1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,021 - Your hair's looking less weird. 2 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:04,045 - Thanks. 3 00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,673 - Okay, Christmas gifts. Uh, Pete? 4 00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,818 - Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans, 5 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,136 so cheese of the month club. 6 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:12,428 - Uh, Jenna? 7 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:13,573 - Oh, I wanna take that Internet photo 8 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,597 of her nipple slip 9 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,117 and have it made into a Jigsaw puzzle. 10 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,976 - Aw, she'll love that. 11 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:19,520 Okay, uh, Jack? 12 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,313 - Jack Donaghy? - Yeah. 13 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,605 - Huh. 14 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:23,875 Well, I've never exchanged gifts 15 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,359 with Jack before. 16 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,131 But we've known each other four years. 17 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,612 I mean, we're friends, right? 18 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:29,613 - Absolutely. 19 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:31,615 You guys remind me of that bantering couple 20 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,450 in that old movie, um... 21 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,370 Meet the parents. 22 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,290 - Oh, my, is it yearbook time already? 23 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,227 - The company has acquired an up and coming 24 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:43,961 social networking site called YouFace, 25 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,547 so each executive has to set up their YouFace page. 26 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,274 Now, this picture will be my pholo... 27 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,298 - Not a word. 28 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,310 - Which is a contraction for photo and hello. 29 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,553 YouFace. 30 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,179 Who are you facing? 31 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,471 No one. 32 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,891 Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids 33 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,463 who want to exchange pervy emails 34 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,165 with their old high school boyfriends. 35 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,747 - And since all your high school boyfriends 36 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,815 are now gay... - Exactly. 37 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,734 - So Lemon, what can I do for you? 38 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,186 - Do you want to exchange Christmas presents this year? 39 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:11,947 - Uh, just, uh... 40 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,239 I would love to. - Great. 41 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,450 So what do you want? 42 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,451 - Excuse me? 43 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,743 - Well, in my family, 44 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:19,138 everybody just writes down what they want 45 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:19,788 and then we give it to each other 46 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,480 and everybody has a great Christmas. 47 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,833 - Lemon, gift giving 48 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,835 is the purest expression of friendship. 49 00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:27,963 I'm going to think about what I know and like about you 50 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,482 and that will lead me to the perfect gift, 51 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,674 and you do the same. 52 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:36,388 - So bath salts in a coffee mug would be... 53 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,349 Not it. 54 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:51,895 ♪ 55 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,622 - Thanks. 56 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,113 - Hey, new guy, how's it going? 57 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,166 - Well, I'm worried. 58 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,394 I haven't been on the show the last two weeks. 59 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,461 - Good stuff. 60 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,188 Listen, every Christmas, I collect money from the staff 61 00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,481 and give it to the cleaning ladies. 62 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:11,745 - Yeah. Of course, count me in. 63 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,007 - Great. 64 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,455 Jenna, would you care to chip in? 65 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,136 - No, thank you. 66 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,765 I'm doing my own thing this year. 67 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,266 - She does this every year. 68 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,278 She doesn't give the money because she knows 69 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,637 that the card says, "from the cast and writers of TGS," 70 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,314 and she'll get credit for it anyway. 71 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:28,916 I should make up new cards that say, 72 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,776 "happy holidays from everyone except Jenna." 73 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,444 But that would require me 74 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,336 to have some remaining life force, Danny. 75 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:37,240 So I'm gonna go have a drink alone at the oyster bar. 76 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,454 - I've been finger tagged, Lemon. 77 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,186 - Was it down by the subway entrance? 78 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,007 'Cause I saw a gangly-looking kid down there. 79 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,769 - Finger tagged means I have been contacted 80 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,336 by someone else on YouFace. 81 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,546 In this case, that would be Nancy Donovan, 82 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,508 the cutest girl at east Sadchester high school, 83 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,343 class of 1976. 84 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,955 - That's the year my mom was born. 85 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,682 - Would you get us some pens? 86 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,813 - See, I told you you'd find an old girlfriend. 87 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,421 - She wasn't my girlfriend, Lemon, 88 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,105 but I must admit, Nancy Donovan was... 89 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,397 My first crush. 90 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,818 - My first crush was Larry Wilcox. 91 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,528 The blonde guy from chips? 92 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:18,031 Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo. 93 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,117 - Uh, this wasn't a TV crush. This was real. 94 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:21,868 - Oh, mine got pretty real. 95 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,538 - Here's a woman I haven't seen in 25 years. 96 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,998 One day on YouFace and she finds me, 97 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,810 tells me that she's coming down to pick up her sons 98 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,420 at Fordham, and she'd love to swing by. 99 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,838 What does that mean? 100 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,840 - Did she post you public or pm you? 101 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,217 - I don't know. - Well, let's look at her page. 102 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,219 - Oh... um... 103 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,596 Www... 104 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:42,888 - Got it. 105 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,284 I'll check her face-vault to see her previous bing-bings. 106 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,769 - Is YouFace hyphenated? - Huh. 107 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,580 Six months ago, her status said she was "married," 108 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:50,604 but 14 days ago, 109 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,649 she changed it to "working on it." 110 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,109 - Really? May I see that? 111 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,921 - Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace. 112 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,296 There are definitely faces here 113 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,239 but they are not being treated with respect. 114 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,534 Ew. 115 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,370 Kenneth. 116 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,998 Bag of names. 117 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,667 Secret Santa. Secret Santa! 118 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,503 - Kenneth is doing his secret Santa fun swap thing. 119 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:14,421 - Ugh! 120 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,232 He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, 121 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,967 giving and rules, and combines them! 122 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,778 - And then the person with the highest number 123 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,846 gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. 124 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:26,349 If they wanna switch, they cannot, unless they do. 125 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,351 Then everyone puts their head down 126 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:29,811 except the murderer. 127 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,354 Oh, wait, that's not right. 128 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:32,665 - The whole thing was so confusing 129 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,150 I ended up getting my own crappy gift back. 130 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,320 Like I need two copies of over 60 vixens. 131 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,498 - Mr. Rossitano, 132 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,959 would you like to participate in our studio-wide 133 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,586 secret Santa fun swap? 134 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,214 - I totally would do secret Santa, 135 00:04:57,506 --> 00:05:00,091 but I don't believe in Christmas because I'm a Verdukian. 136 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:03,303 - Yes, we are all very strict verdukians. 137 00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:06,348 - Oh. My apologies. 138 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,784 I've never heard of that religion. 139 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,888 What do you all believe in? 140 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,060 - Oh, many things. 141 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:13,522 Uh, the healing power of root beer... 142 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,294 - That a man can have up to nine wives 143 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,067 if two of them are male. 144 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,444 - And we always leave work to go to the movies 145 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:20,362 on Merlinpeen. 146 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,405 So good Merlinpeen to you, Kenneth. 147 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,699 - Good Merlinpeen. 148 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,535 - Good Merlinpeen. 149 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,703 - Vattene, what's this? Is this a store Jack likes? 150 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,249 - Unbelievable. 151 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,381 Do you really think you belong on Mr. Donaghy's 152 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,626 personal gift list? 153 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,669 - Why not? We're friends. 154 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,355 - He's the best gift giver in the world. 155 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,798 I tried once. 156 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,843 I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil. 157 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,929 In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail! 158 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,473 - Oh, brother. - You will never match him. 159 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,476 And I'll be here next year to take you off of that list. 160 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,145 - Even if I get into law school, I won't go! 161 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,437 All right. 162 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,731 - Jonathan, would you... 163 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,943 Oh, Lemon, come in here for a minute. 164 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:02,237 I want you to meet my old friend, Nancy Donovan. 165 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,965 That's my maiden name. 166 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,509 I keep tellin' ya. Things have changed. 167 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,201 But not your hair. It's like a shag carpet. 168 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,621 I wanna sit on it and play a board game. 169 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:12,913 Nice to meet ya. 170 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,125 - Nice to meet you. Is your family here? 171 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,337 - Ah, just the boys. My husband couldn't make it. 172 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,795 - Husband couldn't make it. 173 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,314 - Oh, I... I brought something to show ya. 174 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,008 It's, uh... it's goofy, I know. 175 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,843 Oh, my goodness. 176 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,636 Hey, beantown. 177 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,471 Hey, beantown was the school musical 178 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:29,763 Nancy and I were in. 179 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,349 - I thought you had Stage fright. 180 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,393 - ♪ Hey, beantown 181 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,394 ♪ the puritans round you 182 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,021 both: ♪ hey, beantown 183 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,313 - ♪ water surrounds you 184 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:38,982 ♪ so let's watch the Sox play ball ♪ 185 00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,274 Both: ♪ play ball 186 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,819 ♪ at beantown, you got it all ♪ 187 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,529 - Whoo! 188 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,573 Yeah, I did plays in high school too. 189 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,225 I was John proctor in the crucible. 190 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,803 - Oh, you went to an all-girls' school? 191 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,995 - No. 192 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,327 - Jack played Paul revere. 193 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,123 We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 194 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,376 'cause she got to play his horse. 195 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,170 - Well, nice to meet you. 196 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,589 - Nice to meet ya. 197 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,466 - He still owes me $10. That's true. 198 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,509 - Yeah, he was always a thief, that guy. 199 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,195 - Remember those guys used to hang out by the cash register? 200 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,219 - Oh, I know. I remember. 201 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,629 - And mooch. He was a moocher. 202 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,703 - What's with all the junk, Ken? 203 00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,145 - Well, these are my all-inclusive 204 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,772 holiday decorations. 205 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,082 Here's a little Christmas tree... 206 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,942 - Okay. - A menorah. 207 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,336 - Dig. - A picture of President Obama. 208 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,360 For the muslims. 209 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,726 - I'm gonna let that one slide. 210 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:26,947 - And a bowl of meat cubes 211 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,366 with a picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out 212 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,493 in the tradition of Verdukianism. 213 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,828 - Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. 214 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,205 Jimmy is catholic. 215 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:38,083 - Ah. Good Merlinpeen, gentlemen. 216 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,709 All: Good Merlinpeen. 217 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,003 - So you guys are verdukians? 218 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,047 - Yep. That's why we can't do secret Santa. 219 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,339 - Mm-hmm. 220 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,300 Then sing that Verdukian winter Carol. 221 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,719 The famous one. 222 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:55,600 - ♪Oh, meat bowl or Verduke 223 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,938 ♪ you bring me such pizza - ♪ meatbowl 224 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,067 Now a Christmas song. 225 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,359 Oh, Mr. Baker. 226 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,569 Hmm? 227 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:11,241 ♪ Oh, holy night 228 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,285 ♪ the stars are brightly shining ♪ 229 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,829 - What the whaaat? 230 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,321 New dude is as good at singing 231 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,332 as Tracy Jordan is at everything! 232 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:20,625 - Danny, was that you? 233 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:21,543 Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that? 234 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,155 - I didn't think it was important. 235 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,294 - Not important? 236 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,186 I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week. 237 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,425 Come here. Listen up. 238 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:29,259 Jenna's not singing the Christmas solo 239 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,011 on Friday's show, you are. 240 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:32,302 - What? Why? 241 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,305 - For the most wonderful reason of all: 242 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,474 Christmas vengeance. 243 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,119 Jenna will finally be punished for all the times 244 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,370 I had to pay her share of the money 245 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,103 for the cleaning ladies. 246 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,915 - No, I don't wanna steal Jenna's solo. 247 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,815 That's not what the holidays are about. 248 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,747 Maybe Jenna and I could do a duet instead. 249 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:50,280 Yes. A duet. 250 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,451 Share the Stage. She will love that! 251 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,619 - I'm sorry, are you being sarcastic? 252 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,305 Canadians have a hard time recognizing it 253 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,089 'cause we don't have a big Jewish population. 254 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:03,585 - I'm not being sarcastic at all! 255 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,336 - Okay. Great. 256 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:06,629 Dude... 257 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,423 - Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger. 258 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,385 - I can't believe you're not married. 259 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,679 I thought you'd have some hotshot young wife 260 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,849 with black hair who says queer stuff like, 261 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,184 "dressing on the side." 262 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,236 - Well, I was married, but people grow apart. 263 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,729 - Was she a bitch or did you cheat? 264 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:25,106 - The former. - The former? 265 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,150 What are you, a newscaster? 266 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,002 Whatever happened to your Boston accent? 267 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,588 You're a liar, Nancy Donovan. 268 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:31,946 I never had a Boston accent. 269 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,278 What about you, loudmouth? 270 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,891 What southie piece of trash did you trick into marrying you? 271 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,952 - I'll have you know that my husband happens to be 272 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,706 a very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist. 273 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,225 No, I'm kiddin' ya. He's an Irish moron. 274 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,375 Runs a roofing company. 275 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,878 So if you need your roof done, call someone else, 276 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,089 because my guy's... 277 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,883 Not reliable. 278 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,402 - What do you say I take you and the boys 279 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,426 out to dinner? 280 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:55,916 I know a lot of terrific places. 281 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,012 - Uh, I don't know. 282 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,824 They have their heart set on the ESPN zone. 283 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,568 They've been talking about the Hideki Matsui 284 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,393 caliente fajitas all week. 285 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,604 - Well, let them go to the ESPN zone 286 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,216 and I'll take you some place nice. 287 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,983 - Yeah. Sure. Why not? 288 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,320 I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school. 289 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,452 Otherwise this whole thing would be so awkward. 290 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,294 - Excuse me, we kissed every night on Stage 291 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:17,617 in hey, beantown. 292 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,069 - Oh, that doesn't count. There wasn't even any tongue. 293 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,728 - But only because my mother told me 294 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,430 that French kissing was for the Italians. 295 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,375 - They do love it. 296 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,307 How else do you think I got Mr. Sorrentino 297 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,630 to cast me as the spirit of Liberty? 298 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,260 - A duet? Really? 299 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,719 I didn't know you sang. 300 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,222 I mean, it's funny 'cause it's kind of my thing. 301 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,866 But next thing I know you're gonna be telling me 302 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,143 you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection. 303 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,606 - Maybe I should hear you sing. 304 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,316 That way I can plan our harmonies. 305 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,652 - ♪Oh, Danny boy 306 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:53,945 ♪ the pipes 307 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:57,407 ♪ the pipes are calling 308 00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,493 ♪ from Glen to Glen 309 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:04,622 ♪ and down the mountainside 310 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,194 I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding? 311 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,001 - Yes. 312 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,211 Because I'm so happy for you. 313 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,255 It's definitely not a rage stroke. 314 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:13,923 - Oh. Great! 315 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,092 - What's up, special k? 316 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,427 Having a party? 317 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,719 - Not me, sir. 318 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,347 Tonight is the Verdukian holiday of mouth pleasures. 319 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,516 Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz 320 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,018 must have free sausage pizza 321 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,853 followed by some gentle flossing 322 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,105 performed by a blonde virgin. 323 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,025 - Your generosity is being taken advantage of. 324 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:32,859 - What do you mean? 325 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,320 - Verdukianism. It's fake. 326 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:36,696 Those dudes made it up 327 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,628 because they didn't wanna do secret Santa. 328 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,201 - But they had all these rules and rituals. 329 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,203 - That's what religion is, k-fed. 330 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,289 Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. 331 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,250 Why don't catholics eat meat on Fridays? 332 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,627 I'll tell you why. 333 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,213 Because the pope owns long John silver's. 334 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,048 - Wait a minute, are you saying that 335 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,051 other religions are made up by man too? 336 00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,343 - Uh-oh, Ken. 337 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,488 We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. 338 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,765 And if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown. 339 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,017 - What if there's no god? 340 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,186 - Okay, time to go. 341 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,317 ♪ 342 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,329 - So far, she's just uploaded some pictures. 343 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,739 - "My Christmas trip to New York with the boys." 344 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,574 Ice skating, sure. 345 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,869 And Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum. 346 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,913 That finger touching his moustache is me. 347 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,041 Why did she crop me out of all of these pictures? 348 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,584 - No, it's good. 349 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,479 If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in. 350 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,671 But she must feel weird about 351 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,123 her husband seeing you there. 352 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,548 She feels weird in a good way. 353 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,926 - Weird in a good way. Huh. 354 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:41,469 Like going to the gym drunk. 355 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,889 She changed her status from "working on it" 356 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,267 to "weirdsies." 357 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:51,062 - O.M.F.G. 358 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,276 - Is that maroon and Navy? 359 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,567 Nerds! 360 00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:58,736 - Don't tell me, Lemon, 361 00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,780 you spent $500 on a tie I already have 362 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,907 at a store with a no returns policy. 363 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,450 - Oh, shark farts! 364 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,995 - But this is my lucky tie. 365 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,047 And anyone who knows me well would know that. 366 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,374 And just like I know you only wear that sweater 367 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,352 when you're planning on eating pasta with red sauce. 368 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,128 - Nice haircut. 369 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,700 - Let's level the playing field. 370 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,215 How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts 371 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,717 is zero dollars? 372 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,009 - Really? 373 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,761 You want to exchange creative gifts? 374 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,053 Oh, well. 375 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,740 You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, 376 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,726 because creativity to me is just like... 377 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,229 It's like a bird, like a friendly bird 378 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,773 that embraces all... 379 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,110 Ideas and just, like, shoots... 380 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:40,987 Out of its eyes all kinds of beauty. 381 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,948 - Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. 382 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:44,949 Mark Hemingway. 383 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,284 - Yeah. 384 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:47,678 Wait, why are you wearing your lucky tie? 385 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,246 - I'm having dinner tonight with Nancy. Alone. 386 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,665 She changed her status to "weirdsies." 387 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,877 - What are your expectations here? She's married. 388 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,502 Uh, I don't know, Lemon. 389 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:57,794 Nancy's leaving tomorrow. 390 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,273 Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts? 391 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,924 - That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out, 392 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,428 but made me go get help. 393 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,223 - Hey! 394 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,076 Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room 395 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,161 and punch me in the throat? 396 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,269 - No. 397 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,271 - He's bigger than you said. 398 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,683 May I still collect my kiss? 399 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,359 - Vattene! 400 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,319 - Why would you do that, Jenna? 401 00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,651 I thought we were buddies. 402 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,797 You don't fool me with your innocent act. 403 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,992 First you force your way into my solo... 404 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,369 - I didn't force anything. 405 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:30,888 Pete is the one that wanted to take away your solo. 406 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:31,912 - What? Why? 407 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,664 - He's mad that you don't chip in 408 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,059 for the cleaning lady's Christmas gifts. 409 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,834 - Well, I'm doing my own thing. 410 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,463 I got them this. 411 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,048 The program from this year's 412 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,634 Asian women in television awards. 413 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:48,763 Julie chen's energy drink, Chenergize. 414 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,807 A flipvideo. 415 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,743 Wait, hang on, I didn't know this was in here. 416 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,567 - Wow, you really get in the Christmas spirit. 417 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,312 Oh, my god. 418 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:57,772 I just got sarcasm. 419 00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,649 - Fine. 420 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:02,610 I'm terrible at Christmas because I never had a nice one. 421 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,755 Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa claus, 422 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:05,822 but that's just because 423 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,800 she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad. 424 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,344 So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap 425 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,993 in the Bakersfield area and scream, 426 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:13,037 "you oughta be ashamed of yourself, Travis!" 427 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,957 - Oh, no, that's... That sounds horrible. 428 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,851 - And then I'd sing Carols in the middle of sears 429 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,002 just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted. 430 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,047 And those few minutes when I was singing Carols, 431 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,508 that was the one part of Christmas I liked. 432 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,387 And now you've taken that away from me. 433 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,434 - Well, that went well. 434 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,854 Oh, yes. 435 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,191 - You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now. 436 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:46,571 - Something you wanna say? 437 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:50,032 - We wanna do secret Santa! Yay! 438 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,535 - Secret Santa has been cancelled 439 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:53,987 because I have lost my faith. 440 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,621 - But something's changed in us. 441 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,707 It's... it's a Christmas miracle. 442 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,279 That certainly proves god exists. 443 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,836 - If god existed, then he would punish you 444 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,171 for what you did to me. 445 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,132 And yet here you are unpunished. 446 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:10,428 Ergo, our actions have no consequences. 447 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,971 So if you'll excuse me, 448 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,891 I'm gonna go buy some guitar music. 449 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,415 - Hey, what was the name of that abandoned factory 450 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,816 where we used to go shoot BB guns at rats? 451 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,109 - Wolford cap and gown. 452 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,028 - Of course. Is that still there? 453 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,906 - No, they tore it down and put up a big playground. 454 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,783 - Oh, what a shame. - Yeah. 455 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,620 - So, uh, can I buy you a nightcap? 456 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,580 - Better not. 457 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,124 We have an early train back to Boston tomorrow. 458 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,083 And you know how hard it is 459 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,055 to get teenagers out of bed in the mornin'. 460 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:45,463 - Yes, but not in the way you're talking about. 461 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,329 - It was great to see you, Jack. 462 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,594 I'll, uh... I'll hit ya on YouFace. 463 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,726 But you gotta promise me to finger tag me back. 464 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:57,016 - I'd like nothing more. 465 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,906 - What is this? 466 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,742 - This is your zero dollars present. 467 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,996 ♪ Doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, my friend is Jack ♪ 468 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,582 ♪ ir you like his necktie, Pat him on the back ♪ 469 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,626 Nope. Never mind. Not your present. 470 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,587 - Uh, no, please. Don't go. 471 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,673 Uh, I'm sorry that I wasn't even able to 472 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,509 feign interest in whatever that was. 473 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,095 Nancy left this morning. 474 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,306 She'll be on the 12:10 out of Penn station. 475 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,810 Do you ever wonder, Lemon, what your life would be like 476 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,895 if you had never left your hometown? 477 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,188 - Oh, of course. 478 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,083 Have you not read my terrible short story, 479 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,858 the two paths of Virginia apple? 480 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,860 - I spent my whole life 481 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,472 trying to erase where I came from. 482 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,115 But after these moments with Nancy, 483 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,867 for the first time in my life, 484 00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,452 I'm homesick. 485 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,144 - Well, you'll stay in touch, right? 486 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,581 - I don't know. 487 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,834 Nancy's going back to her husband, her life. 488 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,627 I think this was just a moment in time 489 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,463 and I just wish it had lasted a little bit longer. 490 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,468 - Okay, well. 491 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,431 I'm gonna go work on your real gift. 492 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,767 You know what would go real nice on that wall over there: 493 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,811 A drawing of a frog. 494 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,605 - No. - No. 495 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:26,606 No. 496 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:30,192 - Back in five, four, 497 00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:33,613 three, two... 498 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,452 - ♪ Frosted window panes 499 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,662 ♪ candles gleaming inside 500 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:46,042 ♪ painted candy canes on the tree ♪ 501 00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,753 ♪ Santa's on his way 502 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:52,423 ♪ he's filled his sleigh with things ♪ 503 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,259 ♪ things for you and me 504 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,011 - ♪ it's that time or year 505 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,430 ♪ when the world ralls in love ♪ 506 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:03,267 - ♪ every song you hear seems to say ♪ 507 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,895 Both: ♪merry Christmas 508 00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:11,734 ♪ may your new year's dreams come true ♪ 509 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:17,448 ♪ 510 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,033 - Hey, Jack. 511 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,576 My train got cancelled. 512 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,108 I spent all day at Penn station 513 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,454 trying to get out. 514 00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,226 Figured I should finally take the hint 515 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,536 and meet ya for that drink. 516 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:30,336 - Well, I'm glad you came back. 517 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,923 - And I figured I owed you a kiss good-bye. 518 00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:35,925 I mean, what's the big deal? 519 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,737 We did it every night in hey, beantown. 520 00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:41,180 We'll just do it high school style. 521 00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,849 No tongue. 522 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,528 - ♪And this song or mine 523 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,363 ♪ In three-quarter time ♪ 524 00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,324 - ♪wishes you and yours 525 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,327 both: ♪the same thing too 526 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:07,790 - merry Christmas, Lemon. 527 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,130 - The gender blind crucible. 528 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,006 - Framed in wood from the Stage 529 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:17,359 of your high school theater. 530 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,135 Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania 531 00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:21,429 and I did not reimburse him for gas. 532 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:22,722 Zero dollars. 533 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,682 - Thank you, Jack. That's amazing. 534 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,334 - And don't worry about my present. 535 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,577 I already got the greatest Christmas gift 536 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,601 you could imagine. 537 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,688 Nancy came back to say good-bye. 538 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,022 Her train was cancelled. 539 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,954 - Because somebody called in a bomb threat 540 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,234 to Penn station? 541 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,569 You're welcome. 542 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,238 Merry Christmas. 543 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,885 - All right, which one of you are Frank Rossitano 544 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:44,909 and James Spurlock? 545 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,138 - That's us. - They are we. 546 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,122 - You're under arrest. - What did we do? 547 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,832 - Someone called in a bomb threat 548 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,625 from your phone this morning. 549 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,461 - I renounce Verdukianism! 550 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,795 - What's that mean? 551 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,256 Are you Al qaeda? Come here, pal! 552 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,887 Watch the head! 553 00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,890 - My angry god is punishing them. 554 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:08,058 It's a Christmas miracle. 555 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,436 - ♪And this song or mine 556 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:12,480 ♪ in three-quarter time 557 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,024 both: ♪wishes you and yours 558 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:19,195 ♪ the same thing too 559 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:24,033 both: ♪merry Christmas to you ♪ 560 00:21:34,335 --> 00:21:35,419 - Are you Larry Wilcox? 561 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,128 - Yes, ma'am. 562 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:37,700 This evening, you have permission 563 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,882 to call me officer John Baker. 564 00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:43,469 Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun. 565 00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:45,513 - Of course, yeah. 566 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:49,099 - Merry Christmas, Lemon. 567 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,268 - Okay. 568 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,560 Hee hee hee! 569 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:54,688 Wait, how is this zero dollars? 570 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,399 - Well, he promised to get me on dancing with the stars. 571 00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:00,945 - But that's on ABC. 572 00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:02,988 - Donaghy!