1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,854 - I never thought this day would come, Lizzie. 2 00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:05,380 Okay, push. 3 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,591 - Push, Liz Lemon! 4 00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,843 - Here comes your baby! 5 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,387 - Congratulations. It's meat cat! 6 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,473 The cheesy blasters mascot. 7 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,517 - I'm what's inside ya! 8 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,352 Razzmatazz! 9 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,607 I got to eat better. 10 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,570 - Oh, hello, Mr. Hornberger. 11 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,507 I thought I was the only one here at this hour. 12 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,931 - No, this is just my little ritual, 13 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,757 so I can have a moment of peace and quiet 14 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,370 between home, where this happened, 15 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,080 and work, where... 16 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,499 I'm always being interrupted. 17 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,791 - Oh, I get it. 18 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:42,833 A little Pete time. 19 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:43,960 Pardon the familiarity. 20 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,964 Well, you just enjoy your coffee, sir, 21 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:48,632 while I tell you a funny story 22 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,050 about my friend's cat. 23 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,135 His name is Mr. Wiggles, 24 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,012 and his cat's name is Benson. 25 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:54,846 - Where's Liz? 26 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,765 I need to speak to her right away. 27 00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:01,478 - I guess that's the end of Pete and Kenneth time. 28 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,855 - Liz, she's here. 29 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,147 Verna's here. 30 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,817 My mother is downstairs. 31 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,735 - Are you sure? 32 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,427 - I didn't see her. Security called. 33 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:11,612 She was trying to use 34 00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:13,615 an OxyContin prescription bottle as I.D. 35 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:14,908 - That's Verna. 36 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,200 - Oh! 37 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,661 - So is she coming up? 38 00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:18,620 - Are you kidding? 39 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,431 I told them to throw her off the property. 40 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,665 But I'm sure she's down there, 41 00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:23,625 sitting on a curb, chain-smoking, 42 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,157 and waiting for me to come out. 43 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,379 Just like the day I was born. 44 00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,671 - Wow. 45 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,441 Look, Jenna, I know that she's no prize, 46 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,551 but no matter what, Verna is your mother. 47 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,988 Don't you want to have a relationship with your mother? 48 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,132 - This isn't a relationship. 49 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,407 This is some woman who shows up 50 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,951 every couple of years to ask for money. 51 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,601 To her, I'm just a gorgeous, 52 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,477 naturally-blonde atm. 53 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,831 - You know, my mother and I sometimes didn't see eye to eye, 54 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,455 but at the end of the day, we always said 55 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,025 ♪ don't go to sleep ♪ 56 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,402 ♪ with a frown in your pocket ♪ 57 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:53,071 - Ugh, Liz, you don't know anything about mothers. 58 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,741 Where's Jack? 59 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,243 - ♪ Go into your yard and tie it on a rocket ♪ 60 00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,995 Both: ♪ shoot it to the moon ♪ 61 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,080 ♪ you'll be feeling better soon ♪ 62 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,833 ♪ don't go to bed with a frown ♪ 63 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:16,053 ♪ ♪ 64 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,981 - Yeah, there were firemen there and everything. 65 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,650 - Where? - At my house. 66 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:30,984 I left my sith lord cloak 67 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,153 too near my mom's shrine to Italian Jesus, 68 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,685 and the candles started a fire. 69 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,156 - Were the firemen strong? 70 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,168 Were any of them the ones from the calendar? 71 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,951 - My mom's staying with family upstate, 72 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,323 but I've got to find some place around here to crash. 73 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,580 - I'm sorry. 74 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,472 Would you like to stay in my guest house? 75 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,083 - Yeah. Thanks. 76 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,584 When's good to go over there? 77 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:48,876 - Oh, I'm not offering. 78 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:49,920 I'm just taking a survey 79 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,922 to Gauge general interest. 80 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,757 But Liz here has a spare apartment. 81 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,175 Ain't that right, Liz? 82 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,527 - Well, it's not really spare. 83 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,911 I bought the place upstairs from me 84 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,364 when I thought I was getting a talk show. 85 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:00,788 But I'm gonna finish the combination 86 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,325 as soon as I either hit the lottery 87 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:05,185 or get married. 88 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,229 Ugh. Fine. You can stay with me. 89 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,730 But it's stuff like this 90 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,482 that makes me eat things like this. 91 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:11,900 - Thanks, Liz. 92 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,735 Oh, I'd like to pre-apologize 93 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,698 for clogging your tub, sink, and toilet. 94 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,784 - Mothers. 95 00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,869 You can't kill them... 96 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,791 - Verna's been using me my whole life, Jack. 97 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,335 I never saw a penny from any of the commercials I booked. 98 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,212 Keep you and your pets safe 99 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,423 with gator hater gator spray. 100 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,883 - Sorry. Honey, you got to get closer to the gator. 101 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,552 We drove eleven hours to get here, 102 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,154 and you're not getting any younger. 103 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,805 - But when I wanted to sing a duet 104 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,257 in a mother-daughter pageant, 105 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:45,392 she blew it off because there was no prize money. 106 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:46,924 - But today's different, Jenna. 107 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:47,728 Today you break the cycle, 108 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,189 because today you are going to say... 109 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,066 No. 110 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,402 I developed this presentation in 2002 111 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:56,027 when Colleen attempted 112 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,559 to lengthen her Christmas visit 113 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:58,488 to Martin Luther King Day, 114 00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,489 or as she calls it, 115 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:00,781 "that day in January 116 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,271 when the post office is closed." 117 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,410 I had to draw the line. 118 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,495 I had to say... 119 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:08,948 This word is your best friend. 120 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,226 - Best friend with benefits? 121 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,710 - Step one, say no. 122 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,002 Step two... 123 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,713 She will try to pick a fight with you. 124 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,005 You will not let her. 125 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,047 She will raise her voice. 126 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:21,011 But I'm going to ask you to... 127 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,346 Always speak quieter. 128 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,783 - Can I just tell you I'm genuinely having fun right now? 129 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:26,847 - If you raise your voice, 130 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,058 emotions take over, 131 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,519 and she gets the upper hand. 132 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,021 But if you're calm and quiet, 133 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,313 you stay in control, 134 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:33,607 and it's on to step three. 135 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,400 And this is the hardest one of all. 136 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,694 She will tell you how disappointed she is in you, 137 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,154 and she will get up to leave, 138 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,532 and you... 139 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,242 Let her walk away. 140 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,076 It's simple. 141 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,996 Say no. Talk low. 142 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,082 Let her go. 143 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:54,044 - Frank. Frank? 144 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,714 Do you smell smoke? 145 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,006 What the hell, Frank? 146 00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,884 - Oh, man. Look, Liz... 147 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,553 - how can you smoke? It's disgusting. 148 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,222 And in my apartment? 149 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:06,994 - Wow. An old white lady yelling at me 150 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,462 while wearing microwavable socks. 151 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,519 This is so different than living with my mom. 152 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,063 Okay, so I smoke a little as a stress release. 153 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,208 I never told you, 'cause I knew you'd lecture me. 154 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:16,232 - It is not a lecture 155 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,026 to simply point out to someone 156 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,111 that the episode of diff'rent strokes 157 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,071 about Dudley's dad 158 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,073 has proven incontrovertibly 159 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,645 that smoking destroys your health 160 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,186 and leads to ridicule from Willis. 161 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:26,993 - Well, what about you? 162 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,285 You can't judge me 163 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,691 when you're eating that garbage. 164 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,593 - This is not the same thing at all, Frank. 165 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:34,000 - Dr. Oz did a show about junk food. 166 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,586 I saw it, 'cause it's on a compilation DVD I have 167 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,878 of fat ladies crying. 168 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,881 And this stuff will kill ya. 169 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:45,762 - "Manufactured in a facility that also processes food." 170 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,681 This is what meat cat spoke of. 171 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,140 - So I guess I'll just get 172 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,752 one of those little throat radios, 173 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,370 and you'll be buried in a piano crate. 174 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,061 Goodnight, Liz. 175 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,522 - No, Frank, that fire in your apartment 176 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:56,814 was no accident. 177 00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,276 - I know. I just wanted to be in control! 178 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:00,110 - It was fate! 179 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,528 We've been brought together 180 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,407 to help each other stop being gross. 181 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:06,699 What do you say? 182 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,867 - All right. 183 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,036 But if doing this restores my sex drive, 184 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,808 the plus-sized ladies in the mail room 185 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,957 have you to blame. 186 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,378 - Oh, there's my baby girl! 187 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,463 - Hello, Verna. 188 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,966 No. Low. Go. 189 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,467 - Okay. I know. 190 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,919 Every time we see each other, 191 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:27,411 I'm always hitting you up for money. 192 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,098 And I know that it's always for something stupid, 193 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,808 like paying the medical bills 194 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,180 that time that my boyfriend 195 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,145 broke his tailbone off in that cage match. 196 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,273 But this time it's different. 197 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,442 - I said no. 198 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,776 Wait, what is this? 199 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,820 - I'm trying to pay you back. 200 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,947 I'm trying to make good for once. 201 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,239 - Is this the fight? 202 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,492 I'm talking quieter. 203 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:50,452 I'm in control. 204 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:51,912 - What's that now? 205 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,431 I'm the calm one. 206 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,497 Upper hand. 207 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,791 - Jenna, why are we talking like this? 208 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,126 Does somebody have a gun? 209 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,170 - I'm going lower now. 210 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,005 - Okay. 211 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,592 Well, I know you're busy. 212 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,219 I just wanted to say this face to face. 213 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,014 I am so proud of you. 214 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,850 And I love you so much. 215 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,686 And I wish I'd said that more. 216 00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,399 - Don't go, mommy. 217 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,527 I'll stand closer to the gator. 218 00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:33,870 - Goon! 219 00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:37,082 - Sorry I'm late, Mr. Hornberger. 220 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,875 Funny story. 221 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,669 There was a guy on the subway 222 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,046 who I thought for a second didn't have any fingers. 223 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,631 But then I realized 224 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:48,093 he was holding his hand like this. 225 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:48,969 - Listen up, everyone. 226 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:52,222 Frank and I have some exciting news to share. 227 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,724 - I am quitting smoking. 228 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,576 - And I am gonna start eating healthier. 229 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,561 - I signed up for a service called "Noofud" 230 00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,939 that delivers humanely-portioned organic meals. 231 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,991 - And I took the elevator all the way up here 232 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,943 without losing my breath. 233 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,449 - Liz, god knows you should eat better, 234 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:12,901 but maybe now's not the time. 235 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,202 It's show week, 236 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,814 and I can't have you melting down, 237 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,622 and junk food is your stress release. 238 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:18,914 We all need a release. 239 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,668 I know, because Kenneth has taken mine away from me, 240 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,080 and I'm worried about what I'm gonna do to replace it. 241 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,129 While you were talking, 242 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,090 I put a thumbtack in my neck. 243 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:29,551 - Makes me feel something. 244 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,903 - Well, don't worry about me, Pete. 245 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:31,928 I have a new outlet... 246 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,722 My delicious Noofud. 247 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,098 Like my upcoming lunch, 248 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,142 Autumn tempeh Risotto 249 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,770 with salmon-rubbed streusel chunks. 250 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,605 - Oh! 251 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:47,860 - Jenna? 252 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:48,902 I just wanted to see 253 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,447 how it went with Verna last night. 254 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:51,948 - Jack, it was perfect. 255 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,533 Like a John Mayer song. 256 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,035 - Good. So you said no? 257 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,013 - I didn't have to. She didn't want anything. 258 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,121 She's completely changed. 259 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,456 - What? No. 260 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:00,790 People do not change. 261 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,082 In the late '90s, 262 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,927 I thought Colleen had become a better person. 263 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:04,711 It turns out she had a tumor 264 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,006 pressing on her brain's pleasure center. 265 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,841 A tumor those quack doctors removed. 266 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,843 - Jack, this is different. 267 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:12,844 She gave me money. 268 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,804 - It's not different, Jenna. 269 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,806 It never is. 270 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,975 You must be Verna. 271 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,977 - Oh, and you must be Jack Donaghy. 272 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,021 Jenna, you were right, darlin'. 273 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,856 He does look like he'd be great 274 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,985 between those two things we were talking about. 275 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:29,903 - Interesting earrings. 276 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:32,781 - Oh, thank you. I made 'em myself. 277 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,153 Something's killing all the birds in my neighborhood. 278 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,660 - Mom, I really wish you didn't have to leave tonight. 279 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,829 'Cause my birthday's this weekend. 280 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,624 - Oh, my god. I am the worst mother. 281 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:43,916 - No. - Yes, I am. 282 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,167 - Don't say that. 283 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:46,773 Could a bad mom have raised a daughter 284 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,773 who was engaged to a congressman when she was 16? 285 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:49,957 - Jenna to the Stage, please. 286 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:50,548 - Oh, that's me. 287 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,676 Oh, goodness. 288 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,679 Oh. 289 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,091 - Blowing town tonight, huh? 290 00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,141 - I knew it was her birthday. 291 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,851 I'm throwing her a surprise party, 292 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,521 and it's at a fancy restaurant, 293 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,147 so wear something nice. 294 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,066 Like a pair of white jeans 295 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,237 and a Dan Marino Jersey or something, 'Kay? 296 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,943 - Hey. So how you holding up? 297 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,953 - Terrible. I have a headache, a stomachache. 298 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,285 Last night I spent an hour 299 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,307 trying to remember how to spell the word "heighth." 300 00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,874 - Liz, your body is crying out 301 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:26,543 for all the chemicals it's used to. 302 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,128 You can't go on like this. 303 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:29,796 Here. Eat it. 304 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,148 Eat it. Come on. You need your crutch. 305 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,172 - Stop it! 306 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:36,219 God, your arms are really weak. 307 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,637 What are you smiling at? 308 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,013 Aren't you miserable? 309 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,141 - I have a very strong will. 310 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:45,103 Rossitanos have refused to fight in seven wars. 311 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,104 - I don't buy it. 312 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,396 There is no way that guy 313 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,607 is stronger than me. - Or me. 314 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,210 - He's got to be sneaking cigarettes. 315 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,527 - You're the one living with him. 316 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:53,444 Catch him in the act. 317 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,339 - Yeah. I still have his old cigarette pack. 318 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,843 I will leave it out tonight as a trap, 319 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,008 and set up a video camera. 320 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,032 - Good idea. Nanny cam. 321 00:10:59,117 --> 00:10:59,826 Just like the one our nanny used 322 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:01,345 to catch me watching her sleep. 323 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,871 High five. 324 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,751 - Hi. I was told I'd get paid 325 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,880 if I came here and danced while the Atlanta hawks eat dinner. 326 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,631 All: Surprise! 327 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,926 - Oh, my god! 328 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,636 Mom, you remembered. 329 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,221 - Well, of course I remembered. 330 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,806 Come here, sweetie. 331 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,433 - I've seen this before. 332 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,768 Classic Colleen move. 333 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,140 Whatever it is Verna wants, 334 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,980 she's going to ask for it tonight, 335 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:29,689 and Jenna can't say no 336 00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,141 in front of all these people. 337 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,026 My mother once won a radio contest 338 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,318 to announce the starting lineups at a Red Sox game, 339 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,486 and used the opportunity 340 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,823 to get me to promise never to put her in a home. 341 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:39,699 What could I do? 342 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,385 Carl Yastrzemski was looking right at me. 343 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:41,951 - This isn't about you, 344 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,703 so you need to get over your issues 345 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,181 and try to be happy for Jenna. 346 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,205 Speaking of issues, 347 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,267 I had a dream the other night that we were married 348 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,959 and I gave birth to a cartoon cat, so... 349 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,128 - Could I have 350 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,839 everybody's attention, please? 351 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,674 Thank you. 352 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,970 In my life, I've been a lot of things... 353 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,014 A liar. 354 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:04,974 A dental hygienist. 355 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,143 But I haven't always been 356 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,686 a good mom. 357 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:10,813 Jenna, honey, I don't know if you remember, 358 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,815 but when you were 11, 359 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,734 we were supposed to sing together 360 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,819 at a mother-daughter talent pageant. 361 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,821 - I had completely forgotten about that. 362 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:20,782 What betrayal? 363 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,534 - Well, I was drinking pretty heavily then... 364 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,745 On account of my bad knee. 365 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:28,623 And then I went and drove my jet ski 366 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,669 into that great big bunch of moss. 367 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,797 So I did not make it to that pageant. 368 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:40,051 Honey, I don't deserve a single thing from you, 369 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,928 but I've got to ask one favor. 370 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,680 And it's a big one. 371 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,891 If you would do me the very great honor 372 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,894 of joining me? 373 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:50,728 Hit it. 374 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,772 ♪ ♪ 375 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:56,025 ♪ do that to me one more time ♪ 376 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,236 ♪ once is never enough ♪ 377 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:02,824 ♪ with a daughter like you ♪ 378 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,119 - ♪ do that to me one more time ♪ 379 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:09,038 ♪ I can never get enough ♪ 380 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,958 ♪ of a mom like you ♪ 381 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,793 ♪ oh ♪ 382 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:17,797 Both: ♪ kiss me ♪ 383 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:21,092 ♪ like you just did ♪ 384 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,444 - How are you not moved by this? 385 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,638 - Because I'm listening to the words. 386 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:30,059 Both: ♪ do that to me once again ♪ 387 00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,567 - Verna. 388 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,152 - Hey. 389 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,195 Nice office, Jack. 390 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,905 I feel like I'm in 391 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,782 the Martha Stewart section of Kmart. 392 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,284 - What can I do for you? 393 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,912 - Oh, well, I just wanted to thank you 394 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,204 for coming to the party. 395 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,707 It meant a lot to Jenna. 396 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,751 And it was pretty important to me too. 397 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,837 See, now you know what the show would be like. 398 00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,129 - What show? 399 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,467 - Jack, I did not drive my home 400 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,926 all the way to New York City 401 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,763 just to kiss my daughter's ass. 402 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,140 Thank you. 403 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:11,351 I want to do a TV show about me and her. 404 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,770 - You want to do a reality show? 405 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:14,729 - Come on. 406 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,147 You see how good I am 407 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,067 at pushing Jenna's buttons. 408 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,529 Yeah, this show will have laughter, tears, 409 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,073 topless arguments. 410 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,117 Infections caused by jacuzzi water. 411 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:28,951 - I knew it. 412 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,496 I knew you had something up your sleeve 413 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,165 besides a tattoo with, let me guess... 414 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,501 - it's a mermaid. 415 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,669 Doing it with captain Morgan. 416 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,213 Now, come on, Jack. 417 00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:43,466 We both understand the value of a dollar. 418 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:44,884 Oop. 419 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:48,137 Now won't you please do me this favor? 420 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,472 Talk to Jenna. 421 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:53,059 There's a lot more where that come from. 422 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,938 Which is in my underpanties. 423 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,318 Come in. 424 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,862 - Jenna, I was right. 425 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,155 I was right all along. 426 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,157 - What's that? 427 00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,493 - Oh. New earrings. 428 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:11,785 - My mom just made them. 429 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,472 So they still might have some pigeon mites. 430 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:16,457 But she said those can't affect... affect humans... humans. 431 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,102 - Yes, well, it certainly is amazing 432 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,919 to see how your mother has made this 180. 433 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,211 - It's even better, Jack. 434 00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:25,466 She's made a full 360. 435 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:26,902 - Well, I just wanted to come by 436 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,511 and make sure you're okay. 437 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,096 I'm glad to see you're so happy. 438 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:31,556 - I am happy. 439 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,517 Because now I have everything. 440 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,398 - Good morning, dummies. 441 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,194 So Frank can go cold Turkey but I can't? 442 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,488 Well, well, well. 443 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,740 Frank's old cigarettes. 444 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,232 When I went to bed last night, 445 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,202 there were 15 cigarettes in the pack. 446 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,620 This morning, there were 12. 447 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,205 - What? - J'accuse! 448 00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,624 - Look, I don't know where those cigarettes went. 449 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,042 - If only some genius 450 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,379 had secretly videotaped her living room last night. 451 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,257 Oh, wait. It did. 452 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,229 - Hang on. You videotaped your living room? 453 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,426 All night? 454 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,178 - Sure did. 455 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,179 And as soon as I figure out 456 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,180 which one of these things 457 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,472 is the thingy... 458 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,598 - Coming at you. 459 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,934 Gimme. 460 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,306 - You didn't believe in me. 461 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:19,854 But I believed in myself. 462 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,481 Just like the last scene 463 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,399 of all movies. 464 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,694 - Okay. Here we go. 465 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,112 What are you wearing? 466 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,114 Both: They're called "night Spanx". 467 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:31,766 - I don't even remember getting up. 468 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:32,533 What am I doing? 469 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,905 - You're sleepwalking, Liz. 470 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:37,205 It's a little-understood parasomnial disorder. 471 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,207 That's gross. 472 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,082 - She's not sleep walking. 473 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,586 - Oh, my god. I'm sleep ea ting. 474 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,558 - You tried to take away your release, Liz, 475 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:46,796 but nature finds a way. 476 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,523 Did you learn nothing from Jurassic park? 477 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,092 - Why am I making a phone call? 478 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,119 - Okay, I don't mean to be the black guy at the movie, 479 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,269 but you better move, girl! 480 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,105 - Uh-oh. 481 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,525 - Oh, Liz, you didn't! 482 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,109 - I ordered a pizza? 483 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,279 Oh! 484 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,280 - Oh, I don't want to see this. 485 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,156 - Okay, fine. 486 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,448 I cheated in my sleep. 487 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,784 But Frank folded too, 488 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,970 because I am not making it up about the cigarettes. 489 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:20,081 Any minute he's gonna... - Wait, what are you doing now? 490 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,916 - No. No. Please, no. 491 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,710 - Oh, god, Liz. You didn't smoke the... 492 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,713 - I'm eating it. 493 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,882 - Okay, well, mystery solved. 494 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,009 Liz ate the cigarettes, 495 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,010 and I guess some of us 496 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,011 just don't need a release. 497 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:35,513 So let's turn the TV off. 498 00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,099 - Hang on. 499 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,058 - Oh, thanks, Frank. 500 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,476 - Oh, there's more. 501 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,980 Denise, I said wait upstairs. 502 00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:46,023 My boss is asleep in the other room. 503 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,441 - I was told 504 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:52,113 you have a package for the mail room. 505 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,406 - Oh, come on! 506 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:54,698 - This just got awesome. 507 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:55,866 - I need you, Denise. 508 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,238 I'm trying to quit smoking, 509 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,579 and my mom's not here. 510 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,622 - I'm your mama now, baby. 511 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,958 ♪ Don't go to sleep ♪ 512 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,460 ♪ with a frown in your pocket ♪ 513 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,505 ♪ go into your yard ♪ 514 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:11,048 ♪ and tie it on a rocket ♪ 515 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,940 - This is the worst thing I've ever seen. 516 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,595 - ♪ You'll be feeling better soon ♪ 517 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:19,473 Both: ♪ don't go to bed with a frown ♪ 518 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,101 - I love you, Denise mommy. 519 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,983 - We all need our release. 520 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,695 - Verna, 521 00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,307 I want to be in business with you. 522 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,198 - Oh! Ho, ho, ho! 523 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,743 We are gonna be swimming in green, Jack. 524 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:42,705 Just like when I dye my pool on St. Patrick's day. 525 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,197 - I do have a couple of notes. 526 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,750 This project will not be about 527 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,710 drama or dysfunction. 528 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:48,669 People are tired of that. 529 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,171 - Well, so what's it about? 530 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,463 - Redemption. 531 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,467 It's about a mother making amends to her daughter. 532 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:55,468 And it's not a show. 533 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,178 It's four visits per year... 534 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,638 Christmas, mother's day, 535 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,515 Jenna's birthday, and Thanksgiving. 536 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,851 You treat Jenna with the respect she deserves, 537 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,269 you get a check. 538 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,641 - You're trying to bribe me 539 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:07,355 into being a good mom. 540 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,148 - Well, it is all just about money, 541 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,483 isn't it, Verna? 542 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,068 - Well, maybe for me. 543 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,529 But this is emotional for you, isn't it? 544 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:19,825 And I believe that gives me the upper hand, 545 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,869 and you're gonna have to pay. 546 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,621 Big. 547 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,164 3 grand a visit, 548 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,249 and a rain tarp for my washer and dryer. 549 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:28,876 - Deal. 550 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,378 Verna, stop stroking my palm 551 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,170 with your middle finger. 552 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:32,702 This is a business transaction. 553 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,090 - Sorry. 554 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,966 Whoo-hoo, Mr. Big stuff. 555 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,843 - Dudley's father went outside 556 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,220 and lit a cigarette. 557 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,680 In the next episode... 558 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,848 - Good morning, Pete, Kenneth. - Liz. 559 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,518 - If you are spending your mornings with Kenneth, 560 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:46,519 what's your release? 561 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,437 - Uh... 562 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,773 Oh, I feel alive! 563 00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:52,525 I've been biting my nails. 564 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,610 - Oh. 565 00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,446 - Hey, Liz. 566 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,448 Verna's coming back for mother's day. 567 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,617 We're gonna do a duet of I'll make love to you 568 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,411 at a children's hospital. 569 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:04,870 - That's great, Jenna. 570 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,497 Hey, Jack, guess what? 571 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,416 Verna's coming back for mother's day. 572 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,501 - She is? What a surprise. 573 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:13,963 - So I guess you were 100% wrong about everything. 574 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,799 Think about that, Jack. 575 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,313 - You're a good man, Jack Donaghy. 576 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:32,982 - Thanks, meat cat. 577 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,161 - Oh, I've got an idea for a show called doctor 578 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:45,161 about Richard doctor, who's a piano player. 579 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:48,038 Do you remember that show Jennifer slept here? 580 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:51,125 Ann Jillian plays a ghost of a Hollywood starlet 581 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,626 who helps teenagers. 582 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,587 With what? I don't know. 583 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,882 Some of those people on match game were drunk... 584 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,175 With power. 585 00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:02,136 Did you know The Today Show used to have a monkey on it? 586 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,929 Hasn't been as good since. 587 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,866 I think that chimp used to drive the truck himself 588 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,434 on you know what and the bear.