1 00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:06,423 - How late is Tracy now? - 2 1/2 hours. 2 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,133 This is outrageous. 3 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,625 Especially after I was told I can't leave during the day 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,722 for my ridiculous anger management stupid piece of crap! 5 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,098 - How did this happen? 6 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,990 I had Grizz call him at 8:00 this morning 7 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,477 and pretend it was 11:00. 8 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,371 - I printed up that fake rehearsal schedule for him, 9 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,314 saying we were starting at 9:00 instead of noon. 10 00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:23,273 - Oh, and I set all his watches and clocks 11 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,192 to say P.M. when it's really A.M. 12 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:26,985 - Oh, boy. We may have overdone it. 13 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,987 - What the hell time is it? 14 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,156 - Hey, you're here! Let's rehearse! 15 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,159 - No! I took my son to his cello recital this morning 16 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,745 at what turned out to be midnight yesterday! 17 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,872 White oppressors, answer my question. 18 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,332 What time is it, really? 19 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,709 - 2:45 P.M. - you're a bunch of racists. 20 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,670 - What? How did we jump to that already? 21 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,339 - You treat me like a child! No... worse than that! 22 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,259 You treat me like one of those little pageant girls 23 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,135 with the clip-on teeth. 24 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:55,138 - No, no, Oprah says that you teach people how to treat you, 25 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,616 and this is what you've taught us, 26 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:57,659 because you're always late 27 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,563 and you take no responsibility for your actions. 28 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,602 - Irregardless! 29 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,229 You know what? Race card. 30 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,982 - No, don't accept it! 31 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,694 - Hey, Jack, just a heads-up. 32 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,404 Tracy knows what time it is. 33 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,155 - Damn it. - Sir. 34 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:14,133 Your mother would like to have breakfast with you 35 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,409 at the hotel tomorrow, 36 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,554 and she had me make dinner reservations for tonight. 37 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,038 And by night, I mean 4:30 this afternoon. 38 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,330 - Colleen's in town? 39 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,792 If you need a break, I'd be happy to take her out. 40 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,444 There's a restaurant hostess in midtown I'd like to see cry. 41 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,907 - Thank you, but I need to be the attentive son this visit. 42 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,216 This Thursday marks an anniversary for my mother, 43 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,926 an unpleasant one. 44 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,970 35 years ago, my father, Jimmy Donaghy, 45 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,722 went out for a pack of cigarettes, 46 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,348 came back, smoked one, 47 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,120 told my mother he was leaving forever, 48 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,393 and walked out the door. 49 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:44,187 - Oh, boy, that must be hard... for both of you. 50 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,159 - He treated her like dirt all those years, 51 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,191 coming and going, taking up with other women, 52 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,235 including more than one unitarian! 53 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:51,194 Every time he came back, 54 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,363 I promised myself I would tell him off. 55 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,906 I had my speech all planned. 56 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,783 But I always chickened out. 57 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,244 It's the biggest regret of my life, Lemon... 58 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,246 And I once made love to Kathy Hilton. 59 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,832 - Do you... want a hug? 60 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,643 - What is this, the Italian parliament? 61 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,085 No, thank you, Lemon. 62 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,880 - Well, you're a good son. I know she's not easy. 63 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,066 - Sir, your mother had me move her from the Plaza 64 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,425 to the Carlyle. 65 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,260 Evidently, the concierge at the Plaza 66 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:19,640 "has a beard," and she'd rather not get raped. 67 00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,269 - Please, tell me we've started. 68 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,481 - Yes, actually, we're on our second run-through. 69 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,190 What is this? 70 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,642 - Tracy hasn't come back yet, 71 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,628 but he did sent a gibbon to rehearse in his place. 72 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,655 He's pretty good. 73 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,031 - Hey. 74 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,908 Did you guys know about this? 75 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,827 - Tracy has asked us to read this prepared statement. 76 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:43,372 "Dear racist Liz Lemon..." - Oh! 77 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,290 - "This is how you treat me, 78 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,209 "like a white-whiskered gibbon 79 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,378 "put on this earth to do nothing 80 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,338 "but dance around for your amusement 81 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,383 and reduce the insect population of Malaysia." 82 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,300 - Okay, I don't know 83 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,053 which of these five cell numbers he answers, 84 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,305 but you get Tracy down here right now. 85 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,533 - Why? The gibbon is on time, he knows his blocking, 86 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,019 and he doesn't try to bite the dancers! 87 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,857 - I think I've proven my point. 88 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,819 - Oh, my god! 89 00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,391 Like we really have time for you 90 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,012 to walk down the stairs that slowly! 91 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,490 Time jump! 92 00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,867 Tracy, it costs the show a lot of money 93 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,286 when you pull these shenanigans. 94 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,373 - Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon. 95 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,333 We have a black president now. 96 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,335 - What do you care? You voted for Nader! 97 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,087 - This is post-racial america, 98 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,965 and I demand to be treated like everyone else. 99 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:35,882 - You wanna be treated like everybody else? 100 00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:37,300 Fantastic. 101 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:40,262 Then tomorrow, I'm sending a regular town car for you 102 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,180 instead of one of those duck tour boats. 103 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,724 - Fine. 104 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,618 - And you're no longer allowed to point at women 105 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,811 in the cafeteria and yell, "I wanna get that pregnant!" 106 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:50,188 - Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home. 107 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,442 - And be here tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and know your lines. 108 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,029 - You don't think I could do that? 109 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:01,074 - We'll find out tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. 110 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,034 - Fine, but I'll have the last laugh. 111 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,494 Ha ha ha ha ha! 112 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,705 - Ah ha ha ha ha! 113 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,379 - Hoo hah hah hah hah! 114 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,465 - Ah ha ha ha ha! 115 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:27,301 ♪ ♪ 116 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,991 - Beth, that was a big mistake you made. 117 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,160 - Grizz, it was a year ago. You're engaged now. 118 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,828 Just drop it, okay... 119 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,120 Oh, hey, Dotcom. 120 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:49,890 - Yelling at Tracy in front of everybody 121 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,249 was a bad move, Liz. 122 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,877 - Yeah, well, it's not my job to protect his feelings. 123 00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:55,396 - I told you she would turn cold. 124 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,420 She's an ice queen. 125 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,256 - Grizz. - I'm just sayin'. 126 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,134 You humiliate Tracy in front of everybody like that, 127 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,095 you give him two choices... One, he won't show up tomorrow, 128 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,157 and you'll look like a fool in front of your crew. 129 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,684 Or two, he will show up... 130 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,776 - And he'll find an even worse way to act out. 131 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,231 - Exactly. 132 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,361 - Jack! 133 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,654 What are you doing here? 134 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:22,386 - I'm here to pick you up for dinner. 135 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,489 - No dinner. 136 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,116 We're having breakfast in the morning. 137 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,034 I told your girl. 138 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,911 - My assistant is named Jonathan. 139 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,288 - Yes, I know. I met him. 140 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,900 - And he also said we had a reservation for dinner tonight. 141 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,060 - Well, Jack, there's been a misunderstanding. 142 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,919 I have a previous engagement with a friend. 143 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,964 - Colleen, can I borrow one of your ties? 144 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,256 - Oh, brother. 145 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:41,842 Paul, this is Jack, my son. 146 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,636 Jack, this is Paul Brett. 147 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:45,968 - Mother, I didn't realize 148 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,240 you were bringing a companion along. 149 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,975 - Companion? Ha! How fancy. 150 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,643 Paul lives in Florida. 151 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,937 He paints landscapes and he makes his own soda. 152 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,022 - Jack, why don't you join us for dinner? 153 00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,400 - Great! I'll call the restaurant. 154 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,987 See if they can seat a third wheel. 155 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,114 - Ah. Another day done. 156 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,991 Now let's get outta here 157 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:10,829 before we realize we've forgotten about something. 158 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:19,713 - I feel like we're half-assing this. 159 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,274 - Oh, I didn't know anyone was here. 160 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,898 That wasn't me screaming in the bathroom. 161 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,151 What are you doing with him? 162 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,095 - Oh, Mr. Jordan says he doesn't need it anymore. 163 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,888 - So you're just letting him go? 164 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,179 - Well, don't worry. 165 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,891 Once it tries to mate with a child, 166 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,934 I'm sure animal control will just shoot it. 167 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,687 - No! He's not an animal. Look at him! 168 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:36,979 He's a little person! 169 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,150 Oh, he loves me! 170 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,986 Somebody loves me. 171 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:44,988 I'm gonna name him little Jenna 172 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,825 and let him live in my dressing room. 173 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,042 - Lemon, Colleen brought her boyfriend. 174 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,334 His name is Paul. 175 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,170 - What? Really? - I don't like this guy. 176 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:01,462 I don't trust him. 177 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,632 I mean, he's four years younger than my mother. 178 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:04,924 He wears a pinkie ring. 179 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,886 When the waiter brought over the food, he said, "abbondanza." 180 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,614 - Okay, Jack, I know this is a stressful time 181 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:10,931 for you and your mother... 182 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,159 - You're right... I don't like the timing of this at all. 183 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,623 Colleen is very vulnerable right now, 184 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,037 and scam artists can smell that sort of thing. 185 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,687 Have you ever been to Florida? 186 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,332 It's basically a criminal population. 187 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,356 It's america's Australia. 188 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,359 - Come on, maybe he just likes her. 189 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,694 You know, some men like older women. 190 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,155 - Let's... not make this about you, okay? 191 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,659 I've gotta call my private investigator. 192 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,911 - Liz, they want you onstage for rehearsal. 193 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,871 - Tracy's here already? - I guess so. 194 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,163 You know, this food area 195 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,558 is always the first place I go to look for you... 196 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,710 - Thank you, Cerie. 197 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,965 - Tracy, you're here already. 198 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,884 - Professional is my middle name. 199 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:52,055 - No need. I've got it memorized. 200 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,350 I'm going to do a Valentino cross, 201 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,769 camera right, then dump the laugh. 202 00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,771 So stay on your fours, guys! 203 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,273 - One, two, three, jump and pose! 204 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,943 3:15. Time for union break. 205 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,241 - Thank you, Tracy! That is so great for morale. 206 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:12,784 Listen, about yesterday... 207 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,786 - No. Do not apologize. 208 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,180 In fact... everyone gather around. 209 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,831 Actor announcement. 210 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,000 I want to publicly thank you, Liz Lemon, 211 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,211 for you have shown me that in today's world 212 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,798 everyone should be treated exactly the same. 213 00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,259 No one should get preferential treatment. 214 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,386 - I agree. Exactly. 215 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,639 - Not black comedy superstars. Not hispanics. 216 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:38,018 Not Indians. Not whatever this guy is. 217 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,894 And not women, Liz Lemon. 218 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,105 - I'm right there with you, Tracy. 219 00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:45,233 - Good. I feel parched from being so professional. 220 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,027 Could I trouble you for some water? 221 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:50,071 - Yeah, of course. 222 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,786 Brian, would you help me out with this? 223 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,246 - No! No! 224 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,832 Equality. - What? 225 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,324 - Everyone should be treated the same, right, Liz Lemon? 226 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,420 You should change it. 227 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:09,382 - Yeah, okay. I know how to do this. 228 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,770 - No one help her! 229 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,155 - I got it. That's good. 230 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:36,576 Just gotta get my hammies in the handles so I... 231 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,164 Hold on. 232 00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,458 Oof! 233 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,391 All right! 234 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,061 Let's... take it from the top. 235 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:16,908 - Hello, len. 236 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,202 - Oh. Thanks for meeting me here, Mr. Donaghy. 237 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,413 - You, uh... staking out a cheating husband? 238 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,916 - No. I'm taking a photography class. 239 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,085 Look at the way the sunlight hits that cobweb. 240 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,755 - So, uh, what have you got for me? 241 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,608 - Well, I looked into this Paul Brett guy, 242 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,758 and I gotta tell you, 243 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,094 this is the weirdest case I've ever worked. 244 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,946 - I knew it. What is he, a check forger? 245 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,223 Real estate swindler? Bird owner? 246 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,933 - No, he's clean. - What? 247 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,536 - I've never seen anything like it. 248 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,103 Everyone's got something to hide. 249 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,373 For instance, I'm wearing a child's Halloween costume 250 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,397 under this. 251 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,276 But this guy... no priors, no debts. 252 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,528 He's been married to his wife Louise for 35 years. 253 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,446 - He's married? - Yeah. 254 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,782 I wish I had more to give you. 255 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,909 But this Paul Brett guy, he's, uh... 256 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,369 He's like a boy scout. 257 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,788 I'm sorry, Mr. Donaghy. 258 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,547 - Miss Maroney, I have the ukulele you asked for. 259 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,839 - Oh, it's not for me. 260 00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:16,843 Someone's in a little mariachi band today. 261 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,553 - Ma'am, this is a wild animal. 262 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,125 You can't treat it like a person. 263 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,388 - No, he's happy. 264 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,224 His costume is hiding his erection. 265 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,956 - Well, as a child, I had a prize pig 266 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,769 that I thought was my best friend. 267 00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,856 But then one day, I picked up one of her piglets. 268 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,816 She went crazy! 269 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,860 She bit off my nut sack 270 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,696 that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels. 271 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,824 Please be careful, miss Maroney. 272 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,872 - Tracy did that thing with the water on purpose. 273 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:47,884 Grizz and Dotcom warned me he would act out. 274 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:50,168 - Look, if Tracy's revenge plan 275 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,128 involves him being good at his job, 276 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,173 you might have to just take it. 277 00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,135 - Hello, Liz Lemon. 278 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,678 I was just telling these fellas 279 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,056 about how you don't wanna be treated any differently 280 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,266 because you're a woman. 281 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,998 - Well, thank you. Of course I don't. 282 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,063 - Really. You don't want us to hold back anymore. 283 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,481 - I'm sorry... were you guys holding back something? 284 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,191 - Our farts, to start with. 285 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,236 - Also, we didn't invite you to Lutz's fake bachelor party. 286 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:17,695 - Lutz's what? 287 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,340 - I realize I'm never getting married 288 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,484 because of my gland thing... 289 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:21,800 But I wanna have a bachelor party. 290 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,202 - Well, you should have invited me. 291 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,496 It's not fair... That you didn't. 292 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,373 - We're goin' to a strip club. 293 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,918 - I'm glad that we're having this conversation, 294 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,045 because we live in a world 295 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,797 where a lot of the old divisions 296 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,715 are starting to disappear. 297 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,218 And I hope to have a daughter someday, 298 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,428 and I want her to... 299 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,138 Aghh. Oh, god, what is that smell? 300 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,224 Oh, dear lord, Frank! 301 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,060 It's like orange-flavored egg! It's in my mouth! 302 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,937 - Good. We're learning. 303 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,563 - This next one's me. 304 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,066 - Ohh! 305 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,325 - Hey, Jack, do you treat me any differently 306 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,910 because I'm a woman? 307 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,913 - Well, I pay you a little less, yes. 308 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,205 - No, I mean day-to-day. 309 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,958 Do you coddle me? - In some ways. 310 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,876 With a man, I can be more direct, 311 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,796 but with you, uh, I have to have a conversation, 312 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,256 talk things through more. 313 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,133 - Gimme an example. 314 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:23,636 - Well, uh... right now comes to mind. 315 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,930 Are we through listening and sharing, 316 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,350 because I have something I want you to look at. 317 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,893 - It's a marriage certificate. 318 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,812 - It's Paul's marriage certificate. 319 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,230 My mother's boyfriend. 320 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,149 He's married. - What? 321 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:39,319 - I knew I was right. That guy is shady! 322 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,010 - Oh, my god. Have you told Colleen? 323 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,070 - No Colleen. 324 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,516 I have an opportunity here, Lemon, 325 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:47,035 a chance to go back to the past to put things right 326 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,327 that once went wrong. 327 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,330 - That's the quantum leap intro. 328 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:51,621 - Be that as it may, 329 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,125 I'm finally going to stand up for Colleen. 330 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,128 The small part of her that is still human deserves it. 331 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,880 I'll see Paul, 332 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,332 and I'll give him the speech I wrote for Jimmy Donaghy. 333 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,843 - Paul's not your dad, Jack. - But Paul's here. 334 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304 And he's taking advantage of my mother. 335 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,681 Now, what I originally wrote for my father 336 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:09,973 may be dated. 337 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,643 Who would be our current nikita khrushchev? 338 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,062 - Mm... Simon Cowell? 339 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,856 - Now you're standing on the very spot 340 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,776 where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar's virginity. 341 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,148 - I thought I heard a tour. 342 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,487 Boy, people are not gonna believe 343 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,197 that you saw this. 344 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,324 So take a lot of pictures. - Miss Maroney. 345 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:29,410 No good will come of this. This is unnatural. 346 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,289 - It is unnatural... for a grandmother to look this good! 347 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,041 Little Jenna had a baby last night. 348 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,918 Crowd: Ooh! 349 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,378 - Thank you. 350 00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:46,386 - Good job with the water, Liz. 351 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:49,013 - Ow, Frank! What the hell? 352 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,075 - What? I'm trying to treat you like one of us. 353 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,017 - Hello, Elizabeth. 354 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,020 - Tracy, shouldn't you be working down on Stage? 355 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,273 - I'm done with my work. I was very professional. 356 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,001 - Hmm. That must have been hard for you. 357 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,025 - It was. 358 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,321 - All right, Tracy's here. Let's do this bachelor party. 359 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,865 - Yeah! - You coming, Liz Lemon? 360 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,426 Because a dude boss would be a jerk 361 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,702 if he didn't come to Lutz's bachelor party. 362 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,914 Also a dude boss would pay for it. 363 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:20,211 - Yeah, I'm coming. Of course I'm coming. 364 00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:23,089 But you're not. - Twist! 365 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,757 - You have to stay here. 366 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,260 I haven't gotten your notes on the rewrite, 367 00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:29,762 and your input is invaluable to the process... 368 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,348 Since we're all equal now. 369 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,853 Let's go see some naked daughters and moms! 370 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,312 - All right! - Whoo hoo! 371 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,321 - Oh. Hello, Jack. 372 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,699 I'm sorry. Your mom's out shopping. 373 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:50,991 - I know. 374 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,469 My credit card company called to confirm 375 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,705 my purchase of a book entitled intercourse after hip surgery 376 00:15:55,997 --> 00:16:00,251 - well... why don't you come on in? 377 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,045 I'm just watching the hotel channel. 378 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,089 You can check out on the TV. 379 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,008 - I bet you can, you son of a bitch. 380 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,300 - I beg your pardon? 381 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,095 - I am tired of watching you treat my mother like this. 382 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,931 I am not afraid of you. You're just a big bully. 383 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,100 Like Simon Cowell. That's right. 384 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,935 I just called you a communist. 385 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,937 I want you out of our lives forever, 386 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:22,106 And I want you to know 387 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:22,899 that I am never going to be 388 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,109 anything like you when I grow up. 389 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,945 - What in god's name is going on here? 390 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:31,699 - Paul is leaving, mother. And I think you should know why. 391 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:32,991 He's married. 392 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,702 - Oh, my... 393 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,245 I know that! 394 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,206 Paul... 395 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,938 Find something to do in the bathroom. 396 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,126 I have to talk to my son. 397 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,296 Okay. 398 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,088 Shoot. 399 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,965 - You knew? 400 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,967 - It's Florida, Jack! 401 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,304 It's like it never stopped being the '70s down there. 402 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,265 And a guy like Paul, who can drive at night, 403 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,309 you just don't say no to that! 404 00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,601 - Well, I apologize then. 405 00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:01,938 I thought we were going to get through this together. 406 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,940 I guess your coping mechanism 407 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,192 is to bring a married man back to your hotel room! 408 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:07,652 - Coping? 409 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,071 What am I supposed to be coping with? 410 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,157 - It's the 35th anniversary of dad leaving! 411 00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,785 - Which time, Jack? 412 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,829 That man left and came back so many times 413 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,623 that I totally lost count! 414 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:23,668 One night, he went out to move the car, 415 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,044 and he was gone... 416 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,005 From the spring of '57 until... 417 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,925 One night he just showed up out of the Blue! 418 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,297 "Put your shoes on, collie. 419 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,095 We're goin' to see some like it hot." 420 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,847 - Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not kidding you! 421 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,183 - You honestly don't remember when he left for good, 422 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,144 because I sure as hell do. 423 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,147 - Oh, my god. Is that what this is all about? 424 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,985 Is that what you've been holding onto all these years? 425 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:53,322 Jack, stop wasting your time thinking about that man! 426 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,032 You're nothing like him, you know. 427 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,159 No way you ever could be. 428 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,161 - What does that mean? - I don't know. 429 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:01,664 I'm old, Jack, you know? 430 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:04,333 And I don't know what I'm thinking about half the time. 431 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,253 I do know this: 432 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,256 You're my good boy. 433 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:13,884 I just love ya to death. 434 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,724 - Thank you, mother. And I love you too. 435 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,225 - Paul! 436 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,227 You're on your own tonight. 437 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,271 I have a date with my son. 438 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,898 He's taking me out to a late dinner. 439 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,942 It's, uh, 6:00. 440 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,405 - Whoops! 441 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,076 - Say you like my body. 442 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,268 I don't wanna be here! 443 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,919 I don't like it here! Who's this guy? 444 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,222 - Okay, which one of us is gonna give up first? 445 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,026 - The black one. I can't take it anymore! 446 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,261 I hate it! 447 00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,146 - One of those strippers took of Lutz's shirt. 448 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:01,384 That gland thing is no joke! 449 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,768 - Everything is upside down! 450 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:04,769 - We need to go back to the way things were 451 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,313 with both of us getting preferential treatment. 452 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,106 - Yes. We upset the natural order. 453 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,068 You're going to strip clubs. I'm up writing all night. 454 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,195 - Look who's a sailor! 455 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,030 - We're dressing monkeys up as people, 456 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,616 and monkeys are playing with people as toys! 457 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,034 - It's not a toy, Tracy. 458 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,120 Little Jenna thinks that this is her baby. 459 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,958 - Oh, no! - You said you loved me! 460 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,710 Your foot fingers are so strong! 461 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,522 - We don't wanna end up like those two. 462 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:35,675 You're so right. 463 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:36,966 - We're okay! 464 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,719 He's just expressing himself! 465 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:44,350 - Hey, before you hear crazy rumors and start believing them, 466 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,060 the gibbon did not attack Jenna. 467 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,145 He was trying to mate with her face. 468 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,856 - What? - Nothing. Everyone's fine. 469 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,359 Hey! Some like it hot. I love this movie. 470 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,194 - My mother told me she and my dad 471 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,697 went to see it together, 472 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,216 and if that's the stuff she remembers, 473 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,075 maybe that's how I should remember him too... 474 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,328 On a date with my mom instead of walking out the door. 475 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,665 - 1959. Boy, it would have been fun to write back then. 476 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,084 You could get away with crazy plot twists 477 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,420 because audiences were so much less sophisticated. 478 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,879 - Wait a minute. 479 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,757 This movie came out in 1959? 480 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,009 How could my father have been gone 481 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,096 from the spring of '57 until 1959 482 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:26,183 if I was conceived in '58... 483 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:29,979 Jimmy Donaghy's not my father. 484 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,106 Twist!