1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:04,129 Lemon. 2 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,465 Do you know what the kidney does? 3 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,818 - Of course. I was a kidney in my fifth grade school play. 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,221 ♪ Oh, I'm a kidney ♪ 5 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,793 The other kidney is singing now. 6 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:14,681 - Milton needs a kidney. 7 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,433 - Milton, as in your dad? 8 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:17,869 - My dad? I don't know this guy. 9 00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:19,520 - Professor Milton Greene, 10 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,498 who's writing a three-volume biography of Jimmy Carter, 11 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,374 and if I give him a kidney he could live to finish it. 12 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,038 - So what're you gonna do? - I don't know. 13 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:26,554 He's too old for the waiting list, 14 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:30,322 since Giuliani left it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs. 15 00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:34,243 So it's up to me, and I don't want to be a match. 16 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,827 It's too much. 17 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,889 Does that make me a bad person? - Of course not. 18 00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:40,624 - This is really hard. I need your help. 19 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:45,337 - ♪ The brain helps you make decisions ♪ 20 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,629 - Okay. 21 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,549 - ♪ And your colon pushes out... ♪ 22 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:49,901 - Okay, that's not helpful. 23 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:50,925 - Sorry. 24 00:00:54,012 --> 00:01:02,012 ♪ ♪ 25 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,658 - So, NBC is making me go on the Vontella show 26 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:15,617 to promote TGS. 27 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,620 - Oh, that show is the worst. - I know. 28 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,807 I swore I'd never go on again after that one time. 29 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,666 We get paid to make each other laugh. 30 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:25,294 - Jenna, meet your half-sister Courtney! 31 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,505 - Gimme my money, you bitch! - Never! 32 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,008 - They want me to go on as a relationship expert 33 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,759 because of the "dealbreakers" sketch. 34 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,771 And since you're the face of "dealbreakers," 35 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,221 you're going with me. 36 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,265 - What? No, come on. 37 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:39,701 - I thought you wanted the attention. 38 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:40,765 - Yeah, but not like that. 39 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,251 Remember the other time you were on? 40 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,788 - And I was all, like, "talk to the hand." 41 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,397 - Jenna, come on out. 42 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,049 - You give me back my money, bitch! 43 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,925 - Can't we just keep doing magazines? 44 00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,574 - I will see you on Vontella, Liz. 45 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:59,244 - Now, kidney transplantation is no laughing matter. 46 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,039 So, I apologize. 47 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,416 Kidney's just such a funny word. 48 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:05,417 - How long is this going to take, Leo? 49 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,544 - Uh, well, this is the consent form 50 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,713 for the test today. 51 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,245 - This is incorrect, doctor, I'm not giving him a kidney. 52 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,550 It's the other way around. 53 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:14,842 - Oh, brother. 54 00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:15,636 Are you sure? 55 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,221 - If anyone is giving anyone a kidney at all. 56 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,640 Who knows? 57 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,391 - You know what? 58 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,620 I'll just remember that it's the opposite of what these say. 59 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,871 - I'd really be more comfortable 60 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,230 if you rewrote the form. 61 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:31,360 - No, I'll remember. Opposite, opposite, opposite! 62 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,755 - Okay, but you're clear that he's giving a kidney to me. 63 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,340 - I really think you're jumping the gun here. 64 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:36,758 We don't even know if we're a match, 65 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:39,117 so you shouldn't assume that you're gonna get my kidney. 66 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,649 - No, of course. No, I'm sorry. 67 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,787 It's just that without a kidney, I'm going to die. 68 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,543 I think it's the hard k sound that's making me giggle. 69 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,213 Kidney! 70 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,634 - Mr. Jordan, exciting news. 71 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,403 Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. 72 00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:01,181 And they said you could drop up to five f-bombs. 73 00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:02,140 - Not interested. 74 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:02,974 - Why not? 75 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,477 - Because Frank Lucas high school was a hellhole. 76 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:06,436 Grizz knows. 77 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:07,354 He was there. 78 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:10,649 A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. 79 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,318 He wanted me to find a snitch called "baby." 80 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,570 Campbell wanted me to cut him open. 81 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,948 - Oh, my, that's very urban. 82 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,117 - I wouldn't do it. I dropped out. 83 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:24,037 And I vowed never to go back to that place. 84 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:25,640 - "Campbell" was actually Mr. Campbell, 85 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:26,664 his science teacher. 86 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,959 - His science teacher was a drug dealer? 87 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,335 That's terrible. 88 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,129 Science was my most favorite subject. 89 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,630 Especially the old testament. 90 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,132 - He wasn't a drug dealer. 91 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:36,664 Tracy dropped outta high school 92 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:39,553 because Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. 93 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,389 Tracy couldn't do it; He cried in front of the whole class. 94 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,975 - It was bad. I had to deny ever being friends with him. 95 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:49,271 - Just like Peter did to Jesus in science. 96 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,651 - If your boyfriend calls out his brother's name during sex, 97 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,154 that's a dealbreaker, ladies. 98 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,991 - That skit was crazy. 99 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,563 - That actually happened to Liz. 100 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,161 - Vontella don't care who Liz is. 101 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:06,538 Jenna, we have a surprise for you. 102 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,082 - I swear to god, Courtney, I will rip your wig off. 103 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,518 - No, honey, Courtney's dead. 104 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,002 You are gonna answer 105 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,005 our audience's relationship questions! 106 00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:16,673 Yes! 107 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:19,134 - This guy I'm dating owns a tanning salon, 108 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,706 but he won't let me tan for free, 109 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,905 but he lets girls that he's friends with tan for free, 110 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,929 so I go to this other tanning salon down the street 111 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,173 to try not to make it a thing, 112 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,410 but you know how there's no secrets 113 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,686 in the tanning salon community, so what should I do? 114 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,188 - Um... 115 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,023 I-I... 116 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,900 I don't know. 117 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,192 Liz? 118 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,070 - Oh, boy, well, whatever that just was, it's a dealbreaker 119 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,990 because this guy is making you talk like a crazy person. 120 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:47,537 You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker. 121 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,209 - My fiance and I keep arguing about our wedding plans, and... 122 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,627 - Nope, your fiance is gay. 123 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,378 Look at him. Look at you. 124 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,750 Classic case of fruit blindness. - "Fruit blindness"? 125 00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,258 - Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman? 126 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,886 - Uh, one time in college. 127 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,258 Yeah, and a lot since then. 128 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,224 - All right! 129 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,434 - My boyfriend has been acting really weird 130 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,286 ever since he got promoted at his job... 131 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,955 - Yeah, he thinks he deserves a va Jay Jay upgrade. 132 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,690 He doesn't. He's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Dealbreaker. 133 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,150 - Yes, yes! 134 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,082 - Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. 135 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,394 That's something they invented 136 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,974 in the '90s to sell hair products. 137 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,949 Dealbreaker. 138 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,951 Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker. 139 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,994 - Yes. 140 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,996 - I think you guys are gonna make it. 141 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,007 - Mr. Jordan, 142 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,052 I know Mr. Campbell wasn't a drug dealer. 143 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,344 - Yes, he was. 144 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,472 - I know he was your science teacher. 145 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,057 - No, he wasn't. 146 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,409 - And I know he didn't ask you to cut up "baby," 147 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:51,619 he asked you to cut up a frog. 148 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:52,643 - What frog? 149 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,622 - And I know you couldn't do it, and you cried. 150 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,356 - When have I ever cried? 151 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:57,834 - And that's why you left school, 152 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:58,858 because you were ashamed. 153 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:00,402 - It's true! There is no "baby"! 154 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,738 I was chicken! I was chicken! 155 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,670 - A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? 156 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,158 I thought this was a comedy show. 157 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,203 Listen, you know how I can get to Jack Donaghy's office? 158 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,248 - Uh, yes, sir. 52nd floor. 159 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:17,460 Mr. Jordan, I understand how hard that must've been, 160 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:18,752 but it was so long ago. 161 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,630 - You can't understand, Ken. 162 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,592 Where I come from, street cred is everything. 163 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,053 That's why when I left that school in shame, 164 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,681 I vowed never to cry again. 165 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:30,973 And I never have! 166 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:31,892 - Um... 167 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,769 - Don't die! I love you, Jack! 168 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,314 I want diet slice and some pita chips. 169 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,816 I don't wanna be here! I don't like it here! 170 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,402 I was just callin' y'all a bunch of racists. 171 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:45,405 We're not really best friends, we're just good friends. 172 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,617 I was chicken! I was chicken! 173 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,720 I'm never going back to Frank Lucas high school 174 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,663 to be reminded of my greatest failure. 175 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,665 - Mr. Jordan, I think it's sad 176 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,437 that you're still ashamed of that kid. 177 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:58,960 That kid is you. 178 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,921 - Uh-uh. I've changed, Ken. 179 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,298 Into a badass adult. 180 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,384 I have a wolf dog, I have two bad knees, 181 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,761 and a gun. 182 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,181 That I lost! 183 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,935 - Milton, are you going somewhere? 184 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,729 - I have to get back to bennington. 185 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:20,302 I owe my publishers a chapter of from peanut to president. 186 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,691 But before I go, 187 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,819 I think we should talk about the other day. 188 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,471 - Milton, the donaghys do not talk. 189 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,658 We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger, 190 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,786 preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation. 191 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,288 - Well, the Greenes are talkers and huggers. 192 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,915 I'm sorry, Jack. 193 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,967 I should never have put you in this position. 194 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,503 - Or this one. 195 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,130 - Look, I don't want a kidney from you. 196 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,968 All I want is to make up for lost time. 197 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,427 Can I come back next week? 198 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,263 - Sure, okay. 199 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,395 We can go to a yankee game. I have great seats. 200 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:55,558 In the section between 201 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,690 the players' wives and the players' mistresses. 202 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,145 But I don't go on bat day. 203 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,398 - So, my son likes baseball. 204 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:02,690 You know, 205 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,292 there's a great sports memorabilia store 206 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,567 on third Avenue. 207 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:09,239 Remember Carlton fisk's home run in the '75 series? 208 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:10,531 - That's this ball? 209 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,735 - No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning. 210 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,869 - Huh. 211 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,871 - No, I want you to have it. 212 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,363 - Milton, that's too generous. 213 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,583 - No, I insist. For bringing me into your life. 214 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,211 - I-I-I can't. 215 00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,426 - Jack. We're having a catch. 216 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:30,427 - Don't ruin it, Milton. 217 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,039 - Just like Jimmy and chip Carter. 218 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,217 - Did you hear what I said? 219 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,390 This is great. 220 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,682 Ooh! 221 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,070 - Damn, Ken, you know who that was? 222 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,156 - I don't, sir, do you? 223 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,488 - I grew up with that guy. 224 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,617 He was the baddest gangster in my class. 225 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:58,455 We called him "mean Steve," but his real name was Steven killer. 226 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,147 - Does seeing him in this menial job 227 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,208 make you think about anything? 228 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,084 - Well, if a badass O.G. like that 229 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,254 could get stuck deliverin' food, how did I get out? 230 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,257 - Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G. 231 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,092 You're a sensitive artist. 232 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,469 You're different. 233 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,304 And isn't that a message those kids 234 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:14,971 at your old high school should hear? 235 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:19,601 - You're right, Ken. They should. 236 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,893 Five f-bombs, right? 237 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:23,605 - Hello. 238 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,023 - Jack, it's Leo. 239 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,650 I got the, uh, results of your blood work back. 240 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,986 - Right, yes, and? 241 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:33,323 - Well, "cytotoxic cross match of target HLA 242 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,659 resulted in lyses of cells." 243 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,328 Now, Jack, in layman's terms, 244 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,330 what do you think that means? 245 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,391 - I don't know. Could I give this guy a kidney or not? 246 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,167 - "Due to negative blood tissue match, 247 00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:46,169 transplantation is not recommended." 248 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,781 Damn it, is this written in Greek? 249 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,214 - It means we're not a match. 250 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,174 - Oh. Sorry. 251 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,176 I was really looking forward to putting 252 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:54,588 your father's kidney in you. 253 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,179 - The other way around, Leo. 254 00:09:56,471 --> 00:10:00,058 That's not what these forms say. 255 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,018 - Lemon. 256 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,145 I'm getting Milton Greene a kidney. 257 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,438 You're a match? 258 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,356 - No, I'm not. 259 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,292 - Then where are you gonna get a kidney from? 260 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,356 - I don't know, but I have 261 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,320 the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. 262 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,372 The same manipulation machine that got people 263 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:15,489 to vote for Barack Obama 264 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,533 and donate all that money after rainstorm Katrina. 265 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,203 I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney. 266 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,895 - You should do a celebrity concert. 267 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,124 Like that gig I did to benefit old gays. 268 00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,583 - Yes, a benefit concert 269 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,085 like "we are the world" 270 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,170 or "Weird Al" Yankovic's less successful 271 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,214 parody benefit "we are the pizza." 272 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,048 Tell Pete to start building a set. 273 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,967 - Wait a minute, we have to do this? 274 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,861 - Well, you found a way to do your day job 275 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,054 and be on Vontella... A great job, by the way. 276 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,698 I haven't seen that many riled-up dirtbags 277 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,722 since cvs put the cold medicine behind the counter. 278 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,185 - They want me to go back on Vontella, actually, 279 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:47,063 but I'm not sure I'm qualified to give relationship advice. 280 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,064 - You're not. 281 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,023 Suburban seventh graders 282 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,543 have more sexual experience than you do, 283 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,567 but that doesn't matter. 284 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,319 - Right, because I'm helping people. 285 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:54,811 - No, you're helping yourself. 286 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,115 So make the most of this opportunity. 287 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,492 After all, how many years does TGS have left? 288 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,245 - I don't know. 20? 289 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,257 What do you think this is, wings? 290 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,683 You've got two more years, at best. 291 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:06,707 Lemon, 292 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,978 this is what I've been trying to tell you since I first met you. 293 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:12,422 Life is short. You've gotta get out there and get yours. 294 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,132 - "Get yours." 295 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,584 I like that. Can I use that as one of my catch phrases? 296 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,237 - Sorry, Leo Spaceman's using it as the title 297 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,541 of his new sex book for couples. 298 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,681 - Ooh. Ooh. 299 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:22,682 - Mary. 300 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,559 Uh, Elvis. 301 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:25,851 Mr. Aiken. 302 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,062 Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. 303 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,607 - No problem, I just had my driver drop me off. 304 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,334 - So how come I saw you getting off the subway? 305 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,460 - What were you doin' down there? 306 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,484 - Uh, okay. 307 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:35,754 I asked the three of you to be here 308 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:38,114 because you are all deeply committed to charity work. 309 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,201 - My Mary J. Blige foundation is celebrating its tenth year 310 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,119 of searching for the Loch Ness monster. 311 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:46,122 - Well, musicians have banded together before to solve... 312 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:47,624 All kinds of problems. 313 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,518 World hunger, the collapse of the American farm, 314 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,001 global warming, 315 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,962 and, uh, you're 0 for 3, guys. 316 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,694 - I am disappointed in us as a group. 317 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:58,218 - How about a problem you can solve? 318 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,011 One song, one man, one kidney. 319 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,138 - Let me get this straight. 320 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,599 You want us to do a charity concert for one guy? 321 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:05,600 - Elvis, haven't you said that if a song 322 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,977 reaches just one person, you've done your job? 323 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,349 - No, I've never said that. 324 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,440 - Fine. Listen, the man who needs the kidney is my father. 325 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,400 We just met, and I don't want to lose him 326 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,012 before I get a chance to know him. 327 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,948 Please, I'm asking for your help. 328 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,950 Okay, let's cut to the chase. 329 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,451 M.J., you owe me. 330 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,638 Who got you out of a 20-year exclusive performance contract 331 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,662 at sea world? 332 00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:28,248 Aiken, your cousin Kenneth Parcell 333 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,642 already promised me you'd do this. 334 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,251 And Elvis, or should I say, 335 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,170 Declan McManus, international art thief? 336 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,606 - Okay, Jack dona-you-tumbled-me. 337 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,548 We'll do it. 338 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,176 - Also, you have a ton of interview requests. 339 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,908 And they want you on the seventh hour 340 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:42,679 of The Today Show tomorrow morning. 341 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,681 - Tell them all yes. 342 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,183 I'm getting mine, Cerie. 343 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:50,103 - Also, Pete and Tracy's wives are in your office. 344 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,480 - Paula is Pete's wife, and Angie is the black one... 345 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,691 - Okay, Cerie, I got it. 346 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,669 - Dr. Liz, we need some advice from the dealbreaker lady. 347 00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:57,836 - I don't know if that's a good idea. 348 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,072 I know you, and I know your husbands... 349 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,484 - I just found out Tracy has 350 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,343 a secret credit card I didn't know anything about. 351 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,369 - Not on my watch, biatch. 352 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,805 - And he's been using that credit card 353 00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,540 to pay for a hotel room here in New York two days a week. 354 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:13,001 - S that d. Shut it down. Dealbreaker. 355 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,335 Paula. 356 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,587 - Pete is refusing to drive to my parents' place 357 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,715 for just two weeks of family vacation. 358 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,383 - No to the way to the Jose. 359 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,219 But Paula, talk it out before you walk it out. 360 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,551 - And I'm here in New York 361 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,306 while he's back in Hooglanderveen. 362 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,277 - Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue. 363 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:29,391 Dealbreaker. 364 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,394 - Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping. 365 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,313 - Dealbreaker, Jenna! God! 366 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,398 - I haven't seen my fiance in seven months. 367 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,275 - Cerie, I have two words for you. 368 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152 Robot warning. 369 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,164 Okay, that catch phrase needs a little work. 370 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,321 Dealbreaker! 371 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,048 - Teach it like ya preach it, Liz Lemon! 372 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,245 - I almost didn't make it here this afternoon. 373 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:52,457 But then a very special friend of mine showed me the way. 374 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,584 So I'd like to take a moment to thank 375 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:58,296 Victor Cordova from the Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue. 376 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,163 But there's another reason why I almost didn't come today. 377 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,552 Fear. 378 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,180 Fear of letting people know the real me. 379 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,307 I have but one thing to say to all of you. 380 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,392 Be yourself. 381 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,244 And I'm talkin' to you clearly, gay kid. 382 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,104 - Who told? 383 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,316 - And you, white kid just tryin' to go unnoticed. 384 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,275 - Aw, come on. - Just be yourself. 385 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,528 And I guarantee you 386 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,364 every single person in this room 387 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:28,951 will one day be president of the United States. 388 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,287 Thank you. 389 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:35,625 - Tracy, before you go, I have a special surprise for you. 390 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:38,252 - Okay, but I'm allergic to horses. 391 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:42,215 - It is my pleasure to award you this honorary diploma. 392 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,093 Congratulations. 393 00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,056 - Take a breath, Mr. Jordan. 394 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,058 Aah! 395 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,102 Aah! 396 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,354 Who wants my autograph? Aah! 397 00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:59,315 - So you can see how important this is to me. 398 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,287 Are you in? - I'm in. I think it'll be fun. 399 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,487 - I actually played a kidney in my fifth grade school play. 400 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:05,905 With this loser... 401 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,591 - I'm in, but when costello's not lookin' 402 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,259 I'm gonna punch him in the back of the head. 403 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:09,992 - Fair enough. 404 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:10,660 - Hey, Jack, 405 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,995 are you doing my musical benefit idea? 406 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,497 Because I'd love to be... 407 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:15,331 - Uh, no, it didn't work out. 408 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,208 Jenna, you know my European friends 409 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,252 uh, Rokus and, uh, Shandelay. 410 00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,921 - Alloo. - Please to meet. 411 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:28,885 - Thank you. 412 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,697 - Cerie, I'm going out for a couple hours. 413 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:31,721 - Okay. I'll just, uh... 414 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,888 - I'm meeting a book agent 415 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,559 about writing a dealbreaker book. 416 00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:36,578 He's gonna take me to lunch wherever I wanna go. 417 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,480 Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in midtown? 418 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,524 Never mind. 419 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,526 - Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch. 420 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:44,944 - What? 421 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,547 - Here's the reason I don't wanna go 422 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:47,631 on that family vacation: It's a working farm. 423 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,674 And I'm the only one whose hands are big enough 424 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:51,284 to guide the bull during mating. 425 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,453 - Yeah, well, dealbreaker... 426 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:54,287 - Shut up. 427 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,414 - There you are, you stupid cracker. 428 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:59,375 You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace. 429 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,787 No kids bangin' on the door, 430 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,336 no phones ringin'. 431 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,129 It's my time! 432 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,549 Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 pm! 433 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,385 I don't know why I only go twice a week. 434 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,471 That's what Angie should be worried about! 435 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:12,906 - You've gotta stop giving advice. 436 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,530 You don't know what you're talking about. 437 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,480 - No, I'm not stopping. I'm gonna write a book. 438 00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:17,935 I have to! This is my next step! 439 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,854 - What're you talking about? 440 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,623 - This job isn't gonna last forever, Pete. 441 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,775 TGS has two years left, tops. 442 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:28,362 - Pete, how'm I gonna live? I only have $300 million. 443 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,574 - This... This is crazy, Jack. 444 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,177 I've never seen anything like this. 445 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,577 And I was at "we are the pizza." 446 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,429 - Well, I thought I had to do something. 447 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:37,598 Once I found that I wasn't a match, 448 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,331 I felt like I'd let you down. 449 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,584 - You couldn't let me down, Jack. 450 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,296 - Get a room. - Yeah, get a room. 451 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,423 - High school graduate. 452 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,926 Do you know what this means, Grizz, Dotcom, Ken? 453 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:51,511 We're goin' to college! 454 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:55,556 - And so began the craziest summer of my life. 455 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,767 - How'd you say that without movin' your mouth? 456 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,561 - Say what? 457 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,231 - Lemon, how are you? 458 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,563 - You know what? I'm good. 459 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,610 I've got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, 460 00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,982 and I have this weird, loose feeling in my shoulders. 461 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:11,322 What is that? 462 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,174 - It's either happiness or osteoporosis. 463 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,118 I think it's happiness. 464 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,288 You're getting yours. 465 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,499 - Jack, what have you done? 466 00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:23,626 - I called in every favor I had. 467 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,128 He's my dad, Liz. 468 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,460 - Oh, my god, sheryl crow! 469 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,550 We were best friends in elementary school! 470 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:32,635 Hi, sheryl! - We're live in three... 471 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,012 Two... - I'll talk to her later. 472 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:41,394 - ♪ Sometimes life brings pain and strife ♪ 473 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,564 ♪ and all seems wrong ♪ 474 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,650 ♪ that is when you find a friend ♪ 475 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,027 ♪ and write a song ♪ 476 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:54,156 - ♪ so give the gift of giving ♪ 477 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,159 ♪ give it far and give it wide ♪ 478 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:58,536 - ♪ take the leap ♪ 479 00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:03,416 ♪ reach down deep inside ♪ 480 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:07,211 - ♪ and just give a kidney ♪ 481 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,047 - ♪ to a father or a dad ♪ 482 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,340 - ♪ just give a kidney ♪ 483 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,676 - ♪ oh ♪ 484 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:17,263 - ♪ we hear it doesn't really hurt that bad ♪ 485 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,224 - ♪ and we know you'll want to give it ♪ 486 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,935 - ♪ to a super human being ♪ 487 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,520 - ♪ so get it done ♪ 488 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,355 - ♪ we just need one ♪ 489 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,525 - ♪ for Milton Greene ♪ 490 00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:33,487 - ♪ this country has 600 million kidneys ♪ 491 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,489 - ♪ and we really only need half ♪ 492 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,409 ♪ that leaves about 300 million kidneys ♪ 493 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:42,121 - ♪ do the math ♪ 494 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:45,583 - ♪ oh, Milton Greene, Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪ 495 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,544 ♪ Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪ 496 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,171 - ♪ he needs a kidney ♪ 497 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,783 - ♪ Milton Greene, don't ask why ♪ 498 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,343 ♪ he could die if you don't call today ♪ 499 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:59,430 - Listen, when someone starts talking in the middle of a song, 500 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:00,722 you know it's serious. 501 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,266 - So give Milton a kidney. 502 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:03,958 We all believe in this cause so much 503 00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,345 that we're doin' it for free. 504 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,394 Except for sheryl. 505 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,279 - That's right, I'm the only one gettin' paid. 506 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,024 - And only three of us are drunk. 507 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,526 - Milton Greene needs a kidney. 508 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,570 Just like I need this beard. 509 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:15,922 You don't wanna know what's under here. 510 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,426 - And while you don't have two beards, 511 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,367 you do have two kidneys. 512 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,327 Think of it this way, if I had $2, 513 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:22,779 I'd give you one, wouldn't I? 514 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,955 - I'm one of the drunk ones. 515 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,558 - ♪ They say that two is better than one ♪ 516 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,584 - ♪ but sometimes one is better than two ♪ 517 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,295 - ♪ if you had two heads, you'd wish you had one ♪ 518 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,707 - ♪ how is this different? ♪ 519 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,317 - ♪ If you had two dogs attackin' you ♪ 520 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:35,590 ♪ you'd want just one ♪ 521 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,385 - ♪ there, we proved our point ♪ 522 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,757 - ♪ oh, Milton Greene, Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪ 523 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,348 ♪ Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪ 524 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,475 - ♪ he needs a kidney ♪ 525 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,087 - ♪ Milton Greene, don't ask why ♪ 526 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,397 ♪ he could die if you don't call today ♪ 527 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:52,983 - ♪ he needs a kidney ♪ 528 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:56,570 ♪ no, he doesn't need a hand ♪ 529 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,823 ♪ he just needs a kidney ♪ 530 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:05,079 - ♪ a hand would be an even harder thing to give ♪ 531 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,664 - ♪ when you give a kidney ♪ 532 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:11,252 - We sure had quite a year. 533 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,254 - What're you talking about? It's may. 534 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,046 - Shh. 535 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,340 - ♪ Do some good ♪ 536 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,259 - ♪ we pass the cup ♪ 537 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,677 ♪ they stitch it up ♪ 538 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,804 ♪ you do some good ♪ 539 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,222 - ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 540 00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:24,514 - ♪ we pass the cup ♪ 541 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,267 ♪ they stitch it up ♪ 542 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,061 ♪ you do some good ♪ 543 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,980 - ♪ oh, yeah ♪ 544 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,361 - Yeah, that's good.