1 00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:16,558 - I wrote that! 2 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,435 I'm Liz Lemon. 3 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,067 "If your man is over 30, 4 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,402 "and still wears a nametag to work, 5 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:28,320 that's a dealbreaker." 6 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,280 But not you, Mike. 7 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:31,865 That's not you. 8 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:35,118 Mike, leave my cutout alone. 9 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,745 Oh! Okay. 10 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:37,621 Oh! Yeah. 11 00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,831 Okay, you know, I'm gonna do the same thing 12 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,123 to your cutout. 13 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,410 Oh, wait, you don't have one, 14 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,835 because you're nobody. 15 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,337 Ow! 16 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:51,260 Blam-o! Another successful interaction with a man! 17 00:00:54,555 --> 00:01:01,353 ♪ ♪ 18 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,324 - Yes, Mr. Geiss, of course. 19 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:16,243 Well, I'll only be in D.C. for the day, 20 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,495 but if I find time, I'll be sure to go see 21 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:19,997 Fonzie's jacket. 22 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,166 You sit on it as well. 23 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:24,519 - Hey, if you're going to D.C., 24 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:27,129 I lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip. 25 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,648 - What can I do for you, Lemon? 26 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,843 - Well, I wanted to give you a copy of my book. 27 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,053 They used your blurb. 28 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,348 - "Lemon numbers among my employees." 29 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,351 - Sir, your bus to Washington leaves in half an hour. 30 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,270 - You're taking a bus? - I have to. 31 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,998 Ever since these buffoons from Detroit 32 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,064 took private planes, 33 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:47,709 the rest of us have to put on a show. 34 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,443 And now, your president... Who, by the way, 35 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,403 is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes, 36 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,864 has created an industry task force 37 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:55,556 for microwaves and small appliances. 38 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:58,702 - Why? Do you need to be bailed out with my tax dollars? 39 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,471 - Even if they wanted to, I wanted take it. 40 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,039 It's corporate welfare, Lemon. 41 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,916 Granted, the microwave industry isn't what it used to be, 42 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:07,248 and the American love affair with the microwave oven 43 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,172 has cooled since its postwar heyday. 44 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,467 - ♪ And she told her daddy she was doin' the microwave ♪ 45 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,199 ♪ do the microwave, wah wah wah wah ♪ 46 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,470 ♪ do the microwave ♪ 47 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,264 ♪ do the microwave, waba gaba daba wah ♪ 48 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,557 - Did that happen? 49 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:22,059 - But, unlike Detroit, 50 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,269 we don't need handouts or regulation. 51 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:25,896 I'm gonna go down there, 52 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,773 talk circles around these hacks, 53 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,067 and catch the afternoon bus back to Chinatown. 54 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,069 Now, where was the last place 55 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,112 you remember having your retainer? 56 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,923 - I took it out to eat astronaut ice cream 57 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:37,699 at the air and space museum. 58 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,243 Air and space... 59 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,163 - If your man collects action figures, 60 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:44,455 that's a dealbreaker? 61 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,166 - What? Oh, yeah. 62 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,167 - Last weekend, I picked up this girl 63 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,219 after practicing jedi moves in prospect park. 64 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,336 - Also a dealbreaker. 65 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,482 - I took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike. 66 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,108 - As is that. - Snuck her inside, past my mom. 67 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:54,758 - Wow, that's four. 68 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,177 - She sees my mint-condition hellboy figurine 69 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,529 and starts quoting your dumb book! 70 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,598 - Yeah! Also, my girlfriend is mad. 71 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:02,891 In Canada. 72 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,434 - Ugh. 73 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,020 - Ms. Lemon, would it be all right 74 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,855 if I only worked 20 hours today? 75 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,024 I'm volunteering at an animal shelter later on. 76 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:11,650 - Oh, of course. 77 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,694 I didn't know you did volunteer work. 78 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:14,611 - Oh, yes. 79 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,239 I also help out at the pants for zoo animals program 80 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,156 and big brother. 81 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,926 - Really? I did big sister in college. 82 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,828 That little girl taught me how to use tampons. 83 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:23,662 - Oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated 84 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,372 with the mentoring program. 85 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,083 It's an organization that secretly watches people 86 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:32,254 and makes sure they're behaving properly. 87 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,551 - Liz, I don't if you saw the crawl 88 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:38,843 on the TV guide channel, 89 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,847 but I've agreed to star in a sexy, supernatural thriller 90 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,890 in the vein of twilight and true blood. 91 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:44,558 - Oh, that's good. 92 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,290 The vampire movies are hot right now. 93 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,156 - This is actually a werewolf picture that, 94 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,997 for tax reasons, is shooting in Iceland. 95 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,690 I play a moon scientist 96 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,984 who's trying to get to the bottom of things, 97 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:55,503 and who... Spoiler alert... 98 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,862 May herself be a werewolf. 99 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,448 We start shooting tonight. 100 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,366 - In Iceland? Tonight? - Mm-hmm. 101 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,498 - You can't leave. You have rehearsal tomorrow. 102 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,787 - Oh, well, why don't you get the new cast member 103 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,247 to cover for me? 104 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:08,790 - Wow. Okay. 105 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,169 Look, I know that you're mad about Jack's decision 106 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,546 to bring in another actor, and you want to punish me. 107 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:15,838 - Punish you? 108 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,048 Please, Liz. 109 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,049 I've just always wanted 110 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,177 to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland, 111 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,721 where I'm filling in last-minute for Victoria Beckham. 112 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,223 - Or we could sit down and talk about this like adults. 113 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,225 - Liz Lemon! You booger face! 114 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,603 I'm gonna kill you with a bazooka! 115 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,313 - Ow! 116 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:32,314 - I bought my wife that dumb book of yours, 117 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,667 and the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me. 118 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,011 - Well, maybe that's on you, tray. 119 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,527 - No, it's off me! 120 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,419 A book hasn't caused me this much trouble 121 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,657 since where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory. 122 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:47,162 It's on you Liz Lemon. And you will be punished. 123 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,126 - This'll take ten minutes. 124 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,754 Let's hit the meadowlands racetrack on the way home. 125 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,086 I've got a betting system based on horse penis size. 126 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:09,494 - Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives 127 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,186 routinely used company helicopters 128 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,758 to dry their home tennis courts? 129 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,773 - Yes, and no. Yes, that did happen. 130 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,399 No, it didn't not happen. 131 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,491 - And that G.E. kept a party clown on retainer 132 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:19,777 with a six-figure salary? 133 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,466 - When silly Willy's fee was amortized 134 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:22,840 over all birthdays companywide... 135 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:23,883 - I'm being told that company money 136 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,367 is being gambled at racetracks. 137 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:26,117 - Yes, but I have a system. 138 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:29,287 - In 2007, a G.E. officer used corporate funds 139 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,748 to throw a cabaret-themed Halloween party 140 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,166 on fire island. 141 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:34,578 - As I recall, that was you. 142 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,503 - Mr. Donaghy, I am overwhelmed 143 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,155 by the negligence and incompetence. 144 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,298 It is an affront to your shareholders 145 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:41,859 and, frankly, to the American people. 146 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,260 - Listen, Banks! 147 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:45,846 Mr. Banks, you go and tell your president 148 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,264 the truth. 149 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:48,574 We don't need the government 150 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:49,700 telling us how to run our industry. 151 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:50,767 - I've heard enough. 152 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,995 - Why do you have a gavel? This isn't the congress. 153 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,145 - I brought it from home. 154 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,612 - Congratulations, Liz Lemon. 155 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,656 Now Angie wants a break. 156 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,188 So instead of going to a hotel, 157 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,577 or my houseboat, which I cannot find, 158 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:09,494 I'm staying with the woman 159 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,580 that started this problem in the first place. 160 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,249 - What? No. Tracy, that is not fair. 161 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,421 - Oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway 162 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,710 with a reef shark in it. 163 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:18,503 Just put him in the tub with a reef. 164 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,463 What's for dinner tonight? 165 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,465 I want pierogies! 166 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,637 - Unfortunately, we're not gonna be able 167 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,806 to find homes for all these animals. 168 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,475 But, uh, you know, the most important thing 169 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,447 is that you not become emotionally attached 170 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,519 to any of them. 171 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,230 - I grew up on a pig farm, sir, 172 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,773 where all the animals, 173 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,545 even the birds that cleaned our teeth, 174 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,360 were workers, not pets. 175 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,279 I never even had a dog, 176 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,822 'cause, as my mom would say, 177 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,532 you can't eat love. 178 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,826 And as my mom's friend Ron would say, 179 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,078 "the donkey died. You're the donkey now, Kenneth." 180 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,203 Yep. 181 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,373 Just another animal. 182 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,250 Might as well be a rat. 183 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,752 An adorable rat, 184 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,503 who shows you it's okay to be scared 185 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:01,795 during a thunderstorm. 186 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,591 Why, it seems crazy to me 187 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,384 to even give a dog like this a name. 188 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,386 For example, bandit. 189 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,097 And that's Reggie, and up there is digger, 190 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,767 - okay, well, the dogs scheduled to be put down today 191 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,226 have red tags on them. 192 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,395 - I will adopt all of them. 193 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,189 - Jonathan, call Don Geiss' office 194 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,791 and les winkler in corporate communications. 195 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,692 Tell Susan Cunningham, Alan Junkin, Mark... 196 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:23,568 - Jack. 197 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,487 What took you so long? 198 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:26,881 - Banks, you son of a bitch. 199 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:31,368 - You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack. 200 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,453 Like... sashimi. Or pizza. 201 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,288 - You prefer cold pizza? 202 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,849 - The morning after, it's the best. 203 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,393 - Better than hot pizza? That's insane. 204 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,507 - You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like. 205 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,587 You don't tell me anything anymore, Jack! 206 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:47,467 It was a year ago that you kicked me to the curb. 207 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,636 I began plotting my revenge that very day. 208 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,808 I knew that I had to align myself with something 209 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,139 more powerful than G.E. 210 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,600 And since American idol is not on till January, 211 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,602 that left the United States government. 212 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,479 So I spent all last fall raising money, 213 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:02,524 worming my way into the obamas' inner circle. 214 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,693 Oh, my god, Malia, he did not say that! 215 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,277 Let's text him now. 216 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,821 After the election, 217 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,573 I could have had any ambassadorship I wanted. 218 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,243 Even to the world's gayest country, Ireland. 219 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,913 - Instead, I suggested that I take on this task force. 220 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,624 See, I had you in my sights the whole time. 221 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:20,625 Pyoong! 222 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,210 - What kind of gun was that? 223 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,586 - It's a laser gun. 224 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:24,462 It's unstoppable. 225 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:25,964 - You listen to me, Banks. 226 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,717 You keep your spray-tanned little hands off this company. 227 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,009 - Too late. 228 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,654 Your testimony's gonna make headlines 229 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,471 in every paper across the country tomorrow. 230 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:36,224 - But... it wasn't a public hearing. 231 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,516 - Oops. 232 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,882 Somebody must have "weaked" it. 233 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,645 - You did. You "weaked" it! 234 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,377 - Yeah! And I'm just getting started. 235 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,399 By the time I'm done, you're gonna make AIG 236 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,484 look like the lehman brothers of microwaves. 237 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,446 - You would destroy an entire company just to get me? 238 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,489 Think of the pensions, the employees, 239 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,783 the kittens we use to test microwave strength. 240 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,702 - Enjoy the view while you can, Jack. 241 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,204 You'll be here for about three days, tops. 242 00:08:58,496 --> 00:08:59,890 - Oh, that's all I'll need, Banks, you watch me. 243 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,666 I'll make this company profitable so fast, 244 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:02,998 the only headline will be, 245 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,296 "Donaghy saves G.E., marries your mom." 246 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:07,881 - See you in a couple days, Jack. 247 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,173 Pyoong! 248 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426 - Vvvvt. Laser shield. 249 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,149 - Tracy and Liz's residence. Tracy speaking. 250 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,761 - Tracy, it's Jenna. Is Liz there? 251 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,445 - It's Jenna, from work. 252 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,006 - Jenna, it's 2:00 in the morning. 253 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,030 What's going on? 254 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,436 - Night stalkers has encountered 255 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:35,742 some production speed bumps 256 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,354 that are complicating my schedule. 257 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,912 - Well, I need you back by Friday. 258 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,330 What kind of speed bumps? 259 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,622 - Well, Iceland appears 260 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,291 to have a different sun than america, 261 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,727 because this one is not setting. 262 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,462 - Ugh, yeah, of course, 'cause it's so far north. 263 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:48,421 - And you probably don't know this, 264 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,757 because you've never played a moonologist, 265 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,550 but werewolves only come out at night. 266 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,345 - Yes, I remember that from the thriller video. 267 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,637 - Too soon. 268 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,473 - Shh. What is your plan, Jenna? 269 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,605 - Well, evidently, as it gets later in the year 270 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:01,976 the sun will start to set. 271 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,908 I'm told tomorrow night we may get as much 272 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:04,854 as a minute of darkness. 273 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,981 - Really? So you're gonna shoot this movie 274 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,234 one minute at a time, just to punish me? 275 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:10,878 - Liz, I don't even know what you're talking about. 276 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,487 What new cast member? 277 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:13,905 - No, you... 278 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,241 D'oh! 279 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,533 - What's wrong, roomie? 280 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,720 - Well, two of my coworkers are driving me insane, 281 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,544 so I'm gonna kill them in their sleep tonight. 282 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,944 - Tracy and Liz's. Tracy speaking. 283 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,511 - Tracy, put Lemon on. 284 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:37,846 - Hello? 285 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,681 - Okay, as a single woman, 286 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,517 would you be more inclined to buy a new microwave 287 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,270 if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? 288 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,282 Before you answer, consider your loneliness. 289 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,357 - I'm hanging up now. 290 00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,321 - Now that we're all up, 291 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,216 you want to talk about the elephant in the room? 292 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,408 - No, I don't. 293 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,702 I don't even know why you brought that thing. 294 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,620 - I mean the figurative elephant! 295 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,330 Liz, I been reading your book. 296 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,374 Now I see why Angie's mad at me. 297 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,835 "If your man has seven cell phones, 298 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,647 "but won't give you any of the numbers, 299 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,213 that's a dealbreaker"? 300 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,090 "If your man owns a diamond necklace 301 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:17,719 that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker"! 302 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,721 Liz Lemon, every little thing I've done 303 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,514 is in here. 304 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,046 You used me to write your book! 305 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,810 - What? No, maybe some of it is inspired by you. 306 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,729 - You stole my life. 307 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:28,688 And you're gonna pay for it. 308 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:29,980 - Really? 309 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,148 You're gonna make my life 310 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,859 worse than it is right now, how? 311 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,824 - I'll take all of them. 312 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,619 - Tracy and Jenna are like children. 313 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,263 - And like children, you can't reason with them 314 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:45,287 when they're upset. 315 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,640 All you can do is turn the heat up, 316 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:47,944 pour some whisky in their juice, 317 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,459 and wait for sleep to save you. 318 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,769 - Well, that's not gonna work for me, 319 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,104 because Jenna is immune to whisky, 320 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,463 and Tracy is afraid of juice. 321 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,155 Oh, and not to add to your problems, 322 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,508 but Paula read your book. 323 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:58,468 Ow. 324 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,679 - Attention, creative types. Brainstorming session. 325 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:04,265 Let's try to stop mouth-breathing for one minute. 326 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,768 - What is this? 327 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,060 It's an idea. 328 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,313 An idea that started this company, 329 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:11,648 changed the way we live, 330 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:12,565 and made this country great. 331 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,817 This is Dinesh Mehta. 332 00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,153 He's a design engineer from the microwave division. 333 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,322 All Dinesh and I need from you 334 00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,325 is one idea that is as good as the light bulb. 335 00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:23,617 - What? 336 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,662 - I have two days to make people buy 337 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:26,954 a lot of microwaves. 338 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,323 - Well, it's kind of annoying 339 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,416 when you're microwaving, like, a burrito, 340 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,669 and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big. 341 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:36,005 It just gets caught against the sides 342 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,007 And the tray under it rotates, 343 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,884 but it doesn't rotate. 344 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,803 - Okay... bigger ovens. 345 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,930 Americans like big, yes. What else? 346 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,557 - What if microwaves broke down more easily, 347 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,935 so people would have to buy new ones more often? 348 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,479 - Yes, shoddier, excellent. 349 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,891 Bigger and not as well-made. 350 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,608 - Wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy 351 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,660 that almost destroyed the U.S. auto industry. 352 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,612 - This isn't the auto industry, Pete. 353 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,072 The auto industry was run 354 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,824 by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys 355 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,876 selling consumers a product they didn't want. 356 00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,369 We're G.E., damn it. 357 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:10,999 And we're gonna make a giant, flimsy microwave. 358 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:19,881 - Frank, I can't! 359 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,735 If I make it any bigger, the door will be too heavy. 360 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,846 - Fine! Forget it. 361 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,640 - Wait. 362 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:28,932 Say that again. 363 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,476 - I said forget it. 364 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,937 - For... get it. 365 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,731 Four smaller doors. 366 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,023 - Yes! - Yes! 367 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,442 We'll crack this yet. 368 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,444 - "We'll" crack this yet. 369 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,696 Wheel. Put wheels on it. 370 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,323 - Yeah! - Nice. 371 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:44,614 - Donaghy! 372 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,618 - Okay, it's go time. Are you ready? 373 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,230 - I'm in character and everything. 374 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,169 - All right, let's do this! The sun is setting! 375 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,459 We get one shot at this! - Thank you. 376 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:57,711 - And action! 377 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,630 - Claire, I'm sorry. 378 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,066 Which hand did I have the flashlight in 379 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:01,507 when we were inside? 380 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,760 - The right! You had it in the right. 381 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,637 - Thank you. 382 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,389 - Cut! 383 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,975 - Oh. Great day, everyone. 384 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,561 You guys are the real stars. 385 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,080 - Since I have neither the time Nor the energy 386 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,493 to even pretend that your situation is a real problem... 387 00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,453 - she doesn't like to refill the brita. 388 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,455 - I will cut the baby in half. 389 00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:33,849 - And I will take the top half. 390 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,458 For that is the part with the face. 391 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,144 - Lemon, you wrote about Tracy's life 392 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:37,627 for your own game. 393 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:40,046 Tracy should be allowed to use your life 394 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,381 as he sees fit. 395 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,832 I'll have Jonathan call legal 396 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,051 and get a life rights contract drawn up. 397 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,553 - Wait, what do you mean? Tracy will own my life story? 398 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:48,304 No. No. 399 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,390 What are you gonna do with my life story? 400 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,393 Something humiliating. 401 00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,770 Thank you, Jack. 402 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,040 - Thanks a lot, Jack. - It's your only move, Lemon. 403 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,441 Sometimes the way back up is down. 404 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,734 Let me tell you a story. 405 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,486 It's 1994. 406 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,696 I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse. 407 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,658 I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up. 408 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,451 So fighting every natural instinct, 409 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,745 doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, 410 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,539 I climbed down into the darkness. 411 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,582 And that's how I got out. 412 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,154 And when I got back to base camp, 413 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,002 I went and found my fellow climber, 414 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,713 the one who had cut me loose after I fell, 415 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,550 and I said, "Connie Chung, you did the right thing." 416 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,510 - Thank you. 417 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:28,802 - Climb down, Lemon. 418 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,389 Climb down. 419 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,599 - Hey, you're back. 420 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,101 - Yes. 421 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:36,769 Night stalkers is taking a brief, 422 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,438 permanent hiatus. 423 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,440 - Well, maybe now we can talk. 424 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,251 Jenna, I'm your friend, no matter what, 425 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,443 and I will always... 426 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,945 - oh, Liz, I would really love to do this. 427 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,557 But I have to go home for the day. 428 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:48,780 - Gotcha. 429 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:49,449 So you're sticking with 430 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,701 the passive-aggressive acting out. 431 00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,033 - No, it's not acting out. 432 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,579 I have Mercury poisoning 433 00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:59,333 from obsessively taking my rectal temperature. 434 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,502 - And cup holders. 435 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,504 Everyone loves cup holders. 436 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,590 - Okay, I've been up for the last 50 hours, 437 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,109 but I think this is a good idea. 438 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,843 Let's get rid of the oven entirely 439 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,495 and replace it with an am/fm radio. 440 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,804 - Yeah. - Hmm. 441 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,433 - Okay, it's a car. 442 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:19,145 We've invented the Pontiac aztec. 443 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,983 - Thank you, Subhas. 444 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,362 - You are the dealbreaker! 445 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,656 - Uhh. 446 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:34,868 Ohh. 447 00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,621 This is a bill. 448 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,794 Tracy. 449 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,546 Hey, roomie. 450 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,798 Did you order pay-per-view at my apartment? 451 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,383 - I'm willing to go splitsies. 452 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,028 - No! I'm not paying for any of this. 453 00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:53,638 You ordered six adult movies in two days. 454 00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:56,390 "The curious case of Benjamin butt." 455 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:57,682 Lovely. 456 00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,560 "I'ma do us"? What does that even mean? 457 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,896 - That's a pun on amadeus, dummy. 458 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,898 I will not be judged by you. 459 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,900 You caused this whole folderol. 460 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,419 Until you're adequately debased, 461 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:11,531 you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. 462 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:12,925 Oh, yeah, and I used your credit card 463 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,284 to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company. 464 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,056 - So you're saying once you figure out 465 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,245 how to get back at me, 466 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,790 you and the dogs will leave my apartment? 467 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:21,749 - Affirmative. 468 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,168 - I have to climb down... 469 00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:27,088 Into the darkness. 470 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,925 I know what you should do with my life rights. 471 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,927 Pete, keep tours out of the studio 472 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,219 for the next couple days. 473 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,240 I need you to build a set that looks like my apartment 474 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:37,984 and get all the hand sanitizer you can find. 475 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,451 - Wait, wait, why do you need... 476 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,019 - Tracy is producing a porno based on my life. 477 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,980 And I'm writing it. 478 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,901 - I didn't think it would end like this, Jonathan. 479 00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,654 Not with a bang, but with a whimper. 480 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,156 - A whimper indeed, Jack. 481 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,260 - I only came by to wish you luck 482 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:56,784 on your new venture. 483 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,494 What do you think that'll be? 484 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,871 Selling fake weed to NYU students? 485 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,849 - I'll have you know that Barry Diller and I 486 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,633 are working on a whole new approach to media, 487 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,753 combining all the digital... 488 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,630 God! Just let me drink. 489 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:10,631 - See you around, Jack. 490 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,800 Thanks for letting me be such a big part 491 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,510 of you hitting rock bottom, huh? 492 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,014 - Not yet, Banks. 493 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,558 I can go lower. 494 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,518 Into the crevasse. 495 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:24,520 - What? 496 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:25,932 - You played this all wrong. 497 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,566 You want to humiliate me? You want to destroy me? 498 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:30,335 You should have walked in here with a check. 499 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,028 - Again, what? 500 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,800 - Sure, maybe you've ruined my career. 501 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,489 Maybe you'll never see me again. 502 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:36,866 But if you had forced me 503 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,201 to take government bailout money, 504 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:40,493 you'd be my boss. 505 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,833 Oh, my. 506 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,044 You'd have to come down to Washington. 507 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,630 Report to me, like a little school boy... 508 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,548 Your hands sticky from candy. 509 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:53,883 - And the worst part is, 510 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:54,842 I wouldn't even want the money. 511 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,134 - No, you wouldn't. 512 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:57,470 Jack Donaghy taking welfare? 513 00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,482 It'd kill you. - With so many jobs at stake. 514 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,158 - You'd have to take it. I'd make you. 515 00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:02,182 I'd make you take it all. 516 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,031 - I'd roll over and let you give it to me. 517 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,146 - I'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay. 518 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,273 - No one is. It's just happening. 519 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,942 - One word to the president, and I own you. 520 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,611 I own this office. 521 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,489 I own that... Fancy little fellow outside. 522 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,574 It'd kill me. 523 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,066 But I'd do it for the company. 524 00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:24,997 - Hey, Sasha. Is your dad home? 525 00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:27,208 What? You have to invite everyone to your party? 526 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,752 Even Zach s.? 527 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,714 - Everyone settle. 528 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,217 And action. 529 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,803 - It's not just about the new cast member. 530 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,721 When you always put the show ahead of me, 531 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,973 it makes me feel like we're growing apart. 532 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,685 - Jenna... You're my friend. 533 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,812 No matter what. 534 00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,690 I will always look after you. 535 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,483 That's not going to change. 536 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,110 - Oh, Liz, 537 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:58,406 thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady. 538 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:04,829 - Okay... We should get out of here. 539 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,665 - Yeah, we should. 540 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:12,996 - Everything good with Tracy? 541 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,839 - Yeah... I think so. 542 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,008 And Jenna and Frank and even Subhas. 543 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,300 And you? 544 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,238 - I live to fight another day. But at what cost? 545 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,722 - Oh, boy, I know the feeling. 546 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:23,597 What a week, huh? 547 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,889 - Lemon, it's Wednesday. 548 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,600 But it's not all... 549 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:27,977 Bad news. 550 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,603 - My retainer. 551 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,523 Now my dad won't be mad at me. 552 00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:38,904 Ow! 553 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,196 Ow! 554 00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,782 Oooow! 555 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,576 Aaaah! 556 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:44,868 - Take it out, Lemon! 557 00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:48,289 You take it out, Donaghy! 558 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:50,249 - Everything good with Tracy? 559 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,918 - I think so, and Jenna too, and Frank, 560 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,670 and even Subhas. 561 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:55,962 And you? 562 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:57,673 - I live to fight another day. 563 00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:58,966 But at what cost? 564 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,926 - Boy, I know the feeling. 565 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,219 What a week, huh? 566 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,889 - Lemon, it's Wednesday. 567 00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:07,975 But it's not all bad news. 568 00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:10,770 - My retainer. 569 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:14,523 How will I ever thank you? 570 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,567 - And cut. This is disgusting. 571 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,319 Shut it down.