1 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:06,548 - Hey, Jack. - Congratulations, Lemon. 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,966 I see you read my memo 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,978 about having more catchphrases on your show. 4 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,930 - What catchphrases? Oh, are you talking about... 5 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:15,102 If your man leaves in boxers 6 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,350 and comes home in briefs, 7 00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:19,520 that's a deal breaker, ladies. 8 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:22,689 If he wears an Atlanta falcons Jersey 9 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,233 to your sister's wedding... 10 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,486 "That's a deal breaker, ladies." 11 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:28,880 This is gonna be huge for Jenna. 12 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:30,864 - And for me, 'cause I wrote that phrase. 13 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,741 - If you say so, Lemon. 14 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,619 - Jack, is this really what you wanted to talk about? 15 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,746 - What else is there to discuss? 16 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,289 - Oh, really? 17 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,017 You're gonna do the repressed Irish thing? 18 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,252 Be Italian for like one second. 19 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,671 I'm-a Jack. I don't know who my father is. 20 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,757 I'm-a so emotional, I'm gonna smash these barrels! 21 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,760 - We're not discussing that because I've made a decision. 22 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,804 I don't wanna know who my real father is. 23 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,096 - Are you kidding? Why? 24 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,945 - You know what family means to me, Lemon? 25 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,309 Resentment, guilt, anger... 26 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,687 Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights. 27 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,690 Why would I wanna invite more of it into my life? 28 00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,858 Why would I want more family? 29 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,944 - Because maybe he's awesome. 30 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,405 Look, why don't you just ask your mother who it is. 31 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:12,697 - No, no. Not Colleen. 32 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,659 She had her reasons for keeping this from me for 50 years, 33 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,271 and I don't want her to relive it. 34 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,704 Also, I want something really juicy 35 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,706 to whisper to her on her deathbed. 36 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,708 - Look, Jack, I don't have 37 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,668 a lot of personal life experience, 38 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,589 but if I have learned anything from my sims family... 39 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,674 When a child doesn't see his father enough, 40 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:33,010 he starts to jump up and down, 41 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,721 and then his mood level will drop... 42 00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,181 Until he pees himself. 43 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,563 - Why don't I have any other friends? 44 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:55,699 ♪ ♪ 45 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,545 - Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting. 46 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,919 - Tracy, why did you never try to find your father? 47 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,005 - Because he's dead. - How do you know that? 48 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,257 - Because I'm rich, and if that man was alive, 49 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,009 he'd be living in my pool house, 50 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,054 and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn. 51 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,431 - Exactly. That's all family is... a drain. 52 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:22,100 - I feel like you're not tellin' me something, Jack. 53 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:25,020 Let me guess... you bought a sidecar for your motorcycle, 54 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,064 and your dog won't stay in it. 55 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,565 - No, Tracy. 56 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,497 I found out I don't know who my father is, 57 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,003 and I'm not sure I ever wanna know. 58 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,655 - Why? Jack, every man should know his father. 59 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,240 - That's easy for you to say. - No, it wasn't. 60 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,076 I struggled through that sentence. 61 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:40,768 But I'm know what I'm talkin' about. 62 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:42,245 Because not long ago... 63 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,581 A son I didn't know about found me. 64 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:45,499 What? 65 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:48,085 - My love child tracked me down. 66 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:52,589 I was shocked, scared, angry, like a dog in a sidecar 67 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,441 when it comes loose from the motorcycle. 68 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,967 But it turned out to be 69 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,139 one of the best things that ever happened to me. 70 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,303 - Huh. 71 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,014 Thanks, Tracy. 72 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,825 - And you know who else loves deal breaker? 73 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:03,975 Bret Michaels. 74 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,352 We have the same publicist, 75 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,020 and she said he'd love to come here 76 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,498 and dress in the same outfit and do it with me. 77 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,962 And also, he wants to be on the show. 78 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,712 - You know, they used that catchphrase 79 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,110 on sportscenter last night. 80 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,903 - Rangers on the power play. 81 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,155 Oh, Avery! That's a deal breaker, ladies. 82 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,282 This is it! 83 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,201 This is the defining thing of my life! 84 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,953 It's not gonna be that hit and run! 85 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,245 - Jenna, calm down. 86 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,247 - Oh, Liz, try to imagine how excited you would be 87 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:27,975 if something of yours blew up like this. 88 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,669 - This is mine, Jenna. I wrote it for you, remember? 89 00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:33,463 - Right! It's ours. That's what I meant to say. 90 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,215 There's a reason you're the writer. 91 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:40,053 - Everybody, gather up. Actor announcement. 92 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,681 - No... human announcement. 93 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,213 There's something I want you all to hear directly from me 94 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,108 before you read about it in next month's issue 95 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,980 of black entrepreneur and butts magazine. 96 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,815 I have a illegitimate son. 97 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,109 Oh! Feigned surprise. 98 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,641 - Obviously, my family and I wanted to keep this private, 99 00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:00,407 but somehow, those vultures in the media found out about it. 100 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:01,992 Like a dog in the sidecar 101 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,994 when it comes loose from the motorcycle. 102 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:04,786 But it turned out to be 103 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,997 one of the best things that ever happened to me. 104 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,875 - Huh. Thanks, Tracy. 105 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,505 - So... should we continue our interview? 106 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,507 - Oh, no! 107 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,218 Now, I didn't know about this boy up until three years ago. 108 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,138 But I've been supporting him financially ever since. 109 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,432 And I want you all to meet him. - He's here? 110 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,350 - I want you bastards to meet my bastard. 111 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:30,061 My baby boy, Donald Jordan. 112 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,064 - Hey, how's it goin', y'all? 113 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,442 Pop, can I have $1,000 for something I need? 114 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:39,946 - Well, as long as it's for something you need. 115 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,742 I love you, man. - I love you, daddy. 116 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,083 - Oh, len, come in. 117 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,085 - Thanks for meeting me here. 118 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,546 - This is my office. - I know. 119 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,341 But once I'm in the building, I can get into the cafeteria, 120 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,218 and that means free ice. 121 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,638 - Right. So what did you dig up for me? 122 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,407 - Well, I was surprised when you called me 123 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:07,471 about finding your father. 124 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,143 Especially since you called on the old home line. 125 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,646 Hasn't been ringing much since marcia left. 126 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,272 I guess in the divorce settlement, 127 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,441 she got all our friends. 128 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:17,794 I gave my gun to my pastor. 129 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,403 You know, in case I get the old gloomies again. 130 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:24,407 - So do you have anything for me, len? 131 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,576 - Your father's name and contact information 132 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,830 is in this envelope. 133 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,375 I'm sorry. I'll give ya some privacy. 134 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,971 - Oh, god. 135 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,098 - There's no way that's Tracy's son, right? 136 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:49,390 That guy is scamming him! 137 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:50,868 - May be. Donald did look pretty old. 138 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,143 - I know. 139 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:55,564 But I do have a hard time telling ages with black... 140 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,317 Shoes are the best kind of shoes. 141 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,902 - How old do you think I am? 142 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,529 - 25. - 50. 143 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,239 - I am 33. 144 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,449 How old do you think Samuel L. Jackson is? 145 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,577 - 50. - 25. 146 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,453 - Mr. Jackson is 61. 147 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,206 - Wow! Okay, what about this? 148 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,668 Maybe Donald's is Tracy's son because maybe Tracy is 60. 149 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,563 - No. That's ridiculous. - Think about it. 150 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:19,921 - He can't rap. He has diabetes. 151 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,548 A lot of his friends are dead. 152 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:22,465 - He falls asleep in chairs. 153 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,068 He doesn't know how to use a computer. 154 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,012 He's always mad at the TV! - His favorite show is NCIS. 155 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,389 - He might be 70! - Or he's getting scammed. 156 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:30,682 - Lemon. 157 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,895 - I don't get it. There's three names on here. 158 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:37,188 - Without hard DNA evidence, 159 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,360 len was only able to narrow my father's identity 160 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:40,649 down to these three men. 161 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,236 - Mamma Mia! It's a mamma Mia! 162 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,196 - What? - Nothing! 163 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,632 Don't push it, Liz. Let it happen. 164 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:47,816 There's gonna be a mamma Mia! 165 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:48,948 - See what happens, Lemon? 166 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,286 See how complicated family always is? 167 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,680 What am I supposed to do, fly around the country 168 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,424 trying to figure out which one is my father? 169 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,664 - They could come to you. 170 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,230 We could trick them into coming here, 171 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,728 and then we'll sing on the dock! 172 00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,854 - What are you talking about? 173 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,546 - It's mamma Mia! 174 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,299 The international film songsation? 175 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,636 Based on the jukebox musical? The songs of abba? 176 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,262 It's a movie, Jack! 177 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,181 Should we just watch it real quick? 178 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,242 - This was too much trouble when it was just one person. 179 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,559 I'm out. - No, it's perfect! 180 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,519 We mamma Mia these guys. 181 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,438 We get them here under some pretense, 182 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,190 figure out which one is your dad, 183 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,501 and then if it's someone you don't want in your life, 184 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,525 you walk away. 185 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,754 - How do we even get them here? 186 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,363 - They won a contest... 187 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,323 A trip to New York and tickets to TGS. 188 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,909 - All right... you get them here. 189 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:34,120 I'll meet with them. But that's all I'm promising. 190 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,412 - And all I'm promising 191 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,098 is a madcap musical romp, Dot, Dot, Dot, 192 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,167 fun, Dot, Dot, Dot. 193 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,919 Good! 194 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,254 That was on the poster. 195 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,012 - Why won't this stupid gizmo do what I want? 196 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,224 I'm gonna miss the lotto drawing. 197 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,353 - Ahem. Hey, Tracy... 198 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,480 You're 39, right? 199 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,166 - Of course. Why would I lie about my age? 200 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,566 I'm in the entertainment industry. 201 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,098 - Right. Hey, you know, Liz and I were just talking about 202 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,071 that old Rob base song... It takes two. 203 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:12,033 - Yeah, everybody our age knows that song, right? 204 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,994 ♪ Ladies love me, girls adore me ♪ 205 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,885 ♪ I mean even the ones who never saw me ♪ 206 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,848 ♪ like the way that I rhyme at a show ♪ 207 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,225 ♪ the reason why, man, I don't know ♪ 208 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,375 ♪ so let's go, 'cause ♪ 209 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:21,727 ♪ it takes two ♪ 210 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,128 ♪ to make a thing go right ♪ 211 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:26,673 ♪ it takes two to make it outta sight ♪ 212 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,509 - Not familiar. But what about this song? 213 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,637 ♪ Gee, it's great after being out late ♪ 214 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,431 ♪ walkin' my baby back... ♪ 215 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,641 - How old are you? - 39. 216 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,854 - Well, if you're 39, how old do you think Donald is? 217 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:44,107 > I'm 21, right, dad? - Yes, you are, son. 218 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:45,626 That's what that birth certificate 219 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,028 you printed out for me said. 220 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,697 - Hey, you got that check for me? 221 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,629 - Of course... and I left the amount blank 222 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:53,741 just like you asked. 223 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,577 Donald's openin' a dojo. 224 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,120 - Mm-hmm, yeah. 225 00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,957 I'm-a teach karate and whatnot to kids... 226 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,542 Or whatever. 227 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,961 Startin' a small business is expensive! 228 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:09,299 - I bet it is. - Hey, remember this song? 229 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,927 ♪ If e'er a fair maiden a Knight chanced to see ♪ 230 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,931 - ♪ astride his fair steed to spy ♪ 231 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,492 Miss Lemon, the contest winners are here. 232 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,978 My three dads! 233 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,649 - Are you ready to meet them? - Yeah. 234 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:31,154 - Jack, this is George park. 235 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:32,906 He's Korean. 236 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,324 - Oh! Okay. 237 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,951 Welcome, Mr. Park. 238 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,661 - And, uh, this is Fred o'dwyer. 239 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,233 Mr. O'dwyer, tell Jack the story 240 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,777 you were telling in the elevator. 241 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:42,999 - In world war ll, 242 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,043 a kraut grenade exploded my genitals. 243 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:49,297 - Oh. So... no children, right? 244 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:50,673 - No chance. 245 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:54,928 Looks like a bowl of spaghettios down there. 246 00:09:56,179 --> 00:10:00,934 - And Jack, this is professor Milton Greene. 247 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,393 - Nice to meet you. 248 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,622 And it's nice to meet you, Jack. 249 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,459 Sorry. There was something in my throat. 250 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,360 I'm Milton Greene. 251 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,362 - Have a seat. 252 00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,537 - Oh, Jenna has a photo shoot for time out magazine. 253 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,205 - For what? - Um... nothing. 254 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,617 They're gonna name her the funniest woman in New York. 255 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,893 - Oh. What time do they need me there 256 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,377 to make her seem funny? 257 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,963 - Look, I know you're upset, but Jenna fully acknowledges 258 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,215 that you write the deal breaker sketches together. 259 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,217 - Yeah, we write them together. 260 00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:37,053 She texts her gay friends while I write till 4:00 in the morning 261 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,973 eating dry fistfuls of raisin bran to stay awake. 262 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,265 Which, by the way, 263 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,631 is how I'm able to ride the fart train to work every day. 264 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,520 - Liz... hey. 265 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,063 This is your job. 266 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,232 This is what you signed up for. 267 00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,359 - I know. 268 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,712 I like it when you use your calm, reasonable dad voice. 269 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,990 That's the voice you should use when you tell Jenna 270 00:10:57,282 --> 00:11:00,410 that I'm gonna be in that magazine with her. 271 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:03,705 - I'm-a save this for later. 272 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,415 - Look at that scammer. 273 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:09,544 What 21 -year-old wraps up half a muffin? 274 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,254 - Hey... 275 00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:12,589 Kenny. 276 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,258 - Well, hello, stranger. 277 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,469 - Do you like magazines? - I sure like s&m magazines. 278 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:22,056 S&m is my abbreviation for super and magical. 279 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,558 Yeah, well, 280 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,602 I'm selling magazine subscriptions 281 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,521 to benefit the, uh, community center. 282 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,107 How many you want? - Four? 283 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,402 - Great! That's like... $80! 284 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,366 - I'm-a get your address from my daddy. 285 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,453 - Oh, instead of doing it now. Good plan! 286 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,413 - We gotta stop that guy. 287 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,391 How can we prove to Tracy that Donald's lying? 288 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,583 - Well, I've asked Cerie 289 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,561 to look into getting a copy of his birth certificate. 290 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,604 - No. You can't get someone else's birth certificate. 291 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,296 I know, because I've been trying to steal 292 00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,668 my dead neighbor's identity 293 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,900 because sometimes it feels like too much, 294 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,635 and maybe daddy just needs to get in the car and drive. 295 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,261 - We gotta catch Donald in a lie. 296 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,697 What else do we know about him? 297 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,431 - Well, he claims to know karate. 298 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,058 - That's gotta be bogus. 299 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,286 But how do you test someone's knowledge of karate? 300 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,479 - I know karate. 301 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,196 - Um, so gentlemen, 302 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,608 is there any history of mental illness in your family? 303 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,533 Oh, don't get me started. 304 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,578 My cousin killed everyone at his job. 305 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,372 - How 'bout you, Milton? 306 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,624 - No, no, the Greenes are sharp as a tack, 307 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,167 right to the end. 308 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,419 Which makes the end all that much more terrifying. 309 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,586 My father died screaming. 310 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:38,174 - Oh. Greene... that's sort of a vague name. 311 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:43,012 You meet a lot of other Greenes at your... church? 312 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,304 Christmas? 313 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,974 - We're agnostic secular humanists. 314 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,546 - Sure, but if you had to pick... 315 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,519 - Is that you and Tom delay? 316 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,272 - Uh, yes. "The hammer" is a hero of mine. 317 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,563 I-I'm sorry. 318 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,693 Did you just snort at our former house majority leader? 319 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:58,545 - He was never my house majority leader. 320 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,238 - You've got to be kidding me. 321 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,283 - Here's Tom delay's legacy to the United States: 322 00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:06,327 Raping the environment, waging an illegal war... 323 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,122 - History will validate the liberation of Iraq. 324 00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:10,641 - I was talking about the war on drugs. 325 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:14,627 Not to mention the hypocrisy of espousing family values 326 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,963 while demonizing single mothers. 327 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,732 - What would you know about single mothers? 328 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,174 What would you know about families? 329 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,385 - I will not be spoken to this way. 330 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,470 I'm a contest winner. 331 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,198 And a professor at bennington college. 332 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,558 Oh... bennington! 333 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,202 How's that going, teaching all those kids 334 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,546 that couldn't get into middlebury? 335 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:32,886 - How dare you! - How dare you. 336 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,439 You are a huge disappointment to me. 337 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,275 - I do not understand why we're yelling at each other, 338 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,652 but I am not accustomed to losing an argument. 339 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,613 So you know what? Screw you. 340 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,366 And your fakakte contest. 341 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,870 Oh, god, no. 342 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,497 - Looking beautiful. 343 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,834 - Uh... I'm gonna get some tape. 344 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,126 - Oh, my god, Liz. 345 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,254 I'm so glad that you've insisted on doing this. 346 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:01,507 - Yay! Well, thank you for so graciously including me. 347 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,159 I know this kind of thing is all that you have in your life. 348 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:05,428 - Aw! 349 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,513 Wait... what is that? 350 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,682 Bellafonte, what is that stuff? 351 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,702 - I just thought that for some of the pictures, 352 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,644 it'd be fun if we got a little wacky. 353 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:14,562 Okay, look. 354 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,522 I know you've never done this before, 355 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,917 but I had to learn the hard way... don't use the props. 356 00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,235 They always try to get you to take one funny photo. 357 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,847 That's always the one they use, and you look like an idiot. 358 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,823 - That's always the one they use, huh? 359 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:26,657 - Don't do it. 360 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,117 Just open your mouth a little 361 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,769 and try to look like Lindsay Lohan. 362 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,496 - Great. Fabulous, ladies. 363 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,788 You look beautiful. 364 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,708 Now, Jenna, catch the chicken. 365 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,418 - Nice try, pal. 366 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,550 Not my first time on the merry-go-round, chief. 367 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,587 Not gonna do it. 368 00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,316 Staying like this... Serious and horny. 369 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,340 - I don't know. 370 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,136 With the chicken, it could make a great cover. 371 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,764 - I'll hold the chicken. 372 00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:53,601 Great. That's great. 373 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:54,977 That's so great. 374 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,230 Now act like the chicken farted. 375 00:14:57,522 --> 00:15:00,608 - Yes, yes. You're the funny one. 376 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,403 Great! That's so great. 377 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,490 - I am Lutz. 378 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,535 I understand you study the art of the empty hand. 379 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:14,163 I challenge you to kumite! 380 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,749 - Hah! Whhhh! Eeee! Whooo. 381 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,461 - Front kick. Front kick! 382 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,588 Uh, uh, escape kata! 383 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,715 Ow! 384 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,467 Pete, Liz, I see you! 385 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,759 Help mommy's baby! 386 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:30,763 Help mommy's baby! 387 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,434 - Jack, what did you say to Milton? 388 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,870 If Cornel West weren't speaking at the new school tonight, 389 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,146 I think he would have left. 390 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,647 - He should leave. 391 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,259 It's exactly what I was afraid of. 392 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,682 More family, more aggravation. 393 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,361 I'm walking away. - Why? He's just like you. 394 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,196 He's smart and worldly, 395 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:50,199 and he's really good at making fun of my shoes. 396 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,491 When he saw these, 397 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,619 he asked me when my cult was committing suicide. 398 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,121 - Okay, that's pretty good. 399 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:56,974 But Milton Greene and I are nothing alike. 400 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,624 I have one scotch with the guy, 401 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,076 and it devolves into a screaming match about Tom delay. 402 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,379 - So you have a couple drinks, fight about politics, 403 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,151 and then you take it personally when he doesn't agree with you? 404 00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,593 That's called having a dad, Jack. 405 00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:09,469 Don't walk away. 406 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,220 I think you'll regret it if you do. 407 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,347 - Or I could regret telling him. 408 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:16,225 Why would a man like that want me as a son? 409 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:17,757 - Maybe he won't. I don't know. 410 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,977 But so what? 411 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,396 Yeah, it'd hurt, 412 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,648 but then you'd just go back to being Jack Donaghy, 413 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,399 which is pretty cool. 414 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,819 - Thank you. My hair just dries like this. 415 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:30,531 - Exactly. Or you tell him, and he starts crying 416 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,575 and you hug, and then you have a dad. 417 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,368 Which is pretty cool too. 418 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,762 - Maybe you're right. - I am right. 419 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,538 Either way, you're gonna be okay. 420 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,082 One of those two things is gonna happen. 421 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,585 There's no weird third thing. 422 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,587 - Thank you, Liz. 423 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,006 By the way, did the medical supply store 424 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:50,551 where you bought those shoes have any... women's stuff? 425 00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,019 - Well, Donald obviously knows karate. 426 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,980 We still don't know how old any African-Americans are. 427 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,899 - Oh, that reminds me. 428 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,235 I got the birth certificate that you asked for. 429 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,527 - You did? How? 430 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,047 - The guy at the place just gave it to me. 431 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:14,116 - You will get old someday. 432 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,912 Tracy, stop writing that check. 433 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,373 He's 40. Don't sign that. 434 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:25,336 - Okay. That was to put in Dotcom's birthday card. 435 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,172 But you're right... The card is enough. 436 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:32,009 - Tracy... Donald is older than you are. 437 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,679 He's scamming you! 438 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,056 - I know. 439 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,391 - I'm sorry, what? 440 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,351 - Liz Lemon, I may hug people too hard 441 00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:43,729 and get lost at malls... But I'm not an idiot. 442 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,666 - Then why are you giving him all this money? 443 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:46,148 - When Donald came to me, 444 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,608 he was a fast-talking charmer 445 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,485 from the wrong side of the track. 446 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,320 He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon... 447 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:54,574 John Travolta's character from grease! 448 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:55,324 And me. 449 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,369 - So giving Donald money is what... charity? 450 00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,661 - Call it what you want. 451 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,581 But in the last three years, 452 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,624 Donald has gone from scamming celebrities 453 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,626 to being a small business owner. 454 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,503 - The dojo is real? 455 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,880 - And the community center is thriving. 456 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,341 You know Kenneth's $80 bought a chess set 457 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,926 and a crate of condoms? 458 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,886 - Those kids are really lucky. 459 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,347 - Hey. 460 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:21,892 Daddy, do you wanna go uptown and see the dojo? 461 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,062 Or should I say the Tracy Jordan institute for black karate? 462 00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:29,317 That's what y'all namin' it? 463 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:33,904 - Thank you, son. 464 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,449 Thank you. 465 00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:46,125 - Well, I hope you're happy with your cover. 466 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,417 - Oh, boy. 467 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,461 They went with birthing the chicken on the toilet. 468 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,422 - Why didn't you listen to me? 469 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:52,816 - Because I thought you were just trying 470 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,342 to keep me from being in the magazine. 471 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,570 - I was just trying to keep you from embarrassing both of us. 472 00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,638 Well, you wanted attention. You got it. 473 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,599 I hope you're happy. 474 00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,562 - I'm on the cover! 475 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,564 - And this is the backstage area. 476 00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,137 - Kenneth, I'd like to speak with Mr. Greene for a moment. 477 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,070 - And as head of this tour, I'm going to deny your request. 478 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,197 - Uh, Milton... 479 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,949 Do you remember a woman named Colleen Donaghy? 480 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,077 - Sure. 481 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:23,245 That takes me back a few years. 482 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:26,999 - 1958? - Yeah, right. 483 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,418 She rented me a room when I was a graduate student. 484 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,254 One month I couldn't pay, 485 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:36,300 so she said maybe there was something else I could give her. 486 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,095 - So I gave her my radio. - Oh. 487 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:42,348 - And a couple of weeks later, we got drunk and had sex. 488 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,641 - Uh... okay. 489 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,436 I'm Jack Donaghy, Colleen's son. 490 00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,356 I was born around nine months after that. 491 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,008 - Oh, my god. Wha... wait a minute. 492 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:54,944 I-Is this contest some mamma Mia thing? 493 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:58,572 - Milton... 494 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,492 I'm your son. 495 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,373 - Oh... of course you are. 496 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:11,043 I should have known the minute I saw you. 497 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,712 I have a son! 498 00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,547 A beautiful son! 499 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,382 - And I have a dad! 500 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:18,217 - Fate has brought us together, Jack. 501 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:21,178 You opened a whole new chapter in my life! 502 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,013 - Yeah. Isn't it amazing? 503 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:25,057 - Oh, you don't know the half of it! 504 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:28,144 I need a kidney! 505 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,438 Oh, god! 506 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,566 This is so great!