,446 - That's the problem. 391 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:08,175 Who's desperate enough to have sex with me 392 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:09,659 at this point? - Come on. 393 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,327 You're still Tracy Jordan. 394 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,287 There's got to be some skank around here 395 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,099 who's made it very clear she wants you. 396 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,749 Go save your career 397 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,044 and give her the thrill of a lifetime. 398 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:23,965 - Hello, Elizabeth. 399 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,577 May I offer you a succulent fruit? 400 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,302 - What? No. Why are you in here? 401 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,141 - Let me do a dance for you, my lover. 402 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,775 No. No, this is wrong. 403 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,527 I can't have sex with you, Liz Lemon. 404 00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,612 I love Angie too much. 405 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:47,572 - Wow. Okay. 406 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,241 That was not gonna happen for many reasons 407 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,635 besides you loving your wife. 408 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,244 Reason one: I am conscious. 409 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,246 Reason two: You smell like icy hot. 410 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,205 Reason three... - I'm sorry, L.L. 411 00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,708 I know how much you wanted this to happen. 412 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,293 I'm disappointed in me too. 413 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,088 If I can't have an affair, Tracy Jordan is finished. 414 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,174 - Stop it. Just embrace the fact 415 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,051 that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. 416 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,761 I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. 417 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,763 You've got stability, a great marriage, 418 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,055 devoted kids. 419 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,307 You know what I have? 420 00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,198 A sims family that keeps getting murdered. 421 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,146 So quit whining and be grateful. 422 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,398 - I am lucky. Thanks, Liz Lemon. 423 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,192 - You're welcome, tray. 424 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,644 - Hey, you know what, one day you will have what I have 425 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:30,490 because you're an amazing, strong, and intelligent woman 426 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,949 like hilary... 427 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:33,401 From fresh prince of bel-air. 428 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,746 - Thank you. That's a very good pep talk. 429 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,416 Ugh! - I'm sorry. 430 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,044 I was still riding the vibe from earlier. 431 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:54,347 ♪ ♪ 432 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:58,267 - Welcome, all, to the memorial service/freezing 433 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,144 for Donald H. Geiss. 434 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:04,232 You were the last of a dying breed, sir. 435 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,604 I'll never forget the first thing he ever said to me. 436 00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:10,279 "These are all hookers. Pick one." 437 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:14,367 Then after we picked our hookers and the plane took off, 438 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,452 he told me his business philosophy. 439 00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:20,414 There's always an untapped market. 440 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,167 Don was the one who realized there was a whole segment 441 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:27,171 of consumers not buying light bulbs. 442 00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,463 The asleep. 443 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,926 That realization led him to develop the nightlight 444 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,637 and the marketing campaign aimed at making children 445 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:38,432 afraid of the dark... A monster under every bed. 446 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,061 Don said that no business is ever done evolving. 447 00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,939 But there are always opportunities for innovation, 448 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:49,110 that you can always... 449 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,321 You can always find new customers. 450 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,448 I'm sorry. 451 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,451 But I just had an amazing business idea. 452 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,743 You'll have to excuse me. 453 00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:14,260 ♪ ♪ 454 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,681 I know it's not my place yet to call a meeting 455 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,058 of Kabletown senior vice presidents, 456 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,185 but I have something I need to share with you. 457 00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,357 Gentlemen, there is a giant segment of consumers 458 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,566 who are not buying our most lucrative product. 459 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:33,070 Three words: Porn for women. 460 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,823 - Jack, women hate porn 461 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,534 almost as much as men hate going to outlet malls. 462 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,495 - Yes, women hate porn. Our porn. 463 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,790 But women do have one insatiable need. 464 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,667 To jabber. 465 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,437 And it doesn't matter if you have a headache, 466 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,837 or you're not in the mood, 467 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,889 or you're about to go to Don Geiss's funeral, 468 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,400 they barge right into your office 469 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:54,735 and start complaining about a boyfriend 470 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:55,759 or a coworker. 471 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,529 And you're supposed to sit there and nod 472 00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,220 and tell them they're right. 473 00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:00,574 And the more you give it to them, the more they want it. 474 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,798 - I'll tell you, sometimes my wife will be blathering on 475 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,518 about something, and I'll think, 476 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,228 I'm more than just a pair of ears. 477 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,647 You know, I'm a person 478 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,607 who thinks about sex every seven seconds. 479 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:10,941 - Exactly. 480 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,993 - So what if women had a pay-per-view channel 481 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:16,072 featuring handsome men patiently listening to them? 482 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:19,742 What if they had... Porn for women? 483 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:23,537 - Okay, but where does that content come from? 484 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,498 - From us. We make it. 485 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,667 - Jack. We don't make... 486 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,398 - Hear me out. Yes, I'm talking about 487 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,337 doubling pay-per-view profits 488 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,749 while cutting out the middle man, but I'm also talking 489 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,384 about American businessmen doing what they were born to do... 490 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,010 Make things. 491 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:39,553 We've stopped making 492 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,165 and become a country of consumers. 493 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:44,975 Well, I, for one, am done consuming. 494 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,311 And I'm ready to make. 495 00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,491 - Liz? I don't believe it. 496 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:01,826 - Hello, Wesley. 497 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,887 - Don't you see this is just gonna keep happening? 498 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,071 You can't fight the universe. 499 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:06,527 - No, this isn't a coincidence. 500 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,900 I wanted to see you, and I figured 501 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:11,001 you wouldn't miss a tasting of the white wines of Scotland. 502 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,853 - Most restaurants refuse to serve them. 503 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,023 - Oh, yeah, you've only told me that, like, nine times. 504 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,817 - So does this mean you've come to your senses? 505 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,093 Are you ready to settle and become Mrs. Snipes? 506 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,721 - No. I wanted to tell you to your face 507 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,281 that I know that I can do better than you. 508 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:25,141 And I am never gonna be Mrs. Snipes. 509 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,059 Hang on, is your name Wesley snipes? 510 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:29,186 That is insane! - No, it's insane 511 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,397 that the actor Wesley snipes has that name. 512 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:33,691 If you saw a picture of him and a picture of me, 513 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,236 and you were asked, "who should be named Wesley snipes?" 514 00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,168 You'd pick the pale englishman every time. 515 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,906 Every time, Liz. 516 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,718 Frankly, you should be having this conversation with him. 517 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:46,162 - Yeah. I'm gonna go do that. 518 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,164 - I give you two months before you give up 519 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,124 and decide to settle! 520 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,416 I'll see you in may! 521 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,002 For sweeps! 522 00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:55,134 That's what we call spring cleaning in england. 523 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,890 - Hello there. - Well, hello. 524 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:08,768 - How was your day? Do you need to talk? 525 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:11,687 'Cause I'll just listen patiently and say things like, 526 00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:15,232 "uh-huh," "how annoying," 527 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,985 "she's clearly jealous of you," 528 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,070 and "well, it's his loss." 529 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:23,991 You're a great woman. You deserve a great man. 530 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,659 For just $24.95 an hour. 531 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,287 - Yes, please. 532 00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:31,957 - It's the yellow button, sweetie.