- And side. Excellent. Keep those cores strong.
Three, two, let's take it overhead on one...
This is a classic, pre-war
one-bedroom, one-bath...
- what?
- Oh. The cleaning lady's here.
Please come back later. No Polish.
- I live here. What're you doing?
- Oh. Haven't you heard? The building's going condo.
If you're planning on buying, I'm Wendy. We should talk.
- Well, I'm not buying, and they can't just kick me out.
- No, they can't, but they can hike your rent up.
Way up.
Let me show you the bedroom.
- Jack will tell you what to do next.
- What?
- Thanks, Cindy.
All right, now we're gonna work those glutes.
Hey, do you have a minute?
- Good god, Lemon, have you seen this?
As I'm sure you've concluded from the headline,
Don Geiss's estranged son Bertram
is suing his half-sister Kathy
for control of the Geiss family trust fund.
- They could've done, "Geiss screams, son pay!"
You know, like, ice cream sundae.
- This makes me sick to my stomach, Lemon.
Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor, a great man.
Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking...
He invented that.
- I don't think... - And now...
He's being publicly humiliated by his own family.
This is why I'm glad I never had children,
and why I never will.
- Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
- Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational Segway.
Talk about your thing now.
- Okay, well, um, my building is going condo.
- And they're trying to drive the renters out?
Are you going to buy your place?
- Well, I love my building, but if I'm gonna buy a place
it should be a big place where I can have a family.
- Then spend some of your dealbreakers money.
Buy two apartments.
- What?
- You know why my place is so big?
When I was first married to my ex-wife we were in the basement.
Over the years I kept buying the floors above me
to make room for the family I thought we'd have.
Well, now I have something better than a family.
A walk-in humidor, a lap pool,
and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.
- Well, I'm not rich, Jack. - You're doing okay.
And this could be your dream apartment.
Sniff around your upstairs neighbor,
see if he's planning to leave.
If he's not, make him an offer he can't refuse.
Trademark 1974, Don Geiss.
- What, like, bribe him?
- I know this sounds ugly,
but with Manhattan real estate there are no rules.
It's like check-in at an Italian airport.
♪ ♪
Oh, my god! Frank!
Were you gonna pee in that jar?
- I didn't know anyone was here.
- That's what you use the jars for?
You told me that was sun tea.
- Some of them are sun tea,
and some of them were sun tea.
- Ugh...
Do you know about this?
- We have a gentleman's agreement.
He gets the jars, and in return he's agreed
to let a Yale sweatshirt be our designated fart dampener.
- What is wrong with you guys?
What would it be like if Cerie and Sue and I were not here?
- We'd have a room dog named Meatus.
- I'd take my pants off and eat chicken wings.
- Shut it down. Throw away the jars.
- Fine, but I'm gonna recycle them,
and then one day as you drink some apple juice,
you'll wonder, "where has this jar been?"
- I will fight my sister tooth and nail to get what I deserve
because I, Bertram Geiss, am still daddy's fancy boy.
- After the deposition,
Kathy Geiss's lawyer offered this rebuttal.
- My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?
- Mr. Donaghy, you wanted to see me?
- Kenneth, I have a task for you.
- Is it menial?
- As part of NBC's annual green week initiative,
TGS has to reduce its carbon footprint.
I'm putting you in charge of that effort.
- Global warming, sir?
I'm sorry, that's just a bunch of scientist talk.
Same people who'd have you believe
that my great-grandfather was a monkey.
If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
- You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth.
I mean, I love the earth.
I have these rare Kadupul blossoms
flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet.
That's the definition of green.
And yet they force us to do more.
More sacrifices. Why? For the children.
What have children ever done for us?
- Well, they make our shoes and wallets.
- I need a 5% reduction of energy use across the board.
- I'll do it if you insist, sir.
But I'm gonna be grumpy until the end of this sentence.
- Hi, I'm Liz, and I live right below you.
- Oh, my god. I'm Brian. Come in.
- Wow, this place is great.
- Isn't it?
New kitchen, original molding,
and I have a view because that dentist blew up his townhouse.
So... you gonna try and bribe me
like the rest of these yuppie bottom feeders?
- What? No. Bribe? People do that?
- Yeah, well, the guy above me
offered me ten grand to move out.
- That's a lot.
- It's obscene.
This neighborhood used to be real.
Now it's all chain stores and fancy restaurants.
- Yeah, we cool people got to hold our ground.
Fight the man. Michael Moore, et cetera.
Is that a working fireplace?
- Yeah, but it's kind of annoying.
I can't shut the flue,
so the apartment smells like Burger King all day
and cinnabon all night.
- Yeah, I just came up here to make sure you're staying.
Ruining things for those creeps who are trying
to make duplexes for their imaginary children,
and their imaginary husband, astronaut Mike Dexter.
- So what's your plan?
- I don't know. Just figure something out, I guess.
- Look, what if we team up?
- What do you mean?
- I can't afford to stay here on my own,
and based on your shoes and teeth,
I'm guessing you can't either,
so why don't we move in together?
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, you'd have to give up your place
'cause this is the two-bedroom.
- There's two of them?
Oh! - Is that bad?
Oh, god.
- So now you're your own upstairs neighbor.
What's the plan?
- Well, I'm gonna pretend to move in with Brian,
somehow drive him out,
then buy both places and make my dream apartment.
- Wow.
That sounds like something I'd come up with if I was smarter.
- I know, I'm terrible.
But Brian sucks.
He doesn't have a TV and he wears political t-shirts.
- Don't feel guilty for a second.
This is Manhattan real estate.
There are no rules.
Like check-in at an Italian sex party.
I mean, do you know how long
I've been waiting for the lady next door
to finally join her husband in hell?
Hello, Mrs. Gerstein.
- Oh, my heart...
Is getting stronger every day.
- Oh, you ancient bitch!
But you've already got a foot in the door.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Do you remember that horrible roommate
you had back in Chicago?
- You mean you?
- I know it's my turn to do the dishes,
but I'm in character,
and if you make me do the dishes I will kill myself!
- You drove a lot of guys out of that third bedroom.
- Because guys hate drama.
And I'm gonna teach you how to be a drama queen.
And if I fail,
I'm gonna take a bunch of pills, and it's gonna be your fault!
Still got it.
- Lemon, I just want to make sure
you're not making any jokes about Don Geiss this week.
- Don't worry, Jack.
Our topical cold open is about
Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress.
Tracy.
- What's up, Donaghy?
- Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
- It's "take your black kid to work day."
Do you ever regret having children?
- Every day.
I thought having a family was gonna be like the Cosby show.
Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert!
Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes!
The Cosby show was a lie.
Having a family can be the worst.
For example, I have this strip club story
from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D.
It is disgusting.
But I can't because I got this little d-bag, here.
- I know what that means.
- And yet you won't tell me.
- I've been thinking a lot about family lately,
about my legacy.
I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal
with his children, and it has only affirmed
that I was not meant to have any of my own
and that I never will.
- It's not that simple.
Now, what if a girl tries to trap you
like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip?
Bitches can be tricky.
I'm going to get some strawberry milk.
- Tracy Jr.'s right.
There's only one way to really take children off the table.
I'm going to get a vasectomy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, that's a big decision!
Having a family is also the best thing a man could...
He's gone.
So my story.
So I'm in the strip club
with Charles barkley and one of the hobbits.
- Hey, daddy.
- Damn it! I can't live like this!
I'm getting a vasectomy too!
Excuse me, miss Maroney.
- Kenneth, I'm doing my kegels right now. What is it?
- Well, I've been put in charge
of reducing TGS's carbon footprint.
And everyone has to chip in.
- Kenneth, I once took a low-volume shower
with ed begley Jr.
What more can I do?
- Well, let's see.
Minka Kelly says, "my show is about football."
"There's a football team called the chargers.
Unplug your chargers."
- But Kenneth, I need all of these.
This one's for my cell phone, this one's for my laptop,
this one's for my erotic massager,
and this one's for something personal.
- A vasectomy is a very serious decision.
I want to make sure you've both thought this through.
- I have, I've thought about it,
and I've decided that I don't want to have children.
- Family planning. And what about you, Tracy?
- The Cosby show lied to me.
I don't think there's a box for that on the form.
Uh, what about "cheers lied to me"?
Okay.
Now, for the procedure you can choose
between local or general anesthesia.
I should warn you that general anesthesia
can cause powerful hallucinations.
So I highly recommend it.
I'll schedule both of you for the morning.
Now, this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in,
because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you.
Until tomorrow, gentlemen.
We all see the little, black boy in the corner, right?
Okay. Whoo.
- Hey, Liz.
Made you a mailbox key.
- So is that all you have to say to me?
That's how you apologize?
- What? What did I do?
- What do you care? Whatever, Brian, I am over it!
- Over what? - It!
Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama?
You remind me of my father and my boyfriend!
Ugh! Are you listening to me?
Because if you are not,
I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!
- Honey, you don't need to tell me how much men suck.
Sit down and tell me everything
while I make us raspberry mojitos.
- You're gay?
- Start from the beginning. What's this boyfriend's name?
- Astronaut Mike Dexter.
- Hi, Tracy.
I thought "take your black kid to work day" was yesterday.
- No, it's always a Wednesday.
- Brian is gay, Jenna.
The drama did not make him want to move out.
- Well, of course not.
Drama is like gay man Gatorade.
It replenishes their electrolytes.
- Damn it, he's never gonna leave.
- Trying to get someone to move out?
May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out?
Black person moved in, scared 'em off.
- Huh. That's not a bad idea, Tracy.
- I got a lot of good ideas.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to take my son to my vasectomy
because the Cosby show lied to me
and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.
- Okay, let's go.
- Miss Lemon.
As I'm sure you know, it is green week, and NBC...
- oh, brother, are they actually gonna do something this year,
or are they just gonna put that stupid green peacock
in the corner of the screen?
- Actually, we're reducing TGS's carbon footprint.
And what you can do, miss Lemon,
is get rid of your office mini fridge.
- My mini fridge? What about my fresh fruit?
Flavored toaster cheesecakes?
- Oh, so I guess you can make other people give stuff up,
but you're too good to make a sacrifice yourself.
- Fine, I'll give up my mini fridge
because unlike Frank I am a good and decent person.
Is that my cell phone?
Oh, no, sorry. It's in my hand.
- Count backwards from ten.
- Sure. I know how to do that.
You lied to me, bill Cosby! You lied to me!
Uh-oh, here comes my hallucination.
- Denise. Vanessa? Sondra the boring one.
It's your father.
I'm having a Cosby show hallucination.
- Hey, dad.
- Theo, what's going on here?
Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again?
Vanessa was supposed to be watching her
and not upstairs gossiping on the phone.
- Who are Rudy and Vanessa?
- Your adorable sister and your sister.
I don't have any sisters, dad.
It's just us guys.
You know how it is when it's just us guys, right?
- That's why my life is not like the Cosby show.
I only have boys, and boys are disgusting!
I need a baby girl.
Don't patronize me!
Stop laughing! It's not funny!
I need a baby girl! Don't snip my vas deferens!
Looking... things!
- Hey, what're you doing home?
- Oh, just getting my computer.
Sorry, I forgot you'd be home now, Brian!
Elizabeth, I know you're in there.
- Oh, no.
It's my crazy black boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter.
- Better not be with a man! Even if he's gay!
- Mike, no, I don't even know why I'm letting you in
when you're in this unreasonable state.
Don't get angry and jealous,
even though Brian is the one who convinced me to move on.
- I'm gonna be coming by all the time,
gettin' jealous, takin' things out of context.
That dude Brian would be happier moving out!
- Okay, everybody just calm down.
- I feel angry!
Like Warren moon must've felt back in 1995!
- As I have told you many times during our relationship,
no one gets that reference.
- Oh, lord!
- NYPD! Stay on the ground!
- A gay hipster cop.
You're an interesting guy, Brian.
- Look at this.
The Geiss name used to be synonymous with success, power,
funny incidents where women died at barbecues.
Now it's being dragged through the mud.
This is why I'm having a vasectomy.
- Yeah, but look at that picture.
He had some good times with his kids too.
That junk is priceless.
- Well, I'm glad I'm doing this. Very, very glad.
What are you working on now?
- I have to write an essay about my dad for school.
I wanted the cover to be one of those things
where each letter in his name stands for a word about him.
- That's called an "acrostic."
- An acrostic. Cool. Thanks for teaching me that.
- Yes, well, you're welcome.
Maybe I could help you with the grammar.
Why don't you read it to me?
- "T" is for terrific, "r" is for rad,
"a" is for awesome,
"c"... 'cause he's my dad.
- Damn you, Tracy Jr.
- Miss Lemon, your mini fridge is still in your office.
You made a promise to Masi Oka.
"Conserve electricity.
Don't be a zero, be a good guy."
Why doesn't that say "hero"?
That feels like a real missed opportunity.
- I don't care.
If I can't have my adult apartment,
I will have my mini fridge.
- Wow, Liz.
Don't you care about the environment?
- Shut up. What do you know about the environment?
Only everything. All:
- Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
the greenest person at TGS, Mr. Frank Rossitano.
All:
- He never wastes anything.
I've seen him eat food from the trash.
- What's a trash barrel
but a big salad bowl filled with trash?
- He never wastes water by doing his laundry.
- This shirt started out white.
No, do not encourage this.
He pees in jars and leaves them around the office.
That's a health hazard.
- Come. Let me show you something.
- Don't talk to me like that.
You look like a turtle who lost its shell.
- Mr. Rossitano has actually been
emptying his jars out there.
- He's been pouring them out the window?
Oh, that is...
Beautiful.
- Miss Lemon,
TGS can reach its 5% goal in one of two ways.
You can give up your mini fridge,
or you can let Mr. Rossitano do his sun tea system.
- Just keep the door closed.
- Absolutely not.
- Wake up, Tracy! Wake up!
I don't want a vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman.
I need to go back in time.
Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T?
- You'll be fine, Tracy.
I didn't let Leo go through with the vasectomy.
- If a patient's friend runs into the operating room
and yells at you, you have to stop.
It's the doctor's code.
- Jackie D, I need a baby girl!
- Maybe one day our kids will play together.
I didn't have my vasectomy either.
Tracy, I want to have children.
I want those memories,
no matter what the cost.
And I have to pass on this head of hair.
- What made you change your mind?
- Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
- Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet
so I don't get hurt playing across!
Now, come on,
that's pretty solid for a guy
who just came out of an hallucination.
- Hey, how'd everything go with Dotcom?
- Terrible, actually.
- Well, what're you gonna do now?
- I give up.
I can't Jack, Jenna, or Tracy this guy out of the apartment.
I'm out of... ideas.
- I got the apartment!
- You did? How?
- He moved out, and now it's mine.
- You didn't really answer my question.
- What?
- What did you do?
- You didn't!
- Manhattan real estate. No rules, right?
- You think I'm disgusting?
I used the sun tea system to stop global warming.
You used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment.
- I have no regrets!
No regrets!
- Hey, Tracy.
Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story.
- Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter,
and I would never tell that story.
It's demeaning to women.
Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.
- Good for you, sir.
Did you know that fluorescent light bulbs
last ten times longer than regular ones?
- Yup. And they only use one quarter of the power.
But if we're gonna solve the climate crisis,
we've got to change more than the light bulbs and the windows.
We've got to change the laws and the policies
through collective political action on a large scale.
You know, there's an old African proverb that I made up.
If you want to go quickly, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
We need to go far. Quickly.
- Mr. Vice president.
The snack table isn't gonna clean itself.
- Look again, Kenneth.
- Well, that's not super helpful.
- Kenneth, encourage your lawmakers to take action,
and recycle everything.
Including jokes.
- I'm sorry, sir, what?
Quiet.
A whale is in trouble.
I have to go.
- Sir, I am happy to report that TGS
reduced its carbon footprint by 7%.
- Kenneth, I also want to do my part.
- You do?
- I may not have children anytime soon,
but when I do I want the earth here.
That's why I've replaced my wasteful, imported flowers
with beautiful azaleas from our very own 30 rock terrace.
- Oh, my.
- They're still sprinkled with morning dew, Kenneth.
Smell them.
Smell my flowers, Kenneth.