1 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:05,922 Good morning, Jack. 2 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:08,067 Lemon, I'm helping to organize a little fundraising dinner 3 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,259 for John McCain this weekend, 4 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,831 and I need some women to attend. 5 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,388 So it doesn't turn into another giant sausage fest. 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:14,765 Well, I don't know. 7 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:17,392 What's the committee to reinvade Vietnam? 8 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:18,684 Just say you'll come. 9 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:20,056 Jonathan's going to round up 10 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,545 all the cool republican celebrities. 11 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,690 Like who, Chuck Norris? 12 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,126 No, C. Nor and I had a falling-out 13 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,818 after I switched to another dojo. 14 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,279 Ah, well, sorry, but I'm not giving anybody money 15 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,051 until there's campaign finance reform. 16 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,242 Also, I'm saving up money for a new humidifier. 17 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,574 It's the same model that's keeping Larry King alive. 18 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,472 Oh, and I want you to book the subway hero onto the show. 19 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:38,496 Who? 20 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,290 The subway hero. 21 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:41,625 Do you not watch the news? 22 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,835 Food network doesn't have a news show. 23 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,712 This guy stepped in front of a train 24 00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:48,124 to save a total stranger who had fallen on the tracks. 25 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,609 He pulled him between the rails, 26 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,194 and the train missed their heads by inches. 27 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,594 Wow, that's amazing. I know. 28 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,046 Every show wants a guest appearance by the subway hero, 29 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,224 but we have an advantage. 30 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,516 We do? 31 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,894 For his exceptional courage... 32 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,938 The city of New York 33 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:07,234 bestows the bronze medallion on Dennis Duffy. 34 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,570 Oh wow. 35 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,021 Thank you, mayor Bloomberger. 36 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,657 I accept this honor on behalf of every... 37 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:15,784 Stern rules! Baba booey! 38 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,619 No, no, no, no, no. 39 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:18,911 Oh, yes. 40 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,957 Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman and your ex-boyfriend. 41 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,792 And dateline predator. 42 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,419 Exonerated dateline predator. 43 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,711 The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding. 44 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,047 Like the Giuliani campaign. 45 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:30,674 No way, forget about it. 46 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:31,966 Lemon, be professional. 47 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,070 We all have to work with people we hate sometimes. 48 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,472 Jonathan, why don't you put on more of that Cologne? 49 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,601 When I say subway, you say hero. Subway. 50 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,019 Hero? 51 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:43,311 Uh. 52 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:54,197 ♪ ♪ 53 00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:06,835 I now declare this store open for all mankind. 54 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:10,756 Hey, dummy. 55 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,132 Dennis. 56 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:13,424 I knew you'd be back. 57 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:14,634 Yeah, I'm not back. 58 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:17,137 Jack sent me because he wants you on TGS. 59 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:18,055 No way, this is fate. 60 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:19,389 You swore to me 61 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,867 that you would never see me again, 62 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,644 but this whole, crazy, on-again, off-again, Dennis-Liz thing, 63 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:24,935 it just can't be stopped. 64 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,814 No, we don't have a crazy thing. 65 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,106 Yeah, we do. 66 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,585 We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay. 67 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,819 Can I borrow those giant scissors? 68 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:34,422 We always knew this would happen, didn't we? 69 00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:35,726 I mean, that I would be somebody. 70 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,704 I can't believe it's happening because of this, 71 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,284 and not because of my band. 72 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,995 ♪ I just want to rock ♪ ♪ 73 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,039 Well, you have had some fame before. 74 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:44,915 You were on dateline. 75 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,207 Whoa, hey. 76 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,489 I knew you were gonna say that. 77 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,252 And it's so unfair. 78 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,545 I knew that girl was 18. 79 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,714 She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. 80 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,008 And that crap doesn't start until college. 81 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,843 So you want to do the show or not? 82 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,512 I don't know. 83 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,222 You know. 84 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,892 Getting lots of offers from news and dancing programs. 85 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,727 But how could I say no to you, right? 86 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,479 I mean, maybe we should just see 87 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:10,816 where this crazy Dennis-Liz roller coaster ride takes us, 88 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,150 huh? 89 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,361 Okay, all right. 90 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,117 Jonathan. 91 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:23,953 Who is this? 92 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,872 Oh, it's Bucky Bright, sir. 93 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,164 He was a major TV star 94 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,126 in the '40s, '50s 95 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,419 and the fall of 1972, 96 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,880 and he's your republican celebrity for the McCain dinner. 97 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,172 Uh-huh, good to see you. 98 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,401 What happened to Bruce Willis? 99 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,425 He insists on singing. 100 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,994 Jim belushi? He insists on singing. 101 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,094 Good god. 102 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,531 When did the party become so boring? 103 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,032 The democrats have all the good celebrities. 104 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,056 Mr. Donaghy, 105 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,307 this was delivered to... 106 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:48,061 Son of a married couple, Bucky Bright! 107 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,473 You know who this is? 108 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,563 Who doesn't? 109 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,815 Most people. 110 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,376 But let me ask you a question, Kenneth. 111 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,480 If Mr. Bright here told you 112 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,093 to vote republican, would you do it? 113 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,989 Oh, no, sir, I don't vote republican or democrat. 114 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,159 Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name. 115 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,035 That's republican... We count those. 116 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,127 Well, I don't know whether you know it or not, 117 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,691 but I used to do the old soft shoe 118 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,541 at all the eisenhower rallies. 119 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,918 One, two... 120 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,354 I'm sorry to have wasted your time, 121 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:13,962 Mr. Bright. 122 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,314 Kenneth here will show you out. 123 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,424 Thank you. 124 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,471 Boy, 30 rock. 125 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,222 Hmm. 126 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,225 The stories I could tell about this place. 127 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,644 Eh, nobody wants to listen to me anymore. 128 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:30,604 Oh, Mr. Bright, 129 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,149 I would love to hear about the good old days. 130 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,961 Oh, different back then, I'll tell you. 131 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,986 Yes, sir, boy, they were classy. 132 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,278 Yeah, yeah. 133 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,199 We didn't have any of those shirts with words on 'em, 134 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,744 or dungarees, or anything like that, no sirree. 135 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,538 Men came to work, ties and hats. 136 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,123 So elegant. 137 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:50,999 Well, and you had tailor-made suits 138 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,169 and a little place here for a little carnation 139 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,170 in your lapel. 140 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,255 And an inside monogrammed pocket, you know, 141 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,841 for your opium pipe and your switchblade. 142 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,636 I'm sorry... what now? 143 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,848 Say, why don't you show me around the old studio? 144 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,015 Okay, okay. 145 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,559 These things are so bad for me. 146 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:12,145 400% of my sodium? 147 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,581 I should not be eating these. 148 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,816 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bravest new yorker 149 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,943 since Bernie Goetz, Mr. Dennis Duffy. 150 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,278 Yeah. 151 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,823 What's with the trophy? 152 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,009 It's the Stanley cup, honey. 153 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,193 It's hockey's ultimate prize. 154 00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:28,870 And me and it, we're teaming up to fight illiteracy. 155 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,374 Wow, I never would have had the guts to do what that dude did. 156 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,042 You don't know that. I do know. 157 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,312 I've watched seven different people die in subway stations. 158 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,314 So, Dennis, tell us what it was like in the moment. 159 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,440 What was going through your mind? 160 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,882 You know, it was all instinct, Jack. 161 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,443 My mind, it was... It was so clear. 162 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,903 All I could think about was Derek jeter. 163 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:44,553 And it was like 164 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,005 check this out, jeter, you think you're better than me? 165 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,056 Ah-ah! 166 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,350 Yeah. 167 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,768 Yeah. 168 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,437 Wow. 169 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,857 So you brought Dennis back. 170 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,191 Only 'cause Jack made me. 171 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,609 It's just that you said 172 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,021 never again, but here he is. 173 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,529 You said, 174 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:03,446 "I don't know what I see in that guy," 175 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,115 but I was there when you two met. 176 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,950 You do have this weird connection. 177 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,078 Uh, why is this movie called the hours, 178 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,289 when it feels so much longer? 179 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,341 They should call this thing the weeks. 180 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:16,084 Shh. 181 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,460 Hi. 182 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,298 The weeks. 183 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,716 Liz, listen to me. 184 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,552 Dennis is like those off-brand Mexican cheetos. 185 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,304 My Sabor de Soledad? 186 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,556 I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood. 187 00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:31,224 You know those are bad for you, 188 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:32,743 but you keep stuffing them in your mouth 189 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,520 because it's easier to do that than to bother to eat well. 190 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,230 That's a weak metaphor. 191 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,525 You deserve a good meal, Liz. 192 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,068 Subway hero! 193 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:44,988 Subway hero! 194 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:47,865 Subway hero! 195 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,074 Tracy. 196 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:49,910 My friend. 197 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,746 Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face 198 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,038 of the republican party? 199 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,165 What? 200 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,457 Hell, no. 201 00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:58,859 Black people supporting Republicans? 202 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,670 Does hot support cold? 203 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,464 Does rain support the earth? 204 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,300 Now that misperception is precisely why the gop 205 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,052 needs better celebrities, 206 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,220 and a black celebrity such as yourself 207 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,752 would really make us look good. 208 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:12,014 Mm-mm. 209 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:12,682 Do you like lower taxes? 210 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,267 If I paid taxes, I sure would. 211 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,019 How about gun ownership? Go on. 212 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,104 States' rights? I love states' rights. 213 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,648 And let none of us forget 214 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,691 the gop is the party of Lincoln. 215 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,151 Lincoln was a republican? 216 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,069 Actually, 217 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,361 today's republican party 218 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,972 would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. 219 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,157 He fought a war to preserve federal authority 220 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,116 over the states. 221 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:31,802 That's not exactly small government. 222 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:32,826 Dotcom, this need 223 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:33,703 you have 224 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,315 to be the smartest guy in the room 225 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,832 is... off-putting. 226 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,835 I guess that's why I'm still single. 227 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,295 Damn. 228 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,298 The republican party sounds pretty attuned 229 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,175 to my unique way of life. 230 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,886 But I'd be turning my back on my people to support it. 231 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,138 You put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. 232 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,060 A quandary. 233 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,689 Back then, we didn't have pages, you know. 234 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,899 We had what we called "sandwich girls." 235 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,551 Oh, 'cause they got you sandwiches? 236 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,361 No, no, no, two guys'd get... 237 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,196 Hey, my old dressing room. 238 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,156 You know, that reminds me. 239 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:11,783 For five bucks I will. 240 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,248 Hey, dummy, I was just telling these dummies 241 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,726 how we used to go in the park and make fun of all the joggers. 242 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,270 Oh, yeah, "oh, I'm gonna run in a circle, so I can live longer." 243 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,088 Hold on a second. 244 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,482 Who orders a salad from a burger joint? 245 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,341 You watching your figure there, sweetheart? 246 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,361 What, are you gearing up for swimsuit season? 247 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,385 Very funny. 248 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,054 Very funny? How would you know? 249 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,642 We used to call this "the Jew room." 250 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,061 Oh, here, here's some lettuce from my burger. 251 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,356 Hey, chief, 252 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,357 the, uh, the kid's birthday party that hired 253 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,489 the Urkel impersonator is down around the hall. 254 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,945 Are you gonna cry? 255 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,237 Yeah, he's gonna cry. 256 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,243 Give her some lettuce. 257 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,627 Elizabeth conworthy Lemon. 258 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:05,938 Okay, that's not my middle name. 259 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:06,962 Explain this. 260 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,925 "Subway hero Dennis Duffy and actress Sally Field." 261 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,761 Entertaining a guest of the show 262 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,113 is called being professional. 263 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,137 It wasn't a date 264 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,765 or whatever... I paid for dinner. 265 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,349 You always paid for Dennis. 266 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,311 He can't get credit cards, Jenna, 267 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,813 because his cousin Teddy used Dennis' social 268 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,145 to get a cell phone that Teddy then couldn't pay for 269 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,485 because this Indian guy that he was working for... 270 00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:31,112 You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you. 271 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:34,449 Oh, sir. 272 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:35,741 You're back. 273 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,994 Well, I never left, actually. 274 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,330 I just wandered around the building all night. 275 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,041 I didn't run into another single living soul, 276 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,836 except one gigantic lesbian. 277 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:51,591 Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad? 278 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,135 ♪ No, we didn't light it ♪ 279 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,845 ♪ but we're trying to fight it ♪ 280 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:59,307 ♪ birth control, ho chi minh, Richard Nixon-Nixon-Nixon ♪ 281 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,679 ♪ Nixon-Nixon-Nixon-Nixon ♪ 282 00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:03,228 ♪ Nixon-Nixon-Nixon-Nixon-Nixon Nixon-Nixon ♪ 283 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,355 ♪ Nixon-Nixon-Nixon-Nixon... ♪ ♪ 284 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,449 What is this place? 285 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,368 It's purgatory, Tracy. 286 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:19,953 Richard Nixon? 287 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,246 Wow. 288 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,248 I can't believe I'm dead. 289 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,000 There was still so much left on my bucket list. 290 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,962 So many different kind of buckets I wanted to own. 291 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,463 Buckets. 292 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,090 It's never too late, Tracy. 293 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,009 You can't die now, your party needs you. 294 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,971 We've lost some prestige because of the Bush administration. 295 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:38,847 And Watergate. 296 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,933 Up-bup-bup, I'm trying to keep that 297 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,309 on the DL around here. 298 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,478 Look, I know you're worried about this, 299 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,022 but there's a long history of black entertainers 300 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,566 supporting the gop. 301 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,569 Just ask my old friend, Sammy Davis Jr. 302 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:53,570 Oh, Sam. 303 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,530 Sammy. 304 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,782 Tracy, babe. 305 00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,119 You gotta help the party get back to its groovy roots. 306 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:02,411 Wow. 307 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:03,788 You were a republican? 308 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:04,664 He sure was. 309 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:08,751 Black, Jewish, one eye, a white wife. 310 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,171 It was a big tent back then, Tracy. 311 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:13,047 Help us... 312 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,258 To make it a big tent once again. 313 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,139 I got a mission. 314 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,807 Dennis. Yeah, Jack. 315 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,099 What are your politics? 316 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,768 Social conservative, fiscal liberal. 317 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:29,105 You see the gop is trying to raise its celebrity profile. 318 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:29,981 And we would love it, 319 00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:32,442 if the subway hero could help us out. 320 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,027 Ah, no can do, pally. 321 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:34,986 I can't help McCain. 322 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,278 He's a Navy man. 323 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,726 I almost joined the marines once. 324 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,575 All right, fine, I admit it. 325 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,286 Dinner with Dennis last night was fun. 326 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,704 Oh, god, Liz. 327 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,040 What, I don't like a lot of people, Jenna, 328 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,125 but that dumb creep makes me laugh. 329 00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,417 But you know better. 330 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,169 Do I? 331 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,461 I might be an idiot. 332 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,380 I know I'm supposed to make myself nice meals, 333 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:55,215 instead of ea ting junk. 334 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,258 Do you know what I use my oven for? 335 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:58,885 Warming your jeans in the morning? 336 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,803 That's right, and it feels good. 337 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,281 You know what that subway thing taught me, Jack? 338 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,741 It taught me to follow my instincts more. 339 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,807 That's how you get ahead. 340 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,660 You must know what I'm talking about... you smell rich. 341 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:07,352 Thank you. 342 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,288 My Cologne is distilled from the bilge water 343 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,438 of Rupert Murdoch's yacht. 344 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,730 My point is, Jack, you've got to be a man of action 345 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,585 in this world, you know... You can't overthink stuff. 346 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:15,609 I agree. 347 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,112 Not thinking is what makes america great. 348 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,030 That wardrobe is wack. 349 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:19,948 I want a leather jacket 350 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,033 with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton t-shirt 351 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,636 and a porkpie hat for my head, all right. 352 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,660 Pronto. 353 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,431 This photo shoot's gotta be phenomenal. 354 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,748 You seem like a man who knows exactly what he wants. 355 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,250 Yeah, I do. 356 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:31,751 Lemon? 357 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,169 You don't know me. 358 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,581 Good luck with that, Dennis. 359 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,171 No luck needed, Jack. 360 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,523 She bought me dinner last night. 361 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,924 Really? 362 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:39,216 Yeah, I'm in. 363 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,427 And when I grab on, I do not let go. 364 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:45,014 Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at sea world. 365 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,506 Everything in my life is work. 366 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,892 But not Dennis Duffy. 367 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,019 I don't have to shave, I don't have to bathe, 368 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,188 I don't have to be clever or nice, you know. 369 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,480 I can just be myself. 370 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:54,888 Isn't that what love really is? 371 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,149 No. 372 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,444 Love is hiding who you really are at all times, 373 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,321 even when you're sleeping. 374 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,990 Love is wearing makeup to bed 375 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,284 and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, 376 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,202 and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. 377 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,494 That's love. 378 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,497 Uh, it just sounds hard. 379 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,124 Being with Dennis is easy. 380 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,835 If you give into it, you just start to feel kind of numb 381 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,337 and warm, and then you just get sleepy. 382 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,839 That's not that bad. 383 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,525 That's exactly what they say it's like 384 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,549 when you freeze to death. 385 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,761 Blurgh. 386 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:29,100 Oh, whoa, whoa, look at, there I am. 387 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:30,560 Oh, is that really you? 388 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,228 Yeah, me and the boys. 389 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,520 Yeah. 390 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:34,772 Boy. 391 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,544 Men were men back then, I'll tell you. 392 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,777 You wanted to do something private with another man, 393 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,069 it wasn't gay. 394 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,199 No, it was just two men 395 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,994 celebrating each other's strength. 396 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:54,541 I'm in. 397 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:55,293 Jacky d. 398 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,254 Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the gop. 399 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:01,466 God bless that wiretapping bastard, this is great. 400 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,319 We've got to shoot a couple commercials right away. 401 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,486 The McCain dinner is Saturday. 402 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,612 Sounds good, but I can't talk now. 403 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,236 I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster. 404 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,305 Okay. 405 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:12,685 Yeah, you like that? 406 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,413 Maybe a couple photos where you don't give the thumbs-up. 407 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,646 Nah, it's my thing, dummy. 408 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:16,999 You know what? Doesn't matter. 409 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,232 Just getting through the week. 410 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,204 You know, it's all really happening for me. 411 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,070 My people, my city, 412 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,738 my woman, huh? 413 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,716 I tell you, everything is starting to go my way, Liz, 414 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:26,842 'cause I'm a man of action, yeah. 415 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,244 I gotta stop overthinking everything like I used to. 416 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,954 That was never your problem. 417 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:34,539 Aw. 418 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,708 Elizabeth Sarah Lemon... 419 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,043 That's not my middle name. 420 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,961 Will you marry me? 421 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,047 Oh, god. 422 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,182 Wake up, dummy. 423 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:52,058 Hey, space cadet. 424 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,102 Right here... will you marry me or what? 425 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,770 No, no way. 426 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,939 You don't know this guy. 427 00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,732 He is not the man you think he is. 428 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,252 Hey, what is your problem, Liz? 429 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,903 I could get any girl here I want. 430 00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,155 And not just the fatties and the butterfaces. 431 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,907 Shut up, crowd. 432 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:09,325 I command you 433 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,661 as the subway hero... shut up. 434 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,055 Unbelievable, Liz. 435 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,223 Hey, you know, I don't need this. 436 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,517 You know a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night. 437 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,541 A white stripper. 438 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,502 Uh, thank god I didn't fall for this. 439 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,154 You are not a hero, you're a loser. 440 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,880 And you will always be a loser. 441 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:23,881 Oh, I'm the loser. 442 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,235 I guess I'm the one who totally missed catching the puck 443 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,718 at that islanders game... you suck. 444 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:28,386 No, you suck. 445 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:31,222 And so do all new York-based sports teams. 446 00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:34,350 Liz, don't say anything you can't take back. 447 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,061 My fellow blackmericans... 448 00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:39,939 Hey, Jack. 449 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,066 Can I just say black Americans? 450 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,318 There's no such thing as blackmericans. 451 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,487 That's great, that's why you're here. 452 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,283 My fellow black Americans, 453 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,243 Dr. King once had a dream, 454 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,162 a dream that we all share. Ff' 455 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,206 to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. 456 00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:00,042 And he also hated the estate tax. 457 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,587 Unbelievable. 458 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,927 Jack, I don't know about this. 459 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,304 What's wrong? I get it. 460 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:14,432 The republican party means less taxes, more guns, 461 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:15,892 and the end of the gun tax. 462 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:16,726 Go on. 463 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,437 But everybody isn't forward-thinking like I am. 464 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:24,066 No matter what, blackmericans are gonna always vote democrat. 465 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,776 They will, won't they? 466 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:26,694 Mm-hmm. 467 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,322 Unless... 468 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,325 Black people, don't vote. 469 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,160 Just don't do it. 470 00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,013 In the amount of time it'd take for you to vote, 471 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,872 you could play three games of pool. 472 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,290 Three. 473 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:40,582 And that's fresh. 474 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,126 I'm Tracy Jordan, 475 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:43,836 and I improve this message. 476 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,880 To reinvade Vietnam. 477 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,068 Sure feels good to make a difference, doesn't it? 478 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:50,718 Yes, it does. 479 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,470 Now if you'll excuse me, 480 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:57,183 Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page. 481 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,509 Hey, Jack, I'm sorry, this Dennis thing is not gonna work. 482 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,570 I can't even be in the same room as that idiot. 483 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,251 Save it for your i-village blog, Lemon. 484 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,275 Dennis is off the show. 485 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,111 I booked the 911 bird. 486 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,656 Winston dialed 911 with his beak and said fire, 487 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,550 but only because he didn't know the word for rape. 488 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:14,825 Well, that's fine with me, 489 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,637 but we've been promoting the subway hero. 490 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,061 The subway hero's 15 minutes are up. 491 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,098 Now if you could let him know that, that would be great. 492 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,917 Hey, you're not bumping Dennis for my benefit, are you? 493 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:23,918 Well, of course I am. 494 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,212 I base all my business decisions on your needs. 495 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,856 That's why G.E.'s going to be introducing 496 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,257 the pocket deep fryer. 497 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,676 That would sell, by the way. 498 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,515 Well, when we sobered up, we realized 499 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:38,516 we'd eaten the peacock 500 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:42,728 and we put the ham in Pat Weaver's office. 501 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,730 Mr. Bright. Eh? 502 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:48,359 With all due respect, I can't listen to this anymore. 503 00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:51,070 I love television, sir, 504 00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,822 and you are ruining it. 505 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,365 I love television too. 506 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:55,897 But I wanna tell you something. 507 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,910 If you're gonna make something beautiful, 508 00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,579 you gotta make a mess of it first. 509 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,630 I don't care whether you're making an omelet, 510 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,666 a baby, or a television show, 511 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,960 things are gonna get weird. 512 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:09,755 Well, I'm afraid the biz has changed since your time. 513 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,674 Now if you'll excuse me, 514 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,385 I'm off to Chinatown to pick up some human growth hormones 515 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:17,221 so that Mr. Jordan's Tigers don't realize that he's aging, 516 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:21,058 and... oh my... 517 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,936 There's your weird. 518 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:24,895 A bird? 519 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,689 Dennis, I'm very sorry. 520 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:27,981 Oh, really? Why? 521 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:30,443 It seems like all that stuff you said came true. 522 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:31,360 I am a loser. 523 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:32,932 My mall appearance got canceled. 524 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,530 The mighty ducks are mad at me 525 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,592 because I left the Stanley cup on a water taxi. 526 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,616 You know, 527 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:38,719 I thought I'd done something 528 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:39,863 good enough to get you back. 529 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,791 I can only imagine the classic song I'm gonna write after this. 530 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,465 Well, that is a very disturbing story. 531 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,300 Aw, you're just saying that. 532 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:57,678 No, no, no, no, you've seen some stuff, I'll tell ya. 533 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,014 Oh, well this one's dating a dateline predator. 534 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,599 Exonerated. 535 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:02,891 And we're not dating. 536 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,369 You don't know what you're talking about, Kenneth. 537 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:08,064 Boy, that's one mouthy sandwich girl, isn't it? 538 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,577 It was on a subway platform just like this. 539 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,330 On a night just like this. 540 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:25,873 It's still daytime. 541 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:26,832 And we're inside. 542 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,417 You know what the worst thing 543 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:29,811 about this whole hero thing has been? 544 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,212 Is that I got a chance to see 545 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,104 what my life could have really been like. 546 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,295 You know, if like the beeper business had taken off, 547 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:36,902 or I hadn't failed the firefighter exam. 548 00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,219 You failed the firefighter exam? 549 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,631 Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know. 550 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,767 You know, Liz, being with you 551 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,779 and being a hero are the two greatest things 552 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,437 that's ever happened to me. 553 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:51,524 And I just, uh, I just wish 554 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:52,816 I could get it back. 555 00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:58,823 You're gonna be fine. 556 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:01,575 If reality TV has taught us anything, 557 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,161 it's that you can't keep people with no shame down. 558 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,233 I really believe that you are gonna do something else great 559 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,499 in your life. 560 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,047 Dennis, don't you dare. 561 00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:16,841 Liz, work with me now. 562 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,133 Just go limp. 563 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,319 It'll be phenomenal, Liz, come on. 564 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:20,404 Come on, no, no, no, no. No, I don't want to. 565 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,428 Come on, Liz. No! 566 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,472 Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. 567 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:24,764 It's stupid express. 568 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,159 You thought it was this track too, didn't you? 569 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,183 Jackass. 570 00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:28,686 What, come on. It was just a goof. 571 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,604 Never again. Never! 572 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:31,936 You'll be back, Liz Lemon. 573 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,022 You'll be back. 574 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,276 Ugh. 575 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,779 You'll be back, dummy.