1 00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:03,795 One day, sir, 2 00:00:04,087 --> 00:00:07,174 this whole city will be yours. 3 00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:09,426 Oh, hey, can I talk to you? 4 00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,762 You always ruin everything. 5 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,934 I have to apologize for him. 6 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:18,620 He's been a bit tense since we found 7 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,187 that I'm up for the G.E. chairmanship. 8 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:21,563 Yeah, that's why I'm here. 9 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,524 I got a call from some lawyer today 10 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,859 who was asking me what kind of boss you are, 11 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,271 and who long I've known you, 12 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,155 and what animal best describes you. 13 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,490 What did you say? 14 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,409 An eagle with the head of a bear. 15 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,701 Thank you. 16 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,426 Your respect means the world to me, Lemon. 17 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:39,331 I can't believe it's starting already. 18 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,332 What is? 19 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:41,917 G.E. is vetting me. 20 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,210 They're trying to see 21 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:44,854 if I have any skeletons in my closet. 22 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,648 It's what they do with all the presidential candidates. 23 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,215 Do you think they'll find anything? 24 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,759 Oh, yeah. 25 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,887 I've done some things, Lemon. 26 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,365 That's why I hired a private investigator 27 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,391 to look into my own background. 28 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,685 He'll spot any red flags before G.E. does, 29 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,663 and that way I should be able to stay ahead of this. 30 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:04,815 You hired someone to investigate yourself? 31 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:05,732 That's weird. 32 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,104 Well, you do the same thing 33 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,876 with you therapist every week, don't you? 34 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:11,530 I had an amazing breakthrough with my therapist this week. 35 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,574 I was talking about that dream... ring ring! 36 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,368 That I have all the time where you find... hello. 37 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,900 I'm sorry, I have to take this. 38 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,038 Yes. Why she's right here. 39 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,690 Wait a minute. That's a fake phone. 40 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,041 She'll be right down. 41 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,418 What else is going on? 42 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:35,679 ♪ ♪ 43 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,445 What's going on in here? You're on time for work. 44 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,697 The woman in your dressing room is your wife 45 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,407 sorry, Angie, that... 46 00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:57,093 I let Tracy back in my life on two conditions. 47 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,785 One, this. 48 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,557 Bling, bling! That is ghetto fabulous. 49 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,164 This belonged to Brooke astor. 50 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,124 It's very nice. And the other condition, 51 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:05,792 I'm with him all the time. 52 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,502 All he gets to do is work, 53 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:08,879 eat, love on me, 54 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,505 and sleep. 55 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,507 Isn't that right, baby? I'm whipped. 56 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,801 Angie got me up at 7:30 today. 57 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:16,173 Did you know in the morning 58 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,138 they have food, TV, almost everything. 59 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,430 It's pretty good. 60 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,433 I did know that, yeah. 61 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,477 Liz, I need your help. 62 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:24,769 I can't do this alone. 63 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,605 Tracy's like a horny child. 64 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,815 He needs constant adult supervision. 65 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,627 Will you help me out when I'm not here? 66 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,527 If it keeps him like this, yes. 67 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:33,320 Will you be able to do that 68 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:34,892 without falling in love with him? 69 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,239 Also yes. 70 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:37,884 I think this is gonna be great, Angie. 71 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,160 I think you and me are gonna make a great team. 72 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,162 Oh, you looking for a sassy, black friend? 73 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:42,871 Oh, no, I didn't mean... 74 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,432 Well, you got one now, girlfriend. 75 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:45,499 Go on... rowr! 76 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:50,796 Oh, Ms. Moroney, here's today's fan mail. 77 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,255 Are there any from prisons? 78 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,256 Are there? 79 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,675 Federal! 80 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,593 Oh! God! 81 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:57,885 Putting on this weight 82 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,816 is the best thing that ever happened to me. 83 00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,390 People actually like me now. 84 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,226 There she is. There's my star. 85 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,037 And to think I wanted you to lose this weight. 86 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,437 It sounds so crazy now. 87 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,564 I know! 88 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,542 Oh, and I saw your Enorme commercial... it's fabulous. 89 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,567 What's Enorme? 90 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:13,878 It's the number one fragrance 91 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:14,902 for plus size women. 92 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:21,410 ♪ ♪ 93 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,370 Enorme. 94 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,664 Make him chase the chunk. 95 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:28,434 Available exclusively at your local drug store. 96 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:29,960 Do not use if menstruating. 97 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,212 Can't plus size women wear regular perfume? 98 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,756 Jenna, your career is really taking off now. 99 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,049 And on a personal level, 100 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,568 I just like you more when you're fat. 101 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,219 Oh, thank you. 102 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:40,762 It's all happening. 103 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,807 Okay, let's shoot these promos. 104 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,659 Can I get some makeup for Tracy, please? 105 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,728 Hi, sweetheart. How are you? 106 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:49,019 Hey. Let's see. 107 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,772 Oh, hell no! 108 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,066 Actually, he looks great. Thank you. 109 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:00,866 You Lenny wozniak? 110 00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,718 Thanks for meeting me here, Mr. Donaghy. 111 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,120 Yeah, I get it. Discretion. 112 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,597 I wouldn't want to talk about this 113 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:07,664 in my office anyway. 114 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,666 Yeah. 115 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,835 Also my gym is right over there. 116 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:16,089 So, uh... how does this work? 117 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,799 It's pretty simple, really. 118 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,218 I'm gonna go through your life with a fine tooth comb. 119 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,790 And the more information I have, 120 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,221 the easier this is gonna be. 121 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,973 Now, have you ever been arrested? 122 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,100 I have. 123 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,269 The 1976 Democratic national convention. 124 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,688 But it's okay, I was there beating up hippies. 125 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,168 And what about your family? Any skeletons there? 126 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,032 My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems 127 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,236 to elementary schools. 128 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,906 My cousin Tim fixes NBA games. 129 00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,949 My mother's an olympic level racist. 130 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:43,867 But as for the rest, 131 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,720 they're too drunk to do much of anything. 132 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,038 Unless getting thrown out of a chili's is a crime. 133 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,291 Any weird sex stuff I should know about? 134 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,727 You know what? Don't tell me. 135 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,544 I like to find that out on my own. 136 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,505 I'm a watcher. 137 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,466 Okay, I'll get started on my end of the process. 138 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,778 Now, is there anything else you want to tell me now? 139 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,385 Nope. 140 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,555 That's pretty much it. 141 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,724 That's what they all say, Mr. Donaghy. 142 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,230 I'll be in touch. 143 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,522 Hmm, one more thing. 144 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,792 If I sign a friend up at my gym, 145 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,527 I get a free hat, so... 146 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,487 Think about it. 147 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,580 I'm losing weight. 148 00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,666 What? Look at my belt. 149 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,210 This is the notch I had to make last week. 150 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,254 This is the notch I'm using now. 151 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,130 I'm back to the factory-made notches. 152 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,799 Jenna, calm down. 153 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,259 No, I won't calm down. 154 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:43,718 This can't be happening. 155 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,428 Everything is based on the fat. 156 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,720 Enorme. 157 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,515 The offer to play Ms. Pac-man 158 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,100 in the live action atari movie. 159 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:51,434 What? 160 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:52,726 And worst of all, 161 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,104 Jack won't like me anymore. 162 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,730 We have a secret ritual now 163 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,291 where we slap our palms together 164 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,525 when we walk by each other. 165 00:05:58,817 --> 00:05:59,817 A high five. 166 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,320 It was our special thing. 167 00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,447 Hey, Liz Lemon. 168 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,884 I've been reading the newspaper 169 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:07,948 to come up with some ideas 170 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,327 for some topical sketches. 171 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,663 So this week can we do "business section?'!" 172 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,165 Tracy, I love it that you're trying to help. 173 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,584 Everything is great. 174 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:16,876 Thanks to Angie. 175 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,962 Word. Where is my lovely wife? 176 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,940 Oh, she had to step out. She had a hair appointment. 177 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,924 Oh, I'm going to a strip club now. 178 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,843 What? No, I can't let you do that! 179 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,138 I'm sorry, Liz. This is who I am. 180 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,348 You can't ask a bird not to fly. 181 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,934 You can't ask a fish not to swim. 182 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,811 You can't ask a tiger not to turn back 183 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,565 into a Chinese dude at midnight. 184 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,275 Angie is gonna kill us. 185 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,486 I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon. 186 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:44,779 I really do. 187 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,591 And the only way I could feel better about myself 188 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,741 is to get booby-slapped 189 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,827 by a coked-out Russian stripper. 190 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,370 I'm out. 191 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,039 Ooh! 192 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,667 Is there something we need to discuss? 193 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,920 No, Jack, everything's great! 194 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,505 Look... it's come to my attention 195 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,317 that you no longer have an eating problem. 196 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,134 That's ridiculous! Is it? 197 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,762 You're not breathing heavily. Your skin has cleared up. 198 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,854 I even find you slightly attractive right now. 199 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:13,016 Don't say that, Jack! 200 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,061 Come on. Me want food, right? 201 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,939 Do you want food, Jenna? Do you? 202 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,941 I don't know anymore! 203 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,442 I have no appetite! 204 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:23,777 It's okay. 205 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,069 Kenneth! 206 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:26,589 Kenneth here is gonna be with you 24/7 207 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,613 to keep you fat. 208 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,144 Keep Jenna fat, keep Jenna funny. 209 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:29,908 Am I right, Kenneth? 210 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,802 It'll be just like back home on the pig farm. 211 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,495 I'm gonna fatten you up, grow to love you, 212 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,664 and then my uncles'll slit your throat. 213 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,938 So what have you got for me, len? 214 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,464 Well, Mr. Donaghy, you're pretty clean. 215 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,925 And your sex life checks out real nice. 216 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,217 Thank you. 217 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,570 There are a couple of things though 218 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,388 that could get in the way of this promotion. 219 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,366 Like you should probably give up your membership 220 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,183 to the all-white Woodvale country club. 221 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,810 That is not an all-white club. 222 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,687 What about Johnny Carlos? He's ethnic. 223 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,082 He's the King of Spain, Jack. I don't think that counts. 224 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,149 All right, I'll resign. 225 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,752 Okay, you also have an undocumented 226 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,944 domestic employee. 227 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,029 Manuelo? No, I need Manuelo. 228 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:08,905 I could never pay 229 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,717 an English-speaking person that little. 230 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,034 They'd starve. 231 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,886 All right, I'll send him home. 232 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,162 Well, that's it. 233 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,164 Unless you think I missed something. 234 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,208 No, I think you've been very thorough. 235 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,462 It's been a pleasure doing business with you. 236 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,048 Oh, aack. 237 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,134 One last thing. 238 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,786 You don't have a massive collection 239 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,387 of cookie jars, do you? 240 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,267 ♪ ♪ 241 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,645 How did you find out about that? 242 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,106 Collector of the year. 243 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,775 Congratulations, Victor nightingale. 244 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:49,946 Thank you. Yes, I'm Victor nightingale. 245 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,823 This is bad. 246 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,534 CEOs don't have thousands of cookie jars. 247 00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,106 Weird little guys in bow ties do. 248 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,529 You hear what I'm getting at? 249 00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:58,662 What? 250 00:08:58,830 --> 00:08:59,956 You saying it's a gay thing? 251 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:01,875 You wish it was a gay thing. 252 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,847 This is worse. You've gotta get rid of 'em. 253 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,211 No, I'm not doing that. 254 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,212 I've already made enough sacrifices 255 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,504 for this company. 256 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,841 They're not gonna get this! 257 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,971 This is Rudolph Giuliani in 1987 258 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,515 with this collection of antique wooden dolls. 259 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,184 That's a fake! 260 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,436 Giuliani doesn't collect dolls. 261 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:22,830 Yeah, you're right. He doesn't. 262 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,397 Because he incinerated them! 263 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,608 In 1989, the year he ran for mayor. 264 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,359 He looks so happy. 265 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,445 Oh, Jack, the choice is yours. 266 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,741 You can either be the head 267 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,513 of the largest corporation in america, 268 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:41,039 or get buried in a bow tie with a bunch of cookie jars. 269 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,047 Liz Lemon, where's Tracy? 270 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,716 He went to the vet. 271 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,008 His cobra got sick. 272 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,220 Okay. Hey, everybody. 273 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,806 I'm back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said. 274 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,934 And what was that exactly? 275 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,644 Uh, my cobra, ramses. 276 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,187 He had got sick. 277 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,314 So I took him to the vet. 278 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,358 Then my thumb got caught in my butt, 279 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,193 so I nodded my head until it came out. 280 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,487 Come here, you. 281 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,992 You smell like Enorme and brass Polish. 282 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,284 You were at a strip club. 283 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,696 It was all Liz Lemon's fault! 284 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,206 The whole plan was hers. Oh, come on, man! 285 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:26,501 Tracy Jordan, you are in for a world of hurt. 286 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,002 But you're worse. 287 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,546 I trusted you. 288 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,881 You wear glasses. 289 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,693 Your access to Tracy Jordan is cut off. 290 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,344 You can't cut me off. This I my show! 291 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,636 Not anymore. 292 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,430 Everything goes through me now... come! 293 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:40,882 Good. Bye forever, Liz Lemon. 294 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,601 Thank you for being my secretary! 295 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,189 Normally I would tell Tracy our sketch ideas. 296 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:53,945 Okay. 297 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,655 In the opening sketch this week, 298 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:56,947 Tracy is a bank robber... 299 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,158 No. 300 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,410 I don't want to perpetuate any black stereotypes. 301 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:01,702 Next. 302 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,538 Okay, well... 303 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,790 In this one, Tracy plays 304 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,668 a gentleman who wears 305 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,003 flamboyant clothes 306 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,297 and lives uptown. 307 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,909 He's a pimp. He's an entrepreneur. 308 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,508 What's the character's name? 309 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,302 Slick-back Lamar. 310 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:20,555 He's also playing Barack Obama. 311 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,765 No. We support Kucinich. 312 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,602 Listen, Angie, I'm sorry I lied, 313 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,730 but you gotta give me another chance... excuse me. 314 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,262 Did you just try to control my body with your white hand? 315 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,861 Uh... don't make me contact reverend Sharpton. 316 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,153 I can't deal with you. 317 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,364 I want new writers for Tracy, 318 00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:39,696 or he doesn't do the show. 319 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,159 Grizz, Dotcom, 320 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:42,660 start coming up with ideas. 321 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,666 We open on a lone soldier walking through the desert. 322 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:53,379 The year: 1861. The place: Mars. 323 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,550 This stuff will make you real fat, Ms. Moroney. 324 00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,053 It made my dad's heart just up and give out. 325 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,014 And that's what made my mom's friend Ron move in. 326 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:04,349 Hmm! 327 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,683 Mm. 328 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,644 Mm. Mm-hmm! 329 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,063 ♪ Coming in for a landing ♪ 330 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,024 Uh-oh! There's turbulence. 331 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,531 And now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom 332 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,731 and an air marshal shot him. 333 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:21,324 No, no, I can't. 334 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:25,161 Boy, I wish I had some pig sedative right now. 335 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,289 Good-bye, cookie jars. 336 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,375 Thank you for taking care of this for me. 337 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,001 No problem, Mr. Donaghy. 338 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,088 Oh, this is for the best. 339 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,258 No more secrets, nothing standing in my way now. 340 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:39,549 Just out of curiosity, 341 00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,178 what exactly are you going to do with all of these? 342 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:43,614 They'll be taken to Jersey city 343 00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,638 and incinerated. 344 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,516 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 345 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,244 I can't have that... Give that to me. 346 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,348 It's your funeral, Donaghy. 347 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,645 I can't destroy them. 348 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,147 I'll give them to someone. A fellow ceramophile. 349 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,692 You're like John kerry with his wind surfing. 350 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,611 I warned him too. 351 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,701 Hey, how'd it go with Angie? Terrible. 352 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,619 She hates me. She's hijacking the show. 353 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:07,911 I've gotta talk to Jack. 354 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,765 Oh, you want a scary black lady to be nice to you? 355 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,999 Tell her you like her nails. 356 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,001 Always works for me at the bank. 357 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,377 Hmm. 358 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,949 Ms. Lemon, may I speak with you? 359 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,006 Sure, can you walk and talk? 360 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,883 Uh, usually, but now you got me thinking about it. 361 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:24,846 Jenna with problem I have... 362 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,347 There it is. 363 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,450 I'm supposed to be helping Ms. Moroney stay fat, 364 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,474 but it's not working. 365 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:30,685 How do I get her to eat? 366 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,186 Well, a lot of women over-eat 367 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,998 because they feel bad about themselves. 368 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,648 Maybe that's the problem. 369 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,020 Everything's going so well for Ms. Moroney right now. 370 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,236 Yeah, so be mean to her. 371 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,363 Women with low self-esteem take refuge 372 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,157 in either food or sex. 373 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,783 Not me, of course. 374 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,261 Hi, I just wanted to meet you, Mr. Mason. 375 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,538 I'm a really big fan. 376 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,666 Who picked out your outfit? Stevie wonder? 377 00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,463 Hey! Hey! 378 00:13:58,755 --> 00:13:59,755 Ugh. 379 00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,050 So you gotta be mean, Kenneth. 380 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,142 I guess I could wait for her to drop something 381 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,804 and then say, "smooth move, ex-lax." 382 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,696 That's what my mom's friend Ron would do. 383 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:09,307 Oh, brother. 384 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,684 All right, Jenna really wants this, huh? 385 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:12,976 Her career depends on it. 386 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,227 Please help. 387 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,914 Okay, do you have something to write on? 388 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,441 Oh. 389 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,985 Oh, I got one. 390 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,366 Sir, someone else called 391 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:27,937 about purchasing your collection. 392 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,869 A Mr. Gary Heingarten. 393 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:31,746 No, Jonathan, he lives in Albany. 394 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,665 The temperature fluctuations alone would... 395 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,293 These things expand and contract. 396 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,253 They're alive, Jonathan. 397 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:43,132 Hey, do you have a minute? Tracy's wife is... 398 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,504 What's with the cookie jar? 399 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:45,760 I collect them. 400 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:46,552 Really? 401 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,724 Is that some sort of unresolved childhood thing? 402 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:49,931 Nice try. 403 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,766 We never had any cookie jars in my home 404 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,702 because my mother never baked us any cookies 405 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,566 because she never felt we deserved any cookies. 406 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,643 So obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood. 407 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,233 But that cookie jar says "mom" on it. 408 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,776 I don't think so. 409 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,945 I've always viewed it as an upside down wow. 410 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,405 But it doesn't matter now, 411 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,074 because I have to, um, 412 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,534 get rid of them all. 413 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:10,326 Why? 414 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,804 Because the guy with the weird hobby 415 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,372 never gets the corner office. 416 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,125 Lemon, what is going on on your Stage right now? 417 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,170 Ugh! 418 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:22,856 This is what I came to talk to you about. 419 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,132 Tracy's wife is out of control. 420 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,943 Did you tell her you like her fingernails? 421 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,218 No. 422 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:30,888 But I thought that we could give her a consultant credit. 423 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,940 It's meaningless, but it might calm her down. 424 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:33,641 Lemon, I'm impressed. 425 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,661 You're beginning to think like a businessman. 426 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:38,646 A businesswoman. I don't think that's a word. 427 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,541 Unfortunately, what you've gotten yourself into 428 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,525 is not a business situation but a family conflict, 429 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:43,151 so it's tricky 430 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,944 so what do I do about Angie? 431 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,174 I think you're gonna have to fight her. 432 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,283 What? Yeah. 433 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,075 You throw her out. 434 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,453 She'll probably punch you in the face. 435 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,013 Then we eject her from the building 436 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,037 and we bar her for life. 437 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,567 Now, I think Angie's right-handed, 438 00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:58,124 so you have to work her clockwise. 439 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,543 Wait, you've already thought about fighting her? 440 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,035 Every time I meet a new person 441 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,355 I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em. 442 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,088 You have a gimpy left knee, right? 443 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:04,881 No, I'm not gonna fight anybody, Jack. 444 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,483 I'm just gonna give her the stupid title 445 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,507 and she'll back off. 446 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,194 Lemon, you're gonna get hit in the face, 447 00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,418 and it's gonna hurt like hell. 448 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,391 You want to lean in to take away their momentum. 449 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,056 Hands up, come on! I don't want to. 450 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,142 Lean in, come on. Oh, Jack, stop it! 451 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,313 Hello, Jenna. 452 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:21,765 "Still failing at over-eating 453 00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,584 just like you fail at everything in your life?" 454 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,193 What? "You quitter." 455 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,445 "You gonna quit this like you quit fashion school? 456 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,905 "Give up like you gave up 457 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,757 on your relationship with David Blaine?" 458 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,284 He's the one who drove the wedge with his magic. 459 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,578 Also, "you've got so many daddy issues", 460 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,910 "the only thing keeping you from being a stripper... 461 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:38,623 Is your weird mole." 462 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:42,710 Kenneth, that's very hurtful. 463 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,504 "You lied about your brother drowning 464 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,797 so people would come to your one-woman show." 465 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,967 Kenneth, I've never heard you talk this way. 466 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,779 "Your toes look like dried up shrimps." 467 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,971 Ohh! Mm! 468 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,308 Oh, daddy! 469 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,809 Go on, keep talking. 470 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,895 What else don't you like about me? 471 00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,187 Uhh! 472 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,565 Can I help you? 473 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,860 Yes, uh, Angie, I know 474 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,946 you and I got off on the wrong foot here. 475 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,615 But I want you to know that I appreciate 476 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,951 your contribution to the show. 477 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:19,205 And so I want to offer you a consultant credit. 478 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,165 I don't want that crap title. 479 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:21,958 You think you're gonna buy me off 480 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,250 so I'll play nice? 481 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,211 Heh! It's never gonna happen. 482 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,798 Okay. 483 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,841 I'm ordering you to leave. 484 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,510 Excuse me? 485 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,262 Get your stuff and get out. 486 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,305 Don't make me say it again. 487 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:37,098 No, Liz Lemon, don't do it. 488 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,100 Are you stepping up on me? 489 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,152 So what if I am? Also, your nails look tacky. 490 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,354 Oh, wait a minute! 491 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,398 Enough, damn it, enough! 492 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,984 Do I have to fix this situation? 493 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,735 I am the immature one. 494 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,279 But the both of you, 495 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,531 you're forcing me to act like an adult. 496 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:54,907 An adult! 497 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,951 And even worse, 498 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,954 you're making me stop two ladies from going at it. 499 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,373 But I don't care. 500 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,000 'Cause I'm putting my foot down. 501 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,772 You're putting your foot down with me? 502 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:06,544 Uh-huh. 503 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,838 Baby, you got to go! 504 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:09,630 You're controlling. 505 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,966 You're manipulative. You're loud... 506 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:12,758 Tracy... huh? 507 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,678 I've never heard you talk like that before. 508 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,639 Wait, let me get the shirt off. 509 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,850 Get it off. Ooh! 510 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,226 Okay, so just to be clear, 511 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,854 does this mean Angie is leaving or... 512 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,065 Oh, no! You guys start with that? 513 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,735 That... wow! That is... 514 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,492 Mr. Donaghy, I've got some bad news. 515 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,745 I wasn't able to get Ms. Moroney to eat. 516 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,663 I'm so sorry. What happened? 517 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,583 Well, it turns out she's the wrong kind of crazy. 518 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,418 And I guess we have to get married now. 519 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,754 Apology accepted, Kenneth. 520 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,215 I suppose we're both having a pretty bad day. 521 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,802 Ah, look at that kooky old cookie jar. 522 00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,971 I like the upside down "wow" on it. 523 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,144 You like cookie jars, Kenneth? 524 00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:08,481 Well, I guess I never thought about it that much. 525 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,650 We had a nice one back home in Georgia. 526 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,777 Had a bear on it. 527 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:17,448 I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. 528 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:20,534 They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, 529 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:24,330 and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar. 530 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,082 It was almost as if 531 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,377 I took every problem that I ever had 532 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,672 and I put inside that cookie jar. 533 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,465 And I sealed it up so tight 534 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,803 that nothing would never, ever, ever get out. 535 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,516 So I guess to answer your question, 536 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,644 I'd give cookie jars about a "b." 537 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,312 Some people have so many problems 538 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,106 that there aren't enough cookie jars 539 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,649 in the world to contain them. 540 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,068 Oh, well, that just makes me sad. 541 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:59,490 Kenneth, I have a cookie jar collection. 542 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,200 Would you like to have it? 543 00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:03,244 Of course, sir, I'd love to! 544 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,413 Always hold them squarely at the base, 545 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,705 never by the lid. 546 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:07,872 And should you ever go 547 00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:09,583 to the convention in sarasota, 548 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,044 please tell Patty and Beth and all of them 549 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:15,005 that, uh, Vic nightingale says hello. 550 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,297 Uh, okay, sir. 551 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,855 Are you happy now, you son of a bitch? 552 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,944 You son of a bitch.