1 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,397 - Hey, Liz, my daughter's selling Valentine cookies 2 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:04,880 for a school fundraiser. 3 00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:06,252 - Valentine's day is a sham 4 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,592 created by card companies to reinforce and exploit 5 00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:09,884 gender stereotypes. 6 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:11,927 - Evelyn, this is the lady I was telling you about. 7 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,599 - I like Valentine's day. Tommy Reticker gave me a card. 8 00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,727 - Ha. Learn from my sexual misadventures, Evelyn. 9 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,020 Last Valentine's day, 10 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,772 I watched my boyfriend Drew's 11 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:24,066 mother/grandmother die. 12 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,318 I met Floyd on Valentine's day, 13 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,570 but he left me for the city of Cleveland. 14 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:29,862 And forget about Dennis! 15 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,591 That pervert would always just try to get me drunk... 16 00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:32,783 - all right, so zero cookies. 17 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,368 - No, I'll buy some cookies. 18 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,370 But not for Valentine's day. 19 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,830 Instead, these cookies celebrate 20 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,749 the February 14th birthday 21 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:44,044 of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette. 22 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,505 Happy Anna Howard Shaw day to you, Evelyn. 23 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:47,797 - Come on. 24 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,801 - A happy Anna Howard Shaw day to us all! 25 00:00:54,137 --> 00:01:01,979 ♪ ♪ 26 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:12,512 - Lemon, which one of these ties do you find more attractive? 27 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,367 - The red, definitely. - Thank you. 28 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,011 I've got to look camera ready tonight. 29 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,096 I'm being interviewed on cnbc. 30 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:18,662 Have you ever watched 31 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,956 the hotbox with Avery Jessup? 32 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:22,541 - No, cnbc gives me a headache. 33 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:25,043 I get all my money advice from PBS. 34 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,535 - Where should I put my money: 35 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,089 In tech stocks or the housing market? 36 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:33,802 - Tech stocks, foxy moneybags, tech stocks! 37 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,763 - Sir, your reservations are all set for Valentine's day. 38 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,099 And just to be clear, are you and I exchanging... 39 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,351 - no. 40 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:42,829 - Why do you have Valentine's plans? 41 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:43,853 What about Nancy? 42 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:46,481 - Nancy knows that I'm here when she's ready. 43 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,650 But after what we went through, our marriage, 44 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,277 the way that it ended between us, 45 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,613 it was, uh, very intense. 46 00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:54,591 - Like when you think there's one more stair, 47 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,615 but there isn't. 48 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,176 And all of the sudden, you're, like, "whoa!" 49 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:57,909 - Exactly. 50 00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,245 So for now, I just want something fun and easy. 51 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,914 Frankly, I could use a win. - A win? 52 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,750 What's with the euphemisms, Jack? 53 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,502 Why don't you just say you want some... 54 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,589 - Is that sex, Lemon? - Is the way I do it. 55 00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:12,758 So who's the lucky lady? - I'm not sure yet. 56 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,690 I have three dates set up across the city, 57 00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:15,903 and I hope one of them works out. 58 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,929 - How are you gonna handle three different dates? 59 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,657 - Well, I have a system for first dates. 60 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,034 At the appointed time, Jonathan calls me 61 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,452 and tells me that I have a conference call 62 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,602 with the Geneva office. 63 00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,705 If I don't like the woman, I have an excuse to leave. 64 00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:27,522 If I do like her, I loudly tell Jonathan 65 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,083 that I'm doing something more important. 66 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,400 The woman is suitably impressed. 67 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,778 And I'm guaranteed to see some underwear. 68 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,739 Perhaps a, uh, bra with a front clasp. 69 00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,031 - What? 70 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,409 - What are your plans for Valentine's day, Lemon? 71 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,120 - I am taking myself out of the equation entirely. 72 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:45,165 I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. 73 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,177 I will spend half the day in twilight sleep. 74 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:50,379 Then I will go home and watch the lifetime original movie 75 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,798 my stepson is my cyber-husband. 76 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,466 - Wow. That is inspired. 77 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:57,719 You are truly the Picasso of loneliness. 78 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:02,516 - Or I am that painting elephant of being awesome. 79 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:08,730 - Oh, Kenneth, have any packages come for me today? 80 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,023 - No, miss Maroney. 81 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,715 - Well, that doesn't make any sense. 82 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,423 Valentine's day is always a huge deal 83 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,820 for Maynard Roger Hoynes. 84 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,446 That's my stalker. 85 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:17,738 - You have a stalker? 86 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,743 - It's a real problem in the celebrity community. 87 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:22,494 But if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, 88 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,454 I'd stop trying to break into her house. 89 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,748 - So if you haven't heard from him, 90 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,208 isn't that a good thing? 91 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,752 - Kenneth, the celebrity- stalker relationship 92 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,254 is very special. 93 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:33,880 Maynard's debilitating devotion 94 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,341 validates how wonderful I am. 95 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,473 But what does it say about me if he's moved on? 96 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:42,472 Maybe to one of my peers like Julia Roberts. 97 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,560 - I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation, 98 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,687 miss Maroney. 99 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,775 - Hey. 100 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,361 Has anybody heard about any cool new sex positions? 101 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,238 My girlfriend's visiting for Valentine's 102 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,824 and I want to keep things caliente. 103 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:01,658 - Oh, my god, Lutz. 104 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,952 Are you still pretending Karen exists? 105 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,370 - She's real. 106 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:06,973 Would a fake woman have a personal web site 107 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,708 at jdlutz. Com/karen/proof? 108 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,334 - Oh, good grief. 109 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,670 My cousin set me up on a blind date for Valentine's, 110 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:17,507 and I just found out the girl is... Well... 111 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:18,799 Urban. 112 00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,002 - Are you saying she's black? 113 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,738 - I don't know how to get out of this. 114 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:22,929 - Dude, come out with me. 115 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,824 You know that load with the messed-up teeth 116 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:25,557 who cleans the urinals? 117 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:26,889 She'll only go out with me 118 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,213 if she can bring her ugly sister. 119 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,853 - Wow, I can't believe you guys 120 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,314 are letting Valentine's day win. 121 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,150 Not me. One word. Oral. 122 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,195 Two words. Oral surgery. 123 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,655 I'm having oral surgery and skipping Valentine's day. 124 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:41,947 Doctor's orders. 125 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,409 - Oh, that reminds me, Dr. Kaplan's office called. 126 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,012 They want to know who's picking you up 127 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,036 after your procedure. 128 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,514 - What? - Yeah. It's an insurance thing. 129 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,738 Any time they have anesthesia, 130 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,850 someone needs to bring you home. 131 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,167 - Hey, that stuff messes you up. 132 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,699 When I had my wisdom teeth out, 133 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,796 I tried to get in the bath with my mom. 134 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,840 - Okay, is there any chance that you could take me home? 135 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,132 - Sorry. 136 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,612 Every year, Paula and I rent this big suite up at niagara. 137 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,345 And then she takes the kids there 138 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,680 and I stay home and get wasted in my garage. 139 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,558 It's what keeps the magic alive. 140 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:09,434 - Welcome back. 141 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,812 I'm here with Sheinhardt- universal vice president 142 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,271 Jack Donaghy. 143 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:14,957 Thanks for sitting in the hot box, Jack. 144 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:15,981 - My pleasure, Avery. 145 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,609 - Also joining me, Walter Stein, 146 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,362 whose bow tie tells us he works for some liberal think tank. 147 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,839 - And the food in his beard tells us 148 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:22,489 that he purchased a snack pack 149 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:23,800 on the train from new haven. 150 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,575 - Ooh, that's got to hurt, Walter. 151 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,619 - Let's get to the countdown. First topic. 152 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,830 Prime minister Wen wants a weak yuan. Do we? 153 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,081 - China needs to transition to a spending economy. 154 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,768 - After Dubai, what's the next credit crisis? 155 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,894 - The Baltics or women's tennis. 156 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,336 - Do we need a second bailout? 157 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:37,897 - Absolutely... not. - I love it. 158 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,339 Try to get in there, beta dog. 159 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:40,631 - I am trying. - On three. 160 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,610 Who will be the next president of these United States? 161 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:43,343 Three. 162 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,804 - Both: Mitt Romney's oldest son Jezba. 163 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,896 - Dennis Kucinich. - Okay, that's sad, Walter. 164 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,683 Just sad. Jack, back to you. 165 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,077 Who's number one on your speed dial? 166 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,912 BlackBerry, Warren buffett. IPhone, Jimmy buffett. 167 00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:53,645 - Favorite movie. - Tie. 168 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,272 The fountainhead or uncle buck. 169 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:56,958 - My wife and I just saw the yellow handkerchief. 170 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,483 - Just sit a couple out, Stein. God. 171 00:05:58,775 --> 00:05:59,919 All right, karaoke. Go to Jack. Hit me. 172 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,462 - Nitty gritty dirt band. - Oh, I rock the brothers. 173 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,863 Hey, let's grab a drink after this. 174 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,364 - You read my mind. 175 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,883 - We'll be right back after this ad 176 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,409 aimed at the elderly. 177 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,536 One second. 178 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:13,373 - Hey, tray, 179 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,584 I really need a ride home from the doctors 180 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:16,543 on Valentine's day. 181 00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:17,836 - Can't do it, li-Lem. 182 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,713 On Valentine's day, 183 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,566 Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub 184 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,716 and cook chili in it. 185 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,151 Then we take it to a soup kitchen 186 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,637 and that's where it starts to get sexy 187 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,390 - hey, Jenna, please tell me 188 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:31,391 you haven't already concocted 189 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,963 your usual Valentine's day drama. 190 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,436 - Can't talk, Liz. 191 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,789 I just got my stalker's work address from his parole officer. 192 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:41,526 And I'm gonna confront him about why he's ignoring me. 193 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,613 - Hey, Kenneth. Are you free on Valentine's? 194 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,923 - No, miss Lemon. I'm sorry. 195 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,867 I will be attending an all-day abstinence rally. 196 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,410 You're welcome to come. 197 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:51,411 I think I've got an extra 198 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,539 gender-neutralizing hood. 199 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,876 - No. Thanks. God. - Hey, Liz! 200 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,754 - Hey. - The answer's no. 201 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,683 - Hello, Maynard. 202 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,686 - Jenna, you shouldn't have come here. 203 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:18,298 - Well, what was I supposed to do? 204 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,606 It's almost Valentine's day 205 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,167 and I haven't heard anything from you. 206 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,109 Has the dog who gives you your orders died? 207 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:26,237 - No. Brandon's fine. Jenna, we need to talk. 208 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:27,840 I don't think I can stalk you anymore. 209 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,575 - No. You don't mean that. 210 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,867 - Look, I have a new therapist, I'm taking my meds. 211 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,156 I can't even see electricity 212 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,564 shooting out of your head any more. 213 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:36,891 - Well, is there someone else? 214 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,292 It's one of those kids from glee, isn't it? 215 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,127 - Jenna, please, don't make a scene. 216 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:44,297 - I always knew this would end someday. 217 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:46,025 I just thought it would be with me in the trunk 218 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:49,260 of a rental car. 219 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,996 - So, uh, where did you go to school? 220 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,271 Choate, then Yale, 221 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,666 then two years in Africa with the Peace Corp. 222 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,130 - The Peace Corps. That's surprising. 223 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,568 - Oh, no, the Peace Corp. 224 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,278 Lawrence peace's corporation. 225 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,114 We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats. 226 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,615 - Oh, of course. 227 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,368 I learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for ge medical. 228 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,621 Uh, we're going to test poisons on you. 229 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,289 Oh. 230 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:22,127 So, uh, are you seeing anyone? 231 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,419 - Not for a few months. 232 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,130 You remind me of him, actually. 233 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,258 I have a thing for commanding salt and pepper types. 234 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,550 I don't know why. 235 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,472 I think it started when I walked into my parents 236 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,263 doing it the day Reagan was shot. 237 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,795 - I wouldn't over-analyze that. 238 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,018 Hello. 239 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,455 - I am calling about the made-up conference call with Geneva. 240 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:42,719 I love having secrets with you. 241 00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,661 One time, I ran over an old lady in Arizona 242 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,109 and just kept driving. 243 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,485 - Yes. Damn it. Geneva. 244 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:48,921 Well, cancel the conference call. 245 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,489 I'm doing something far more important right now. 246 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,743 And more beautiful. 247 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,912 - You're kidding, right? I mean, that's your move? 248 00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:58,830 - I-I beg your pardon. 249 00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:00,725 - It's 3:30 in the morning in Geneva, Jack. 250 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:01,916 Who's your call with? 251 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,408 The hooker working the corner outside of raiffeisenbank? 252 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,604 - Oh, well, it is February. 253 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,339 And in Switzerland, that is night business month. 254 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,592 - Okay. - All right, I'm sorry. 255 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,177 I forgot who I was dealing with. 256 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,220 Stay and just have another drink. 257 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:15,512 - Look at me, Jack. 258 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,160 Look how my body goes with this dress. 259 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:21,186 I don't need to be dealing with amateurs. 260 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,720 - Listen, Frank, I really need a ride home from the doctor 261 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:27,816 on Valentine's day. 262 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:28,485 Are you free? 263 00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,361 - No. That cleaning lady finally agreed 264 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,653 to go out with me. 265 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,198 We're gonna pick up some pierogies 266 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:34,508 and then eat them at her husband's grave. 267 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,732 You thought you were so much smarter than us, 268 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,661 didn't you? 269 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,330 But now you're in the exact same 270 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,433 crappy Valentine's day boat everyone else is in. 271 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,708 - No, I'm not. 272 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,502 I just need a ride home, not a date. 273 00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,354 They're completely different situations. 274 00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,546 - How's that? 275 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,066 All we want on Valentine's day is to know that someone cares 276 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,216 even a little about us. 277 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:55,220 Aren't you looking for the same thing? 278 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,305 In fact, yours is worse. 279 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,917 If you don't get that tooth fixed, 280 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,982 the infection will probably move to your brain 281 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,644 and kill you. 282 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,146 - Yeah, well, if I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you. 283 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,440 - Then your ghost is gonna see 284 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,609 some disgusting stuff. 285 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,116 - Lemon, look at this. It's from Avery Jessup. 286 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,676 - Oh, it's set to the wrong time. 287 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,743 - It's set to Geneva time. 288 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,395 Last night, Avery saw right through 289 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,162 my conference call move. 290 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,956 Today, she sent this. 291 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,250 "Hopefully you won't make the same mistake again, 292 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:26,542 mon sel et poivre." 293 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,254 That means "my salt and pepper" in Swiss French. 294 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:31,714 She's hitting the ball back, Lemon. Game on. 295 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,424 - Wow. Avery Jessup. She's hot. 296 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,261 She was on Maxim's "I'd rape that 100." 297 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,033 - I know. And besides being beautiful, 298 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,656 Avery is smart and doesn't suffer fools. 299 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,033 And when I eventually seduce her, 300 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,601 it's going to be... Very satisfying. 301 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,270 - Well, great. 302 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,313 I hope you enjoy your weird game 303 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:48,605 of sexy one-upsmanship. 304 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,775 Meanwhile, the male escort that I hired 305 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,277 to take me home from surgery 306 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,279 has had a chlamydia flare-up, so... 307 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,011 - uh, Lemon, I wish I could help you, 308 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,782 but I have to concentrate on Avery. 309 00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,535 Uh, I need a big next move and you have a show tonight. 310 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,163 I've invited her to be my guest at the TGS vip room. 311 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:06,291 - We don't have a vip room or vips. 312 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,208 - Get Jon Bon Jovi. 313 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,586 He's NBC's current artist in residence. 314 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:10,879 - What is that? 315 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,851 - A not stupid program that I came up with. 316 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:15,425 Bon Jovi is under contract with us for a full year 317 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,277 and scheduled to appear across a variety 318 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,429 of programming platforms. 319 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,523 - Okay, fine. I'll set it up. 320 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:31,815 Thank you. 321 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,127 Because tonight, she's going to get 322 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,191 the Jack Donaghy "a" game. 323 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,613 - Ooh. She's getting the Jack Donaghy "a" game. 324 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,698 Hope she can keep her clothes on. 325 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:42,243 - Lemon, your hair looks very nice today. 326 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,554 You should wear it like that more often. 327 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:47,707 - Oh, my. Well, I-I never, uh... 328 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,089 - Oh. Ma'am, is something wrong? 329 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:59,260 - Maynard left me. - Oh. I'm sorry. 330 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,552 - Look at this. 331 00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,347 It's the first letter he ever sent me. 332 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,474 - "Jenna, I was in your bedroom last night. 333 00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:07,268 I left a gift in your toilet. 334 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,938 You will be my bride someday." 335 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,856 Oh. 336 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,043 How can you be upset about losing a guy like this, 337 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:14,692 miss Maroney? 338 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,402 - Look, I know it's crazy. 339 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,737 Maynard is a weirdo. 340 00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,323 But that weirdo loved me unconditionally. 341 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,283 You know what I realized? 342 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,661 He's the longest relationship I've ever had. 343 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,247 Except, of course, for Doug. 344 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:28,818 - Please do not say what Doug is. 345 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,210 - Doug is my vibrator. 346 00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:35,338 This is the worst Valentine's day ever. 347 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,257 - Hello, this is Elizabeth Lemon. 348 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,967 I have surgery scheduled tomorrow. 349 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,219 And I am not embarrassed to tell you 350 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,221 that I don't have anyone to pick me up 351 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,633 and I will be leaving alone. 352 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,307 - Ma'am, you really need someone. 353 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,226 - No, I don't. I don't need anyone. 354 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:49,878 Because I can do every single thing 355 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,562 that a person in a relationship can. 356 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:55,984 Everything. Even zip up my own dress. 357 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,276 Hmm. 358 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,683 You know, there are some things 359 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,536 that are actually harder to do with two people 360 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,157 such as... Monologues. 361 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,410 - Look, if you really don't have anyone, 362 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:06,982 you can sign a liability release, 363 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,246 then you can leave alone. 364 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,331 I'll fax it to your office. - Great. 365 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,251 Thank you for looking out for a sister. 366 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,263 In a feminist way, not because you're black. 367 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,423 Although it doesn't matter because I'm black too. 368 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:21,592 No. You're gonna meet me. No, I'm not black. 369 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,312 - Thank you for setting all this up, Lemon. 370 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,123 Grizz, Dotcom, thank you for pretending 371 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,230 to be bouncers. 372 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,875 - Maybe some day we'll live in a world 373 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,659 where you ask us to pretend to be scientists. 374 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,281 - Jon. Thank you for coming. 375 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:44,615 - Oh, no problem, Jack. 376 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,051 What do you need, arena rock anthem, 377 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:46,659 power ballad? 378 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,619 - Actually, I have a date coming by. 379 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:50,681 So if you can come over at some point and say hello, 380 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,373 that would really impress her. 381 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,476 - Oh, sure. That sounds like an appropriate use 382 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,961 of my time and talent. 383 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,505 - Liz. The doctor's office faxed this to you earlier. 384 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,150 Hey, when are you going to set up that cool 385 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,174 vip lounge? 386 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,303 - Thank you, Cerie. 387 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,640 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 388 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,869 You shouldn't sign anything without reading it first. 389 00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:12,893 I made that mistake once 390 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,188 and I ended up NBC's artist in residence. 391 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,732 - Oh. Okay. 392 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,484 - Give me it. 393 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,776 I have an honorary degree from monmouth university. 394 00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:22,653 - Hmm. 395 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,322 - "I, the undersigned, 396 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,157 "henceforce known as the alone, 397 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,801 "hereby state that on February 14th, 398 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,828 I have absolutely no one in my life." 399 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,538 You're alone on Valentine's day? 400 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:33,873 - It's not about a date. 401 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:36,268 I just don't have a ride home from the doctor's office. 402 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,572 - But isn't that the same thing? 403 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,396 I mean, isn't it about having somebody out there... 404 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,500 - yeah, I get it, Bon Jovi, 405 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:43,299 it's already been explained to me. 406 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:47,512 - "I, the alone, otherwise known as Jane sadwoman, 407 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,889 "release Dr. Kaplan's office 408 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,974 of all legal responsibilities. 409 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:55,311 "Will likely die alone eaten by house cats." 410 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,323 Boy, this seems like a lot of unnecessary... 411 00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,357 - forget it. I am not signing this. 412 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,776 I reject the idea that there's some stigma 413 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,236 to being alone. 414 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:04,028 - All right, then what's the plan 415 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,520 if you don't sign the release? 416 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,380 - I'll just tell them that my "boyfriend" 417 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,658 is gonna pick me up. 418 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,552 And then after the surgery, I'll make a run for it. 419 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,096 - So you're going to invent a boyfriend 420 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,161 on Valentine's day? 421 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,666 That is the lamest thing I've heard since... This. 422 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:20,211 - I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer. 423 00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:21,503 - I wrote that. 424 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,133 - I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer. 425 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,510 - Hey, Jack, who's this lovely...? 426 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:28,886 - Excuse me, Bon Jovi, 427 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,322 I'm in the middle of a conversation here. 428 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,224 - Yeah, but you said to... - Uh, thank you. 429 00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:36,519 - I hate it here. - Wow. 430 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:37,854 That was a lot better 431 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,623 than your little conference call move. 432 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:40,982 - Can I get you a drink, Avery? 433 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,634 - Or we could just get out of here. 434 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:45,903 - Yes. We could. 435 00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,243 - Hello. Elizabeth Lemon. 436 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:52,994 - Do you have your release? 437 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,913 - No, I don't need it because my boyfriend, 438 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,623 astronaut Mike Dexter, 439 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,084 will be picking me up... 440 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,086 On his motorcycle. 441 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,255 - Mm-hmm. Take a seat. 442 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,547 - ♪ I will ♪ 443 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:11,262 ♪ remember you ♪ 444 00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:14,682 ♪ will you remember me? ♪ 445 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:18,352 - Oh. Oh. 446 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,857 Ah. 447 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:27,445 ♪ ♪ 448 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,202 ♪ ♪ 449 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,207 ♪ ♪ 450 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,834 ♪ that we had ♪ 451 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,838 ♪ ♪ 452 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:49,258 Maynard? 453 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,550 ♪ I will ♪ 454 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:55,306 ♪ remember you ♪ 455 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,266 - You know, I don't think the "Anastacia" 456 00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,102 actually "affectored" me. 457 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,794 Oh, my god. What are you doing here? 458 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,343 - We knew you'd need a ride home. 459 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,649 - What do you mean we? 460 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,567 - You can't leave without a ride, dummy. 461 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,069 - Happy Valentine's day. 462 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,112 Oh, you have some dried blood on your teeth. 463 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,030 - You're here. 464 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:12,962 You're all here because you didn't want me 465 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,115 to be alone today. 466 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,745 Oh, Floyd, I still think every day 467 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,163 about what would've happened 468 00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,290 if I had gone to Cleveland with you. 469 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,584 And even you, Dennis, 470 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,711 watching the color purple drunk with you 471 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,464 was one of the funnest nights of my life. 472 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:32,218 And Drew, so handsome. 473 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,762 So, so stupid. 474 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:38,307 Seeing all of your beautiful faces 475 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:41,185 and Dennis' Jean jacket, 476 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,812 I know that I don't need anyone, 477 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,231 but I do want to be loved. 478 00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:46,232 We all do. 479 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,192 And if it didn't work out between us, 480 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,612 it's just because I'm not finished becoming me yet. 481 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,407 But I will find love someday. 482 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,285 Because I am a sailor 483 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,537 on the sea of the human heart. 484 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,509 - Okay, this bitch is tripping her ass off. 485 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,165 - Well, what do we do with her? 486 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,584 I got a date tonight. 487 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,044 - I say we order us some pizza and lock her in here 488 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,337 for the weekend. 489 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:09,856 - I'm gonna start dialing numbers 490 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:10,464 till somebody pick up. 491 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,175 - What's that, Bon Jovi? 492 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,344 You love me too? 493 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,434 - Hey. You want to grab breakfast? 494 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,406 - You're sweet, Jack, but let's not pretend 495 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:25,187 this is anything more than it is. 496 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,647 - I'm sorry? 497 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,834 - Look, despite what happened in the shower last night, 498 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:29,567 I'm a pretty traditional girl. 499 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,236 I mean, I want a husband someday and a family 500 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:33,779 and men like you don't. 501 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,489 - "Men like me"? That isn't fair. 502 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:36,781 I want a family. 503 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,326 A son I can throw a ball to 504 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,578 and when he's older, have power struggles with. 505 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,247 - Jack, you don't have to lie to me, okay? 506 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,540 I love guys like you. 507 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,251 You're great! For one night. 508 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:48,252 - Look, Avery, I admit, this isn't 509 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,630 what I was looking for going into this weekend. 510 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,041 But you're an amazing woman. 511 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:59,972 Lemon, I c... oh. You're kidding. 512 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,808 Okay. I... I... I'll be right there. 513 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,227 Uh, I need to go. 514 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:07,521 - Jack, the phone trick again? 515 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,693 I mean, I'd be insulted if I wasn't so impressed 516 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:10,774 by your assistant. 517 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:11,900 - This isn't a trick. 518 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:14,612 I have to pick up a hallucinating employee of mine 519 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,144 from the oral surgeon's office. 520 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,518 - Well, that's at least creative. 521 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,825 - Look, cancel your walk of shame. 522 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:23,120 Come with me on a car ride of proof. 523 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,710 Oh, my god. 524 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,462 Who did this? 525 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,131 - I don't know. 526 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,968 I guess some weirdo out there loves you. 527 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:40,763 - Thank you, Kenneth. 528 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:44,308 - I don't know what you're talking about. 529 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,435 Happy Valentine's day. 530 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,325 What hotel is this? 531 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,761 - Uh, would you just keep an eye on her? 532 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,912 I'm gonna turn down her bed. 533 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,415 - I was sure he was making this up. 534 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,375 - Yes, you're a very pretty doggy. 535 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:12,211 - Hey, what do you think about Jack? 536 00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:15,798 - Who, jacky? He's the best one. 537 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:18,551 I don't know what I would do without him. 538 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,344 - Yeah, he is pretty great, isn't he? 539 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:24,390 Bon Jovi. 540 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,395 - Um... - Uh, no, no, no, no, Lemon. 541 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,439 It's time for bed. It's time for bed. Yeah. 542 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,075 - Chanise, what you gonna do this weekend? 543 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,207 - Me going to re-wallpaper me powder room, man. 544 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,288 - Ooh, girl. - You need a boyfriend. 545 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,641 - But why I need a man just to help me put up me wallpaper? 546 00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:50,916 I'm a independent woman. 547 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,543 - Okay, miss "t." 548 00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,396 You see how she act like she don't want one? 549 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,420 - Uh-huh. 550 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,149 - You know she gonna come back in here crying 551 00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:58,716 when she can't kill a water bug. 552 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,608 - What you want to order for lunch today? 553 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,386 - Don Cheadle on a bed of rice. 554 00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,390 - No, she didn't. - She sure did. 555 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:10,436 Happy Valentine's day, no one.