1 00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:05,422 - And side. Excellent. Keep those cores strong. 2 00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:07,591 Three, two, let's take it overhead on one... 3 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,473 This is a classic, pre-war 4 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:15,765 one-bedroom, one-bath... 5 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:16,975 - what? 6 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,853 - Oh. The cleaning lady's here. 7 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,605 Please come back later. No Polish. 8 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,440 - I live here. What're you doing? 9 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,026 - Oh. Haven't you heard? The building's going condo. 10 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,946 If you're planning on buying, I'm Wendy. We should talk. 11 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,438 - Well, I'm not buying, and they can't just kick me out. 12 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,034 - No, they can't, but they can hike your rent up. 13 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,245 Way up. 14 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,657 Let me show you the bedroom. 15 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:38,806 - Jack will tell you what to do next. 16 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:39,540 - What? 17 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:40,831 - Thanks, Cindy. 18 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:45,170 All right, now we're gonna work those glutes. 19 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,133 Hey, do you have a minute? 20 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:51,778 - Good god, Lemon, have you seen this? 21 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,680 As I'm sure you've concluded from the headline, 22 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,252 Don Geiss's estranged son Bertram 23 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:57,715 is suing his half-sister Kathy 24 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,655 for control of the Geiss family trust fund. 25 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,980 - They could've done, "Geiss screams, son pay!" 26 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,482 You know, like, ice cream sundae. 27 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,985 - This makes me sick to my stomach, Lemon. 28 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,655 Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor, a great man. 29 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,633 Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking... 30 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:14,657 He invented that. 31 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,242 - I don't think... - And now... 32 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,579 He's being publicly humiliated by his own family. 33 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,164 This is why I'm glad I never had children, 34 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,541 and why I never will. 35 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,293 - Oh, Jack, you don't mean that. 36 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,045 - Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational Segway. 37 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,422 Talk about your thing now. 38 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:32,426 - Okay, well, um, my building is going condo. 39 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,427 - And they're trying to drive the renters out? 40 00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:34,904 Are you going to buy your place? 41 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,948 - Well, I love my building, but if I'm gonna buy a place 42 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,516 it should be a big place where I can have a family. 43 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,536 - Then spend some of your dealbreakers money. 44 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,269 Buy two apartments. 45 00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:43,561 - What? 46 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,039 - You know why my place is so big? 47 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,543 When I was first married to my ex-wife we were in the basement. 48 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,488 Over the years I kept buying the floors above me 49 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,878 to make room for the family I thought we'd have. 50 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,363 Well, now I have something better than a family. 51 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,365 A walk-in humidor, a lap pool, 52 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,368 and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born. 53 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,912 - Well, I'm not rich, Jack. - You're doing okay. 54 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,640 And this could be your dream apartment. 55 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,291 Sniff around your upstairs neighbor, 56 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,168 see if he's planning to leave. 57 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,687 If he's not, make him an offer he can't refuse. 58 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,380 Trademark 1974, Don Geiss. 59 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,382 - What, like, bribe him? 60 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:13,717 - I know this sounds ugly, 61 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,486 but with Manhattan real estate there are no rules. 62 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:19,014 It's like check-in at an Italian airport. 63 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:30,150 ♪ ♪ 64 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:47,292 Oh, my god! Frank! 65 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,728 Were you gonna pee in that jar? 66 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087 - I didn't know anyone was here. 67 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,631 - That's what you use the jars for? 68 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,299 You told me that was sun tea. 69 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,552 - Some of them are sun tea, 70 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,597 and some of them were sun tea. 71 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,432 - Ugh... 72 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,267 Do you know about this? 73 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,144 - We have a gentleman's agreement. 74 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,314 He gets the jars, and in return he's agreed 75 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,442 to let a Yale sweatshirt be our designated fart dampener. 76 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,361 - What is wrong with you guys? 77 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:18,073 What would it be like if Cerie and Sue and I were not here? 78 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,550 - We'd have a room dog named Meatus. 79 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,117 - I'd take my pants off and eat chicken wings. 80 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:26,248 - Shut it down. Throw away the jars. 81 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,892 - Fine, but I'm gonna recycle them, 82 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,686 and then one day as you drink some apple juice, 83 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,378 you'll wonder, "where has this jar been?" 84 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:35,048 - I will fight my sister tooth and nail to get what I deserve 85 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:39,469 because I, Bertram Geiss, am still daddy's fancy boy. 86 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,971 - After the deposition, 87 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,432 Kathy Geiss's lawyer offered this rebuttal. 88 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:49,312 - My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends? 89 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,148 - Mr. Donaghy, you wanted to see me? 90 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,149 - Kenneth, I have a task for you. 91 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:53,441 - Is it menial? 92 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,527 - As part of NBC's annual green week initiative, 93 00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,738 TGS has to reduce its carbon footprint. 94 00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,629 I'm putting you in charge of that effort. 95 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:02,075 - Global warming, sir? 96 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,494 I'm sorry, that's just a bunch of scientist talk. 97 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,204 Same people who'd have you believe 98 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,999 that my great-grandfather was a monkey. 99 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:12,252 If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey? 100 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,337 - You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. 101 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,629 I mean, I love the earth. 102 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,174 I have these rare Kadupul blossoms 103 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:20,093 flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. 104 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,710 That's the definition of green. 105 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,168 And yet they force us to do more. 106 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,350 More sacrifices. Why? For the children. 107 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,102 What have children ever done for us? 108 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,022 - Well, they make our shoes and wallets. 109 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:36,359 - I need a 5% reduction of energy use across the board. 110 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:37,754 - I'll do it if you insist, sir. 111 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:43,325 But I'm gonna be grumpy until the end of this sentence. 112 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,378 - Hi, I'm Liz, and I live right below you. 113 00:04:55,670 --> 00:05:00,217 - Oh, my god. I'm Brian. Come in. 114 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,219 - Wow, this place is great. 115 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,220 - Isn't it? 116 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,388 New kitchen, original molding, 117 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,391 and I have a view because that dentist blew up his townhouse. 118 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,310 So... you gonna try and bribe me 119 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,604 like the rest of these yuppie bottom feeders? 120 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,650 - What? No. Bribe? People do that? 121 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,142 - Yeah, well, the guy above me 122 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,320 offered me ten grand to move out. 123 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,113 - That's a lot. 124 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,405 - It's obscene. 125 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,866 This neighborhood used to be real. 126 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,161 Now it's all chain stores and fancy restaurants. 127 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,705 - Yeah, we cool people got to hold our ground. 128 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,958 Fight the man. Michael Moore, et cetera. 129 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,668 Is that a working fireplace? 130 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,586 - Yeah, but it's kind of annoying. 131 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,878 I can't shut the flue, 132 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,632 so the apartment smells like Burger King all day 133 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,802 and cinnabon all night. 134 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,930 - Yeah, I just came up here to make sure you're staying. 135 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:50,016 Ruining things for those creeps who are trying 136 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:53,687 to make duplexes for their imaginary children, 137 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:57,023 and their imaginary husband, astronaut Mike Dexter. 138 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,733 - So what's your plan? 139 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:03,864 - I don't know. Just figure something out, I guess. 140 00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,074 - Look, what if we team up? 141 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,450 - What do you mean? 142 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,302 - I can't afford to stay here on my own, 143 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,371 and based on your shoes and teeth, 144 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:12,807 I'm guessing you can't either, 145 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,583 so why don't we move in together? 146 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,501 - Uh-huh. 147 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:17,895 - I mean, you'd have to give up your place 148 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:18,938 'cause this is the two-bedroom. 149 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,672 - There's two of them? 150 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,382 Oh! - Is that bad? 151 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,674 Oh, god. 152 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,597 - So now you're your own upstairs neighbor. 153 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,931 What's the plan? 154 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,103 - Well, I'm gonna pretend to move in with Brian, 155 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,435 somehow drive him out, 156 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,647 then buy both places and make my dream apartment. 157 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,980 - Wow. 158 00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:39,774 That sounds like something I'd come up with if I was smarter. 159 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,568 - I know, I'm terrible. 160 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,028 But Brian sucks. 161 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,131 He doesn't have a TV and he wears political t-shirts. 162 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,656 - Don't feel guilty for a second. 163 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,148 This is Manhattan real estate. 164 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:48,909 There are no rules. 165 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,827 Like check-in at an Italian sex party. 166 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,239 I mean, do you know how long 167 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:52,913 I've been waiting for the lady next door 168 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:54,623 to finally join her husband in hell? 169 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,917 Hello, Mrs. Gerstein. 170 00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,710 - Oh, my heart... 171 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,547 Is getting stronger every day. 172 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,716 - Oh, you ancient bitch! 173 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,648 But you've already got a foot in the door. 174 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:07,963 Here's what you're gonna do. 175 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:08,887 Do you remember that horrible roommate 176 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:09,596 you had back in Chicago? 177 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,097 - You mean you? 178 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,058 - I know it's my turn to do the dishes, 179 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,684 but I'm in character, 180 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:19,898 and if you make me do the dishes I will kill myself! 181 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,209 - You drove a lot of guys out of that third bedroom. 182 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,944 - Because guys hate drama. 183 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,696 And I'm gonna teach you how to be a drama queen. 184 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:27,988 And if I fail, 185 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:32,869 I'm gonna take a bunch of pills, and it's gonna be your fault! 186 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,122 Still got it. 187 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,061 - Lemon, I just want to make sure 188 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,395 you're not making any jokes about Don Geiss this week. 189 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,128 - Don't worry, Jack. 190 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,630 Our topical cold open is about 191 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:47,759 Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress. 192 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,051 Tracy. 193 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,012 - What's up, Donaghy? 194 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,139 - Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit? 195 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,017 - It's "take your black kid to work day." 196 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,478 Do you ever regret having children? 197 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,105 - Every day. 198 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:03,400 I thought having a family was gonna be like the Cosby show. 199 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,402 Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert! 200 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,863 Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes! 201 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,573 The Cosby show was a lie. 202 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,134 Having a family can be the worst. 203 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,911 For example, I have this strip club story 204 00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,043 from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. 205 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,833 It is disgusting. 206 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,627 But I can't because I got this little d-bag, here. 207 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:23,628 - I know what that means. 208 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,546 - And yet you won't tell me. 209 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,840 - I've been thinking a lot about family lately, 210 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:27,674 about my legacy. 211 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,010 I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal 212 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:31,821 with his children, and it has only affirmed 213 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,972 that I was not meant to have any of my own 214 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:34,973 and that I never will. 215 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,725 - It's not that simple. 216 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,285 Now, what if a girl tries to trap you 217 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,520 like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip? 218 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,356 Bitches can be tricky. 219 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,126 I'm going to get some strawberry milk. 220 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,150 - Tracy Jr.'s right. 221 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,571 There's only one way to really take children off the table. 222 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,948 I'm going to get a vasectomy. 223 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,868 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, that's a big decision! 224 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,371 Having a family is also the best thing a man could... 225 00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,663 He's gone. 226 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,373 So my story. 227 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,332 So I'm in the strip club 228 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,935 with Charles barkley and one of the hobbits. 229 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:03,460 - Hey, daddy. 230 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,503 - Damn it! I can't live like this! 231 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,381 I'm getting a vasectomy too! 232 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,884 Excuse me, miss Maroney. 233 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,386 - Kenneth, I'm doing my kegels right now. What is it? 234 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:14,918 - Well, I've been put in charge 235 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,323 of reducing TGS's carbon footprint. 236 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,467 And everyone has to chip in. 237 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,392 - Kenneth, I once took a low-volume shower 238 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:20,684 with ed begley Jr. 239 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:21,935 What more can I do? 240 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:22,604 - Well, let's see. 241 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,691 Minka Kelly says, "my show is about football." 242 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,627 "There's a football team called the chargers. 243 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,651 Unplug your chargers." 244 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,696 - But Kenneth, I need all of these. 245 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,148 This one's for my cell phone, this one's for my laptop, 246 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,534 this one's for my erotic massager, 247 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:41,331 and this one's for something personal. 248 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,709 - A vasectomy is a very serious decision. 249 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,420 I want to make sure you've both thought this through. 250 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:48,992 - I have, I've thought about it, 251 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:49,756 and I've decided that I don't want to have children. 252 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,384 - Family planning. And what about you, Tracy? 253 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:54,803 - The Cosby show lied to me. 254 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:58,431 I don't think there's a box for that on the form. 255 00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,850 Uh, what about "cheers lied to me"? 256 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,393 Okay. 257 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,121 Now, for the procedure you can choose 258 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,564 between local or general anesthesia. 259 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:07,565 I should warn you that general anesthesia 260 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,901 can cause powerful hallucinations. 261 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,778 So I highly recommend it. 262 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,531 I'll schedule both of you for the morning. 263 00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,218 Now, this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in, 264 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:20,870 because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you. 265 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,181 Until tomorrow, gentlemen. 266 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:27,836 We all see the little, black boy in the corner, right? 267 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,672 Okay. Whoo. 268 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,841 - Hey, Liz. 269 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,759 Made you a mailbox key. 270 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,887 - So is that all you have to say to me? 271 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,597 That's how you apologize? 272 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,598 - What? What did I do? 273 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,601 - What do you care? Whatever, Brian, I am over it! 274 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,645 - Over what? - It! 275 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:47,897 Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama? 276 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,693 You remind me of my father and my boyfriend! 277 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,404 Ugh! Are you listening to me? 278 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:55,696 Because if you are not, 279 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,842 I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway! 280 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,536 - Honey, you don't need to tell me how much men suck. 281 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,068 Sit down and tell me everything 282 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,998 while I make us raspberry mojitos. 283 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,791 - You're gay? 284 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,460 - Start from the beginning. What's this boyfriend's name? 285 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:12,255 - Astronaut Mike Dexter. 286 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,304 - Hi, Tracy. 287 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,877 I thought "take your black kid to work day" was yesterday. 288 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,559 - No, it's always a Wednesday. 289 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,311 - Brian is gay, Jenna. 290 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,323 The drama did not make him want to move out. 291 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:29,189 - Well, of course not. 292 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,773 Drama is like gay man Gatorade. 293 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,385 It replenishes their electrolytes. 294 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:33,776 - Damn it, he's never gonna leave. 295 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,112 - Trying to get someone to move out? 296 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,740 May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out? 297 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,825 Black person moved in, scared 'em off. 298 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,286 - Huh. That's not a bad idea, Tracy. 299 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,787 - I got a lot of good ideas. 300 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,372 Now if you'll excuse me, 301 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,104 I have to take my son to my vasectomy 302 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,126 because the Cosby show lied to me 303 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:56,049 and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story. 304 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,801 - Okay, let's go. 305 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,470 - Miss Lemon. 306 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,681 As I'm sure you know, it is green week, and NBC... 307 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,826 - oh, brother, are they actually gonna do something this year, 308 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,890 or are they just gonna put that stupid green peacock 309 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,730 in the corner of the screen? 310 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:14,609 - Actually, we're reducing TGS's carbon footprint. 311 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,569 And what you can do, miss Lemon, 312 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,738 is get rid of your office mini fridge. 313 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,750 - My mini fridge? What about my fresh fruit? 314 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,533 Flavored toaster cheesecakes? 315 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,370 - Oh, so I guess you can make other people give stuff up, 316 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,956 but you're too good to make a sacrifice yourself. 317 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,749 - Fine, I'll give up my mini fridge 318 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,585 because unlike Frank I am a good and decent person. 319 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,255 Is that my cell phone? 320 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:40,343 Oh, no, sorry. It's in my hand. 321 00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:41,761 - Count backwards from ten. 322 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:43,346 - Sure. I know how to do that. 323 00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:47,934 You lied to me, bill Cosby! You lied to me! 324 00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:51,813 Uh-oh, here comes my hallucination. 325 00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:01,072 - Denise. Vanessa? Sondra the boring one. 326 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,824 It's your father. 327 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,952 I'm having a Cosby show hallucination. 328 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,746 - Hey, dad. 329 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,198 - Theo, what's going on here? 330 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,625 Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again? 331 00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,627 Vanessa was supposed to be watching her 332 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,713 and not upstairs gossiping on the phone. 333 00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,464 - Who are Rudy and Vanessa? 334 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,758 - Your adorable sister and your sister. 335 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,095 I don't have any sisters, dad. 336 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,972 It's just us guys. 337 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,600 You know how it is when it's just us guys, right? 338 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,812 - That's why my life is not like the Cosby show. 339 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,399 I only have boys, and boys are disgusting! 340 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,652 I need a baby girl. 341 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,404 Don't patronize me! 342 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,740 Stop laughing! It's not funny! 343 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,702 I need a baby girl! Don't snip my vas deferens! 344 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,457 Looking... things! 345 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,792 - Hey, what're you doing home? 346 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,145 - Oh, just getting my computer. 347 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,588 Sorry, I forgot you'd be home now, Brian! 348 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,841 Elizabeth, I know you're in there. 349 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,133 - Oh, no. 350 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:06,220 It's my crazy black boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter. 351 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,182 - Better not be with a man! Even if he's gay! 352 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,518 - Mike, no, I don't even know why I'm letting you in 353 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,520 when you're in this unreasonable state. 354 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,689 Don't get angry and jealous, 355 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,359 even though Brian is the one who convinced me to move on. 356 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,527 - I'm gonna be coming by all the time, 357 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,447 gettin' jealous, takin' things out of context. 358 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:27,075 That dude Brian would be happier moving out! 359 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,160 - Okay, everybody just calm down. 360 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,828 - I feel angry! 361 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,166 Like Warren moon must've felt back in 1995! 362 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,668 - As I have told you many times during our relationship, 363 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,796 no one gets that reference. 364 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,090 - Oh, lord! 365 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,925 - NYPD! Stay on the ground! 366 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,052 - A gay hipster cop. 367 00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:51,432 You're an interesting guy, Brian. 368 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,101 - Look at this. 369 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,270 The Geiss name used to be synonymous with success, power, 370 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,815 funny incidents where women died at barbecues. 371 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,733 Now it's being dragged through the mud. 372 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,445 This is why I'm having a vasectomy. 373 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,531 - Yeah, but look at that picture. 374 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,825 He had some good times with his kids too. 375 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,411 That junk is priceless. 376 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:16,457 - Well, I'm glad I'm doing this. Very, very glad. 377 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,959 What are you working on now? 378 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,421 - I have to write an essay about my dad for school. 379 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:22,940 I wanted the cover to be one of those things 380 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:26,467 where each letter in his name stands for a word about him. 381 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,468 - That's called an "acrostic." 382 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,849 - An acrostic. Cool. Thanks for teaching me that. 383 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,059 - Yes, well, you're welcome. 384 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:39,564 Maybe I could help you with the grammar. 385 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,441 Why don't you read it to me? 386 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,652 - "T" is for terrific, "r" is for rad, 387 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,655 "a" is for awesome, 388 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,117 "c"... 'cause he's my dad. 389 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,912 - Damn you, Tracy Jr. 390 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,668 - Miss Lemon, your mini fridge is still in your office. 391 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,587 You made a promise to Masi Oka. 392 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,630 "Conserve electricity. 393 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,800 Don't be a zero, be a good guy." 394 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,719 Why doesn't that say "hero"? 395 00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,721 That feels like a real missed opportunity. 396 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:12,430 - I don't care. 397 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,074 If I can't have my adult apartment, 398 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,392 I will have my mini fridge. 399 00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:17,852 - Wow, Liz. 400 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,104 Don't you care about the environment? 401 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,082 - Shut up. What do you know about the environment? 402 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,984 Only everything. All: 403 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,904 - Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 404 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:33,075 the greenest person at TGS, Mr. Frank Rossitano. 405 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,994 All: 406 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,538 - He never wastes anything. 407 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,099 I've seen him eat food from the trash. 408 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,123 - What's a trash barrel 409 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,001 but a big salad bowl filled with trash? 410 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,921 - He never wastes water by doing his laundry. 411 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,464 - This shirt started out white. 412 00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,276 No, do not encourage this. 413 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,511 He pees in jars and leaves them around the office. 414 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:52,345 That's a health hazard. 415 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,972 - Come. Let me show you something. 416 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:55,932 - Don't talk to me like that. 417 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,864 You look like a turtle who lost its shell. 418 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,685 - Mr. Rossitano has actually been 419 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,646 emptying his jars out there. 420 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,565 - He's been pouring them out the window? 421 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,068 Oh, that is... 422 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,653 Beautiful. 423 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:09,945 - Miss Lemon, 424 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,574 TGS can reach its 5% goal in one of two ways. 425 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,493 You can give up your mini fridge, 426 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:20,748 or you can let Mr. Rossitano do his sun tea system. 427 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,543 - Just keep the door closed. 428 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,378 - Absolutely not. 429 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,968 - Wake up, Tracy! Wake up! 430 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,429 I don't want a vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman. 431 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,764 I need to go back in time. 432 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,976 Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T? 433 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,310 - You'll be fine, Tracy. 434 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,442 I didn't let Leo go through with the vasectomy. 435 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,982 - If a patient's friend runs into the operating room 436 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,817 and yells at you, you have to stop. 437 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:48,734 It's the doctor's code. 438 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,570 - Jackie D, I need a baby girl! 439 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,698 - Maybe one day our kids will play together. 440 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,449 I didn't have my vasectomy either. 441 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,410 Tracy, I want to have children. 442 00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:58,327 I want those memories, 443 00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,620 no matter what the cost. 444 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,472 And I have to pass on this head of hair. 445 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,902 - What made you change your mind? 446 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,001 - Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic. 447 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,973 - Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet 448 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,005 so I don't get hurt playing across! 449 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,297 Now, come on, 450 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,007 that's pretty solid for a guy 451 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:14,552 who just came out of an hallucination. 452 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,804 - Hey, how'd everything go with Dotcom? 453 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,139 - Terrible, actually. 454 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,098 - Well, what're you gonna do now? 455 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,808 - I give up. 456 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,769 I can't Jack, Jenna, or Tracy this guy out of the apartment. 457 00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,981 I'm out of... ideas. 458 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,462 - I got the apartment! 459 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,172 - You did? How? 460 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,257 - He moved out, and now it's mine. 461 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,069 - You didn't really answer my question. 462 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,217 - What? 463 00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:58,429 - What did you do? 464 00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,848 - You didn't! 465 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,576 - Manhattan real estate. No rules, right? 466 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,226 - You think I'm disgusting? 467 00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:06,646 I used the sun tea system to stop global warming. 468 00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:10,107 You used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment. 469 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:13,819 - I have no regrets! 470 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,614 No regrets! 471 00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,783 - Hey, Tracy. 472 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,327 Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story. 473 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:22,979 - Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter, 474 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,399 and I would never tell that story. 475 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,998 It's demeaning to women. 476 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:31,879 Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger. 477 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,928 - Good for you, sir. 478 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,530 Did you know that fluorescent light bulbs 479 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,306 last ten times longer than regular ones? 480 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,184 - Yup. And they only use one quarter of the power. 481 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,561 But if we're gonna solve the climate crisis, 482 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,293 we've got to change more than the light bulbs and the windows. 483 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:53,025 We've got to change the laws and the policies 484 00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:56,362 through collective political action on a large scale. 485 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:59,532 You know, there's an old African proverb that I made up. 486 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,118 If you want to go quickly, go alone. 487 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,912 If you want to go far, go together. 488 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,081 We need to go far. Quickly. 489 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,126 - Mr. Vice president. 490 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:12,378 The snack table isn't gonna clean itself. 491 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:16,549 - Look again, Kenneth. 492 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,926 - Well, that's not super helpful. 493 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,762 - Kenneth, encourage your lawmakers to take action, 494 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,931 and recycle everything. 495 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,266 Including jokes. 496 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,726 - I'm sorry, sir, what? 497 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,812 Quiet. 498 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,272 A whale is in trouble. 499 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,858 I have to go. 500 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,324 - Sir, I am happy to report that TGS 501 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,619 reduced its carbon footprint by 7%. 502 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,913 - Kenneth, I also want to do my part. 503 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,205 - You do? 504 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:49,832 - I may not have children anytime soon, 505 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,667 but when I do I want the earth here. 506 00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:56,172 That's why I've replaced my wasteful, imported flowers 507 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,675 with beautiful azaleas from our very own 30 rock terrace. 508 00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,219 - Oh, my. 509 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:03,864 - They're still sprinkled with morning dew, Kenneth. 510 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,890 Smell them. 511 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,268 Smell my flowers, Kenneth.