Thanks for coming out. Thanks for watching.
Love, peace, and hair grease.
Hey, Liz.
Me, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh are gonna go to that bar
where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.
You in?
No, I'm just gonna go to the 24-hour
donut place and go home.
All right.
Donuts and then bed.
What are you depressed about or celebrating?
It's this endless adoption process.
It took me three months... Liz.
I am totally humiliated.
How could you cut diaper chicken?
Wait, I know. Because Tracy's the star.
Oh, brother, she's feeling neglected.
How's she gonna act out this time?
My ankle! Ah!
Oh, imaginary injury.
I would have said death of a voice coach.
Her birthday's on Tuesday.
Maybe all that attention will make her ankle feel better.
Hey, Jack!
What are you still doing here? It's Friday night.
I need something to do.
Don't you have some gallery opening
or a fundraiser to give bowties
to inner city youths?
Of course.
But I'm committed to Elisa.
While she's away I'm trying to avoid temptation.
I just need somewhere I can socialize where women
aren't an issue. Finally!
Hey, now. Ninja times!
♪ ♪
Excuse me?
Can we get a little service over here... okay.
Dude, I know you're getting these messages
because I know how to check your voicemail.
You are officially a d-bag, Tim.
I hope you lose your indoor soccer game!
Sorry, what can I get you?
A dozen assorted for me
to take home to my family
and the lady will have...
A dozen assorted.
Adoption brochure.
Should you be working the night shift alone like this?
It's fine. They gave me a gun.
That's $6.80.
I will have mine to stay, please.
You want a dozen donuts to stay?
And a skim milk.
What are you doing, Liz? Making a new friend.
I don't like this. You have crazy eyes.
You have shut-up mouth.
I don't want any part of this. Then get out of here.
Boy, that creative thing you guys do,
writing jokes for a living,
making the world laugh.
What do your dads tell their friends you do?
Surgeon.
Optometrist.
Died.
I never really knew my dad.
So I just lie to myself.
Space assassin.
I grew up without a father too, Frank.
Good ol' Billy Donaghy left when I was two.
He'd show up every now and then to impregnate my mom,
punch out umpires in my little league.
Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles
for my fourth-birthday lasagne and never came back.
My whole life I said I was gonna be something.
Restore the glory of the Rossitano name.
In sicilian dialect, it means "well poisoner."
In Gaelic, Donaghy means "dung basket."
So I worked my ass off at S.U.N.Y.
Got into Fordham law.
No. You went to law school?
Yeah.
But I had to drop out after a semester
'cause my mom got sick.
Mothers.
So what are we doing next, fellas?
Don't tell me we're calling it a night already.
How lame do you think we are?
The night is young.
We're going to Lutz's to watch movies.
Tonight, a classic.
Harry and the Hendersons.
You in, Jack?
Uh, yes, but I don't wanna go to Lutz's apartment.
His contract is up and I don't wanna feel sorry for him.
What do you say we go to my place?
I can do it. Sounds good.
And when I told Tim I was pregnant,
he just freaked out and didn't call me for a week.
Then he texted me and he was like,
"oh, I love you. No, I'm mad at you.
You did this on purpose."
As if.
Meanwhile, his Myface page still says "status: Horny."
And I'm, like, if you care about me at all,
at least have the decency to Skype me face to face.
Man, there are just so many
different devices for guys to not call you on now.
When I was your age, you could just be like,
"oh, he probably tried to call me but my line was busy."
And then just watch falcon crest and cry yourself to sleep.
Thanks for listening to me blab.
So what's your plan when the baby comes?
I don't know.
I've been talking to an adoption lady,
but I just don't feel comfortable
with any of the people.
They all just seem really old and weird.
Not one of them even knew who Neo is.
♪ I need you ♪
Finally, thank you. Somebody cool for once.
Get out of here!
Can't you see we don't want you anymore?
Why can't you go back where you came from?
And leave us alone!
Go.
Go!
Good-bye, my friend.
He had to be mean to save him.
Harry belonged in the woods.
It gets me every time.
This reminds me of my favorite movie.
Shane.
Aww, when Joey wants to go with Shane
and Shane makes him stay?
Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers.
Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies
where the father-figure pushes away
the child/legendary north-American forest ape.
Yeah, but in the movies, it's a good thing.
Harry went back to the woods.
It works out in real life too.
We're both doing all right.
Yeah.
Mm.hmm, mm.
Excuse me, Mr. Jordan.
I was just updating my staff birthday list
and I discovered I don't have yours.
That's because I don't have a birthday, Ken.
What?
I don't have a birth certificate
'cause I was born inside of yankee stadium.
I bounced around foster families so much,
no one ever bothered to throw me a party.
Oh, but even prisoners have birthday parties.
I saw one on oz.
It was... interesting.
I don't need a birthday.
'Cause I buy myself all the presents I need.
And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.
Oh, but birthdays aren't about presents.
They're about being surrounded by people who love you
and eating a cake with your name on it and making a wish.
I'm sad you never had that.
My birthday's September 21st, not that anyone asked.
Hi, Frank. Oh, hey, Jack.
This morning it hit me in the shower
why the Hendersons named their guest Harry.
Yeah.
That film has layers.
I was also thinking about what you told me
about your family and law school.
Yeah, sorry. I was drunk.
I shouldn't have told you that stuff.
No, no, no. I'm glad you did.
We have a lot in common.
We both have recurring dreams
about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.
Okay, we were both drunk.
But I wanna help you.
So I made some phone calls and if you want,
you can resume your law studies at Columbia,
this semester, full scholarship, no strings attached.
Are you serious?
Make your mother proud, Frank.
Make your father hate any new children he might have.
But... I've got a whole other life now.
I guess.
But we both know you shouldn't be working at a desk with...
Fake vomit on it.
Right.
Fake.
Excuse me.
Oh, god, please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.
Becca!
Hi. Oh.
Congratulations.
What is she doing here?
She is the show's new youth consultant.
It's a thing. The cw has them.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you're in charge of all of this.
It is challenging and satisfying
but it can't fulfill all of me.
I've got so much more to give.
Welcome.
Um, so do you want me to start
youth consulting now?
Because kids would not be into that.
Oh, Lutz?
Yeah, that guy's the worst.
Kenneth, this is the dress I'll be wearing
to my birthday party.
Please make sure no one else plans
to wear the same thing.
Yes, ma'am.
Did you know Mr. Jordan
has never had a birthday party?
He was too poor growing up.
Oh, that's horrible.
My heart goes out to all the inner city kids.
Especially those too fat to dance their way out.
I'm glad you feel that way, 'cause we have this big party
planned for you.
I know.
And we thought you could share it with Mr. Jordan.
The party, the attention, everything.
Isn't that a great idea?
That's so great.
I can't believe Tim hasn't called.
I guess I don't even care about us anymore.
But this is his baby.
I mean, him not even being there for the kid
is totally washed.
Typical Tim.
Anyway
I guess I have two choices.
Go back home, try to get back with Tim
and keep the baby, or give up the baby
and focus on my music.
So, Tim, keep baby.
Music, give up baby.
Can I play you one of my songs?
♪ Now we are joined ♪
♪ in a cobweb of rainbows ♪
Stop.
Stop right there.
Tears.
The world needs to hear your music.
You have crossed a line, Liz Lemon.
Becca's never gonna make it with those songs.
Says who?
Being terrible has never prevented
success in the music business.
Look at biz Markie or the doors.
Look, before we were happily married with five kids,
Paula and I were Tim and Becca.
And I can tell you right now, she is confused
and he is terrified.
He ran away, Pete.
So did I. Five times.
But I came back.
And when my caveman brain saw those babies
with their little Hornberger foreheads, it clicked.
You gotta give Tim and Becca the same chance.
Hey, what are you doing?
My pregnant teen message board says the baby
gets all its food from the mother,
so you have to give it stuff it likes.
No, the baby can't taste anything.
It just gets nutrients from you.
I'm gonna post a reply to JUNO32
and tell her she's a giant asswipe.
I can't believe you don't have kids.
What's that?
Well, you'd make such a great mom.
You're smart, successful, grounded.
Aw, go on.
You already dress like a mom.
And stop.
It's not the right time for me to have a family.
But is that something you'd want?
Yeah, Becca. It is.
Will you sing with me, Liz?
Oh, I'd rath...
♪ Mothers and fathers ♪
♪ and jugglers and judges ♪
♪ now we are joined in a cobweb of rainbows ♪
He's coming!
The plan is working! I bit my tongue!
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Oh, what a schmo, entering first.
Now I'm the headliner and he's just the warm-up act.
I'm Mr. Don Rickles and he's just me.
But I don't have a birthday!
You do now 'cause we all love you
and wanted you to feel this Joy.
I do feel it.
You're all so amazing.
And to think I was just calling y'all
a bunch of racists.
Aww.
Stop.
Jenna time.
Friends. Frank?
I am leaving TGS
for Columbia law school to pursue my dream
of becoming a lawyer.
Did you know that if you sing happy birthday
on a TV show you have to pay for it?
I did not know that.
♪ Hap... ♪
Hey!
My dad got us all seats for opening day
at the new yankee stadium!
Cerie, Cerie, Cerie, Cerie, Cerie!
Ow, ow.
No one ask me about my back brace.
Make a wish, Mr. Jordan. Blow out the candles.
Cerie, Frank, and Tracy! Cerie, Frank, and Tracy!
No one ask me
about my back brace!
Oh!
Hey, Jack. Frank.
Is that you?
I decided to take you up on your offer.
Good man, and you went to my tailor.
That's the same cut Reagan wore the day he got shot.
My mom is going nuts.
She's insisting you come over and let her cook you dinner.
Home cooked Italian? I'm there.
Now let me hear you say the seven most important words
in the American judicial system.
My client has no memory of that.
I also would have accepted,
"you can't prove that's the governor's semen."
Okay.
Yes!
What's the matter, Mr. Jordan?
I know you only make cheese friends
when something's bothering you.
You were right, Ken.
Birthdays are special.
And now mine's over.
And who knows when February 24th will come again?
Now that warm, happy feeling is gone,
there's no cake in my mouth,
and that birthday wish is malarkey.
Malarkey!
Come on, Daniel.
I am so proud of you.
A lawyer.
Someday you'll have an ad on the subway
in English and Spanish.
Yeah.
And this man.
What you have done for my boy.
Frankie, go open up some more wine.
You got it, mom.
What do you think you're doing to my boy?
I'm trying to help him.
I see myself in Frank.
I mean, we both have fathers that abandoned us.
What do you know about his father?
You want Frank to be a lawyer so he won't be like his father?
His father was a lawyer!
And his father's father.
All the Rossitano men are lawyers.
It's in their blood to be lawyers!
Then what's the... for the mob!
What?
Frankie's father didn't abandon him.
He's in hiding in Phoenix.
Every Rossitano man is either in hiding
or six feet under.
You want me to paint you a picture?
'Cause I did!
It's part of a therapy-through-painting thing.
I had no idea.
Well, you shoulda guessed.
I don't think I should have.
Whatever.
I am not gonna take my kid's dream away from him.
You made this mess, you clean it up.
I don't care how.
But Francis Rossitano cannot become a lawyer.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Liz.
Do you know a Tim?
What? Why?
Security says that there's a Tim Baker downstairs.
Here? He came here?
That's Becca's ex-boyfriend.
Tell them to send him to 15.
He's coming to steal my baby.
Don't even ask about the wheelchair.
Okay.
Also, my old vocal coach died!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Lemon, are you okay?
That pregnant girl,
she was going to give me her baby.
But now that dad is here, he's gonna ruin everything.
What are you about to do?
I'm the one who's been there for Becca
for almost two days.
This Tim guy is totally washed!
Lemon, there was once a great American
named George Henderson.
He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch,
and despite its dangerous message of environmentalism,
became his friend.
When the time came to do the hard thing
and send it back into the forest where it belonged
and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle,
George Henderson summoned the strength
and by god, he did it.
Did it hurt? You bet it hurt.
Like a bastard.
But he did it because it was the right thing to do...
For the woodland ape.
You think about that.
What?!
Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
You've seen it?
This is my life, Jack.
Oh, my!
Miss Maroney, are you okay?
Well, I think I'll be okay in time for tomorrow's show.
But then I have to go in for more tests.
I'm so brave.
Oh, I wish you felt better
so you could help us figure out
what Mr. Jordan's birthday wish coulda been.
What? Why?
So we can make it come true and his birthday
can go on and on.
We've narrowed it down to
"own a robocop,
"hunt that elephant that paints,
or breakfast in bed."
But it wasn't his birthday.
It was my birthday.
Oh, forget it.
I'm tired of making you people
try to care for me.
You don't care for me, clearly.
Nobody does.
My birthday wish came true!
What?
I wished for you to get better.
I was gonna wish for breakfast in bed with robocop
while a elephant paints us.
We were close.
But then I saw you with that back brace on
right before I blew out my candles.
It's a birthday miracle!
Tracy, that's the kindest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Now let's make miss Maroney's birthday wish come true.
Oh, that's so sweet.
But who would I celebrate with
if y'all were in a car accident?
Are you Tim? Becca's Tim?
I'm her friend, Jenna. And she does not wanna see you.
She's very mad and she wants you to leave.
Okay. That's, uh...
That's for the best.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
What floor is the Sci-Fi channel on?
Argh! Fine, Lithgow.
I'll do the right thing. God!
I guess someone's been watching the world according to garp.
Damn it, Tim, wait.
Becca does wanna see you.
She wants it more than anything, okay?
No, when you said she didn't wanna see me,
it was such a relief.
This baby thing is freaking me out.
You know how many people want what just got
dropped in your lap?
"Oh, now's not a good time.
"I wanna go to burning man." Shut up, Tim!
Do you love Becca?
She's, like, my soul mate.
I mean, in another life... You're not listening, dummy!
Nut up right now, get a job,
and help raise that kid.
Love it because it has your goony face
and get married and have disposable cameras
at the wedding because it's fun and people like it.
Where are we going?
I already cleaned out my office.
You've gotta go back where you belong.
You've gotta go.
No, I'm gonna be a lawyer.
I'm going to be like you.
Get outta here!
Go to the writer's room!
There is no scholarship!
Can't you see we don't want you anymore?
Think about it, Tim.
Do you really want your kid to grow up without a father?
Jack, I don't understand.
Why don't you go back where you came from?
Leave me alone!
Good-bye, my friend.
Those two, they both grew up without fathers.
Hey, baby.
My god. Look at your boobs.
Kiss or something. Go on.
Oh.
♪ Rainbows and the cobwebs ♪
♪ and the cobwebs of the rainbows ♪
And stop.
I guess, in a way,
we both lost children today.
Yeah, but mine was real, Jack.
Yours was Frank.
Don't worry, Lemon.
I'm confident that someday you'll have everything you want.
Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building?
It... it's like a maze!
I keep walking past the same...
Sbarro's!
Yeah.
I'm a celebrity! Please!
Sad.