1 00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:05,239 (stage manager) We're back in two minutes! 2 00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:06,440 So are you going to ask out the Head? 3 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,441 The Head? 4 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,710 There are these two MSNBC guys 5 00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:10,711 we keep seeing around, 6 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:11,545 and we don't know their names, 7 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:13,214 so we call them the Head and the Hair. 8 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:15,083 How come? 9 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,221 So what are you, like 6'2"? 10 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,223 6'5". 11 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,624 Wow. 12 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,326 I see you're looking at my watch. 13 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,327 What? 14 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,495 It's cool, isn't it? 15 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,762 That's a Japanese pie watch. 16 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:29,663 Oh, okay. 17 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,832 It tells time with those little pie pieces. 18 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,501 Each piece is six minutes. 19 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,203 So right now, 20 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:37,238 it's six times four. 21 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,373 5:30. That can't be right. 22 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,075 My watch has these little hands 23 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,643 that go around and point at numbers. 24 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,312 Hey, that's awesome, possum. 25 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:45,479 (stage manager) One minute! 26 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,614 The point is, 27 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,316 the Hair is ridiculously good looking. 28 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,150 It's true. 29 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,651 He makes me nervous just to be around. 30 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,286 (Jenna) And the Head is perfectly harmless 31 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,122 and totally into Ms. Liz Lemon. 32 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,323 Hmm... [Liz laughs] 33 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,724 Not as much as he's into his pie watch. 34 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,459 I think the Head sounds perfect for you right now. 35 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:01,162 I mean, low pressure, high nerd factor, come on. 36 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,096 (Jenna) If you're serious 37 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,597 about getting your personal life on track, 38 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:04,632 you need to work at it. 39 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,367 Okay, fine! I'll ask him out. 40 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,335 I win. 41 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:08,869 No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut. 42 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,404 You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now. 43 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,839 What? Pete! 44 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:12,773 Gary! Lutz! 45 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,442 What do you think sounds like the better idea 46 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,477 for a new show? 47 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,146 A talk show without a host, 48 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,680 just the voice of the dead lady 49 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:20,681 from Desperate Housewives, 50 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,584 or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies 51 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:26,287 who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight? 52 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,556 Never mind. 53 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,357 This television programming stuff 54 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:33,127 is just one unpredictable ass ache, 55 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,129 and I want you to get it out of here. 56 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,131 Kenneth, please. 57 00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,232 Come in. 58 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,367 Is this about the clementine 59 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,668 I took off the actors' snack table? 60 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,270 Because the catering lady already talked to me. 61 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,837 No, no. 62 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,606 No, I wanted to talk to you 63 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,674 about our corporate "Bottoms Up" day. 64 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,276 Once a year, 65 00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,178 all the Senior VPs spend one day 66 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,913 doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. 67 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,615 Last year I was a welder 68 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,650 at one of our locomotive factories, 69 00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:57,751 and I made this. 70 00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,720 And this year, 71 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,789 I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss. 72 00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:04,192 Thank you, sir. 73 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,160 That's how the "Bottoms Up" program works. 74 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:09,163 I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. 75 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:12,700 And I want you to ride me as hard as you can. 76 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,703 [upbeat jazzy swing music] 77 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:23,744 * 78 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,188 Dude, this party was messed up! 79 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:35,789 They had girls dancing in cages. 80 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,825 And not the go-go cages, 81 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,328 the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in. 82 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,962 [laughing] That is awesome. 83 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,797 That is upsetting. That is awesome. 84 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,266 It couldn't have been that great a party. 85 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:47,535 You're on time to work for the first time ever. 86 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,270 January 17th. 87 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,739 Write it down, Cerie. It's historic. 88 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,207 How dare you, Liz Lemon? 89 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,608 I'm not arriving to work. 90 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,277 I left the party on a bacon run. 91 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,880 Write it down, Cerie. 92 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,582 January 17th. 93 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,851 Just like every other day. 94 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,253 Oh, what's today's date? 95 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,854 January 17th. 96 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,389 2007? 97 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,691 Yeah. Ah, dammit! 98 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:11,892 I knew this was going to happen. 99 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:12,993 Toofer, pass me some paper. 100 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,328 What's wrong? 101 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,830 My autobiography is due tomorrow. 102 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,706 Morning, boss. 103 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:26,874 I'm sorry I'm late. 104 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:30,010 [in a funny voice] Well, don't let it happen again. 105 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,712 Are you ready for an exciting 106 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:32,846 and challenging day? You bet. 107 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,914 (Tracy) Yo! 108 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,883 Me, Toofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book 109 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,251 all day long, 110 00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:38,752 and I think my snake is sick, 111 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,921 so I need you to go out to my car 112 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,956 and rub his belly 'til he poops. 113 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,458 Our first assignment. 114 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,263 This is so annoying. 115 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,699 I just went down to the ATM to get money, 116 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,467 and it gave me a hundred-dollar bill. 117 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,635 So? So? 118 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,903 It's like having Confederate money. 119 00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,405 No one's going to take that. 120 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,606 Whatever. 121 00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,873 It'll give you something interesting 122 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,375 to talk to the Head about. 123 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,876 Oh, yeah. Am I doing that? 124 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,945 Yeah, right now. 125 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,485 Hi, can I help you? 126 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,922 Yes, I'm looking for... the Head? 127 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:15,923 The head of what? 128 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,558 Yeah, how am I going to do this? 129 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,460 Hi. What are you doing up here? 130 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:22,296 Oh, Chris Matthews owes me ten bucks. 131 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,365 Yeah, you'll never get that. 132 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,733 My name is Gray, by the way. 133 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,900 You know, it's kind of funny. 134 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,769 My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name, 135 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:29,970 so we've been calling you the Hair. 136 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:30,971 The Hair? 137 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,607 How would you like it if I called you Glasses? 138 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:34,742 I would be fine with that. 139 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,810 Oh, good, because that's what I've been calling you. 140 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:38,011 Which was no help when I was trying 141 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:38,912 to find your extension. 142 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,714 Why were you trying to find my extension? 143 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:41,649 I have a friend who's opening up 144 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:42,883 a new restaurant in SoHo, and I was hoping 145 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,585 that you'd go with me. What? 146 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,620 Do you want to go out with me tonight? 147 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,056 Why? 148 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,692 Because it would be fun. 149 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,894 And you seem cool. 150 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,929 What? 151 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,631 1979. 152 00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,600 I was looking for some money in my mother's room, 153 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,934 and I found some naked pictures 154 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:01,935 under her mattress. 155 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,605 She was just sitting there in her house coat, 156 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,773 holding one of her boobs like this. 157 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,608 I knew she must have taken 158 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,976 those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny. 159 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,445 Because Sonny used to come over twice a month. 160 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,013 You knew when Sonny was coming over, 161 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,015 'cause she would take us to the store 162 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,851 and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter. 163 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,420 How many pages 164 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:20,988 do we have now? 165 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,923 Five. 166 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,058 Make the letters bigger, Toof. 167 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,627 According to Wikipedia, 168 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,929 you were discovered after doing stand-up 169 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,664 at the Apollo in 1984. 170 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,500 I have no memory of that. 171 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:33,634 Write it up. 172 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,969 Here is your salad. 173 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,738 And your change. 174 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,873 Oh, no. 175 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,575 Dude, is this spinach? 176 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,076 Yes, you, uh-- 177 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,446 You asked for a spinach salad. 178 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,948 No, I like the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, 179 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,082 but I wanted it with romaine. 180 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,852 So you want me to take it back? 181 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,922 I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right? 182 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:55,956 Yes. 183 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,658 Well, then, yeah, genius. 184 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,926 Get me a new salad. 185 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,861 Or get me a time machine 186 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,931 so I can go back in time and smack your mom 187 00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,966 for smoking crack while she's pregnant. 188 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,835 Too much? 189 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,937 No, that's usually how it goes. 190 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,944 Hey, what happened? Did you ask him? 191 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,412 Well, I was going to. 192 00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:19,447 Oh, Liz. 193 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,448 But before I could, 194 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,650 the Hair asked me out. 195 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,618 What? The the Hair? 196 00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:25,653 What did you say? 197 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:26,687 I had to say yes. 198 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,889 He looked at me with those crazy handsome-guy eyes. 199 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,724 It was like the Death Star tractor beam 200 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,792 when the Falcon is-- No, Liz. 201 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,661 Do not talk about stuff like that on your date. 202 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:34,928 Guys like that do not like Star Trek. 203 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:35,896 Wars! 204 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,065 I'm sorry. You're right. 205 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:41,435 I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray. 206 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:42,603 It feels wrong. 207 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:45,606 He's the Hair, and I am a Head-plus, at best. 208 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,741 Or maybe you really are the Hair 209 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,943 and I'm the Head in our relationship. 210 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,479 Oh, God, no. 211 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,746 Something is wrong with this. 212 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,982 I have upset the natural balance of things. 213 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:55,983 Good morning, ladies. 214 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,818 I'm making a coffee run. 215 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,120 Would either of you care for anything? 216 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:04,157 [eerie music plays] Liz and Jenna, nothing. 217 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,463 What's happening? 218 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,499 I don't know. 219 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:20,040 (Jack) Good God, what does that man do in here? 220 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,108 I don't know. 221 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,776 I've never met Brian Williams, 222 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,545 but his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day 223 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,779 between 11 and 11:30. 224 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,481 That way, by the time Mr. Williams 225 00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:28,582 gets back from the liquor store, 226 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,150 it's nice and tidy. 227 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,152 Kenneth, a friend of mine tipped me off 228 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:33,554 about a position 229 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:34,955 in our aviation division. 230 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,624 It's entry level only, of course. 231 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,727 Is this tube sock filled with bird seed? 232 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,661 Yes, sir. 233 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,063 Just put it in the basket with the others. 234 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,498 At any rate, I'd be happy 235 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,766 to put in a good word for you. 236 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,767 What? 237 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,201 And leave show business? 238 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,503 No, thank you. 239 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:50,938 Kenneth, what's your plan? 240 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,073 Well, I like to start cleaning in one corner, 241 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,643 and then work my way across the room in a zig-zag. 242 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,910 No, no, no. Your life plan. 243 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:57,911 You're learning nothing here. 244 00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,747 You're doing nothing here. 245 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,781 You're a punching bag. 246 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,584 I like this job. 247 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,786 Kenneth, this is not a job. 248 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,188 This is an exercise in constant humiliation. 249 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,189 You're fired. 250 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,760 I beg your pardon? 251 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,528 You said I'm your boss for today. 252 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,629 So I fire you. 253 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:31,545 [jazz music] 254 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:38,586 * 255 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,688 How ya doin'? 256 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,190 (Gray) Liz! 257 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,694 Hi. 258 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,863 This is Kiara, Francesca, 259 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,064 that's Talbot and that's Armand. 260 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,065 Hello. 261 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,200 Would you like something to drink? 262 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,670 Yes, Pinot Grigio. I'll be right back. 263 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,171 Is that bad? 264 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,576 So... 265 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,844 you guys been 266 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,646 watching Heroes? 267 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,116 I like the Japanese dude. 268 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,687 The hors d'oeuvres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen 269 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,656 infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil. 270 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,124 Wow. 271 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:22,763 [phone rings] 272 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:23,897 Hey, how is it going? 273 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:24,965 (Liz on the phone) Terrifying. 274 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:25,966 It's too much. 275 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:26,800 I just want to go home 276 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,035 and watch that show about midgets 277 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,269 and eat a block of cheddar cheese. 278 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,871 If it makes you feel any better, 279 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,272 I've discovered I'm not a Head. 280 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:35,108 I'll talk to you later. 281 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,945 Let's put the fun in funky. 282 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:41,615 [playing American Pie] 283 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,620 Hey! 284 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,121 Hey, what are you doing? 285 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:52,092 Sorry, that party was just a little too awesome for me. 286 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,094 Do you want to go someplace else, 287 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,162 just the two of us? 288 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,797 Okay, what's your game, friend? 289 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,699 Game? There's no game. 290 00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,967 What are you talking about? 291 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,001 I don't have any money, 292 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,002 if that's what you're after. 293 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,136 And I'm not one of those girls 294 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,838 that does weird stuff in bed, 295 00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:06,006 because they think they have to. 296 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,108 If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, 297 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,242 I don't do that anymore. 298 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,879 And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, 299 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,147 I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try it. 300 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,183 Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, 301 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,818 so just take it down a notch. 302 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,221 No hundreds. Small bills. 303 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,023 Oh, I knew this was going to happen. 304 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,024 Store policy. 305 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,092 Yeah, that's an illegal policy. 306 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,960 You have to take this. 307 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:27,961 No, I don't. 308 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,096 Yeah, sir. You do. 309 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:29,763 See? It says right here: 310 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:30,998 "Legal tender for all debts 311 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,432 public and private." 312 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,101 Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water? 313 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,903 You can't decide what money you'll accept. 314 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,738 That's illegal. It's an illegal policy. 315 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,239 You're holding up the line. 316 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,710 (both) No, you're holding up the line. 317 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:45,713 [romantic music] 318 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:52,953 * 319 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,355 1998. 320 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,157 Well, I spent most of the summer 321 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,926 in the studio doing my Christmas album, 322 00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,327 which was huge. 323 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,795 I'm almost afraid to ask. 324 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,831 What Christmas album? 325 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,967 * Imagine Christmas wishes 326 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,003 * Shooting out of your eyes 327 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,805 * A candy cake 328 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,106 * Full of snow dreams 329 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:17,945 * A stocking full of smiles 330 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:21,414 * It's a Jordan Christmas * 331 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,482 I remember that. 332 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,317 That video was raunchy. 333 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,953 Mm-hmm. 334 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,857 Hi. 335 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:30,724 Hi. 336 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,993 Did you get home okay last night? Yeah. 337 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,095 Thank you for convincing me to go back to the party. 338 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,096 It was fun. 339 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,265 Although I ate way too much oxygen. 340 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,100 Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen 341 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,168 right there on your... 342 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,970 coat. 343 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,137 Thank you. 344 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,773 This is going to sound pathetic, 345 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,041 but I'm kind of trying to make myself do new things, 346 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:49,910 and last night was 347 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,179 all new for me, so that's good. 348 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,849 Okay, so here's something else I bet you've never done before. 349 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,351 Call in sick to work and go see a movie. 350 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,352 A movie? 351 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,353 A movie. 352 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,354 With you. With me. 353 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,256 Now. Right now. 354 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,792 Come on. 355 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,461 Good. 356 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,931 [coughing] Oh, Pete, it's me. 357 00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:15,936 I'm not coming in. I have a flu thing, and I'm-- 358 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:19,406 [gagging] 359 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,876 I just barfed on 6th Avenue. 360 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,212 Hi, Jack. 361 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,014 [laughing] I was, uh-- 362 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:29,149 This is Gray. 363 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,219 Nice to meet you. 364 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,022 Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. 365 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:38,158 Maybe you should go home. 366 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,364 Come on. 367 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,004 Kenneth, do you have a minute? 368 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,906 I sure don't. 369 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:53,841 (Jack) Kenneth, 370 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,309 you and I actually have a lot in common. 371 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,078 We're both hard workers. 372 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,346 When I was your age, 373 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,348 I was putting myself through college in Boston, 374 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,216 paddling swan boats for the tourists. 375 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,053 Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker? 376 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,555 Kenneth, my point is, I worked hard, 377 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,390 because I wanted to get somewhere. 378 00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,925 I had drive. 379 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,427 And it disappoints me to see you without a dream, 380 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,329 content with this meaningless, 381 00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:20,000 pitiful job. 382 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,835 Do you know why 383 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,937 I put up with this pitiful job, Mr. Donaghy? 384 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:26,940 Why I fetch these folks' lunches 385 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,208 and clean up their barfs? 386 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,010 Because they make television. 387 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,146 And more than jazz, or musical theater, 388 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,948 or morbid obesity, 389 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:38,418 television is the true American art form. 390 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:39,920 Think of all the shared experiences 391 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,489 television has provided for us. 392 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,959 From the moon landing to the Golden Girls finale. 393 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,360 From Walter Cronkite 394 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,029 denouncing Vietnam 395 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,631 to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat 396 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,900 out in a wagon. 397 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,467 From the glory and the pageantry 398 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,870 of the Summer Olympics 399 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,371 to the less fun Winter Olympics. 400 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,073 So please, 401 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,943 don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir. 402 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:05,145 I am living my dream. 403 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,581 Oh, my. 404 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,583 How did he get that up there? 405 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:16,356 I wish I shared your passion for television, Kenneth. 406 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,925 Which show would you rather watch? 407 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,927 An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, 408 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,362 or a remake of Little House on the Prairie? 409 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,363 Neither. 410 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,664 I want to see a show 411 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,266 where women get their hair done, 412 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,534 while listening to salsa music. 413 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,636 I also have an idea for a cop show. 414 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,239 Called K-9, exclamation point. 415 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,974 Oh, and a game show 416 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,575 called Gold Case. 417 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,577 It's a cross between Deal or No Deal 418 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,546 and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host 419 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,580 to be determined. 420 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,151 Go on. 421 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,185 (Kenneth) It's called 422 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,253 Gold Case. 423 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,654 It's Deal or No Deal 424 00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:48,688 meets Millionaire. 425 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,390 There are ten models, 426 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,359 each holding an identical briefcase, 427 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,262 but one of them is filled with gold. 428 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:58,465 Have you pitched this idea to anybody else? 429 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:02,069 Well, I talked to Moonvest over at CBS. 430 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:05,939 Les Moonves, president of CBS, knows about this? 431 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,276 Hey, Moonvest, 432 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,711 I got an idea for a game show last night. 433 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:12,712 Give me your fingernails! 434 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,082 No! 435 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,950 We've got to move fast. 436 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:20,720 Mr. Parcell, we love Gold Case. 437 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,089 How do we make... 438 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,190 your show? 439 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,961 I thought y'all would know where to get cameras and stuff. 440 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,229 (Jack) I think he means, 441 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,198 "How much do you want for it?" 442 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,665 Oh. 443 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,068 As far as compensation goes, 444 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,738 I would like to be officially the head of the pages, 445 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,508 and I need a new clock radio. 446 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,277 You've got it up there, now snap it off. 447 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,648 Also I want five points on the back end, 448 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,451 20% gross on merchandizing, 449 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,620 and a creator credit on this and any international editions. 450 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,622 And a clock radio. 451 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,426 We're a go. 452 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,561 Congratulations. 453 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:02,962 Thank you. 454 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,533 Woke up in the camper at the auto show, 455 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,535 and that's how 2006 ended. 456 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:09,536 2007? 457 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,670 I can't believe this. 458 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,572 We're actually going to pull this off. 459 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:15,442 It was early January 2007 460 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,710 when I got the idea to write my autobiography. 461 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,712 So I took a meeting at Random House, 462 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,449 and I went in and talked to this editor about it, 463 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,218 and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, 464 00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,387 "No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you. 465 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,156 We do not want your book." 466 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,692 Oops, my bad. 467 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,061 That's on me. 468 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,595 Shut it down. 469 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,404 No way. 470 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:47,140 Your elevator opens right into your apartment? 471 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,609 Are you coming in? 472 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:52,245 I don't know. This is new for me. 473 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,548 I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen 474 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,450 in kick-ass elevator lofts. 475 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,423 What else don't you do? 476 00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,524 I don't smoke. 477 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:08,261 I don't use any drugs, except for my allergy medicine. 478 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,564 I don't download music without paying for it. 479 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,134 And I never wear flip-flops. Ever. 480 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,135 It's gross. 481 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,603 Real? It's real. 482 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,640 I do not sit on laps. 483 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:21,508 Really? 484 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,377 No, not a lap-sitter. Never have been. 485 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,179 Nice to see you again. 486 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,614 [camera shutter clicks] 487 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,049 I thought you were trying new things. 488 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,587 Okay. 489 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,356 It's just-- It's a small girl thing, 490 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,790 it's not a grown lady thing. 491 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:38,791 Okay. 492 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,793 All right, there you go. 493 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,629 Okay? 494 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:43,596 Mm-hmm. 495 00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:46,499 See? It's not so bad. 496 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,568 No, it's not bad. 497 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,370 I can't-- 498 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,405 I keep waiting for something to go wrong. 499 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,608 Liz, I am not gay, I am not married, 500 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:58,611 I don't have a human head in my freezer. 501 00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:01,448 Yeah, but you're the Hair. 502 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,150 And so are you. 503 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:06,586 Okay, we're going to do this, then. 504 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:07,687 Mm-hmm. 505 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,760 Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly? 506 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:18,498 Uh, no, that's my grandmother's cousin Dolly. 507 00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,533 (both) Dolly Harlan. 508 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:21,534 No, I said Dolly... 509 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:22,535 (both) ...Harlan. 510 00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:23,903 From Smithtown. 511 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,139 Oh, my God. We're related. 512 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:27,440 Oh, no. Oh, God. 513 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,476 Wow. 514 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:30,810 This is the worst! 515 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,347 Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins. 516 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,549 Okay, on the count of three, say what level of cousins 517 00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,518 we would have to be for this to be okay. 518 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:39,519 One, 519 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,420 two, three. 520 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,155 Fifth. Unacceptable, no matter what. 521 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:43,256 This is never going to work. 522 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:44,391 Of course it's not. It never was. 523 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:48,428 This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not. 524 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,596 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 525 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,764 Look, look. 526 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,333 I meant what I said earlier. 527 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,601 You are a Hair, Liz Lemon. 528 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,469 It's in our blood. 529 00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:57,904 Accept it. 530 00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,672 Embrace it. 531 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,643 I think we're third cousins. 532 00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,778 Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion. 533 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:12,619 Kind of wish you had a door right now. 534 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,324 [exciting music] 535 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:23,963 * 536 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:24,964 All right, Jeff. 537 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,367 One of these briefcases 538 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,536 is filled with a million dollars' worth 539 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,538 of solid gold. 540 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,540 Are you ready? 541 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,242 Let's play Gold Case! 542 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:38,511 [suspenseful music] 543 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:42,782 * 544 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:43,783 That one. 545 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,352 clank! 546 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,420 Congratulations. 547 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:51,424 You struck gold on Gold Case. 548 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,593 Uh-oh. What? 549 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:54,627 That one. 550 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:57,597 That one. 551 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,533 That one. 552 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,369 clank! 553 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,603 [bored] Congratulations. 554 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,772 You struck gold on Gold Case. 555 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:09,376 Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it? 556 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,710 This game doesn't work. 557 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,679 Okay, my bad. Shut it down. 558 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,680 Shut it down! 559 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,947 That's it! 560 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:19,452 At least you got a clock radio out of it, right? 561 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,853 Whose idea was this? 562 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,855 [audience booing] 563 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,357 (John McEnroe) This is pathetic. 564 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:27,394 A joke. This whole show is a joke.