1 00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:06,048 Mm-hmm. 2 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,926 Uh, is this important? 3 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:09,927 It'll just take a second. 4 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,720 Fine, but Mr. Donaghy 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,823 is on another call right now and doesn't have time 6 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,247 for a separate interaction with you. 7 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,910 So everything he says will have to work 8 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,101 for both conversations. 9 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,728 Really? Lemon. 10 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,731 Lemon works for your business call? 11 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,375 Oh, right, well, I just wanted to let you know 12 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,151 that I have to go to Chicago for jury duty 13 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,296 because I never changed my residence to New York. 14 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,446 Why not? 15 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,115 Because I wanted to vote in a swing state, Jack. 16 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:33,676 Also, I want to stay on the mailing list 17 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,077 at Chicago pizza explosion. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,828 How fast can you turn it around? 19 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,747 Who, me? Oh, right. 20 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,199 I'll fly back in the morning. 21 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,476 I never get put in a jury. 22 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,168 I wear my Princess Leia costume, 23 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,127 and they dismiss me immediately. 24 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,088 Well, that sounds good for both of us. 25 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:46,964 Thank you very much, sir. 26 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,591 Ha. That last part didn't work both ways. 27 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:50,342 You said sir. 28 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,135 I think it worked fine. 29 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,805 I'll have Jonathan call travel and upgrade your flight. 30 00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:57,683 Sweet. What do you take to fly? 31 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:58,975 Candy and magazines. 32 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,226 No, no, no. Pills. 33 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,396 Nobody flies without medication anymore. 34 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,274 Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog? 35 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,901 Comanaprisil? 36 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,780 It may cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime. 37 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,115 It's... very good. 38 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,284 Tyler Brody 39 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,577 on two, sir. 40 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,453 Tyler Brody? The dude from the Olympics? 41 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,415 Yes, he was the silver medalist in tetherball. 42 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,059 Speedman's caught an angle. 43 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,251 Tyler Brody is flailing. 44 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,919 And there's the coil. 45 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,422 Lance Speedman is the olympic tetherball champion. 46 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:31,174 And Tyler Brody can't believe it. 47 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,344 Boy, there sure are a lot of weird olympic events these days. 48 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:38,140 Not that weird, Lemon. 49 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,975 Tetherball we faked. 50 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,907 What? Why would you fake an olympic event? 51 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,144 For ratings. 52 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,813 We staged several events 53 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,499 so that Americans could win more medals. 54 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:47,983 That's despicable. 55 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,315 It took years of planning, 56 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,695 and now Tyler Brody is threatening 57 00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,267 to go public and ruin everything. 58 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:54,842 So, obviously, I have a lot on my plate 59 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,658 and no time to babysit the sixth floor, 60 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,428 so before you go gallivanting off to Chicago, 61 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,456 make sure you get your people under control. 62 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,375 Be a Manager. Yeah, yeah. 63 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,463 Liz, Tracy is countersuing me. 64 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,357 Good morning. For defamation of character. 65 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,883 How can you defame someone 66 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,415 who's been arrested in three different Chuck E. Cheese's? 67 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,054 Do y'all know who I am? 68 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,474 Seriously. Please, tell me who I am. 69 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,268 Jenna, I'm not taking sides in this lawsuit thing. 70 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,560 It's ridiculous. 71 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,688 Tracy's video game never would have worked 72 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,564 without my voice acting. 73 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:28,856 I deserve to get paid. 74 00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,108 Liz Lemon! 75 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,400 Nemesis. Yuck. 76 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,611 Liz, will you tell Tracy 77 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,088 I don't even want to speak with him. 78 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,281 Okay, two can play at that game. 79 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,693 Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him? 80 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,410 That's not even... Okay, that's it. 81 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,454 I am calling human resources 82 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,106 and setting up a mediation for you. 83 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,916 I told you. I don't drink that much at work. 84 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,334 Mediation is a binding form 85 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,671 of non-judicial dispute resolution. 86 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,242 I watched Boston legal nine times 87 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:54,424 before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek. 88 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,009 Hmm. 89 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,803 Liz, you have to admit this is unfair. 90 00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,095 I got nothing. 91 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,973 Meanwhile, Grizz and Dot Com bought a boat. 92 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,226 Cape Hatteras is lovely this time of year. 93 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,329 Oh, well, of course, Tracy takes care of his boys 94 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,604 and not you. 95 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,249 He thinks he can take advantage of you because you're a woman. 96 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,442 Men think they can get away with anything. 97 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,534 It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry 98 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,569 at the oscars. 99 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,336 No one has it harder in this country today 100 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,073 than women. 101 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,676 It turns out we can't be president, 102 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,535 we can't be network news anchors, 103 00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,121 Madonna's arms look crazy. Mm-hmm. 104 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,391 Tyler, I know you're upset we didn't pick you for the gold, 105 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,166 and I'm going to make it up to you. 106 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,098 How would you like to host deal or no deal 107 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,045 in the privacy of your own home? 108 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,898 I think I'll hold a press conference instead, 109 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:37,384 tell the world there's no such thing 110 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:38,927 as olympic tetherball... 111 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,513 Or synchronized running... 112 00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,432 Or octuples tennis. 113 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:44,808 It's all a lie. 114 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,420 A white lie that did a lot of good 115 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,686 for this country's morale. 116 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:49,938 Did you know that president Bush's approval rating 117 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,692 was almost as high as 15% following the Olympics? 118 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,319 Gasp. Olympic hero Tyler Brody. 119 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,946 Olympic fraud. 120 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,158 There is no such thing as olympic tetherball. 121 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,802 They made it all up for the ratings. 122 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:05,704 What are you saying? 123 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:06,621 Tyler... 124 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,958 You can be the voice of Knight Rider. 125 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,919 The film. 126 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,211 I'm listening. 127 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:25,640 ♪ ♪ 128 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:40,280 Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator. 129 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,241 And you two are having a dispute. 130 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,534 Now why is that? 131 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,387 Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly 132 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,411 because I'm a woman. 133 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,246 What? Please. 134 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,849 We are here because white folks think 135 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:52,167 they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. 136 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,686 It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry 137 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:54,710 at the oscars. 138 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,422 White people stole jazz, rock and roll, 139 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,800 will Smith, and heart disease. 140 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,219 Now they think they can take my hard-earned money. 141 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,511 Okay, well, if we look 142 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,406 at how voice actors are normally compensated... 143 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,670 Liz says in this day's america, 144 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,570 it's harder to be a woman than a black man. 145 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,769 Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb. Okay. 146 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,080 Tracy, do you know women still get paid less than men 147 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,231 for doing the same job? 148 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,691 Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona? 149 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,583 Do you have any idea how hard it is to be 150 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:22,739 an overweight, transgender in this country? 151 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,217 In preparation for landing 152 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,826 at Chicago's O'Hare airport... 153 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,746 No, grandma, no. 154 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,421 "Believe in the stars." 155 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,091 It's like that doesn't even mean anything anymore. 156 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,677 Kenneth. 157 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,369 I'm sure I can trust your discretion 158 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,157 about what happened in my office today. 159 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:50,684 What you overheard was some rather grown-up talk. 160 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,727 Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy? 161 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,981 Beer pong, jazzercise, women's soccer. 162 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,073 You're not in stone mountain anymore, Kenneth. 163 00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,860 This is the real world, 164 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,379 and not everything is in black and white. 165 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,948 There's always a right thing to do, Mr. Donaghy. 166 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,118 Just sometimes, it's not the easy thing to do. 167 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,370 Tyler Brody was not the only hero 168 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:13,039 I lost today, sir. 169 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,792 The other hero was you, in case that... 170 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,586 I got it, Kenneth. 171 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,300 If it weren't for you people, I'd still be in Africa. 172 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,594 Gorgeous, politically stable Africa. 173 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:26,595 My people? 174 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,388 Women are the oppressed ones. 175 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,408 And it's even harder being a beautiful woman. 176 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,309 Everyone assumes I don't try in bed. 177 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,602 It's discrimination. 178 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,271 Whatever. You couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney. 179 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,523 Right, Toof? No, thank you. 180 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,095 I could totally be black. 181 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,067 You should try being a white woman. 182 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,986 Okay, I will. No, no, no, no. 183 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:44,638 I don't like where this is heading. 184 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,406 Freaky Friday social experiment. 185 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:47,698 Oh, it's on. 186 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,285 Where is Liz Lemon? 187 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,204 I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury 188 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:54,706 because I can read thoughts. 189 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,333 Dismissed. 190 00:06:56,625 --> 00:07:00,921 Welcome aboard flight 1876 to New York. 191 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,425 Hello? 192 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,153 Lemon, as part of our deal to keep him quiet, 193 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,137 Tyler Brody is going to be on your show this week. 194 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,827 But he won't do any tetherball stuff. 195 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,769 Boy, Jack, it must be nice to dump your problems 196 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:13,516 on other people. 197 00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:14,893 It is. 198 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,745 Lemon, do you think Kenneth admires you? 199 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:18,730 Sure, that kid looks up to everybody. 200 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,732 He calls Tracy's lizards, "sir." 201 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,168 So someone would have to be a complete monster 202 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,192 to lose his respect. 203 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,528 Yeah. I don't know what we're talking about. 204 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:26,923 We're talking about nobody. 205 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:31,159 A hillbilly nobody that doesn't know anything. 206 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,205 Mm. 207 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:36,039 Hello? 208 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,499 Tracy is a white woman, Liz. 209 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,209 What? 210 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,937 He's trying to prove that being a white woman is easier 211 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:41,670 than being a black man. 212 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,797 Wait, no, what about the mediation? 213 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,107 We are way past that. 214 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,424 This is gonna be bigger 215 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,356 than when Tyra Banks put on that fat suit. 216 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,929 And don't worry, when I prove Tracy wrong, 217 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,472 you'll get all the credit. 218 00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,075 What are you gonna do? Jenna? 219 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,726 Oh. 220 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:00,271 Hello? 221 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,316 Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. 222 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,608 I'm sorry. Who? 223 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,859 Hey, Liz Lemon, 224 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,546 you're already treating me with more respect. 225 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,780 Oh, god, Tracy. 226 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,091 You wait till I test this noise out on society. 227 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,283 Minds will be blown. 228 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,618 No. No society. 229 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,204 Do not go outside. Do not let Jack Donaghy see you. 230 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,999 Tracis, listen to me... oh, boy. 231 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,709 This pill's damn strong. 232 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,478 You can't fix this, Liz Lemon. 233 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,105 It's about race. It's about being a woman. 234 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:24,629 Excuse me. 235 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,131 It's about money. 236 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,423 It's about being on TV. 237 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,510 And no one understands all that. 238 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:31,802 Hello. 239 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,642 I'ma call you back. I'm sitting next to Borpo. 240 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:46,401 Whoa, Portland's got a fun little waterfront. 241 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,905 Do you mind if I close this window shade? 242 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,365 I'm trying to adopt a baby, 243 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:53,977 but my job is making it impossible 244 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,162 because my work self is suffocating my life me. 245 00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,498 I'm Liz Lemon, and I lost my virginity at 25. 246 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,584 I saw the show about following your fear, 247 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,516 and it inspired me to wear shorts to work. 248 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,129 It didn't go great. 249 00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,464 Do you know Tracy Jordan? 250 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,091 I took a pill earlier, 251 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,694 but I didn't get my September issue 252 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,802 of o magazine. 253 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,805 Do you have the number for subscriptions? 254 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,182 Why would you? 255 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:18,558 That's blagh! 256 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:19,934 I eat emotionally. 257 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,562 And one time at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare, 258 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:23,854 but then she drowned. 259 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357 And here comes some more stuff. 260 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:27,649 I hate my feet. 261 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,694 And once, I had a sex dream about Nate Berkus, 262 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,666 but halfway through, he turned into Dr. Oz. 263 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,105 Has that ever happened to you? 264 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,074 Oh, a hug! 265 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,617 This is happening. 266 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,094 It's all right, Liz. It's all right. 267 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,118 Uh, I'm okay. 268 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,287 Please stay close. 269 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,419 Uh, can you keep your hands outside my clothes? 270 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,041 Okay. Good. 271 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,461 Kenneth, I'm a good person. 272 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,088 If you say so, sir. 273 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:51,132 But sometimes life is complicated. 274 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,259 There isn't always a right answer. 275 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,095 Say you're in a life boat. 276 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,721 You're on a life boat. 277 00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:01,267 The boat holds eight people, but you have nine on board. 278 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,644 Either you will capsize 279 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,562 and everyone will drown, 280 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,624 or one person can be sacrificed to save the others. 281 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,775 Now how do you decide who should die? 282 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,486 Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations, 283 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:12,487 Mr. Donaghy. 284 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,614 That's like lying to your brain. 285 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,217 Kenneth, you've lived a sheltered life. 286 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,409 Virtue never tested is no virtue at all. 287 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,495 Oh, I have been tested, sir. 288 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,706 There are only two things I love in this world: 289 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:25,625 Everybody and television. 290 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,461 But up in my neighborhood, we can't even afford cable. 291 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,548 So my neighbor the Colonel and I just watch 292 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,967 whatever the old rabbit ears pick up. 293 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,845 A lot of folks have chosen to go ahead and steal cable 294 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:40,682 from the poor, defenseless cable company. 295 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:41,974 But not me. 296 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,352 As bad as I want all those channels, 297 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,147 I don't do it because stealing is wrong. 298 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,858 Kenneth, I'm familiar with the ten commandments. 299 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985 Ten? 300 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,032 A lot of us women eat emotionally, Liz, 301 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,344 and while we're not always in control of our feelings, 302 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,704 we do control the decisions we make. 303 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,038 I know. Of course. 304 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,916 Now you say that you want a child. 305 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,501 And yet, 306 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,713 you let Jenna and Tracy fill that role in your life. 307 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,049 Maybe you're afraid of taking that next step. 308 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,676 Oh, my god. That's it. 309 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,469 Now that we've leveled off, 310 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,072 I think they're gonna serve us a little snack. 311 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,723 So true. So wise. 312 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,975 You know, when you say that to everything, 313 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,947 it makes me feel like you're not listening. 314 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,604 Sorry. 315 00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:28,896 Here. Try this. 316 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:33,610 It's wonderful. Salt water Taffy from Rhode Island. 317 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,502 Wow, is this one of your favorite things? 318 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:36,653 Oh, yes, and I have 319 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,424 so many wonderful favorite things this year... 320 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:42,577 Sweater capes, calypso music, 321 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,788 Paisley tops, Chinese checkers, 322 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,840 high-heeled flip-flops that lift up your butt 323 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,500 and give you a workout, 324 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,837 and you, Liz Lemon. 325 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,466 Too many women are wearing themselves too thin these days. 326 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,027 And what suffers because of that? 327 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,637 Your bowel movements. Your personal life. 328 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:01,387 Personal life, yes. 329 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,348 I want to help you. 330 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,724 What can I do? 331 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:09,354 Oh, my god, would you say, "please welcome Liz Lemon"? 332 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,564 No, but here is what I will do. 333 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,775 While I'm in new York, if you want, 334 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,862 I can stop by, and I can talk to Tracy and Jenna. 335 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,697 Solve that little problem for ya. 336 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,534 So you can concentrate on Liz for once. 337 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,579 Oh, you are the best person in the whole world. 338 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:38,758 Good grief. 339 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,301 Hi, strangers. 340 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,428 Do you think I'm sexy? 341 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,720 Giggle, giggle, giggle. 342 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:47,850 Tracy, I know it's you, and, yeah, I do. 343 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,270 I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch. 344 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:51,601 I hope we can sit outside. 345 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,731 Lipstick! 346 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,990 Jack, what are you doing down here? 347 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,602 It's been a real crazy day, Lemon. 348 00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:05,344 We're bidding to build a wind farm in Turkey, 349 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:06,428 I'm trying to convince the board 350 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,121 to sell the locomotive division, 351 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,415 and Kenneth is being a real stick-in-the-mud. 352 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,583 Well, there's nothing to see down here. 353 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,296 Everything is under control in studio 6-H. 354 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,714 Good morning. 355 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,424 No! No. No. 356 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:20,425 No, no, no. 357 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:21,717 No, no, no. 358 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,429 No, no, no, no. Wait, stop. 359 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,015 Why do you have a monster claw? 360 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,427 They ran out of white makeup 361 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,269 because I insisted they do my buttocks. 362 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,770 Good morning. 363 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,272 What is going on here? 364 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,083 Jenna and I are doing a social experiment. 365 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,107 No, you're not. 366 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,484 Wait. What is Jenna doing? 367 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,045 ♪ You gotta ease on down ♪ 368 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,696 ♪ ease on down the road ♪ 369 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,365 Right this minute. Stop that right now. 370 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,076 This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work. 371 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,077 You realize this is incredibly offensive. 372 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,369 Yes. 373 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,497 And you realize blackface makeup reignites 374 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,017 racial stereotypes African-Americans have worked 375 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,542 for hundreds of years to overcome. 376 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,210 Here we go. 377 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,896 Yeah, it's bad. I get it. Go get some baby wipes. 378 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,148 We're trying to prove who has it hardest 379 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,257 in america, women or black men. 380 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,860 I'll tell you who has it the hardest. 381 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,884 White men. 382 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,815 We make the unpopular, difficult decisions, 383 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,263 the tough choices. 384 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,325 We land on the moon and normandy beach, and yet they resent us. 385 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,600 Well, sir, I'm sorry 386 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,894 to disagree, but I am also a white man. 387 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,354 Uh, no, you are not. 388 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:15,789 Socioeconomically-speaking, you are more 389 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,853 like an inner-city latina. 390 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,066 The point is, men like me 391 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,318 have to step in and clean up messes like this. 392 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,610 No, you don't. 393 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,981 I've got this under control. 394 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,280 She's coming, Jack. 395 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:25,615 Oprah is coming. 396 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,325 And she's gonna fix everything. 397 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,951 Oprah. 398 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,919 Oh, my, what was that? 399 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,004 We've tripped the emergency brake, Kenneth. 400 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,589 Mr. Donaghy. 401 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,800 And I've hermetically-sealed this elevator car. 402 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,843 No air can get in or out. 403 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,720 Don't worry, folks. 404 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,138 Help will be here soon. 405 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,766 And we have enough oxygen for eight people. 406 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,644 Unfortunately, there are nine of us in here now. 407 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,479 One must die. 408 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:58,231 Mr. Donaghy! 409 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,292 In the panel where the elevator phone should be, 410 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:04,320 I've placed a pistol loaded with one bullet. 411 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,156 He's got a gun! 412 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,117 Oh, my god! Oh, my god. 413 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,328 It's empty. 414 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,123 Then you'll have to choke me with my belt. 415 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:20,169 I will fight you. It's human nature. 416 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,548 What's wrong with you? 417 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,802 Oprah smells like rosewater and warm laundry. 418 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,614 Did she tell you any of her new favorite things 419 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,638 for this year? 420 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,307 Calypso, Paisley, 421 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:37,728 Chinese checkers, and sweater capes. 422 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,020 Let's go to the mall. 423 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,982 Did she touch you? 424 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,908 Well, Kenneth, I give up. 425 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,911 I thought pure morality died with Chuck heston, 426 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:54,912 but you proved me wrong. 427 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,873 You are better than all of us. 428 00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,126 You are one latina fantastica. 429 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,044 Hola. 430 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:05,590 Kenneth Ellen Parcell, you are my hero. 431 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,009 You don't mean hero like sandwich, do you? 432 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:12,305 No, Kenneth. Not like sandwich. 433 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,559 Oh, no. 434 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:09,854 ♪ ♪ 435 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:11,906 Oprah's coming. 436 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,075 I haven't seen Oprah since she did 437 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,410 that episode about the worst celebrity dads. 438 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,997 Um, Liz, your guest is here. 439 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,083 Oprah! 440 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,293 Hello, Liz Lemon! 441 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,260 Uh, how you doing? Hi. 442 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,178 What were you on? That's a kid. 443 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,764 That does explain some of the stuff she said. 444 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,182 I get to fly first class 445 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,309 because my mom's a flight attendant. 446 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,687 I lost my headgear at six flags. 447 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,480 My boyfriend's in ninth grade. 448 00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:47,358 It's not Oprah. 449 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:48,650 I thought it was Oprah. 450 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,570 It's a spunky little tween. 451 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,863 Now, as I'm sure Liz has told you, 452 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,532 I am Pam. 453 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,908 Pam. 454 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,636 I'm a middle school class vice president, 455 00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,663 a certified and trained baby sitter, 456 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,707 and I recently got Internet in my room. 457 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,292 I think I gave her wine. 458 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,864 I believe I can achieve anything. 459 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,422 So let's get down to solving this problem. 460 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,882 Which one of you is janna? 461 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,680 Hello, Mr. Donaghy. 462 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,116 Did you have a good night, Kenneth? 463 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,391 Oh, yes, sir. 464 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,268 Hardly any screaming from the Colonel. 465 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,603 Mm. 466 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:28,024 Actually, I was thinking, we all try to be perfect, 467 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,235 but the world maybe, well... 468 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,279 Uh, what I'm trying to say... 469 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:37,074 There's a whole channel on the cable 470 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,286 that just tells you what's on the other channels. 471 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:40,786 I know, Kenneth. It's okay. 472 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,624 I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. 473 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,296 Is spongebob squarepants supposed to be terrifying? 474 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,007 You're darn right he is, Kenneth. 475 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,677 I knew it. 476 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,096 Yesterday, Liz and I realized 477 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:03,768 that she's probably wearing the wrong bra size. 478 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:04,727 Oh. 479 00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:09,106 Yup. That one's definitely bigger. 480 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,609 And that made me feel sad. 481 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:15,154 Now show me your emotion drawings. 482 00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,878 Tracy, your emotion is upside-down. 483 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,552 That's the way my world is right now. 484 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:23,704 I guess I'm gonna have to clean up your mess after all. 485 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,831 She's 12. How did I... 486 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,643 It's okay. It happens to the best of us. 487 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,947 In-flight medication is how I met 488 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,170 M. Night Shyamalan until it turned out to be... 489 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,381 That was the best day of my life. 490 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,466 Liz, we worked it out. 491 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:36,884 I've been hearing, 492 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,178 but I haven't been listening. 493 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,972 And I need to stop being a frenemy 494 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,141 and be your real B.F.F. 495 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:48,270 Well, it looks like my work here is done. 496 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:52,149 So I'll see you at my parents' house for dinner. 497 00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,721 My best friend Gail can't make it 498 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,569 because she has some algebra test tomorrow. 499 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,613 Oh, Gail. 500 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,240 Good job, Lemon. 501 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,117 Good job, Pam, really. 502 00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:02,529 Be a white man. Take credit. 503 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:03,869 Hmm. 504 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:09,458 ♪ Lean on me when you're not strong ♪ 505 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,168 We're not doing that now. 506 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,754 Stop that. Do you hear me? 507 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,566 I don't think I should be drinking this. 508 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,843 Oh, come on. Like you never have a drink? 509 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,238 Well, I did have some champagne at my cousin's wedding once. 510 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,262 Yeah, you did. 511 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,430 To Oprah. 512 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,765 My name is Pam. 513 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,892 Oh, Oprah!