1
00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:04,172
Thank you.

2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,641
Hey.

3
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,143
Hey.
Wow.

4
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,778
Hot dog times, huh?

5
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,280
I only eat them
on special occasions.

6
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,114
What's the special occasion?

7
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,248
I decided to eat one.

8
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:15,416
Fair enough.

9
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,185
You going this way?

10
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,652
Uh, no, I'm going in here,
actually.

11
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,622
I'll see you later.
Okay, bye.

12
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,024
[bells tolling]

13
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,429
Church on a Tuesday?

14
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,098
But he seemed so normal.

15
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,699
I know, right?

16
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,302
(Jack)
And, uh, this is Kenneth,

17
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:36,404
one of our pages.
Kenneth, this is Devin Banks,

18
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,139
our Vice President
of West Coast News,

19
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,108
Web Content and Theme Park
Talent Relations.

20
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,442
Hey, Devin,
you better watch out,

21
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,776
Kenneth might take
your job one day.

22
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,112
Or your job, Jack.

23
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,546
[both laughing]

24
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,614
Or his job!

25
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,815
[laughing alone]

26
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,451
Why don't we just, uh--

27
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:56,657
Devin.
Yeah.

28
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:57,658
(Pete)
Morning.

29
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:58,692
My notes.

30
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,794
Ugh, dude, how can we
be wearing the same outfit?

31
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,663
You saw me leave the apartment
this morning.

32
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,332
I saw you put it on
and I thought it looked nice.

33
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,766
How long are you staying
with me?

34
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:06,800
Indefinitely.

35
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,136
Huh.

36
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:09,103
Liz, I want you to meet
Devin Banks.

37
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,104
He's in from L.A.

38
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,105
Devin, this is Lemon.

39
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:12,106
Hi.
Hi.

40
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:12,973
Love the show.
Thank you.

41
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,276
Look, I gotta go.
Thanks for the tour.

42
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:18,312
You guys...
you're the real heroes.

43
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,650
They get younger every year.

44
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,286
These punks who think they can
take down Jack Donaghy.

45
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,754
You're worried about
that guy?

46
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,756
Banks is in New York
for a reason,

47
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,491
and I intend to send him
back to L.A.

48
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,160
Wow, if this turns into
a showdown,

49
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:33,461
you guys could settle it
with a

50
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:36,264
[as Donaghy]
talking like this contest.

51
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:37,631
Banks is no slouch.

52
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,302
He pioneered the concept
of ten second internet sitcoms.

53
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,304
* Making it happen

54
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,505
Honey, I'm home.

55
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,207
[ironically]
Oh, great.

56
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,175
[canned laughter]

57
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,209
* We made it

58
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:50,811
I'm sure he's here to dazzle
the old men

59
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,813
with his webisode ideas,
but I have ideas too, Lemon.

60
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:53,814
Like what?

61
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:54,782
Something big.

62
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,685
A live television special
with fireworks.

63
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,287
They can do shapes now.

64
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,289
One time, I saw a cowboy hat.

65
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:04,225
Boom, boom, boom.

66
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,227
Boy, you're gonna need more
than that though.

67
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,228
Maybe you're right.

68
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,629
I want you on this, Lemon.

69
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,264
Those jokes you wrote
for my Mitt Romney fundraiser,

70
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,265
they were top-notch.

71
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,466
Those weren't jokes.

72
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,569
That was an appeal for a return
to common sense and decency.

73
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:16,870
Well, it got big laughs.

74
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:21,375
(Frank)
Yeah, we should do a sketch
about alien abductions.

75
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,376
(all)
Yeah.

76
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,545
Like a Lamaze class
in Roswell.

77
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,546
Lamazewell.

78
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:26,714
(Frank)
Dude,

79
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,517
what's with the ridiculous
hat and glasses?

80
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:30,518
I'm incognito.

81
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,286
Some dude is trying to slap me
with a subpoena

82
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,621
for a paternity suit.

83
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,356
But the kid ain't mine.

84
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,690
How do you know
it's not your child?

85
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,959
'Cause I remember that girl
and it's impossible.

86
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,093
I never got out of my car

87
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,597
and she never got all the way
out of her tollbooth!

88
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:44,598
(man)
Okay.

89
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,733
Let's get back to work, guys.

90
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,936
How about a sketch about
Bill Clinton eating hamburgers?

91
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,539
That stinks.
What is this, 1992?

92
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,474
Eh, what do you want from me?

93
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,542
I'm not a comedy writer.

94
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:55,543
Wha--?

95
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,245
Mr. Jordan...

96
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,546
you've been served.

97
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:04,385
[exciting jazz music]

98
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:12,426
*

99
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,436
(Jack)
You know,
the more I think about it,

100
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,905
the more jazzed I'm getting
about these fireworks.

101
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:27,841
Maybe don't pitch
the fireworks thing right away.

102
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,009
I'm gonna come up
with a couple other things

103
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,010
I think you'll like better.

104
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,579
Well, what I'm saying is,

105
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,614
that is what we're selling
at the pitch meeting, Lemon:

106
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:34,615
spectacle.

107
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,849
It's what people want.

108
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:36,850
The Romans knew it.

109
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:37,851
Louis XIV knew it.

110
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:38,852
Wolfowitz knows it.

111
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,987
(Jonathan)
Mr. Donaghy.

112
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,390
As instructed,
I was spying on Mr. Banks.

113
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,557
And there's something

114
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,658
you should know.

115
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:45,826
So...

116
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,661
what team do you play for?

117
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,530
Oh, it's not really a team.

118
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,732
It's just a bunch of guys
who like doing gymnastics.

119
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:52,900
You know...

120
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:53,901
I'm gonna be in town
for a little while.

121
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,504
Maybe we could...
get together.

122
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,272
My, you're friendly!

123
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,873
Good God.

124
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,375
Devin is gay.

125
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,311
He's even more powerful
than I thought.

126
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,545
Maybe you should seduce him

127
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,914
and get him to tell you
all his secret plans.

128
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,684
So Mr. Donaghy,
what can I do for you?

129
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,821
I heard you were talking
with my colleague Devin Banks.

130
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,789
Did he tell you
why he was in New York?

131
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,991
No, sir, we just talked
about Anderson Cooper mostly.

132
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,393
You should get to know Devin.

133
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,894
Tell him all of
your television ideas.

134
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,896
You know, he started off
as a page just like you.

135
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,598
Really?
So did I!

136
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,536
You say the right things,
ask him the right questions,

137
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:29,837
I'm sure he could open
some doors for you.

138
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,505
Okay.
What kinds of questions?

139
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:32,873
I'll write them down for you.

140
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:33,941
You call him,

141
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,909
tell him you got two tickets
for A Chorus Line

142
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:36,944
for tonight.

143
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,012
And, uh...Kenneth...

144
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,814
Have you ever used bronzer?

145
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,720
Dr. Spaceman,
when they check my DNA,

146
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,389
will they tell me
what diseases I might get

147
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,858
or help me to remember
my ATM pin code?

148
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:51,692
Absolutely.

149
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:55,396
Science is whatever
we want it to be.

150
00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:56,830
I'll let you know
as soon as I have the results.

151
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:57,831
I already know the results.

152
00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,099
The kid is not mine.

153
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,102
Boy, it's crazy to think we used
to settle questions of paternity

154
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,037
by dunking a woman in water

155
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,073
until she admitted
she made it all up.

156
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,643
Mm...different time,
the '60s.

157
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,715
But he was going to church

158
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,817
in the middle of the day
on a Tuesday.

159
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,387
What do you think that means?

160
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,554
It means he probably
murdered someone

161
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,890
and found God
while he was in jail.

162
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,492
Maybe he's born-again?
Ugh, boy.

163
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,560
We'll spend our Saturdays
in Central Park

164
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,362
trying to "save"
gay rollerbladers.

165
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,497
I just wish

166
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,499
people would tell you
immediately when you meet them,

167
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,866
"Hi, I am so and so.

168
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,902
Here's all the weird stuff
about me."

169
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,003
Ah, that would never work.

170
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:36,970
If I told my wife in college,

171
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,906
"Hey, I'm gonna lose
all this beautiful hair

172
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,408
and fart in my sleep
for the next 20 years,"

173
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,443
she never would have
married me.

174
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,413
Love is like an onion,

175
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,881
and you peel away layer
after stinky layer

176
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:51,652
until you're just...
weeping over the sink.

177
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,087
Is that my sweatshirt?

178
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:56,690
Hey!

179
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,560
Oh...sorry.

180
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,128
No, no--
Ugh!

181
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:03,296
(Kenneth)
And I have an idea

182
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,733
for a show about a teacher
named Art.

183
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,735
I call that one
"Art School."

184
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,738
And one about a Jewish guy
who opens an ice cream parlor.

185
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,906
That one's called
"Ice Cream Cohen."

186
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,908
And a drama about two cops,

187
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,578
one named Cash
and one named Carry.

188
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,413
I don't have a title
for that one.

189
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,914
But then also--
Kenneth.

190
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,416
Can I offer you a libation?

191
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,885
I have champagne, vodka,

192
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,954
absinthe--
Fruit punch, please.

193
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:27,988
Right.

194
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:30,924
You'll excuse me.

195
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:34,027
I'll go slip into something
a little more comfortable.

196
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,763
Like in the movies!

197
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:43,203
So Mr. Banks...

198
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,038
what brings you to New York?

199
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,774
Oh, just making the rounds.

200
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:47,908
Hmm.

201
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,979
What projects are you working on
near-slash-long term?

202
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,715
[seductive music]

203
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,050
Oh my.
That's an awful short robe.

204
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,586
I know.

205
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,154
I had to cut it down myself.

206
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,823
*

207
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:03,557
[sighing]

208
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,526
Oh, Kenneth.

209
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,895
You know, I was a page.

210
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,464
And when I was
in the program,

211
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:13,066
we'd give each other a hand.

212
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,003
Can you give me a hand,
Kenneth?

213
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,540
For a fellow page,
anything!

214
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,174
Great.

215
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,644
Tell me about Jack Donaghy.

216
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,546
[video game sounds]

217
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,547
[knock on door]

218
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,249
Tracy, I have the results
of your DNA test.

219
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,819
Now, I'm very serious about

220
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,654
doctor/patient
confidentiality...

221
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,558
so I'm gonna have to ask
that all four of us

222
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:38,959
keep this to ourselves.

223
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,194
What's the verdict, Doc?

224
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,563
Good news.

225
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,164
You are not the father
of that child.

226
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,833
Yeah!
However,

227
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,568
according to my DNA database,

228
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,103
you are a direct descendant
of our third president.

229
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,672
Jasper Buckleman?

230
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,173
[laughing]
No, Tracy.

231
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,542
Our third president.

232
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:55,676
Thomas Jefferson.

233
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,545
Jefferson?
Not possible.

234
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,746
Yeah, that's a white dude.

235
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:01,181
Yeah, but that guy
was into black chicks.

236
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,983
I'm surprised
I'm not a descendant.

237
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,552
These DNA results

238
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:07,588
show that genetically
you're mostly white.

239
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,889
That's ridiculous.

240
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:09,957
I can't be white.

241
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,693
My whole persona is based on
an in-depth analysis

242
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:15,262
of the differences between
black and white.

243
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,031
This is how black people dial
a phone.

244
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,100
* Boop ood a-boop
a-doop a-doop whoop *

245
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,570
This is how white people dial
a phone.

246
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,705
[making sounds without rhythm]

247
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,607
[audience laughing]

248
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,542
I gotta call my wife.

249
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,614
[making sounds without rhythm]

250
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,585
[screaming]

251
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,556
[dramatic music]

252
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,558
Devin.

253
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:45,626
What can I do for you?

254
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,927
*

255
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,029
I think we're way past that,
Jack.

256
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,864
Let's be honest
with each other.

257
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,865
I'll go first.

258
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,867
*

259
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,969
I'm gay and I want your job.

260
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,337
Devin, I'm straighter
than you are gay

261
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,807
and I leave particles
of guys like you in my wind.

262
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,709
I'm not afraid of you.

263
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:04,344
Yeah, well, you should be.

264
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,213
Lets just see how it all
shakes out in the meeting.

265
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,214
*

266
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,582
Yeah...

267
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:11,351
let's.

268
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:16,023
*

269
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,325
Oh, by the way,

270
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,360
a little slim-waisted birdie
in a page jacket

271
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,561
told me you got nothing.

272
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:23,797
You're going down.

273
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:25,065
No, Devin.

274
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,801
I don't do that.

275
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:34,642
*

276
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:35,342
No, no, no.

277
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,343
Are you kidding me?

278
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,211
You eat too many hot dogs.

279
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,880
Please, I am concerned.

280
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,382
I copied this article
on sodium for you.

281
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:43,550
Fine.

282
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,620
But I will be reporting this
to the Fox Problem Solvers.

283
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:04,872
Oh, boy.

284
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,907
What is this, Bible study?

285
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,611
Excuse me one second.

286
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,981
Hey.
Hi.

287
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,182
I didn't know
you came here.

288
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,718
Oh, well, I haven't been
in a super long time.

289
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:20,387
But, yeah, my parents
used to make me go every week.

290
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:21,722
Wow.

291
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,123
Well, welcome back.

292
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,157
Thanks.

293
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:25,358
You're doing the right thing.

294
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,760
Go ahead, have a seat.

295
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:29,830
[sighing]

296
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,231
Okay, everybody.

297
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,399
Let's get started.

298
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:35,836
Hi, my name is Floyd

299
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,237
and I'm an alcoholic.

300
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,371
(all)
Hi, Floyd.

301
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,306
Hi, Floyd.
Uh...

302
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,942
It's been four years since
my last drink.

303
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,311
But I just broke up
with my girlfriend,

304
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,445
so I guess today

305
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,149
I'll be talking about my issues
with women and trust.

306
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,753
The dishonesty
that my dad...

307
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,957
You stayed?

308
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,726
Pete, you don't understand.

309
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,894
He was pouring his guts out.

310
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:03,463
It was like eavesdropping
on somebody else's therapy.

311
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,932
It was great.

312
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,266
Yeah, that's not okay.

313
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:07,167
But I just feel like

314
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,702
I've known him forever now,
you know?

315
00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:10,437
I mean,
his father was awful.

316
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,739
Awful.

317
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:12,672
And he told this story

318
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,875
about trying to make
French toast for his mom

319
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,210
when he was a kid
and he started crying!

320
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:18,278
I love him.

321
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,347
Liz, what is your plan here?
What are you gonna do?

322
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,815
You're gonna fake
being an alcoholic

323
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:22,816
for the rest of your life?

324
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,217
I don't know, okay?

325
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,719
One day at a time, Pete.

326
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,387
I'm gonna take it
one day at a time.

327
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,824
I want you to tell me everything
that happened last night.

328
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,393
The curtains open on a group
of chorus line dreamers

329
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,162
in 1970s leotards--

330
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,396
Five, six--

331
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,597
Stop that.
I'm not talking about the show.

332
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:40,734
The only reason I sent you
to Banks was to get information.

333
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,102
Why were you telling him
anything?

334
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,236
I'm sorry, sir.

335
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:44,905
I had to keep talking
just to stop him

336
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,506
from putting his fingers
in my mouth.

337
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,810
Kenneth, you are the worst
gay bait ever.

338
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,478
You used me?

339
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:52,445
For television.

340
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,382
Kenneth, I humiliated you
for television.

341
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,217
Like on What's Happening

342
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,518
when that man used Rerun

343
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,520
to bootleg
that Doobie Brothers concert!

344
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,354
Exactly.

345
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:02,289
And I need
to humiliate you again.

346
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,224
I got a very important meeting
coming up

347
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,926
and Banks cannot be there.

348
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,194
And you want me to kill him.

349
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,862
No.

350
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,230
I need you to distract him.

351
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,364
You gotta make sure
he doesn't leave

352
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,066
that hotel room
tomorrow morning.

353
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,367
I'll do it.

354
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,369
Just like Sidney Bristow
on Alias,

355
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,206
I'll use my sexuality
as a weapon.

356
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,240
To the wig shop!

357
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,410
Psst, Lemon!

358
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:24,377
Lemon, it's on.

359
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,178
Banks is gunning for me.

360
00:12:25,212 --> 00:12:27,080
8:00 a.m., Thursday.
Are you ready?

361
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:28,515
Yeah, I've been working on it
all week.

362
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,417
[sighing]

363
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,885
I don't know what happened
in your life

364
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,054
that cause you to develop
a sense of humor

365
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,155
as a coping mechanism.

366
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,557
Maybe it was some sort of brace
or corrective boot

367
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,558
you wore during childhood.

368
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,860
But in any case,

369
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,528
I'm glad you're on my team.

370
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:42,562
Ah.

371
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,198
I can't do this sketch!

372
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,333
What? Why?

373
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,902
Because you can't have
a white dude playing a criminal.

374
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,071
That's a negative portrayal
of my people!

375
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,439
Tracy, you're not white.

376
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,307
I don't know who I am anymore!

377
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,143
There's been a black man
inside of me

378
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,010
for a long time,

379
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,079
now there's a white guy
up in here too.

380
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,948
It's like the audience
for a Bobby McFerrin concert

381
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:01,982
up in here!

382
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,384
Tracy, you should be honored
to be a descendant

383
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,452
of Thomas Jefferson.

384
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,254
Of course you would say that.

385
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,321
You wish you were white.

386
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,589
(Toofer)
Wh--how dare you?

387
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:13,093
I happen to know what it means
to be proud of one's heritage.

388
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,095
My great-great-great
grandfather

389
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,596
was one of the few black men

390
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,365
who had achieved
an officer's rank

391
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,900
during the Civil War.

392
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,970
This is a picture of him
shaking hands

393
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,338
with Ulysses S. Grant.

394
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,540
(Frank)
Yeah, let me check that out.

395
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:30,310
I think he's shaking hands
with Robert E. Lee.

396
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,480
Dude, your relative fought
for the South.

397
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,548
[southern music]
[laughing]

398
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:39,019
You're related to a black
Confederate officer.

399
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,454
*

400
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,557
[laughing]
That's messed up.

401
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,392
See?

402
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,295
Now you know
what I'm going through.

403
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,397
Do you think these other
black guys

404
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,332
are his prisoners or what?

405
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,533
[laughing]

406
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,404
Maybe Jack's special
could be based on a holiday.

407
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,406
What's left in April?

408
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,243
Arbor Day, the Boston Marathon
and Hitler's birthday.

409
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,245
So...you got options.

410
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,279
Eh...

411
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,052
Hey, Liz?

412
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:12,920
Hi.
Hi. Hey.

413
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,254
Could I--
can I talk to you for a sec?

414
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,288
Yeah.
All right.

415
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,558
I'm sorry to do this at work,

416
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,293
I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.

417
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,963
You weren't
at the meeting today.

418
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,531
Oh! No, I'm okay.

419
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:25,532
(Floyd)
Okay, good.

420
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,435
I just wanna offer my support.

421
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,403
If you ever need
to talk to someone,

422
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,273
I'd be more than happy
to take you out for coffee.

423
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:35,608
[silently]
No.

424
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,445
Do you have time now?

425
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,512
Sure.

426
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,580
Okay.

427
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,581
Oh.

428
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,450
Sorry.
Sorry.

429
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,957
[ethereal music]

430
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,559
[cheers and applause]

431
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:53,326
All right, Tracy.

432
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,395
I have the DNA results
right here.

433
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,230
Are you ready
to find out who

434
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,099
your biological father is?

435
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,333
I think I am.

436
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:01,401
Tracy...

437
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,938
Meet your father, Tom.

438
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:08,108
[audience booing]

439
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,142
No!

440
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,143
(Tracy)
I hate you,

441
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,278
Thomas Jefferson!

442
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,980
I don't know
who I am anymore!

443
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,348
[audience hollering]

444
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,950
Hey, Maury, he a dog.

445
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:17,717
He a dog.

446
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:18,851
[cheers and applause]

447
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,454
Sally Hemings just called you
a dog, Thomas Jefferson.

448
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,390
No matter, Maurence.

449
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,125
I'm here for you,

450
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,226
Tracy Jordan.

451
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,360
I rode a horse

452
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:29,496
all the way from heaven
to tell you something important.

453
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,131
America,

454
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,265
which I invented...

455
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,302
[audience booing]

456
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:40,707
which I invented,

457
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,743
is a great country

458
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,579
because we are not burdened
by our pasts.

459
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:50,417
Embrace who you are,
Tracy Jordan.

460
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,752
And may the Force
be with you always.

461
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,989
[cheers and applause]

462
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,492
[fateful music]

463
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:05,398
I have never seen so much
come out of one pigeon!

464
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,400
Yeah, I think it
might've been sick.

465
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,437
Or maybe the little guy
ate a cigarette or something.

466
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,440
Hey, do you wanna come over?

467
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,741
My friend Pete
is staying with me

468
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,443
and we've decided
that we're gonna do this thing

469
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,579
where every night we watch
one of the AFI top 100 movies.

470
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,281
How many have you
gone through?

471
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,283
Well, I only have
Star Wars and Tootsie,

472
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,752
so we just keeping watching
those two over and over.

473
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,420
I'm in.

474
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:29,589
But only 'cause
your friend's there.

475
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,291
Otherwise it would be
too tempting

476
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,461
for this to turn
into a...a real date.

477
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,595
What do you mean?

478
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:37,464
Well...

479
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,132
Obviously, since we're
in the same group,

480
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,567
we can never date.

481
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,402
It's against the rules.

482
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,105
Right, but isn't that
one of those rules like,

483
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,739
"don't walk between
the subway cars,"

484
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,808
and all the cool people
just do it anyway?

485
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,145
Liz, I need the rules.

486
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:54,347
The last time I drank
I ended up doing

487
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:57,350
a man-on-the street commercial
for Tarzan on Ice.

488
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,419
[mumbling]
It was awesome!

489
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,522
I mean, he was swinging
on his skates!

490
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:05,492
And the little monkey
was funny.

491
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,461
I wanna see it again!

492
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,663
Yikes.
Yeah.

493
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,499
And I didn't even see it.

494
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,801
So all the rules.
Yeah.

495
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,469
But I'll buy the popcorn.

496
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:21,808
[sighing]

497
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,582
Karate!

498
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,619
Karate!

499
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,755
Karate!

500
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,624
[knock on door]

501
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,695
Kenneth,

502
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,730
what are you doing here?

503
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:47,167
Well, I was
in the neighborhood.

504
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:51,404
Hmm.

505
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,706
Do you want me
to dance for you?

506
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:57,644
[The Commodores' Brick House]

507
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,212
*

508
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,213
Yeah.

509
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,214
*

510
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:02,349
That's the business.

511
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,350
Oh, man.

512
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:04,684
Yeah.

513
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,453
[woman on radio]
This is traffic on the twos.

514
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:07,820
Top deck of the G.W. Bridge...
(Devin)
Yeah.

515
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,656
Touch your belt buckle.

516
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,391
Oh, touch the peacock.

517
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,525
Construction on the Merritt
causing slowdowns.

518
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,593
Oh, you're a peacock.

519
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,762
The time is now 7:52.

520
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,765
[music on the radio]

521
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,600
7:52?

522
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,435
You warlock!

523
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,670
You came to entrance me.

524
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,340
Donaghy sent you.

525
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,146
Where the hell is Lemon?

526
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,181
I can't find her.

527
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,916
[cell phone vibrating]

528
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,919
[instrumental version of
It Might Be You]

529
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:45,625
*

530
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:46,593
[cell phone beeping]

531
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,461
*

532
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,596
Hey.
Oh, hey.

533
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,698
Good morning.
Good morning.

534
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:52,599
Oh, I'm sorry.

535
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,667
I guess I kinda fell asleep
on your legs.

536
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:55,802
I know. It's weird.

537
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:56,936
I've never let anybody put
their head

538
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,205
that close to my feet before.

539
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,372
[both laughing]

540
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:00,373
Um, do you want
some coffee?

541
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,374
Aaagh.

542
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,442
Oh boy.

543
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:03,643
Pins and needles.
Are you all right?

544
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:04,644
Aah!

545
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:05,445
Both my legs are asleep.

546
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,779
Okay, all right.
Here we go. Come on.

547
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,448
Hop up.

548
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,449
Here we go.

549
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,483
All right?

550
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,652
Walk it off,
scarecrow.

551
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:13,853
[both laughing]
Oh.

552
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,822
That was really fun
last night.

553
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,457
I, uh...

554
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,926
I think Tootsie's
a very well-crafted movie.

555
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:22,762
Yeah, they use it as an example
in all the screenplay books.

556
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:23,930
Oh.

557
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,064
Look...

558
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,535
I would really love to do this
again sometime, but I...

559
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,769
You know,
I don't think it's a good idea.

560
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:30,770
Bye.

561
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:31,938
I--

562
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,277
Floyd, I'm not an alcoholic.

563
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,478
I lied.

564
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,481
I followed you to that church
because I have a crush on you

565
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,782
and I let you think
that I belonged there.

566
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,451
What?
I know.

567
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:47,787
I know it makes me seem
just nut-log Ann Heche crazy,

568
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,623
but if there's any way
that you could see past it--

569
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:51,791
No!

570
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,526
No, that--

571
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,764
I said stuff in there that even
my best friends don't know.

572
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:58,631
I know.

573
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,267
That's supposed to be
a safe place!

574
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,200
I know.

575
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,603
It is extremely not okay
that you did that!

576
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,604
[door opening]

577
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,005
What are you still doing here?

578
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,006
Don't you have
a breakfast meeting

579
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,608
with Jack?
Oh!

580
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,643
Oh, oh!

581
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,645
Floyd, I'm sorry.
I have to go.

582
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,547
No, no, no.
No, I'm--I'm going.

583
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,950
I feel more confused
and betrayed

584
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,852
than those people
that worked with Tootsie.

585
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,023
[sighing]

586
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:27,327
Bear with me. Sorry.

587
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,629
(Devin)
Gentlemen, lady,

588
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:30,430
if Jack's not ready,
I'd like to tell you

589
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,965
about the future
of entertainment.

590
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:33,966
What am I talking about?

591
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,968
Celebrity snuff.

592
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:37,837
Reality content.

593
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,673
Made exclusively
for your mobile phone.

594
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:41,974
Now, what's that?

595
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:46,313
MC Lyte just murdered
Danny Bonaduce?

596
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,980
Oh, thanks, phone!

597
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:50,016
Or...

598
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,353
fireworks.

599
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,288
What?

600
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:57,790
Banks here wants to make TV
smaller.

601
00:20:57,824 --> 00:21:00,793
But broadcast television is big.

602
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:01,661
It's about spectacle.

603
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,630
The kinds of shows
we watched as kids

604
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,665
sitting on
our neighbor's knee.

605
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:09,402
Inaugurations, the Super Bowl,
the Oscars.

606
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,004
That's why we got into
television in the first place.

607
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:14,641
That's why I give you...

608
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:18,010
The Rockefeller Center Salute
to Fireworks!

609
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:23,716
Can you get those fireworks
that look like cowboy hats?

610
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,917
You sure can.

611
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:28,521
Thank you so much.

612
00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:29,956
I appreciate
your patience.

613
00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:32,459
Mr. Donaghy,
Liz Lemon is on the phone.

614
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,097
Don't bother coming in, Lemon.
You're off the project.

615
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,098
I'll do it without you.

616
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,733
Jack, I'm so sorry.

617
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:41,668
It's just, you know, I told you
about the Flower Guy and--

618
00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:42,969
I don't have time for this.

619
00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:44,637
You've made
your priorities clear.

620
00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:46,773
I hope he's worth it.

621
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,541
[sighing]

622
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:51,544
[theme of The Good, the Bad,
and the Ugly]

623
00:21:51,578 --> 00:21:53,513
[whistling]

624
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:57,384
*

625
00:21:57,417 --> 00:22:00,720
(Frank)
I found a biography
on your ancestor.

626
00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:01,888
It's called,

627
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,358
Confederate Monster:
The Tobias Spurlock Disaster.

628
00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:07,126
(Tracy)
Yo, Toof,
how you doing?

629
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:08,428
Not good.

630
00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:10,497
The barn that
John Wilkes Booth hid in

631
00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,499
belonged to Tobias Spurlock.

632
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:13,466
Well, listen.

633
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,636
Dream Jefferson told me
some amazing stuff.

634
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:18,070
He said it's not about

635
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:19,639
who you were,

636
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:22,041
it's about who you are
right now.

637
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:23,810
(Frank)
No, Toofer.

638
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:25,645
Give in to your heritage.

639
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,346
Kill Tracy.

640
00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:29,882
Let me shoot
something at you.

641
00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:32,519
I came up with a movie idea
about all of this.

642
00:22:32,552 --> 00:22:33,720
And I want you to write it.

643
00:22:33,753 --> 00:22:34,987
Okay, what's the movie?

644
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:38,725
It's the story
of Thomas Jefferson,

645
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:40,660
only thing we're gonna do it
like Norbit,

646
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,529
where I play all the parts.

647
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:44,831
That's actually hilarious.

648
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:45,832
[all laughing]

649
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:46,966
It's not a comedy.

650
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:48,468
It's a drama.

651
00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:49,736
Oh.

652
00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:55,007
Hi...um...

653
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:57,510
I'm really sorry
about what I did,

654
00:22:57,544 --> 00:22:59,512
and I know that
you can't forgive me.

655
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:01,514
But just to even things out...

656
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:03,883
here's all of
my weird secret stuff.

657
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:08,988
I have been sexually rejected
by not one, but two guys

658
00:23:09,021 --> 00:23:10,757
who later went
to Clown College.

659
00:23:10,790 --> 00:23:11,958
I get super nervous

660
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:14,527
whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner
because when I was a kid,

661
00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:15,562
my mom used to turn on
the vacuum

662
00:23:15,595 --> 00:23:18,731
to drown out the sound
of her and my dad fighting.

663
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,701
Which is why I rarely vacuum
my apartment.

664
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,437
Like...never.

665
00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:26,973
I have had three donuts
so far today.

666
00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:28,641
Uh, once in college,

667
00:23:28,675 --> 00:23:30,510
I pooped my pants a little bit

668
00:23:30,543 --> 00:23:32,645
at a Country Steaks
all-you-can-eat buffet,

669
00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:34,647
and I didn't leave

670
00:23:34,681 --> 00:23:37,484
until I finished
my second plate of shrimp.

671
00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:38,485
A couple months of ago

672
00:23:38,518 --> 00:23:40,520
I went on a date
with my cousin.

673
00:23:40,553 --> 00:23:42,989
Wow, I--
I am a mess.

674
00:23:43,022 --> 00:23:44,824
There is an 80% chance

675
00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:46,993
in the next election
that I will tell all my friends

676
00:23:47,026 --> 00:23:48,528
I am voting for Barack Obama,

677
00:23:48,561 --> 00:23:50,530
but I will secretly vote
for John McCain.

678
00:23:50,563 --> 00:23:51,831
Here's one, um...

679
00:23:51,864 --> 00:23:52,665
when I was a kid,

680
00:23:52,699 --> 00:23:54,667
I used to put on
my fanciest nightgown

681
00:23:54,701 --> 00:23:57,236
and then I would mix
orange soda and cream soda

682
00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:58,404
in a champagne glass

683
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,873
and I would sit in the dark
and watch The Love Boat.

684
00:24:00,907 --> 00:24:03,510
Consequently, I have some
weird sexual fantasy stuff

685
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:04,511
about Gopher

686
00:24:04,544 --> 00:24:06,045
from The Love Boat.

687
00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:09,516
And I...lied.

688
00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:11,551
I have had five donuts today.

689
00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:15,655
So, um...that's my deal.

690
00:24:15,688 --> 00:24:16,956
Now we're even.

691
00:24:18,725 --> 00:24:20,893
Liz.

692
00:24:20,927 --> 00:24:24,531
You know, the Roomba is a nice,
quiet alternative to a vacuum.

693
00:24:24,564 --> 00:24:27,667
Thank you, that's uh...
that's a good tip.

694
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,002
And in the interest
of full disclosure,

695
00:24:30,036 --> 00:24:33,706
I also have a sexual fantasy
about Gopher.

696
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:35,074
Except mine's the one
from Caddyshack.

697
00:24:35,107 --> 00:24:36,676
[laughing]

698
00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:39,045
Well, that makes sense
'cause he's a very good dancer.

699
00:24:39,078 --> 00:24:42,048
[romantic song]

700
00:24:42,081 --> 00:24:47,720
*

701
00:24:47,754 --> 00:24:50,757
[applause on TV]

702
00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:54,527
* Sky rockets in flight

703
00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:57,564
* Afternoon at night

704
00:24:57,597 --> 00:24:58,698
Oh, boy.

705
00:24:58,731 --> 00:25:00,232
I really should've been
at that meeting.

706
00:25:00,266 --> 00:25:01,534
[applause]

707
00:25:01,568 --> 00:25:05,805
Welcome to the Rockefeller
Center Salute to Fireworks!

708
00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:08,007
Now without further ado,

709
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,843
three hours of fireworks!

710
00:25:10,877 --> 00:25:12,745
[applause]

711
00:25:12,779 --> 00:25:14,847
[fireworks explosions]

712
00:25:14,881 --> 00:25:16,015
Wait, fireworks?

713
00:25:16,048 --> 00:25:17,550
In Midtown?

714
00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:19,719
On a day that is not
the Fourth of July?

715
00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:21,921
[loud fireworks explosions]

716
00:25:21,954 --> 00:25:23,255
Oh, my God.

717
00:25:23,289 --> 00:25:24,757
Oh, boy.

718
00:25:24,791 --> 00:25:26,893
That's gonna scare
a lot of people.

719
00:25:28,761 --> 00:25:30,763
[audience gasping]

720
00:25:30,797 --> 00:25:33,666
[fireworks explosions continue]

721
00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:36,869
Sir, the Mayor.

722
00:25:39,739 --> 00:25:41,574
Shut it down!

723
00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,678
Shut it down!

724
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:48,815
[John Philip Sousa's
Liberty Bell March]

725
00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:49,916
Oh, boy.

726
00:25:49,949 --> 00:25:51,951
I really should've been
at that meeting.