- I wrote that!
I'm Liz Lemon.
"If your man is over 30,
"and still wears a nametag to work,
that's a dealbreaker."
But not you, Mike.
That's not you.
Mike, leave my cutout alone.
Oh! Okay.
Oh! Yeah.
Okay, you know, I'm gonna do the same thing
to your cutout.
Oh, wait, you don't have one,
because you're nobody.
Ow!
Blam-o! Another successful interaction with a man!
♪ ♪
- Yes, Mr. Geiss, of course.
Well, I'll only be in D.C. for the day,
but if I find time, I'll be sure to go see
Fonzie's jacket.
You sit on it as well.
- Hey, if you're going to D.C.,
I lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.
- What can I do for you, Lemon?
- Well, I wanted to give you a copy of my book.
They used your blurb.
- "Lemon numbers among my employees."
- Sir, your bus to Washington leaves in half an hour.
- You're taking a bus? - I have to.
Ever since these buffoons from Detroit
took private planes,
the rest of us have to put on a show.
And now, your president... Who, by the way,
is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes,
has created an industry task force
for microwaves and small appliances.
- Why? Do you need to be bailed out with my tax dollars?
- Even if they wanted to, I wanted take it.
It's corporate welfare, Lemon.
Granted, the microwave industry isn't what it used to be,
and the American love affair with the microwave oven
has cooled since its postwar heyday.
- ♪ And she told her daddy she was doin' the microwave ♪
♪ do the microwave, wah wah wah wah ♪
♪ do the microwave ♪
♪ do the microwave, waba gaba daba wah ♪
- Did that happen?
- But, unlike Detroit,
we don't need handouts or regulation.
I'm gonna go down there,
talk circles around these hacks,
and catch the afternoon bus back to Chinatown.
Now, where was the last place
you remember having your retainer?
- I took it out to eat astronaut ice cream
at the air and space museum.
Air and space...
- If your man collects action figures,
that's a dealbreaker?
- What? Oh, yeah.
- Last weekend, I picked up this girl
after practicing jedi moves in prospect park.
- Also a dealbreaker.
- I took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike.
- As is that. - Snuck her inside, past my mom.
- Wow, that's four.
- She sees my mint-condition hellboy figurine
and starts quoting your dumb book!
- Yeah! Also, my girlfriend is mad.
In Canada.
- Ugh.
- Ms. Lemon, would it be all right
if I only worked 20 hours today?
I'm volunteering at an animal shelter later on.
- Oh, of course.
I didn't know you did volunteer work.
- Oh, yes.
I also help out at the pants for zoo animals program
and big brother.
- Really? I did big sister in college.
That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
- Oh, no, this big brother isn't affiliated
with the mentoring program.
It's an organization that secretly watches people
and makes sure they're behaving properly.
- Liz, I don't if you saw the crawl
on the TV guide channel,
but I've agreed to star in a sexy, supernatural thriller
in the vein of twilight and true blood.
- Oh, that's good.
The vampire movies are hot right now.
- This is actually a werewolf picture that,
for tax reasons, is shooting in Iceland.
I play a moon scientist
who's trying to get to the bottom of things,
and who... Spoiler alert...
May herself be a werewolf.
We start shooting tonight.
- In Iceland? Tonight? - Mm-hmm.
- You can't leave. You have rehearsal tomorrow.
- Oh, well, why don't you get the new cast member
to cover for me?
- Wow. Okay.
Look, I know that you're mad about Jack's decision
to bring in another actor, and you want to punish me.
- Punish you?
Please, Liz.
I've just always wanted
to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland,
where I'm filling in last-minute for Victoria Beckham.
- Or we could sit down and talk about this like adults.
- Liz Lemon! You booger face!
I'm gonna kill you with a bazooka!
- Ow!
- I bought my wife that dumb book of yours,
and the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me.
- Well, maybe that's on you, tray.
- No, it's off me!
A book hasn't caused me this much trouble
since where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.
It's on you Liz Lemon. And you will be punished.
- This'll take ten minutes.
Let's hit the meadowlands racetrack on the way home.
I've got a betting system based on horse penis size.
- Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives
routinely used company helicopters
to dry their home tennis courts?
- Yes, and no. Yes, that did happen.
No, it didn't not happen.
- And that G.E. kept a party clown on retainer
with a six-figure salary?
- When silly Willy's fee was amortized
over all birthdays companywide...
- I'm being told that company money
is being gambled at racetracks.
- Yes, but I have a system.
- In 2007, a G.E. officer used corporate funds
to throw a cabaret-themed Halloween party
on fire island.
- As I recall, that was you.
- Mr. Donaghy, I am overwhelmed
by the negligence and incompetence.
It is an affront to your shareholders
and, frankly, to the American people.
- Listen, Banks!
Mr. Banks, you go and tell your president
the truth.
We don't need the government
telling us how to run our industry.
- I've heard enough.
- Why do you have a gavel? This isn't the congress.
- I brought it from home.
- Congratulations, Liz Lemon.
Now Angie wants a break.
So instead of going to a hotel,
or my houseboat, which I cannot find,
I'm staying with the woman
that started this problem in the first place.
- What? No. Tracy, that is not fair.
- Oh, yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hallway
with a reef shark in it.
Just put him in the tub with a reef.
What's for dinner tonight?
I want pierogies!
- Unfortunately, we're not gonna be able
to find homes for all these animals.
But, uh, you know, the most important thing
is that you not become emotionally attached
to any of them.
- I grew up on a pig farm, sir,
where all the animals,
even the birds that cleaned our teeth,
were workers, not pets.
I never even had a dog,
'cause, as my mom would say,
you can't eat love.
And as my mom's friend Ron would say,
"the donkey died. You're the donkey now, Kenneth."
Yep.
Just another animal.
Might as well be a rat.
An adorable rat,
who shows you it's okay to be scared
during a thunderstorm.
Why, it seems crazy to me
to even give a dog like this a name.
For example, bandit.
And that's Reggie, and up there is digger,
- okay, well, the dogs scheduled to be put down today
have red tags on them.
- I will adopt all of them.
- Jonathan, call Don Geiss' office
and les winkler in corporate communications.
Tell Susan Cunningham, Alan Junkin, Mark...
- Jack.
What took you so long?
- Banks, you son of a bitch.
- You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack.
Like... sashimi. Or pizza.
- You prefer cold pizza?
- The morning after, it's the best.
- Better than hot pizza? That's insane.
- You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like.
You don't tell me anything anymore, Jack!
It was a year ago that you kicked me to the curb.
I began plotting my revenge that very day.
I knew that I had to align myself with something
more powerful than G.E.
And since American idol is not on till January,
that left the United States government.
So I spent all last fall raising money,
worming my way into the obamas' inner circle.
Oh, my god, Malia, he did not say that!
Let's text him now.
After the election,
I could have had any ambassadorship I wanted.
Even to the world's gayest country, Ireland.
- Instead, I suggested that I take on this task force.
See, I had you in my sights the whole time.
Pyoong!
- What kind of gun was that?
- It's a laser gun.
It's unstoppable.
- You listen to me, Banks.
You keep your spray-tanned little hands off this company.
- Too late.
Your testimony's gonna make headlines
in every paper across the country tomorrow.
- But... it wasn't a public hearing.
- Oops.
Somebody must have "weaked" it.
- You did. You "weaked" it!
- Yeah! And I'm just getting started.
By the time I'm done, you're gonna make AIG
look like the lehman brothers of microwaves.
- You would destroy an entire company just to get me?
Think of the pensions, the employees,
the kittens we use to test microwave strength.
- Enjoy the view while you can, Jack.
You'll be here for about three days, tops.
- Oh, that's all I'll need, Banks, you watch me.
I'll make this company profitable so fast,
the only headline will be,
"Donaghy saves G.E., marries your mom."
- See you in a couple days, Jack.
Pyoong!
- Vvvvt. Laser shield.
- Tracy and Liz's residence. Tracy speaking.
- Tracy, it's Jenna. Is Liz there?
- It's Jenna, from work.
- Jenna, it's 2:00 in the morning.
What's going on?
- Night stalkers has encountered
some production speed bumps
that are complicating my schedule.
- Well, I need you back by Friday.
What kind of speed bumps?
- Well, Iceland appears
to have a different sun than america,
because this one is not setting.
- Ugh, yeah, of course, 'cause it's so far north.
- And you probably don't know this,
because you've never played a moonologist,
but werewolves only come out at night.
- Yes, I remember that from the thriller video.
- Too soon.
- Shh. What is your plan, Jenna?
- Well, evidently, as it gets later in the year
the sun will start to set.
I'm told tomorrow night we may get as much
as a minute of darkness.
- Really? So you're gonna shoot this movie
one minute at a time, just to punish me?
- Liz, I don't even know what you're talking about.
What new cast member?
- No, you...
D'oh!
- What's wrong, roomie?
- Well, two of my coworkers are driving me insane,
so I'm gonna kill them in their sleep tonight.
- Tracy and Liz's. Tracy speaking.
- Tracy, put Lemon on.
- Hello?
- Okay, as a single woman,
would you be more inclined to buy a new microwave
if it could be programmed to ask you about your day?
Before you answer, consider your loneliness.
- I'm hanging up now.
- Now that we're all up,
you want to talk about the elephant in the room?
- No, I don't.
I don't even know why you brought that thing.
- I mean the figurative elephant!
Liz, I been reading your book.
Now I see why Angie's mad at me.
"If your man has seven cell phones,
"but won't give you any of the numbers,
that's a dealbreaker"?
"If your man owns a diamond necklace
that says open marriage, that's a dealbreaker"!
Liz Lemon, every little thing I've done
is in here.
You used me to write your book!
- What? No, maybe some of it is inspired by you.
- You stole my life.
And you're gonna pay for it.
- Really?
You're gonna make my life
worse than it is right now, how?
- I'll take all of them.
- Tracy and Jenna are like children.
- And like children, you can't reason with them
when they're upset.
All you can do is turn the heat up,
pour some whisky in their juice,
and wait for sleep to save you.
- Well, that's not gonna work for me,
because Jenna is immune to whisky,
and Tracy is afraid of juice.
Oh, and not to add to your problems,
but Paula read your book.
Ow.
- Attention, creative types. Brainstorming session.
Let's try to stop mouth-breathing for one minute.
- What is this?
It's an idea.
An idea that started this company,
changed the way we live,
and made this country great.
This is Dinesh Mehta.
He's a design engineer from the microwave division.
All Dinesh and I need from you
is one idea that is as good as the light bulb.
- What?
- I have two days to make people buy
a lot of microwaves.
- Well, it's kind of annoying
when you're microwaving, like, a burrito,
and the burrito won't rotate because it's too big.
It just gets caught against the sides
And the tray under it rotates,
but it doesn't rotate.
- Okay... bigger ovens.
Americans like big, yes. What else?
- What if microwaves broke down more easily,
so people would have to buy new ones more often?
- Yes, shoddier, excellent.
Bigger and not as well-made.
- Wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy
that almost destroyed the U.S. auto industry.
- This isn't the auto industry, Pete.
The auto industry was run
by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys
selling consumers a product they didn't want.
We're G.E., damn it.
And we're gonna make a giant, flimsy microwave.
- Frank, I can't!
If I make it any bigger, the door will be too heavy.
- Fine! Forget it.
- Wait.
Say that again.
- I said forget it.
- For... get it.
Four smaller doors.
- Yes! - Yes!
We'll crack this yet.
- "We'll" crack this yet.
Wheel. Put wheels on it.
- Yeah! - Nice.
- Donaghy!
- Okay, it's go time. Are you ready?
- I'm in character and everything.
- All right, let's do this! The sun is setting!
We get one shot at this! - Thank you.
- And action!
- Claire, I'm sorry.
Which hand did I have the flashlight in
when we were inside?
- The right! You had it in the right.
- Thank you.
- Cut!
- Oh. Great day, everyone.
You guys are the real stars.
- Since I have neither the time Nor the energy
to even pretend that your situation is a real problem...
- she doesn't like to refill the brita.
- I will cut the baby in half.
- And I will take the top half.
For that is the part with the face.
- Lemon, you wrote about Tracy's life
for your own game.
Tracy should be allowed to use your life
as he sees fit.
I'll have Jonathan call legal
and get a life rights contract drawn up.
- Wait, what do you mean? Tracy will own my life story?
No. No.
What are you gonna do with my life story?
Something humiliating.
Thank you, Jack.
- Thanks a lot, Jack. - It's your only move, Lemon.
Sometimes the way back up is down.
Let me tell you a story.
It's 1994.
I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse.
I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up.
So fighting every natural instinct,
doing the thing that seemed most awful to me,
I climbed down into the darkness.
And that's how I got out.
And when I got back to base camp,
I went and found my fellow climber,
the one who had cut me loose after I fell,
and I said, "Connie Chung, you did the right thing."
- Thank you.
- Climb down, Lemon.
Climb down.
- Hey, you're back.
- Yes.
Night stalkers is taking a brief,
permanent hiatus.
- Well, maybe now we can talk.
Jenna, I'm your friend, no matter what,
and I will always...
- oh, Liz, I would really love to do this.
But I have to go home for the day.
- Gotcha.
So you're sticking with
the passive-aggressive acting out.
- No, it's not acting out.
I have Mercury poisoning
from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.
- And cup holders.
Everyone loves cup holders.
- Okay, I've been up for the last 50 hours,
but I think this is a good idea.
Let's get rid of the oven entirely
and replace it with an am/fm radio.
- Yeah. - Hmm.
- Okay, it's a car.
We've invented the Pontiac aztec.
- Thank you, Subhas.
- You are the dealbreaker!
- Uhh.
Ohh.
This is a bill.
Tracy.
Hey, roomie.
Did you order pay-per-view at my apartment?
- I'm willing to go splitsies.
- No! I'm not paying for any of this.
You ordered six adult movies in two days.
"The curious case of Benjamin butt."
Lovely.
"I'ma do us"? What does that even mean?
- That's a pun on amadeus, dummy.
I will not be judged by you.
You caused this whole folderol.
Until you're adequately debased,
you will subsidize my predilection for erotica.
Oh, yeah, and I used your credit card
to buy a vocabulary course from the teaching company.
- So you're saying once you figure out
how to get back at me,
you and the dogs will leave my apartment?
- Affirmative.
- I have to climb down...
Into the darkness.
I know what you should do with my life rights.
Pete, keep tours out of the studio
for the next couple days.
I need you to build a set that looks like my apartment
and get all the hand sanitizer you can find.
- Wait, wait, why do you need...
- Tracy is producing a porno based on my life.
And I'm writing it.
- I didn't think it would end like this, Jonathan.
Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
- A whimper indeed, Jack.
- I only came by to wish you luck
on your new venture.
What do you think that'll be?
Selling fake weed to NYU students?
- I'll have you know that Barry Diller and I
are working on a whole new approach to media,
combining all the digital...
God! Just let me drink.
- See you around, Jack.
Thanks for letting me be such a big part
of you hitting rock bottom, huh?
- Not yet, Banks.
I can go lower.
Into the crevasse.
- What?
- You played this all wrong.
You want to humiliate me? You want to destroy me?
You should have walked in here with a check.
- Again, what?
- Sure, maybe you've ruined my career.
Maybe you'll never see me again.
But if you had forced me
to take government bailout money,
you'd be my boss.
Oh, my.
You'd have to come down to Washington.
Report to me, like a little school boy...
Your hands sticky from candy.
- And the worst part is,
I wouldn't even want the money.
- No, you wouldn't.
Jack Donaghy taking welfare?
It'd kill you. - With so many jobs at stake.
- You'd have to take it. I'd make you.
I'd make you take it all.
- I'd roll over and let you give it to me.
- I'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay.
- No one is. It's just happening.
- One word to the president, and I own you.
I own this office.
I own that... Fancy little fellow outside.
It'd kill me.
But I'd do it for the company.
- Hey, Sasha. Is your dad home?
What? You have to invite everyone to your party?
Even Zach s.?
- Everyone settle.
And action.
- It's not just about the new cast member.
When you always put the show ahead of me,
it makes me feel like we're growing apart.
- Jenna... You're my friend.
No matter what.
I will always look after you.
That's not going to change.
- Oh, Liz,
thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.
- Okay... We should get out of here.
- Yeah, we should.
- Everything good with Tracy?
- Yeah... I think so.
And Jenna and Frank and even Subhas.
And you?
- I live to fight another day. But at what cost?
- Oh, boy, I know the feeling.
What a week, huh?
- Lemon, it's Wednesday.
But it's not all...
Bad news.
- My retainer.
Now my dad won't be mad at me.
Ow!
Oooow!
Aaaah!
- Take it out, Lemon!
You take it out, Donaghy!
- Everything good with Tracy?
- I think so, and Jenna too, and Frank,
and even Subhas.
And you?
- I live to fight another day.
But at what cost?
- Boy, I know the feeling.
What a week, huh?
- Lemon, it's Wednesday.
But it's not all bad news.
- My retainer.
How will I ever thank you?
- And cut. This is disgusting.
Shut it down.